Trying again: The Official Guide to Debt Collectrol-Speak!

[liberalhistorian]

I had posted this a few days ago, but it formatted wrong and I couldn't get it right, so the thread died a quick death. So, I'm trying it again now.

I've posted horror stories on here before about my encounters with medical debt collectrolls (collectors), whom I consider to be the lowest form of scum on earth, as well as regular debt collectrolls, who are only slightly higher on the lowest form of scum on earth scale. The medical ones are still harassing my terminally ill uncle and his wife, my aunt, btw, since his insurance doesn't cover a whole lot. Like the most important thing on people's minds when they or a family member are seriously ill is whether or not insurance covers something and the collectrolls get their fancy commission. These people prey on and make their living off of the misery and misfortune of others, they don't care if you've suddenly lost your job and can't find another, or if you or your wife/husband/child etc., etc., are seriously ill, or that in a civilized society people shouldn't have to worry about money when they're sick or injured, or anything like that. They still make you feel like the scum of the earth while trolling for as much money to squeeze/coerce/harass out of you as they can so the hospital CEO and doctors can still make their BMW payments and pay their country club memberships, and they can get their fancy commissions.

Anyway, the basic idea for this suddenly came to me in a dream and I wrote it down. I just had to share it with you once I did, so enjoy!

The Official Guide to Debt Collectroll-Speak

Now you, too, can "learn the lingo" and speak like a debt collectroll, and thus foil them at their own game, by using this handy translation guide:

1. What they say: "Yes, I need to speak to John/Mary, please." What they really mean: "I know John/Mary is there, so you'd better put them on the phone right now."
Alternate Translation: "I know YOU are John/Mary, so there's no use in pretending you're not there."

2. What they say: "It's very important/urgent/imperative/critical that you return my call." What they really mean: "If you don't return my call, I won't be able to squeeze/harass/coerce/bully money out of you, and I won't get my commission for doing so, which means I won't be able to take my fancy vacation while you're stuck here on your lazy unemployed/sick/broke ass."
Alternate Translation: If you don't return my call, you're a criminal, low-life, inconsiderate, pond scum bastard who doesn't care if I end up in the same position as you, and who doesn't care that my clients won't be able to make their BMW payments, or will have to pull little Johnny and/or Susie out of the fancy private school you wish YOUR kids could attend."

3. What they say: "How do you want to pay/what are you going to do about this debt?" What they really mean: "I know you have the money, you're just deciding not to give it to me and my agency so that we can take our substantial fee before giving the rest to our client."
Alternate Translation: "We have ways of making you pay if you don't voluntarily give up some of that huge pile of money you're sitting on, even though you don't have a job or you're too sick to work."

4. What they say: "I understand your situation, but......." What they really mean: "I don't give a flying fuck about what you're dealing with, just find a way to give us the #$#%$#$#$#$%#$ money it's our God-given right to have, or else!"
Alternate Translation: "It's your own damn fault you lost your job/got sick/your wife/husband/child is seriously ill, it's not my problem and you're a selfish pig if you don't buck up and find a way to give us the damned money!"

5. What they say: "Do you have any other source of income?" What they really mean: "I know you have plenty of money and/or ways of getting it, and we will find out every single detail of your finances, you lying scumbag!"
Alternate Translation: "Sell the house, sell your car, sell all your furniture and personal belongings, sell you/your wife's body, offer your kids as slaves, THEN you'll have the money!"

6. What they say: "I understand you have expenses as well, but.....". What they really mean: "Who gives a shit about any of your expenses, I have my own expenses, like that Hawaian vacation I'll win if I get enough commissions, which is far more important than feeding your family and keeping your house."
Alternate Translation: "You shouldn't have lost your job/gotten sick, etc., so your expenses are just your own damn fault, that's what homeless shelters and soup kitchens are for!"

7. What they say: "Surely, you want to do the right thing and take care of your obligations?" What they really mean: See number three.

8. What they say: "Paying this obligation now will prevent any further collection action on our part." What they really mean: "We will hunt you down and take everything you own and garnish your wages until you drop dead of exhaustion, and we will get our commission despite your selfishness and lack of consideration.
Alternate Translation: You really don't want to test us on this, do you?"

9. What they say: "This will affect your credit rating for the next seven years, do you really want that?" What they really mean: "If it affects your credit rating, you'll have difficulty getting another job, which means you won't be able to pay us, and we will NOT be happy!"
Alternate Translation: "If we don't get our commission, it will affect OUR credit rating, which means we won't be able to continue making a living harassing dumbfucks like you anymore, and we will NOT be happy!"

10. What they say: "We will, of course, report your account as paid in full to the credit bureaus if we receive payment by___________. What they really mean: "LIKE HELL WE WILL!"
Alternate Translation: "If you believe that, I've got a bridge in Siberia you might be interested in buying!"
Second Alternate Translation: "Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah, you dumb idiot, you actually believe that?"

[NightTrain]

1. Sorry to hear about your uncle, LH.

Next time I e-mailed you, I was going to inquire about the man's health.

The above notwithstanding, I hope you and your family managed to have an enjoyable Christmas. Personally, I spent the afternoon on the air at my college radio station spinning 55-year-old R&B records, so you know full well my Christmas was fun! :hi:

[liberalhistorian]

2. Hi, Dean!

I'm still at work, and I just tried to call you, but you didn't answer, boo-hoo!
I had a great Christmas, sounds like you had fun on the radio.:hi: :toast:

[NightTrain]

3. Oh shit, that was you?!

I was on the toilet (which is probably more information than you needed). If you want to try again, though, please do!

[liberalhistorian]

4. Okay, here goes!

eom

[caledesi]

5. True story. Do what my terminally-ill brother did.

I have posted this before, but it is worth repating. When the bill collectors started calling, he would say (not kidding here) "I've got f*cking cancer, do you actually think that your bill is one of my priorities? Click. How I miss him - he was funny as hel.

[liberalhistorian]

7. I remember your post,

it was on my thread about my uncle. That is, indeed, the perfect thing to say and I would have loved to have seen the look on those collectroll's faces when he said that. My aunt has taken to just slamming the phone down on them now, and taking great pleasure in doing so.

[southerngirlwriter]

6. Collectors are lower than *. Yes, really.

* has never advised me to kill myself. A collector did, not long ago. I reported him to the FTC and sent several certified letters telling him what I can pay and *begging* him to tell me the address to send payment to, and who to make it out to.

God, I hope he sues me. We'll have major fun in court with that one. My lawyer friend says if he sues me, we'll countersue for $25 million under the Fair Debt Collection Act. :-D

[liberalhistorian]

8. I remember your post,

too, I still can't believe one actually told you that, to kill yourself so your parents could get the insurance money and pay him. I hope you fry the fucker!

[Zomby Woof]

9. does your candidate support universal single-payer healthcare?

If not, urge your candidate to do so. If we don't put someone in the WH committed to REAL change in the healthcare system (or fighting the push for stricter anti-bankruptcy laws), the collectors will keep doing what they do, and the medical establishment will keep living off the fat of a market-driven system.

[liberalhistorian]

10. That's very true,

and especially about the bankrupcty laws. Nothing infuriates me more than people having to file bankruptcy to avoid having their house and everything else they own taken from them because they or their spouse or child are terminally or seriously ill. The only thing that infuriates me more is the goddamn repukes in Congress falling all over themselves to pass the bankruptcy "reform" bill that will really fuck people in that situation, and these are people who have the best health insurance in the world, they and their families will NEVER have to worry about any of their health needs no matter what, courtesy of the same taxpayers they're going to screw over because they refuse to change the health care system.

[Maine Mary]

11. We've been working hard here in Maine for years

trying to get a Single Payer system on the State Level. The closest we've come so far is a dumb study commission. They'll put out a report and it'll just sit on our desks collecting dust because not enough Legislators seem to have the guts to take it any further. :grr:

It's ridiculous IMHO that healthcare is not a right. Under the current system it's a privilige. :mad:

[liberalhistorian]

13. I'm sure you have worked very hard

to get a Single Payer system, and I can imagine how frustrating it must be because it's just amazing how resistant a lot of legislatures are to such a concept. I think their appointing a "commission" probably made them feel as if they'd actually done something, and they could then say that they'd "tried" to do something. I think the only thing to do is for people to keep on electing and working with legislators like you to try to at least get SOME justice for people in regards to health care.

[Maine Mary]

15. Thanks

I think SOMEDAY the time will come but unfortunately it probably won't be till the only ones left w/healthcare are the rich. HMO's will have to pull more $ out of the wealthy's grubby little fingers in order to make the profits they do now... after all the poor can no longer afford it and the middle class is just barely hanging on to the substandard policies they can afford. The greedy HMO's will lose alot of money when the middle class finally gives up trying to pay their premiums. When the wealthy have to part with more of their money, then and only then will we see some change sadly enough.

[Astarho]

12. I had a friend

who was visiting one time and when the collectrolls would call, he would pick up the phone and yell: BEEP... BEEP... BEEP... into it. They hung up and didn;t try for a while after that.

[liberalhistorian]

14. LOL!

Now that's a creative way to handle it!

[Booberdawg]

16. Very frustrating

I only had to put up with a few calls before I filed bankruptcy after I got laid off and it was the same damned collector that called every day.

For tactical reasons, the bankruptcy was going to wait a couple months and I wasn't sure if I should tell them that, but nevertheless they were calling every other day! Very annoying. I got laid off - I didn't HAVE money to send them!

What part of that don't you understand?

They literally wanted my nex whole unemployment check? I didn't think so. I thought I was entitled to food and utilities and other life essentials out of that. :eyes:

Oh, it has all worked out now. I would have rather paid them to be honest. That's the hell of it. Nobody likes to have layoff or illness happen to them.

The job market does seem to be picking up a bit. I hope to find something soon.

[liberalhistorian]

17. Yes, that's indeed true,

no one likes to not have a job and not have money to pay their bills. And what really infuriates me is that these collectrolls act like you have all the money in the world, you're just not giving it to them. They don't seem to get it through their incredibly thick heads that you just DON'T HAVE THE DAMNED MONEY, and/or you or a family member is too sick for you to really be able to deal with it.

When I suddenly lost my job in the summer of 2000, I had nothing, even my child support had stopped because he'd also lost his job. It took me almost a year to get the job I have now. I wasn't eligible for unemployment, either, because I'd been forced to resign. I had NOTHING for almost a year, which means I had no money to pay any bills at all. It was beyond frustrating, because I'd had good credit and always tried to pay my obligations on time. These fucking collectrolls couldn't seem to get it through their heads that I HAD NO MONEY AT ALL! They asked if I got child support, or had any other source of income. They wanted my next child support checks, if I got any; well, you can imagine what I told them they could do, lol!

And my own doctor's office, where I'd gone for the past EIGHT YEARS, refused to see me unless I paid everything up front first (I had no insurance at the time, either, because I had no job). Even when I had a raging throat infection, complete with fever and inability to talk, the fuckheads refused to budge and refused to understand that I had no goddamned money! When they said to go to the emergency room, it was like, yeah, sure, then have the HOSPITAL'S bloodsucking, ruthless collectrolls come after me (our local hospital has a particularly aggressive, nasty collection agency).