So, I dropped the Non-girlfriend off at the airport last night

[HEyHEY]

And strangely, felt nothing about her leaving. In fact on the way home I was getting kind of excited and felt like I really want to see someone else. Ya see, the last two days of her being here were very odd. The first few, we acted like we were still together, then suddenly she did a 180 on it. That was all because of her personal issues popping up and had nothing to do with me. But, she told me more about what she's going through and told me stuff she's never told anyone. Some of it very disturbing shit and she broke down telling me. Then I just held her until we fell asleep.
Then, the next night she was so distant, and admitted she could feel herself pulling away from me since she told me all that stuff the night before.
On the way to the airport she said something like, "This is the most tumultuous relationship I've ever been in." I was like, "WHo's fault is that?!" But didn't say that.
See, we don't fight, get along great. The only thing that happens is her issues driving us apart. And with all the B.S. of her saying "I want to be with you - just not now" then pushing me away and all this, of course I'm gonna need to talk about it and of course that will get emotional. If it wasn't for her personal issues we'd have no issues.
But her imposing a break, then pulling away even more after finally opening up fully... I mean, to me I understand it's all natural. But as my friend said, I'm "just fed up."
It's hard to try to help someone and have them keep dangling your heartstrings over the fire. She isn't doing it to be mean, she's just going through serious shit. And, as my friend also said, this is the first non-shallow relationship she's had, so I'm forcing her to confront all of this stuff because she DOES want to be with me.
I promised myself I'd stick this out with her and that means through thick and thin and this is more thin. But I still feel like going out and fucking half the town right now.
I'm going to give it some time though, I was happy she left and I think it's cause my emotions need a break.
Any thoughts?

[Robb]

1. Start a club, maybe

Oh, wait. :D

[ScreamingMeemie]

2. Here are my thoughts... You are ready to move on. To someone

that you'll be able to fight with, work through issues with. Someone who will respect you enough, love you enough even, to let you help her work out her issues. MrG dated a girl right before me, let's call her Julie...because that's her name IRL (;)) who sounds very much like your SO. She was a typical "I love you, I hate you, come here...go away" sort. MrG put up with it for a very long time. In fact, he was still "hooked" on her when we started dating. It was only in realizing how a relationship could go that he was able to see the troubles with her. He spent $400 on a ticket to AZ to see her one last time. She treated him much the way you describe what you just went through. He came home, we took it to the next level and have been together ever since. Of course, once he was gone she needed him back. It sounds as if your almost ex is struggling with maturity issues. I support you in moving on.

All the best,
Laura :hug:

[HEyHEY]

3. Yeah, thanks

Thing is, while I'm ready to do that. The thought of her being up there alone, dealing with this shit breaks my heart. And I know that she's pushing away because this is very real stuff and I force her to deal with it just by being around. And her telling me is progress. So, while one part of me is fed up, the other part of me is thinking I can't leave her because this IS progress. I don't wanna just "ditch" her. But I don't wanna live in a half empty glass world.

[mikeytherat]

6. Let her go, let her go, let her go

I have similar stories and you're being treated to the "Emotional Tampon"* phase of the relationship - this is where you get used for 5-6 days each month when no one else will take her bullshit.

I have a psycho-ex who lied about having cancer, cheated on me, stole (grand theft auto), and it always came back to, "I need you."

Trust me - you DON'T need her.

"If you love someone set them free. If they come back to you, do a better job moving away and changing your contact information next time."

mikey_the_rat

*any person, male or female, can use treat you like an "Emotional Tampon" - it is NOT gender-specific, so be careful out there!

[HEyHEY]

7. Well, this girl isn't a liar or thief

She's a beautiful person who's in danger of closing herself off to the world because of serious abuse at some point in her life.
She's opened up to me... I don't wanna just leave now.

[Phillycat]

10. Admirable, but

You can't help her. You are not her therapist or her father. This is not your job. You can't help her. Trust me, you can't. Be her friend, be her support person, whatever. But she is not emotionally ready to be in a relationship and you can't make her get there, no matter how hard you try or what you do. I promise.

[kwassa]

14. Good advice, I agree. This is not your job.

She has her own work to do, and you can't do it for her. Remember, it is her responsibility, don't make it yours. She may never do it at all. Many people don't.

Much of successful relationships is timing. Both people have to be in the right place emotionally at the right time for it to happen. She is not ready for what you are ready for. You may want it enough to stick around, but I strongly suggest you look elsewhere.

[lildreamer316]

4. Unintentionally or not, she's using you.

Unless you truly feel she is the love of your life, I'd advise to let it go. Someone who really cares about you will make an effort to include you no matter what.
Possible example is my loving man....we are actually not married..he's 29, I'm 33. He's gone through some serious shit too...nasty stuff that should have made him an asshole. He's not. He admitted all to me once he felt comfortable. And all it did was make us closer. He would never push me away; he needs to feel that love and so do I.
You deserve a person who really wants you in their life. Just because they have some issued does not mean they are not going to be a worthy and loving partner. Hold out for the real thing, man...you are worth it.

[HEyHEY]

5. Part of it

Is situational... I mean part of the reason she was acting the way she was. All of her problems were brought to the surface because of a certain family member being at her parents for Thanksgiving for the week (It was TG in Canada last week). So, knowing she wasn't in anything close to a stable state of mind for a week makes me give her some leeway.

[Avalux]

8. You say something interesting -

"It's hard to try to help someone and have them keep dangling your heartstrings over the fire".

First of all, you can't help her, so quit trying. She has to work through her issues on her own. Second, it isn't fair for you to be the patient one, hanging on wondering when and if she'll be emotionally ready to have a strong, committed relationship with you. It may never happen.

You seem to be a very sincere, caring man and you need to be with someone who can reciprocate. This woman obviously can't right now.

I wish you all the best in your decision, speaking as one who's been there. :hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

9. So don't close any doors, my dear HEyHEY........

Leave them open.......

Good luck to you!

I think you're cutting her some slack, and right now she needs that.

So let it be, and see where things go.

I wish you all the best, sweetie........You both deserve nothing less.

[SlavesandBulldozers]

11. f half the town. n/t

[CanuckAmok]

12. Fuck half the town!

What are you, nuts?

Then tell us all the disturbing shit.

[Evoman]

13. Dude, your sooooo being used.

Damn...

Seriously, while shes away, I have almost no doubt that shes going to sleep with other people, and then keep on jerking you around because...sob...you just care soooo much. Wake the hell up man. Okay..I'm going to apologize here. Not because I'm not right (I am) but because I need to be honest with you, and honesty can be a son of a bitch.

You have only one life to live, and your not getting any younger. You have a choice right now, which will be all the easier because she's away: You can choose a life of misery, heartache and sadness from being jerked around by a woman whos feelings for you are not strong, but who is using you because she can or you can choose to find a women who loves you as much as you love her, and who can fulfill your emotional needs. THOSE ARE YOUR ONLY CHOICES. Choose wisely.

Evoman

P.S. Take the advice from a guy whos been around. Your taking a break right now...use that break to meet new people. Do not take calls from her, or read her emails, because they will only suck you back in.

P.S.S I am astounded by the choices people make. Everybody knows what they have to do, but nobody ever does it. Why would you want to live in a state of constant heartache? Why pull of the bandaid slowly, when you know that a quick pull is so much better for you?

[HEyHEY]

17. Well, she won't be sleeping with other people

You gotta know that I know her to a certain point. And much of her problem is sex related so she's abstaining for now... even with me. :-(
But I do agree on some of the other stuff. I'm just at a moral crossroads of testing my own conviction.

[Parche]

15. non

Can I move to Canada??

[johnnie]

16. Oh, I didn't know this was going on

Did I miss something? Last I remember she was away and you were bummed. Sorry about this dude. I really don't know what to tell you. I pretty much gave up on trying to keep shit like that together a long time ago.

As soon as some bullshit is pulled on me these days, that's it. I would rather be by myself than going thru some weird drama, because most of the time the other person won't try to help themselves, and they just use you to soak up the negative energy, then they feel better and they leave ya in the dust.

I hope it all turns out Ok for ya. You're a good man, don't let anyone fuck that up.

[Nikia]

18. Unfortunately this sort of thing can happen with anyone

You could know someone for a few years, get married and a few years later something happens that brings out all their past trauma or they suddenly might experience an event that was traumatic for them and react badly. How would you react then? How would you want your SO to react to you?
On the otherhand, this might be a life long problem and it would be better for you to not make a committment to a possible lifetime of pain.
If I remember right, you are not that old. You could wait a while, not years though, for her to get the help that she needs and work through her issues enough to be able to have a relationship.
The thing about sex abuse (excuse my assumption if this is not what her problem is about) is that it affects everyone a little bit differently. Some people do suffer a lifetime of self esteem problems and have problems ever having a relationship. Others might be fine for a while but can be triggered by things ranging from sexual harassment to a personal faliure. Others successfully work through their issues. Others don't experience disabling issues. The horrible thing is that the child (or teen) often feels guilty about the incident for a long time (maybe even their whole life) while the adult predator doesn't give a damn. It just isn't right.
I encourage you, no matter what you decide, to continue to be her friend. Yes, if you break up with her, she will probably feel abandoned and that you don't want to be with her anymore because of her secret. If you sever ties with her, at least assure her that it wasn't for that reason.

[rug]

19. Go find a Non-hooker and have Non-sex.

[HEyHEY]

24. WHy would I pay a woman to not have sex with me?

Which reminds me, my non-girlfriend hates that term.
"Grr, stop calling me that," she said.
"Hey, if you were my girlfriend instead of my non-girlfriend, I might actually care what you think about it!" Was my reply.
.....Then I got hit with a purse.

[idgiehkt]

28. wow.

well, I'm pretty concerned she's telling you to stop calling her your girlfriend. I think the answers are in the gray area here. I think you should be commended for at least trying to be understanding about all this...and I don't think her going through this makes her a bad person.
One of my perps died last weekend and I've been acting like a complete lunatic all week, you should see some of the pm's I've sent people. People don't have any control over this stuff, when it comes up, it just comes up. I bet part of the reason it did come up was that you made her feel safe enough to be able to deal with it.

This kind of thing is pretty phantasmagoric though. It's a shock to the senses, and your everyday, walking around type of joe may not want to deal with it. I think at this point, though, you might be being mistreated. I'm not there, so I don't know, but if she is not your girlfriend, and you are being made to feel bad for having human emotions and desires (and if you are dealing with a survivor, you will be made to feel this way inadvertently until she works through the trauma), then I kind of don't know what's in it for you. If she hurts you, you might want to retaliate by 'fucking half the town' or whatever, and then you are gonna feel bad about that, and that's more guilt you don't need. If you two had been together a long time before this came up it might have a better chance, but seeing as how the relationship is so new it may be better to make a clean break and tell her that when she moves through these traumatic feelings to ring you up and if you are still single then you could take it from there.

[HEyHEY]

31. The label of girlfriend

IS just an issue that's come up because we're supposed to be on a break. So, using that name for it makes it seem like we aren't on a break. And what she needs is to feel that she's not hurting me right now because it's more stress for her. Hence, if I call her my girlfriend she feels she "owes" me something she can't deliver right now... dig?

[datasuspect]

35. it is either the case or it is not

she's your girlfriend or she isn't.

how long have you known this person?

if this has been going on for several years, then maybe that track record would give you some basis for putting up with her shit.

if you have only known this person a short time, and she is putting up the roadblocks about "status" and how to identify the relationship, well, life is too short to hang around for high school bullshit.

sounds like you want a committed relationship.

sounds like you want a "girlfriend."

if this person cannot meet your needs, there is nothing wrong with you seeking what you need elsewhere.

if she is suffering, you've already offered to pay for her therapy. sounds like you are more of a humanitarian than i would ever be.

save yourself the trouble. abuse survivors (i am assuming this is what she is) have to take care of themselves first. and it is hard. but it sounds like this woman can only inflict herself on you and cause you trouble.

do you see the impending insanity?

she wasn't dying or in the hospital, but you probably spent at least $1,000 for a same day/short notice air ticket (i think this is what you said). and for what? for HER DRAMA. so you could see each other because of her EMOTIONAL STATE. a .50 phone call suffices in situations like this. you are starting to buy into her insane little world.

don't get too far into it, you will fuck your life up.

you can't save anyone. the only one you have to answer to is yourself. no one will make you complete.

[hunter]

36. You sound sorta like a "wounded bird" to me, datasuspect.

:P

[datasuspect]

37. not really

i'm just exceedingly realistic about this kind of stuff.

life is way too short to put up with anyone's bullshit.

and I MEAN ANY BULLSHIT whatsoever. if you have problems, get them fixed. it's like what i've been told in response to various problems i have had (still have): "tough shit." "grow up." "take responsibility for yourself."

and now i thank those people who were honest enough to be blunt with me.




took me awhile to realize what healthy boundaries were. took me even longer to realize that i was never under any compulsion to accept the unacceptable or tolerate the intolerable.

[hunter]

38. Life is dealing with other people's bullshit.

Once you've got your "healthy boundaries" established, it all becomes fertilizer for your garden.

[HEyHEY]

39. It's a bit different when you care about the person

I mean, why would I be in a relationship if the person was so disposable to me that I could just cast her off so easily?

[hsher]

20. Um, "men saying they need some space"? Much?

Sorry. Just feeling sour at men right now. But it's funny how you guys can do this stuff to us, but if we do it to you, ohhhh, I'm over this girl, I gotta bail.

[HEyHEY]

22. I take offense to that

I have been on an emotional barbecue the last three weeks. I spent crazy money on a last minute flight - because she called me up in emotional meltdown mode. I've heard her tell me things that make me cry because I can't bear to think of the pain and confusion that's festering in her. I've had sleepless nights, gone home from work early cause I couldn't work with her and her problems on my mind. I've told myself I'm sticking it out no matter what.
Then after all of that, I've had her tell me she isn't sure if we're going to get back together when she's through all this because she doesn't know what kind of person she may be then. I love the girl, and she is in a messed up head space right now and is being overly protective of me and herself by saying that, but still, it's not exactly comforting.
I'm sorry, I think I'm entitled to a feeling of wanting out. Note I said "feeling" not that I am getting out.

[brook]

21. My 2cents...

same thing I've been telling my son...."No More Wounded Birds!"

I've watched him do what you're doing for a long time. Why can't you good guys value yourselves enough to know that there's a world of equally good, reasonably sane and self-sufficient women out there? And from what they tell me -they're looking for you!

Of course, it'd be a lot easier for them to find you if you weren't dragging somebody else's emotional laundry bag along behind you.

Geez but I wish I had the magic solution 'cause I really want you (and my son) to hook up with a lady who thinks you're funny, sweet, intelligent and the man they want to take on life's storms with as an equal and loving partner.

So - here's a :hug: and good wishes from an old lady!

[HEyHEY]

23. Well

"Geez but I wish I had the magic solution 'cause I really want you (and my son) to hook up with a lady who thinks you're funny, sweet, intelligent and the man they want to take on life's storms with as an equal and loving partner."

See, that's what it was like at the begining... it was great. Then when she realized she could see herself married to me... all of these issues came up.
She really is a great girl. People here can vouche for me, I'm not dumb enough to just be an emotional wreck over any woman.

[brook]

40. You have never

seemed "dumb" to me either. I don't often post in your threads, but I read most of them.

Listening to your thoughts, it seems you do feel there's something worth working out with this young lady - and you seem willing to invest the time, patience and understanding in helping her to resolve the issues that have upset her so much. I respect and admire that and I really do wish you a happy outcome.

I'm very big on the idea of Gestalt theraphy - and couples theraphy. The key (to me) is finding the right therapist and resigning oneself to the hard work that does pay huge dividens. Meanwhile, you'll always have DU. :)

[hunter]

27. My mom met exactly ONE of my girlfriends, the one I married.

None of them were ever good enough -- I'd seen quite enough how she treated my siblings' boyfriends and girlfriends to put my own girlfriends through that.

Once, before we were married, my wife and I were visiting my wife's parents' house where we got into a fight. My parents lived nearby, so I went to their house to cool off. I told my mom something like, "Oh, we were fighting so I came over here to walk the dogs," and my mom took this as an opportunity to to tell me everything she thought was wrong with my wife in excruciating detail, including some "wounded bird" stuff. Before she'd said enough to make me disown her entirely, I said, "Enough! (Okay maybe I threw up my arms and said "AAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHH!" and went back and apologized to my wife for being such a jerk.

The one girlfriend I had that I think my mom would have approved wholeheartedly of... well, that relationship ended very badly, and I ended up as the "wounded bird."

[brook]

33. I wish I had time

to respond more thoughtfully but I have to go to work. One thing: I'm not your mother.

[hunter]

34. I do understand.

Marrying someone like Andrea Yates is a bad idea.

On the other hand, this is no reason to avoid all "wounded birds."

But one does have to be careful. There is something inside most of us that wants to rescue people -- and sometimes it is for selfish reasons.

I have some personal stories, some quite grim, but others joyous.

You can shield your heart too much as easily as you can shield your heart too little.

[brook]

41. Thank you

for a lovely response. And I do agree with you. Love is worth working for/at and noboby gets out without a scratch or two. There is something that makes us want to rescue or free another person because we believe in their potential to share our own dreams.

Thanks again for your insight.

[u4ic]

25. As someone who's been where she is...

first of all - she's not 'using' you. I don't doubt that she cares for you - but when your trust has been broken that profoundly - it's hard to know who to trust, and to love, when someone who you should have been able to trust (and depending on who in her family abused her - someone she may have been dependent on for love and protection)does such a thing. She's trying, but the giving and then need to retreat is very common. It's scary ground - and to open yourself up fully to another human being, she could risk abuse again (not that you would do that, but that's the thinking, in a general sense).

However - this is a long term thing, healing. Many months to years.

I'm glad she's finding the courage within herself to deal with it. She's doing what's best for her. You will have to do the same, what's best for you.

It's difficult to know what to do, and to see someone suffer so. Good luck, and take care.:hug:

[Bucky]

26. Sometimes it's a pain, but ending things with class is always preferable

You'll hurt about this later, I bet. Right now, enjoy the relief.

[mzteris]

29. she's backing off after telling you

because she's afraid you're going to leave her over it.

If you "dump her now" - her fears will be confirmed and she may *never* trust anyone again.

It's so hard to open up about the things that have damaged you. And when you feel like maybe you've found someone you can share that with - and then to have them leave you over it - it's like going through it all over again. And again. And again.

If you love her at all - at least wait long enough and try to make it seem like the confession has NOTHING to do with it. Though she'll probably never believe that anyway.

[wildhorses]

30. sounds like she needs therapy and--

last I knew you are not a therapist:shrug:

and I think your role as boyfriend is ka-put--take a break. you deserve it

she needs help, have you suggested it?

[HEyHEY]

32. Many times

I know I'm not a therapist. But I want to at least be there to support her.
I've told her I'll even help her pay for counselling. But, right now, she's too scared to go.