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In the last few weeks we've been treated to two "greatest conservative rock songs" lists. One was on Newsmax and contained forty songs--mostly hymns and patriotic standards. The other was in the National Review and contained lots of songs that had maybe one conservative phrase in them. It's hard to come up with a conservative rock song, because most conservative musicians play country music.
Let's help them out by fixing their lists. We're nice people. Nice people help people who need it, and these guys most certainly do.
We must first define what a conservative rock song is.
A conservative rock song is a rock song. It's not a country song. It's not a hymn, an oldie nor a patriotic standard. We'll use the Supreme Court's standard for obscenity to define a rock song: you'll know it when you see it. This lets out the great "Let The Eagle Soar" by former Attorney General John Ashcroft. No one can figure out what kind of a song that's supposed to be, although we have it on good authority that it's not rock.
A conservative rock song is performed by conservatives. Ideally the whole band should be conservatives, but we'll settle for the singer being a conservative. This excludes anything performed by The Ramones because while guitarist Johnny Ramone was a Republican, the rest of his band was not. It also excludes The Beatles' "Taxman" because anyone, regardless of political leanings, would complain about being in the 95-percent tax bracket like they were.
A conservative rock song expresses conservative ideals throughout. Among other tunes, this leaves out Ted Nugent's two biggest hits, "Cat Scratch Fever" and "Wang Bang Sweet Poontang" because...well, they're about extramarital sex. That's conservative reality, but it's not their ideal. It also nixes blink-182's "Stay Together For The Kids" because while the title expresses a good conservative ideal, the rest of the song is about a kid begging his parents to dump each other. Besides, I've seen Travis Barker and he is in no danger of receiving an invitation to the White House from any conservative I ever heard of.
And finally, a good conservative rock song should ideally be a good song. We'll have to let this one slide because most conservative rockers suck.
Using all but the last criterium, here are the Three Greatest Conservative Rock Songs of the Rock Era. Mainly because they're the ONLY three conservative rock songs of the rock era. Sorry, man.
3. Ted Nugent, "Kiss My Ass." Billy Crystal played a college English professor in the unheralded "Throw Momma From The Train." He taught a night-school literature-writing class in which a student turned in a book entitled "One Hundred Women I'd Like to Pork." This song is the freeper version of that classic tome. It's nothing more than a list of the Democrats he hates most and a wild-assed misstatement of liberal positions. This list only has three finalists, which makes me sad because some freeper's gonna call Ted and tell him the liberals had a contest and he got the bronze medal.
2. The Right Brothers, "Bush Was Right." A half-ass parody of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire," it praises Bush for causing the great swing toward democracy in countries like Libya. Someone's going to release a three-quarters-ass parody of "Bush Was Right" called "Please Don't Invade Us, Mr. Bush."
1. Dennis Madalone, "America We Stand As One." The first cut on the album "Dennis Madalone Kicks Kristen Breitweiser In The Teeth," Madalone's soaring vocalizations and tons of computer-generated angels in the video assure 9/11 widows that their deceased loved ones are not really dead, they're just "with us in a different way." Not so. As Pat Tillman's brother assured us at Ranger Tillman's fratricide funeral, "he's not in heaven, he's fucking dead."
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