My high school buddy is dying. Any hospice folks here?

[TNDemo]

She has lung cancer and the end is not too far off. Her husband called me today and while I don't think he understands all the implications and thinks she might recover I can tell she is in the process of dying. She is under hospice care and on big doses of morphine and high oxygen use and sleeps most of the time and eats or drinks very little. They live 200 miles away and I went to visit her about a month ago, just after she got out of the hospital. I left crying after seeing her because I knew how serious it was. I asked him if she could talk on the phone and he said rarely does she have the energy for that but said she would read a card or letter if I sent that. So what I am wondering about is what to put in the letter.

There have been many times I have been at funerals and thought of things I wished I could tell the person who passed so now is my chance to say those things while they are alive. My friend has had a rather tragic life in some ways. Her childhood was bad with a drunken father (who sobered up after all the kids grew up and is fine now) and she basically got married young to get out of that house. They have been married for 33 years and her husband is very devoted to her. He is disabled with daily seizures. Her three kids were fine until they became adults. Her daughter was 25, married with two kids, very cute and personable girl, then she discovered meth. She is now 30 and has deserted her kids and husband, had another kid with some addict and her husband is raising that kid too. She went to see her mother in the hospital a month ago, was sweet and loving, then they discovered she had taken her mother's debit card and keys and had stolen her car and wiped up her money. She is in jail (again). When I was there she was saying how she is afraid her daughter is going to become clean and have big regrets and she won't be there to offer her forgiveness. I told her to write her a letter about that and when the time is right her family can give her the letter. She got her younger brother in trouble with drugs and that has been a big problem too. Their oldest son is apparently fine - thank goodness.

Anyway, she is facing death with a disabled husband that will have no one to really help care for him and kids that are in some real trouble. Is there anything I can say that can possibly comfort her about all this?

[MissMillie]

1. Most of the time it's not so much what you say, but that you take the

time to say anything at all.

I suppose you could tell her how lucky she has been to have a husband who loves her, and lucky to have her children--no matter what their demons may be, I'm sure they love her.

I'm sure if you told her that you love her, she'd like to hear that too, and maybe that you admire someone who did so much considering where she came (from an abusive home).

She's just going to be happy that you kept in touch w/ her, and that you think of her.

[seemunkee]

2. Tell her

You care for her, her friendship has meant something to you.
That you love her. Find a picture of the two of you and send it with the card.

[jrandom421]

3. From my own experiences

My mom was a nurse and instructor for over 50 years and a number of her students were instrumental in spearheading the hospice programs in various states. When Mom was diagnosed with inoperable liver cancer, many of her former students (including the director of hospice care for an entire hospital system) insisted on managing her care.

During one of her visits, I asked her what I could say to Mom, knowing there were so many brewing issues with my family (greedy avaricious sisters, gay brother in closet dying of AIDS, Dad alone). She told me, to:
1) Express my love and caring without any reservation
2) Assure her that thing WILL be handled (maybe not well or in a timely fashion, but that things would be dealt with)
3) Let her talk and say what is on her mind

I was lucky. I got the chance to tell Mom I loved her, to say I was sorry that I had hurt and disappointed her, and to say goodby. I got the chance to listen to her and again appreciate her warmth, caring, insight, humor, and hard nosed realism concerning issues facing our family. My sisters spent way too much time and energy on who was going to get Mom's stuff and assume Mom's place in the family as the strong sure hand on the wheel. My brother spent all his time and energy staying undercover. As it was, I seem to be the only one who has managed to deal with the grief of Mom's passing and moved onto the rest of life. My siblings seem to be stuck at the time she died 4 years ago.

Hope some of this helps.