How do you keep the holiday spirit in the face of tragedy?

[anti_shrub]

My girlfriend's father died of a sudden stroke yesterday, but the holidays have to go on for the sake of her brother's young sons.

How can anyone even attempt to keep up the facade of having a joyous holiday season when something like this happens?

What makes matters worse is my own father died 3 years ago January 13th, so now the holidays are bookended by horrible loss.

I know some DU'ers have experienced loss close to the holidays, and I'm hoping they can lend some advice on what to do next.

[Lars39]

1. My condolances, anti_shrub.

I'd like to know the answer, too. I've just been muddling about kind of aimlessly this year, and it's been 2 yrs. :shrug:

[mikehiggins]

2. You go on.

I lost my mother on December 20th, thirty two years ago.

My dad in January in 1988, my brother just after Thanksgiving that same year.

Christmas was not a favored time of the year but we had to keep on keeping on because of my two children. That's how you live life; you go on until you die.

You don't have to keep up any facade, you just have to keep on going.

Death is sadness, but it is also an inexorable part of life. There was a lot more to the lives of these two men than their demise. When you think of them, think of the good times.

You'll still cry but you won't be quite so sad.

[anti_shrub]

4. That's pretty much what we're doing

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 6 years, and her dad sort of became a replacement for mine when he died 3 years ago, so it's like reliving my dad all over again. I can't even imagine what she's going through, my dad battled cancer for a long time so we had time to prepare for the end to happen. Her dad just went to work as usual one day and never came back home. It's just so unbelievable.

[ScreamingMeemie]

3. I am so sorry to hear this. My hugs and thoughts go out to you.

My grandfather died the day after Christmas two years ago...after being hospitalized on Christmas Eve. The first year we brought my grandma here from Wisconsin to celebrate so she would not be alone. This year, we have encouraged her to put up a tree...and cry. It's not going to be easy. My heart breaks for your girlfriend. I guess all I can say is..listen.

Hugs,Laura

[Valerie5555]

5. My sympathies too

for I lost a grandma to a stroke too.


From the last I heard, a guy who became a hero of sorts of mine for he calmly heard the rallying cry of his expat nationals of "Not without our dogs or kitties" as far as the evacuations were concerned and for calmly "facing down" the Iranian terrorists when they stormed his embassy the first time around, for he was the last American Ambassador to the Shah's court, had a stroke too and I think as to where he is now, it's probably the stroke ward of the Bethesda Naval Hospital for I heard it incapacitated him on his right side.

Maybe I no doubt ought to consider myself blessed his successor as Ambassador or acting Ambassador to Iran, (the very Washington D.C. guy I knew indirectly or the guy who had the bad luck of becoming a Foreign Ministry hostage,when the Iranian students stormed the American embassy the second time around in November 1979), back in 1979, is still fairly healthy and has all his faculties for someone his age.

On edit: When my new kitty had "the runs," was momentarily :scared: that it may have been a sign of some :scared:y kitty illness like FIP or feline infectious peritonitis which is totally untreatable, but became relieved when other possibilities such as food or antibiotic allergies, entered my mind for if my new nearly 6 month old kitty, did in fact have those, the vet could at least control the allergies.

[Booberdawg]

6. I don't know that you have to put on a facade that it is joyous

because under the current circumstances, it's not. All you have to do is get by for now - that's all we are required to do right after we lose a loved one. That's the best we "can" do. Just support each other and listen, and allow yourselves and each other the time to grieve.

[Philostopher]

7. Give yourself permission -- and time out -- to feel sad.

It's the only way you can get by. I let myself have my moments. Yesterday was the seventh anniversary of my father's death -- I've had to come to terms with having some bad days around Christmas every year. It's very difficult the first year, anyway -- there's no way around it. We'd gone to visit my mother, and she made sure to mention it -- I told her I think about it every year. How can you not think about it?

Allowing time to yourself to be depressed or sad about it is the most important thing, from my perspective. Set aside time to grieve, because you have to -- especially the first holiday after losing someone. It's better to take the time to yourself, because that way it doesn't impose your sadness on others who might not understand, or who might not want the reminder at the moment.

It does get easier. It shouldn't be easy the first year, though -- trying to pretend like nothing is wrong isn't fair to the kids in the family, either. If they're too young to have it explained, the family's being subdued probably won't register; if they're old enough, there's nothing wrong with telling them why the family is sad, I wouldn't think. I don't know, as far as that goes -- the youngest 'kid' in the family when Dad died was my brother's estranged wife's son, and he was ten or eleven, and old enough to understand why things were different.

[JVS]

8. That's terrible, sorry to hear about your loss/

My grandfather died 19 years ago today. This kind of thing can place a lot of stress on people. My advice is to try to help them out as much as possible, take stress off of those most affected. We had to fly from Pittsburgh to St. Paul. When we got back our neighbor from up the street had set up a tree for us. We never forgot his kindness.

[Mikimouse]

9. Maybe I can offer something, in my own warped way

Not knowing what your beliefs consist of, and what age the children are, I would only offer you this, for what it is worth. The origins of the Christmas tree can be found in the German pagan tradition of the evergreen as the symbol of life in the midst of death (the most important rituals were performed in January, winter). Perhaps trying to envision the 'trappings' as a symbol of life, as did the ancient Germans, would help to abate some of the pain associated with the season. It may help her nephews' deal with it a bit more readily as well. I always like to think that when a person dies, somewhere in the world a child is born, who embodies all the same hopes, love, and fears that we all have, and I try to celebrate that image, because that child has an entire lifetime ahead to do the things that I have only begunto try and do in middle age. I wish you the very best Christmas possible. No smilies, just real hugs going your way, from all of us.

[flamingyouth]

10. I wish I had a good answer for you

My heart goes out to you and your girlfriend on your loss. People in my family have a bad habit of passing very close the holidays, so I can relate.

There's no good answer; it's just really hard. Try to remember the good times and cry when you feel like it. It's not very good advice, I'm afraid, but it's all I've got.

:grouphug:

[Philosophy]

11. My grandmother died two days ago

She was 90 and had Alzheimers for many years, so it wasn't totally unexpected. I'm still walking around in a bit of a daze though, reliving all my fond memories of her. Couldn't even make the funeral because I just started a new job and money is too tight to pay for the exhorbitant price of a last-minute airline ticket, even with the bereavement discount. So I'm bummed about that too.

The whole family is getting together later this week for the holidays at my parents' house. I'm looking forward to that even more now.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

12. In Japanese culture

people who have suffered a recent bereavement are exempt from the obligation to send New Year's cards and people are not supposed to send them holiday greetings.

In other words, maybe you shouldn't put on a brave front. The young boys may be grieving for their grandfather(?) and may think that they have to put on a brave front. Have you asked them how they feel about celebrating Christmas this year?

By hiding their grief from children, adults can make them think that they didn't love the deceased person or that grieving is something shameful.

[LastKnight]

13. take the whole extended family out for icecream...

and a movie. or somethin pleasant like that. just kinda keep yourself busy for a few days. thats pretty much all id do. im sorry for your loss, and as hard as it may seem now, i hope you havea merry christmas (or whatever you celebrate) and a happy new year.

-LK

[roguevalley]

14. When my uncle died at Christmas, it was awful. But then if you think about

all the happy stuff and talk about that, it helps a
bit. You can feel bad. Do feel bad. But go on, honey.
Do things that you like, things that they liked, things
that made you happy and know time is what helps the
most.

Hugs to you and yours,

RV

[Piperay]

15. So sorry

I know what you are all going through. Six years ago my mother died Dec.27, last year my boyfriend's father died on Dec. 21, so we are bookended too. I think the best thing is to be around other people and not close yourself off, try to continue your holiday traditions but in a quieter way.

[Nihil]

16. Easter was like that for my family

My father died on Easter Saturday and my brother at about 01:00 on
the following Tuesday. My brother had been ill for a while (MS)
but when we phoned the nursing home to tell him that Dad had died,
the nurse told us that he had gone into a coma and they had been
trying to contact us in turn - just having difficulty getting through
as the phone was busy so much of the time. We had to drive 250 miles
on the Monday, saw him that evening then were woken up in the night
with the news that he had died too.

At the time, things were very mechanical (working out of routine and
logic whilst in a slightly numbed state) but looking back, it was
actually quite fortunate that we'd gone up to my parents for the
Easter break otherwise Mum would have been on her own when it happened
and when the news of my brother had arrived. As it was, she was in
a form of mild shock for quite a while but gradually came out of it.

There is no need to put on "a brave face" as everyone will understand
the sadness (and anyone who doesn't is either heartless or worthless).
Continue with some form of celebration - especially if all of the
preparations have been made - but allow it to be muted rather than
over-zealous. It would be just as irreverent to shut everything down
and wear black as to try to pretend that everything is normal.
Be honest with each other. Remember the good times. Allow yourselves
to feel sadness but also look (and encourage) the joy in the children
as they will be honest too if they are given the chance.

Most importantly, be there to support the family and share the load.

Best of luck,

Nihil

(Edit: Forgot to say that this was back in 1990. The first few years
were quite hard on my Mum as she would be enjoying herself and you'd
see her suddenly check as she was about to say something about Dad or
my brother. After a while, she was fine about it - could be sad in
her memories but also happy too. They had been married for 46 years
when Dad died (my brother was 43) so it does take a while to soften
the blow - just be there to help whenever needed.)

[wantnobush]

17. I am

sorry to hear this happened.