Two Sunday evening chuckles for ya:

[Brigid]

#1 is from Ron White.

A magician had a gig on a cruise ship. The ship's captain had a parrot that would sit in the audience every night and give away the magician's secrets *bwak* "It's in his shoe!" *bwak* "It's up his sleeve!" This went on night after night, until finally the magician just snapped, pulled out a shotgun, and shot at the parrot. He hit a propane tank and blew the ship into a billion pieces. Only the magician and the parrot survived. The parrot said, "All right, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"

#2 is from Bill Engvell.

A famous British Navy sea captain was assigned a new first mate. Once they were underway for their first deployment, the sea captain said, "If they call down from the crow's nest that they've seen an enemy ship, the first thing I want you to do is to get me my red coat."

The first mate said, "Yes, sir. Is it your lucky coat?"

The captain said, "Not really. I wear it in battle so that the crew can't see me bleeding if I am wounded and will continue to fight on."

The first mate said, "That is really awesome."

The next day, the lookout called down from the crow's nest, "I see twenty enemy ships!"

The captain said to the first mate, "Go get me my brown pants."

:rofl: