Update: My thread from last night

[Writer]

I awoke this morning and walked out to the study. On the keyboard of the desktop lay a long apologetic note from Mr. Writer. I cried a bit when I read it. He used the guest bedroom, showered in the guest bath, then left for work. I am glad that we spent that time apart. I don't know when I will feel like addressing him face to face, but perhaps in the proceding hours today, I'll garner the courage to sit and chat. Apologies are nice, but I feel a need for something more substantive.

My mind feels numb. My stomach accordingly (I didn't eat last night.) But I do want to offer my thanks for so many kind individuals who wrote me last night offering support. I hope that I can return your kindnesses very soon.

Writer.

[progmom]

1. I just found your thread from last night

:hug: I'm sorry you're going through this.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. My dear Writer.....

I am glad you got some sleep....

I hope that your day will proceed gently.....

And that you and your husband can/will talk meaningfully to each other tonight......

You are in my thoughts today.....

[Hell Hath No Fury]

3. Having helped too many girlfriends....

through what you just went through, I want to give you this advice:

When things are not so emotional, you need to have a serious conversation with him about how he's allowed to treat you, especially in the midst of an arguement. You need to tell him straight out what is is allowed and not allowed, regarding use of words, voice level, physical actions, whatever you feel is needed for you to feel safe and unthreatened. These become the new rules that he must obey. And you need to let him know straight out that, if he breaks any of those rules, you will disengage from the conversation/fight and walk out until he has his shit together and can respond to you in a respectful way. And you also need to let him know straight out that, if he chooses to break the rules more than once, it will have serious implications for your relationship. End of story. And YOU need to be willing to respond to any misstep on his part.

There is no other way to do this -- you must be crystal clear with him and he must obey the rules 100%. If he can't/doesn't, then that tells you something very important about your husband, and you may need to reevalute just what the marriage is doing to/for you. And your husband may need to seek treatment with a profession for his inability to communicate with you during an argument in a respectful way.

At 46 years old, I can say that I have never had a partner call me names or get in anyway physical with me during an argument -- it hasn't happened because I have always been clear with my partners from the start about the type of treament I expect from them. The one man who broke the rules of basic respect more than once -- he yelled at me during arguments -- was an ex very quickly.