My Grandma is dying and my dad is a flaming asshole.

[bertha katzenengel]

Yesterday, 3:30 AM PT, the staff at Grandma's secure facility called 911, then dad. She looked comatose during bedcheck so they took her to the hospital. He actually went! :party: He spent a couple of hours there, then called his oldest daughter, my sister, and he presumably called his brother.

My other sister called me at about 6:30 AM PT (they're in CA, I'm in MD). Both my sisters had to go to work, but they were taking short days & going straight to the hospital. One of our cousins was driving down from No. CA.

Once at the hospital, where my dad has not been since early morning, my sisters get the scoop, then call me. Sis 2 says she called dad to give him the latest and asked, "when are you coming?" He says he's probably not. My sisters are at the hospital until 9:00 PM, having spent six hours there.

Grandma woke up for a while, and was sitting up in bed and eating. She was reading outloud words on the TV, and speaking in full sentences, some gibberish but some made perfect sense. Sis 2 walked in and Grandma said, "and here's Mildred!" Mildred was one of Grandma's sisters.

Today. My sisters and our cousin arrive at the hospital at 10:00 AM, and are shocked to see Grandma not only unconscious again but wearing an oxygen mask. The nurse tells them that during the night she started having breathing problems. A respiratory therapist has been in several times.

Because my sisters were angry to be learning this upon arriving, instead of being called when it happened, the hospital staff tells them, "we notified the family." Meaning they called her son. His is the name on the chart. He decided to roll over and go back to sleep, it seems. Why call anyone else?

Grandma's still unconscious. We don't know what to expect. My sisters & cousin are spending the day in shifts at the hospital. Our uncle and his wife are there. Our father is not.

I have no idea why he is doing this. I don't care if she beat bloody shit out of him every other day. I don't care if his dad beat him and she did nothing. She gave him life, and now she is dying. I believe he'd give a stranger more consideration than he is giving his mother.

I am angry. I am frustrated that I can't be there. And I think my father should go to the hell he believes in. And if we have a service for her, I'm going to stand up and talk about her. Among my comments will be the fact that she was the best parent we had.

[Nikia]

1. I am sorry about your grandmother

As for your father, I think that you had established that in other posts about him. Some people do deal with things differently than others though.
It is frustrating when we are far away. When my grandfather (dad'd dad) 2 years ago and my grandmother (mom's mom) died this past year, I couldn't be there either. I think that it makes us less tolerant of those who can but choose not to be.

[MissHoneychurch]

2. I am sorry to hear Bertha

my she have a safe passage over to the next world.

What I learned over the years is that some men are afraid of illness and death. So he might be just afraid of facing his dying mother. Maybe he can't handle it.

[bertha katzenengel]

8. Miss Honey, this is completely off-topic, but it refers to your cartoon:

This is my Toby:


:rofl: He loves to bring us prezzies... :puke:

Thank you for your comments about my Grandma. She deserves safe passage. Since before she lost her mind (I don't know how else to say it), she's been saying she just wants to go home to Jesus.

As to my dad: maybe you're right. Sigh.

[MissHoneychurch]

Before my dad's father died

he was in coma for about a week. My dad could not handle the decision to turn off the machines (there was no way my grandfather would have regained conscience). He left the decision to his sister and my mom (my grandmother was in no condition to do anything but whine).
This is why I say your dad might not be able to handle the situation.


Regarding to pic ... great!! My late cat used to bring us gifts also when she was younger. I stepped more than once into a dead half eaten mouse in the mornings to get my cat something to eat. I learned pretty fast to put on shoes before going to the kitchen. And she brought in life food as well. Why hunt outside in the rain when it is so much nicer inside.

[barb162]

24. "My dad could not handle the decision..."

This is what I was thinking. My uncle who loved his sister dearly, my mom, couldn't handle it when she was dying. He used avoidance as a crutch for the pain he was feeling

[Haole Girl]

3. Hugs for you...

...:hug: :hug: :hug:

I don't know your situation with your Dad to know if it's just his way of dealing with it (to not deal with it) or what, but I know it must be extremely hard on you...being so far away. :hug:

[bertha katzenengel]

6. I think this is the last straw for me.

I have forgiven him for all the ways he hurt me. And I have tried to remain at least friendly, and have made more overtures than he has. But this is the end. My sisters detest him and can't understand why I bother. Finally, finally, I've come to wonder, too. He is an emotional cripple, unworthy of the try I've made to keep us from complete estrangement.

I wonder, should I start sending back his xmas and birthday cards? I've given up sending him father's day cards - what a joke. I told him happy birthday via email this year. He doesn't deserve "happy birthdays" - he forgot my niece's birthday one year! Not that it was emotionally traumatic for her. How can you be emotionally traumatized by a man who hasn't shown the slightest affection? Oh, yeah . . . there was that year they gave my sisters' kids framed pictures of Jesus and religious books. That's the way he shows love.

:rant: jeez... sorry, KC2. I am angry and bitter and depending upon what happens the rest of today, I may decide to call him and tell him off. I don't know.

GOD, I need to find a therapist. I'm going to alienate Lounge Lizards across the globe.

edited to remove something that was unclear but I don't want to reword it.

[Haole Girl]

9. Well, since you asked....

...telling someone off, in such a highly emotional state, is obviously not the thing to do (I wish I could practice what I preach). Also, the reason you wouldn't want to cut your father off permanently, from everything in your life, is..well..because he is your father. You can keep him at a safe distance and still exchange pleasantries. If he continues to hurt you, though, even just exchanging polite greetings, that's a whole other ballgame. Good luck....like I always say, if I could afford a counselor I would certainly see one...2 times a week, every week, for the rest of my life! I spent a large part of my inheritance, after my mother died, on counseling. It got to the point where the therapist told me I didn't need her any more. I wanted to just chit-chat about things, but she literally threw me out the door (well, not really)! :rofl:


On edit: Just wanted to say...don't worry, you're not alienating me! We know you are in pain. :hug:

[Darth_Kitten]

19. Maybe just move on a little bit.....

I don't know your family history but you seem to have the right attitude. You are doing "the right thing", but don't knock yourself out. Some people may never be able to give you want you need. :hug:

Just be there for the family that gives back. :)

[YellowRubberDuckie]

4. I am so sorry Bertha.

:hug:

[IdaBriggs]

5. I am sorry for your upcoming loss, but honestly, I don't think you have

the right to judge the relationship between them, especially if she was abusive to him as you state. Whether or not she became a "nice" person later in life after having treated him so shamefully really does not excuse the crimes she committed against him. If, as you said, she beat him etc., then you will simply have to accept that this is part of the "reap what you sow" stuff coming back to her; its not pleasant to watch sometimes, but karmic repayment of cruelty rarely is. Furthermore, if he was a poor parent to you, the odds are better than even that HE was better than HIS parents. :(

My father and I did not speak for six months prior to his death due to a variety of reasons, including (but not limited to) his refusing to impose drug testing as a condition for driving a car he was giving my (then) eighteen year old orphan heroin addict niece, and stating at a counselor office that "he would rather she die than him have to confront her drug use" when the counselor called him on it. (Did I mention she needed a car because she'd totaled hers while driving strung out and ROLLED IT on I-75? And that she'd been strung out IN FRONT OF HIM, MY MOTHER AND ME ten days before?) The window of opportunity to help her turn her life around was missed, and the last we heard, she'd spent the summer before last supporting her habit as a prostitute. :cry:

My father was a narcissistic lying son of a bitch, and was a HORRIBLE parent to me -- but those who didn't know what was going would have been suitably horrified at my "callous" behavior. When he called me at midnight and asked me to come to the hospital, he "apologized" and I accepted / was there for him during the rest of his dying. I don't miss him, and my life has been vastly improved by his death. That's a harsh thing to have to live with. Not everyone in our family is as honest about him, and some (especially the grandkids) have different life experiences than I do. Its okay for them to HAVE those different relationships, but that doesn't change the pain of my reality.

Again, I am sorry you are losing someone you love, but I think its wrong for you not to be more understanding that maybe he has reason not to "love her" like you do. Sometimes, justice sucks. :(

[bertha katzenengel]

7. Thanks for your sympathy. As to the rest, no hard feelings - but a

big fat no comment.

[IdaBriggs]

11. I understand. I hope you were just "giving examples" of possible "bad

things" and that those things didn't really happen. Also, if you've been "given the gift" of an Unexplainable Asshole for a father, you have my EXTRA sympathy! Finally figuring out mine was a narcissist helped; it made things less PERSONAL for me (and more about HIS problems instead).

Is there anyway (on a practical note) that a more responsible person can be put on the "call us in case" list? It can probably be done in a sensitive manner by talking to the nursing staff: "Our family has communication issues, and rather than have them cause more stress during this difficult time, is there anyway we can get XXX added to the "please call" list?" (A lot of our problems were solved by having the hospital staff run some basic interference; apparently "family challenges" are EXTREMELY common.) :eyes:

[bertha katzenengel]

15. They were just hypotheticals. I know nothing about his childhood because

he is an emotional cripple and has never said a word about it, even though I've asked. I might've had a clue: when I used to work for him, he wouldn't let me play the oldies station in the shop. They played a lot of 50s, which is when he grew up. I wondered if he didn't want to hear it because of bad memories.

Anyway.

I didn't know family problems like this were common. How lame. My sisters have put their name on Grandma's chart, but there's no guarantee they'll be called.

Thanks, Ida

[fudge stripe cookays]

20. Sorry you're going through this Bert.

I'm right there with Ida. Just try to see if you can add another name to the list the nursing staff has.

My mother and I have a very adversarial relationship. She will die old and alone, because neither my brother or I will shed a tear for her. She is a hateful bitch. And like Ida says, she will reap what she sows.

I'm sorry your dad is a jerk. Families can be....awful sometimes.

[bertha katzenengel]

29. I'm sorry about your mom, Cookays. My dad has said, since we put

Grandma in the home and since she's progressively lost her mind, "when I get like that, just throw me in a ditch." Clearly he can't cope. He still hasn't been to the hospital.

This is horrible. I need to be home, and I just can't go.

[ikojo]

25. There are HIPAA rules as to who can be placed on the

list of people to contact. If Berth's dad is his mom's only "next of kin" then he is by law the one they will contact, at least that's what I understand.

HIPAA sucks in families where communication leaves much to be desired. My mom has made sure all of her daughters are listed as decison makers and contact people. Unfortunately I am listed as the one who would make the heart rendering decision to terminate life support, and that's because my sisters all supported the Republicans in their efforts to keep Terri Schiavo alive a couple of years ago.

Good luck to you Bertha, as your grandma makes the journey from this world to what lies beyond.

O8)

:hug:

[bertha katzenengel]

30. thank you, Ikojo

I think it's both my dad and my uncle. My eldest sister is practically in meltdown because my dad still hasn't been to the hospital to sign the papers re: no feeding tube. :banghead:

[skygazer]

10. I'm so sorry

Even without your father's actions, this would be difficult. It's awful to be far away when a loved one is passing. I've had it happen three times this year - my sister, my aunt and just the other day, a close friend.

I wish you and your Grandma both peace. :hug:

[miss_american_pie]

12. I'm sorry

:hug:

[begin_within]

13. If you need a paw to cry on, here it is...

[bertha katzenengel]

32. bob, i just love that kitty - thank you so much

:hug: One of my cats, Toby, spent the night with me, curled up by my side. I think our pets know when we're hurting.

Toby

[begin_within]

40. He looks like a love cat - you're lucky to have him!

[BlueIris]

14. I am RIGHT there with you, honey.

No, seriously. Both my grandmothers are also dying, and my father continuing to be the gigantic, callous asshole he always has been. Which is just making matters insanely harder for the rest of us. Child abusers are such slimy fucking parasites.

[Arugula Latte]

16. So sorry, Bertha.

:hug:

[xchrom]

17. sorry -- and may your granny get to jesus

in peace.

i'm very sorry this drama is happening for you all at this time.

it does take away from her passage.

been there myself.

[RetroLounge]

18. I am sorry...

:hug:

RL

[Gormy Cuss]

21. These things amplify the worst traits in family, Bertha.

They also bring out the best. Been there with a designated family member who was exactly the wrong person to handle it. I know it sucks but take comfort in that fact that she does have other family around her. Mmaybe they can identify a nurse who will be sympathetic and suggest ways to circumvent your father as only point of contact. That helped us deal with the issue in our family.

I understand your frustration -- I was across the country too.

[Midlodemocrat]

22. We should all have a grandchild as devoted as you.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but perhaps take a minute amount of comfort in the happiness you gave her as well as all the goodness she gave you.

God Bless and safe passage to your grandmother, Bertha. My little one is only 10 and all her grandparents are gone already, so I think you are SOOOO lucky to have had such a wonderful presence in your life as long as you did.

It doesn't lessen the pain; in fact, it probably exacerbates it, but she was so lucky to have you and you probably feel the same way.

:hug:

[Digit]

23. Would the Patient Advocate be able to help?

They might be able to make sure other names are added to the list.

Sorry you are going through this and my thoughts are with you.

[jobycom]

26. Condolences.

Just keep in mind, you only get the one father, and while he may not be the worthiest of them, from your description, you can't do anything about that. Sounds from your description like he's angry at his mother, and therefore behaving badly. And now you are angry at him. I think it's always hardest to forgive a parent.

Condolences and best of wishes, BK.

[Kajsa]

27. Oh Bertha, I'm sorry you're going through this.

I hope your Grandma doesn't suffer.

My family has this turmoil, also.
I have an older brother who was completely estranged from our father.
It was due to emotional abandonment and verbal abuse directed at him.
For some reason, I escaped it.
My brother wanted nothing to do with our Dad. When Dad was dying
( pancreatic cancer) my brother reluctantly went to see him once, only
to appease our Mom. Big bro would not speak at the burial at sea for
Dad nor did he want anything of his, after he passed away.

To this day my brother is a teeming cauldron of resentment and misdirected
hate. It's frigging sad, sad!!

God bless you, Bertha. You are a wonderful, caring lady.
You and your Grandma are in my thoughts and prayers at this difficult time.

:hug:

[Catshrink]

28. My heart goes out to you, Sweet Bertha.

I know it's hard to be so far away from both your grandmother in her last hours and your sisters.

As for your dad, my guess he's in denial and just can't deal with it. I'd ignore him and focus on your grandmother. You can't fix the past so deal with the present. I also wouldn't cut him out -- continue to send holiday cards and receive his. Whether you throw his away or not, he won't know but I wouldn't send them back. I vote for neutral, pleasant, and limited contact.

In the "for what it's worth department":

About twenty years ago I went to a two-day seminar, paid a lot of money for tapes and books, all trying to figure out how to figure out my parents and work through some not-so-pleasant stuff from my childhood. During one of the sessions, the presenter said something that "resolved" a lot and helped me let the crap go. This may not be your situation, but it sure helped me. He said, "Don't think of your parents as all-powerful god-like figures who could do anything. Think of them as limited people who did the best they could." That new perspective changed everything for me.

:hug:

[bertha katzenengel]

36. I've often put them in that context: they did the best they could with

what they had. That is how I've been able to forgive my mother, my stepfather. I have forgiven my dad, but you know, I believe forgiveness is a process, and I don't believe one "I forgive you" does it. I think it has to be done repeatedly in some cases. Clearly, I have more forgiveness to give my father. I just can't do it right now.

Thank you for your comments. :hug:

[Catshrink]

39. Oh yeah, once is NOT enough...

You are so right that it is a process. When the fundie kool-aid drinkers say "forgive and forget" I want to scream. That attitude minimizes the injured person's feelings and displays what I think is a huge denial of what forgiveness means. It's so patronizing.

You'll do what's right for you and in your own time. Don't let anyone rush you or guilt trip you.

We love you here, Bertha.

:hug:

[Heidi]

31. bertha, please try not to judge your father too harshly.

Everyone deals with loss and grief in different ways. My grandfather is in the last stages of Alzheimer's, yet still at home with my grandmother, and my father's heart is broken every time he visits his dad. My mom (the daughter-in-law) handles my grandparents' finances, medications, doctor visits, haircut and beauty shop appointments, etc. But this isn't because my father is heartless or doesn't love his parents. It's because he's grieving.

I :loveya:, my friend.

[bertha katzenengel]

33. Heidi

:hug: You know, I don't know what to say to anyone's replies anymore. I'm so spent. I am spent, angry, hurting, scared, and I need my sisters. I'm so glad they have each other.

[Haole Girl]

34. Hope you found a decent airfare

If you need anymore help, please just send me a pm..ok. This is something I do know about! :hug:

[bertha katzenengel]

37. United $518 - $200 off. But I can't go.

It's going to be hard enough on us financially when I do go when she dies. But there is no telling (and no easy way to say this) how long her death will be. I have interviews coming up. We can't pay our mortgage on time; our property tax is late. Whine, whine, whine. It's not the airfare, actually, although I'd need a good one. We'd make the sacrifice to buy the ticket. It's the uncertainty, and my being absent when headhunters are lining up interviews for me.

I whine and cry on DU but I don't remember ever doing it like this. This is a good community. I just wish many of you were near enough so that we could go to coffee.

[Haole Girl]

38. I wish that too!

If you happen to stop by DFW, please let me know and maybe I can meet you at your connection for coffee. :hi:

[Heidi]

35. Just know this.

You are profoundly loved. :hug: