Would you hire me for your sketch comedy show?

[Pale Blue Dot]

I saw the following job posting tonight:

Non-Union. Director: Matthew Palmer. Hello my name is Matthew and I am looking for a cast of actors for a sketch comedy show I am developing. I am going to produce one episode at first 'a pilot'. This show will be for the audience age range of 18-25. I am going to pitch this pilot to broadcast companies. Looking for around eight actors to be the reoccuring actors that will appear in the many differnt sketches. Also I will need actors of all ages for supporting roles.

I am looking for males & females 18-45

If you are interested please e-mail me for more information.

E-mail: [e-mail] Hurry, the deadline is September 16th!

Apply to: Matthew Palmer

***********

Even though he can't spell check, I sent him this in response:

No, I don't have a head shot; but, can you picture Ron Howard, if he still had his hair, and had become a retail manager? True, the world would be without "Apollo 13", but it would also be without Jim Carrey as "The Grinch". Can you live with that compromise?

OK, my acting experience consists of rotten community theater productions of "You Can't Take it With You", "House of Blue Leaves" and "No Sex Please, We're British". And true, even that was over 10 year ago. But consider that in that last production, I was cast as an Italian stud. Please re-read the description of my physical appearance in paragraph #1. I was cast as an Italian stud.

Even thought I'm only doing this to avert a mid-life crisis that would surely lead to the end of my impending marriage, relationships with strippers named "Harmony", and car payments I could never, ever afford, please consider me for a role on your sketch comedy team. I am 38 years old, 5'7", 155lbs, with a physique my fiancee calls "Grecian" and my ex-wife calls "beer-induced". You make the call. I have attached an un-retouched, but carefully staged, photo.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Love forever, if you're into that sort of thing,

******* *******

**

This is the photo I attached:



So, will I get an audition? Or what?

[crim son]

1. If you'd work for peanuts...

No, seriously, I would certainly call you up and have you come in to talk to me. You should get your audition. But don't let your comedian angst show. You don't have it? I don't believe it!

[Pale Blue Dot]

3. Peanuts would be fine.

However, my youngest future step-son is allegic to all other kinds of nuts. Almonds would be a non-starter for me, I'm afraid.

[crim son]

8. Howabout popcorn?

I can do the puffed corn thing, extra butter.

[Richard Steele]

2. Ooh, yer making fun of HIM for spelling? Pot, meet Kettle!

It's spelled "HARMONEE". Geez!

[Pale Blue Dot]

4. Crap! That would have been funnier!

You bastard! Well, what the hell, I'm the "talent". Writers such as yourself exist merely to serve me.

[Richard Steele]

5. It's even worse than you think.

No one else can see me; I'm actually just a golfball-sized
tumor pressing against your brainstem.

I was still operable back when you "read my first posts",
just didn't know how to break it to you.

My bad.

[Pale Blue Dot]

6. While you're there, could you tell the "Shakira" neurons to stop firing?

I really can't stand her, and I don't want to die with her vibrato going through my head.

[Richard Steele]

7. Tell the Shakira neurons to start firing? You got it, pal!

Anything for you!

BumpBAHbump....EEEEEeeeeeEEEEeeeeeeebahBUMP

[crim son]

9. But her hips don't lie.

WTF's your problem? :P

[Bat Boy]

10. Good luck.

Seriously, I wish you the best of luck.

But just what do we know about "Director: Matthew Palmer?"

Just keep in mind, during comedy auditions, traditionally the pants stay on. They'll come off later, when you sign with an agent.