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i realize it's not a cure all but still living here all these years and it has changed so much it feels like I am in a strange place with spots of old time reminders hanging around . I thought moving would bring some sort of new outlook , a way to see over the top of this rut .
I thought about moving back to Illinois where there are seasons but this is just another distant hope , things have changed alot there too . One sister lives in rockford and rockford is not really my idea of a great city and there does not seem to be work there My younger sister lives in stanford florida and she and her family have gotten pretty religious which is a bit scary for me to deal with i simply would not fit in there and I don't care to live in florida .
There are two main concerns , one is finding a way to help my wife get outside and be able to feel like she is still a person , she has lost most all hope of ever getting out , alot is due to agoraphopia and panic attacks , all the years when we had money to seek professional help did not seem to help much or only for very short periods of time . So i need to basically find a way to build up her moral and be close enough of work a job she can be involved in . This is a real tough nut with no easy solution . Second , this weighs on me knowing her situation , I have come to a point where even my working has become difficult even to find a job right now that provides some sort of security just so we can maintain this sorry situation we now have in life . I have lost my confidence and it's difficult to get interested in any job , I never felt this way before and it scares the hell out of me . I have always worked steady but these last two years have been a slide down the hill the way jobs have gone away . i have to begin a new type of work , what I did do is basically gone due to saturation of the few car dealers who can offer anything . Last job was very long hours so my wife was alone 13 hours a day so things were worse for both of us .
Somehow we have to make it by supporting eachother , not easy when one or the other is depressed .
I know this sounds hopeless , at least it seems hopeless . Basically it is all up to me to keep going and I have run out of ideas and the will to fight , this worries me to no end . It's a matter of finding purpose without exposing the depression to the rest of the world . Like put on a happy face sort of pressure . I just don't know .
She is great with people ,it's just getting her out there . We had friends but we let years go by after they moved and we did nothing . Now we are here .
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