The game with my ex has switched to hardball.

[Robb]

All in the same day:

- She calls to tell me she's doing great, and has decided not to pay me back any of the money she promised earlier she would; and
- Documents are put in my hands (it's the kind of people in my life, I swear, it's less weird in context) giving excellent proof the majority of the breakup was over an affair with her new boss.

Faithful readers will recall I packed her things last week, quite carefully as if they were my own, and put them in the shed. Clearly I should've heeded early advice and thrown them in the street.

Those things are not in play here; there are legal ramifications should I do anything untoward with the boxes. But she will discover, when she gets back to town Tuesday, exactly what kind of mud I'm willing to get into to hold her to her promise to pay me back.

I once read a description of Pisceans, in that they are quite resilient and will put up with a lot, many times over. Then a line is suddenly crossed, and God help you if you're in the way.

She has no idea. Robb is now angry. :grr:

[billyskank]

1. We have a saying in England

Hell hath no fury like a dingbat scorned. :pals:

[Robb]

5. I'll bet

...it sounds cooler in Latin, on a crest. ;)

[billyskank]

8. tjwmason will translate it for us

:D

[rug]

2. DU needs a Contract Hit forum.

[ComerPerro]

31. That would be the gardening group.

Its a cover.

[Robb]

32. (spits coffee)

:rofl: :thumbsup:

[sbj405]

3. .

:hug:

Sorry you're going through this, Robb. We're here for you to scream, throw things, ask for hugs, etc.

Get a promisary note. Also, remember it's only money. You still have your dignity, self-respect, and honor. She does not.

[Robb]

4. Already drawn up

Actually had it drawn up last week. I think my subconscious had already put the pieces together. And yes, it's only money. But there is only one driver's seat here, and I'm going to make it quite clear I'm the one in it.

[sbj405]

6. Good luck!

I've been wondering where's her daughter and the baby in all this? Weren't they living with you?

[Robb]

9. Thankfully they're in good shape

Baby-daddy's been working his tail off, and squeezed himself into a mortgage on a small house in a nearby town. I saw the daughter the other day, she stopped by and said hi. I'm really glad she's doing well, and give myself a lot of credit for helping her through some tough times -- when mom was elsewhere. :eyes:

[necso]

7. As a person who's had

more-than-his-share of difficulties with my various ex-SO's ("SOs" looks too much like "SOS"), let me advise you to try to remain (reasonably) calm, detached, objective and objective-oriented (and yeah, I understand the difficulties in doing so, especially in the case of manipulation, deception, abuse and exploitation by someone trusted) -- and to be sure that you understand your exact legal position.

In my case, the difficulties that I ended-up-in were due in no-small-part to not dealing with problems in a timely manner. (Normal practice -- like letting things slide -- becomes expected practice, and a user will exploit every advantage, especially advantages that should not have been permitted to exist in the first place.)

[unsavedtrash]

42. delete

whoops

[Crazy Dave]

10. I think this woman's gonna have you're head messed up....

....for a long time. Hate to say but that's how it appears. Pretend you were reading this if it was posted by somebody else.

[Robb]

11. I hear you

:)
I agree, it doesn't sound much like me. Oddly enough, I'm in a better space, head-wise, than I was yesterday.

If someone else posted this, I'd certainly tell them to calm down, keep true to yourself, and take the never-regrettable high road. Which advice I expect to heed. I'd also tell them not to be a doormat, though.

[necso]

12. "...take the never-regrettable high road.

...I'd also tell them not to be a doormat, though."

Ah, there's the rub.

[Crazy Dave]

13. Good to hear

That "head-wise" everything's good. Unless it's a lot of money, something that will cause you a financial hardship, I'd let the money go and forget about it. If it were me, well heck, it has been me before and forgetting about money owed was always the first thing on my list as it only becomes an issue after a break-up and wasn't such a big deal during the relationship, right? After a break-up it's just a retaliation tool that most people use when it isn't a financial problem for them but they know it will be to the other.
The "I won't feel better until they feel worse" attitude is definitely just pure negative energy and remember, you might be being played the same way too. If instead it's an issue that can't get to you or be used against you, it's one less thing that person has to toy with you.

Good luck and do the right thing :hi: :thumbsup:

[radwriter0555]

16. It's just money.

Seems like a small price to pay to be rid of her.

[NC_Nurse]

14. Don't play the game.

That's the only way to win. Remain calm. Get a lawyer to deal with her if you can't be civil and rational.
Getting into the mud will only make things worse. The best way is OUT - quickly and with as little engagement as possible.
Get a therapist or go to a support group and focus on learning why YOU got into this and how YOU can avoid it in the future.
She willl fuck herself, you don't need to be involved.

[Midlodemocrat]

17. Take the high road, Robb. Don't let this woman set your

agenda. Do what feels right to YOU, not for revenge and not to make her hurt, but what is right for YOU.

You will never regret it. That I can promise you.

:hug: for a really sweet dingbat.

[HEyHEY]

29. Fuck the high road robb - go for blood!

[Midlodemocrat]

35. I knew without looking that it was you.

Silly boy.

[CanuckAmok]

40. Fuck that.

If you believe that she and her lawyer and her boyfriend are currently adopting a position of fairness and civility toward you, than by all means take the high-road. That's what I did and it worked out really well. It only cost me about a half-million dollars, and I'll be out of the debt by 2011 if present trends continue.

Go for her throat; do NOT show any weakness. Divorce is war. Don't let anyone tell you different.

[Samurai_Writer]

41. What CanuckAmok said

I went through two very nasty divorces. The first time, I tried to 'take the high road' and be nice, and it nearly cost me custody of my then 2-year-old son. The second time, I did everything I could legally to protect myself and my assets. Including bringing up in court, his multiple affairs. I got divorced for cause of adultery in Texas -- something that is unheard of. Good luck, and remember, SHE is the one who violated the marriage agreement. SHE is the one who should pay for it.

[Callalily]

15. I agree with NC_Nurse

Being vindictive may make you feel good, but it'll be only temporary. Get a lawyer and let that person deal with her.

Always take the high road, in the end you'll feel better, and when all is over you will be able to live with yourself and your decisions.

[LaraMN]

18. Good lord.

I don't even know you, and I'm pissed at that witch FOR you.
I agree with the other posters; you have to watch your back, no matter how vindictive she might make you. What a piece. I'm sorry you have to put up with that kind of ugliness.

[ThomCat]

19. The safest and most effective thing you can do

is make sure Everyone knows about the affair, how she's screwing with you, and what kind of person she is. If you know the same people, make sure her reputation is out there.

Let her own actions come around and bite her on the ass!

:hug: Hang in there. You deserve better than her.

[Shakespeare]

20. If said boss is married.....

....you might be doing his wife a favor by letting her know what's gone on. Others on here will vehemently disagree, but I would want to know if I were being cheated on, no matter how painful it was to find out.

[Robb]

25. LOL! I should be so lucky

No, he's recently divorced. Talk about a dream date. :eyes:

[lildreamer316]

28. Helllloooo!!

Robb! "Recently"???I just WONDER why? Maybe because he was having...and AFFAIR??
Not trying to start a bunch of crap, but I'd bet that it's possible to get her and him for alienation of affection if the affair broke up TWO marriages!!
You might want to confer with the ex-boss-wife and her lawyer....if you feel the need. I know that's a bit much,but you might want to keep it in mind, if not for anything but threatening material.
The first successful alienation of affection case, won for a million dollars, was against a lady in one of my mother's college classes several years ago.

[Robb]

30. Timeline's not right

Documents from his county's courthouse show his petition for dissolution January 2005, decree May, way too early.

...Did I mention how much crossing me is a terrible idea? :D

[lildreamer316]

36. I believe you.

I am wishing you strength through this. I'm sure you will make the right moves..I just want to make sure you are really seeing it all, if you know what I mean.

[swimboy]

21. I'm so sorry, Robb, that things aren't going well.

At the very least, you are on your way out of the situation, even if that proves to be a long and steep road. Do everything you can to provide for yourself and defend yourself and your home. Don't do something out of passion/revenge that would lose you the high ground you currently occupy or God forbid give her leverage. But you sure don't need to do her any favors. Figure out what is the absolute least you are ethically on the hook for and don't do any more than that.

I'm rooting for you and I hope this goes better than you think. I am glad you will get free of her. You are so far above her. Peace and strength, my friend.

[EFerrari]

22. Of course you're angy. Not only is she not respecting

what YOU are going through, she's asking you to take care of HER needs even now.

That's about as dirty a game of pool as there is.

You and I are in really similar situations. When I get crazy angry, I just tell myself out loud, "Let it GO!"

If I reasonably need whatever the new thing he tries to manipulate me with, I ask someone else to deal with it. If I need to lawyer up to stay out of a quagmire, I will.

I will not, though, willingly give up one more precious second of my day. Credit for time served.

:)

:hug:

[Name removed]

23. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Haole Girl]

24. I hope she simply pays you what she owes, and goes on her..

...merry way soon...whaay out of your life. Then you can begin to heal. Hang in there! :hug:

[Bunny]

26. Robb - I can echo the sentiments of nearly everyone on this thread.

And may I stress this about the money - unless her failure to repay it will lead to you losing your house, or something else catastrophic, let it go. Just let it go. She's making you dance to her tune by holding that over your head. Dude, let it go. Let her have the money. Karma will get her in the end, it always does.

I would stop taking her phone calls, send her a registered letter with the date for removal of her belongings from your shed, and move on. If you want to throw her affair in her face, do it. That's a pretty sleazy thing to do and she deserves to be called on it. But other than that, move on. If you disengage from her manipulation, you will not regret it.

[wildhorses]

27. pisces!!...whew!! about the coldest fish in the zodiac sea!!

but looks like you are all fire right now.:grr:

I hate you are going through this. Reading your posts lately--makes me thankful how far I am in recovery of my divorce. Although you were not married--living together/breaking up can have the same issues.:crazy:


Learn from this Robb. You will make a wiser choice next time out. You are a smart person with a good heart. Let that be your guide through all this.

oh yeah--if you can drive the boat, I am ready to slalom:P

[jobycom]

33. Condolences, man. Remember, though, the anger is just

going to delay your getting over this. If it's a lot of money and you have some legal way to claim it, stick with it but make it strictly business (seeing your "you mean nothing to me anymore" face will hurt her worse than a fight ever would, if yuo want revenge). If it's not, or you don't really have any way to prove she owes it, let it go. Life's short, there is so much out there to make you smile, that it's just a waste to spend a moment more than your body makes you worrying about someone beneath you.

And make sure you aren't subconsciously hoping to drag this out just to prolong your contact with her, maybe in an unconscious hope for vindication or even reconciliation. Classic mistake.

[likesmountains 52]

34. I had a similar situation with my ex husband a few years ago..

I decided early in the situation to take the high road..now 3 years later I am still glad I did...at times I wanted to go claw his eyes out, poke holes in his tires, tell everyone we knew awful things about him etc., but I never gave in to those desires. Oh, I did accidentally break a few of his things while I was packing them up, but other that that I was able to be the adult in the divorce and aftermath..sometimes it just feels better to do the right thing. I agree with the other posts too...get a lawyer or an accountant's advice now.

[CanuckAmok]

37. Fight nasty!

Seriously. She's fighting dirty, and so should you. Keep it legal, mind you, but kick her ass.

[Missy Vixen]

38. Robb, IMHO, YMMV

You might think this is a stupid thing to say, but please have an AIDS test. If she was cheating, you have no idea whom he was involved with, whether or not they were being safe, etcetera.

In the meantime, good for you for having the promissory note drawn up. If you were truly a vindictive person, you would have had her job, and nobody here would blame you at all.

We're all thinking of you,
Julie

[kwassa]

39. Don't do revenge

as some others have said ...

Disentangle yourself, forget about the money if you can, it will be the best financial write-off you may ever make. Do the minimum you can reasonably do to help her get out of your life, without being a shit. Move on with the rest of your life. Take the high road.

Feel as angry as you can, take it out in a safe way that has nothing to do with her, because your anger will not get from her what you want. Be a minimalist with her.

and best of luck, you have many here rooting for you.

[prole_for_peace]

43. if she doesn't pay you back you could do what my tax prof suggested

if someone borrows money and won't pay it back, issue them a 1099-Misc at the end of the year. since copies are sent to the irs they would be required to claim the borrowed money as income on their return and pay taxes on it. sometimes the threat is enough to make them agree to terms.

[YDogg]

44. That sounds like a good idea ...

... never thought about that, although I haven't been in that position. But I like it.

[Cheney Killed Bambi]

45. Careful big fella

These things have a way of spiraling out of control. Also, if there is litigation, anything you put in writing, including posts here on DU, could be discoverable.

[koopie57]

46. When I read about someone being angry

it scares me and I grow nervous for them. Acting in anger can cause many bad things to happen adding to the anger and frustration.

If you want to go after her and fight, just do it smart. But on the other hand remember the Amish a week ago or so. Their forgiveness was overwhelming and that was after loosing a child. This is just some money (and if you choose so, pride. That is under your control).

My husband has been reading a book called "Don't sweat the small stuff, and it is all small stuff". It might help.

I try to make sure I have as much control as I can possibly have. It is your choice to fight or to forgive. It is your choice to pursue the matter with smarts.

So, maybe just remember you do have control. The choices may not be the best, but you do have control over how you react, if you let the anger work on you, if you decide that putting a period and then end of this and walk away with your head high. I don't know. Good luck.

[Robb]

47. You've got it there

I can get angry, people do. But in the end it's my actions (and words, really) that mean everything.

Thanks. Don't worry, I may not forgive, but I'm also not going to "fight." Fighting is a struggle, and I don't intend to struggle any more. I'm going to take the path of least resistance -- but only among paths that work for me. :hi:

[Dangerously Amused]

48. Dude, I totally nailed her on the affair!

"Who brought the idea of her cheating on you into the mix? She did. Twice. With a wild accusation and a ridiculous story.

Guilty conscience much?"


(Yesss! I rock. I do.)


To which you replied, in part: "Oddly enough, if she did cheat, it would make things rather easier on me."


( http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=5729968#5731710 )


So. It hurts like a sonofabitch, BUT... the focused pain will indeed make things easier on you by helping you to get through this faster. That's good.



And I'm sending you a PM with regard to the money and property issues.

Hang in there.