I don't ever do this but... I think I just broke up with my girlfriend.

[MirrorAshes]

Forgive me for posting this here. I tried to call some friends but nobody is awake. I just have to vent a little to someone, anyone, and I guess at the moment that is all of you. Indulge me with a bit of advice or sympathy, or tell me to grow up and quit crying, whatever amuses you the most, I don't mind.

I love this woman, more than she will ever know. I picture myself growing old with her and being happy, and i want this to work, but it is very hard sometimes. she is manic depressive, extremely stressed out all the time due to work/drama with her friends, and lately I have been the only thing in her life to give her any kind of happiness, which I bend over backwards to do. Yet, I always manage to fall short, or some tiny detail that i've absent-mindedly forgotten or bungled somehow will come to overshadow all the much bigger and more important things I do do for her. She is constantly in a terrible mood, and only cheers up after I put up with a couple hours of walking through a minefield and doing my best not to piss her off. In those increasingly more rare moments that we are able to truly relax together, it is wonderful, everything I've always wanted and more. Unfortunately, I feel its becoming harder and harder to get to that point, and a dark cloud of stress and dread has been following me around wherever I go.

She comes by all of her stress honestly, and I don't resent her for it or hold it against her in the slightest. I really believe that I do everything in my power to be patient, understanding, caring and spend alot of time trying to figure out how to go the extra mile to really make her happy, but tonight we got into a huge argument where she dropped a bomb on me: evidently I'm just not doing enough. With what I was feeling at the time, to hear this was simply the last straw. I unloaded what was on my chest, and was met with nothing but a long, painful silence. I said things that needed to be said, but unfortunately the timing kind of brought it from something we could have talked through calmly to something that in all liklihood will be the end of our relationship. Nothing is official, but it felt bad.

I'm very sad right now. I'd think I'd be more upset, but I'm still kind of angry, and theres alot to process. I am surely not without blame here, but... perhaps it was inevitable. Maybe we can use this as a catalyst to really fix our issues, I hope so anyway. She'll never read this, but I love you baby, no matter what happens. I'm doing my best. I just don't know if its good enough anymore.

[Heidi]

1. I don't know whether this is any help at all,

but :hug:

[reyd reid reed]

2. Maybe

the explosion was for the best. I'm sure you're hurt and angry and sad and a lot of other things that you can't put your finger on right now but get some sleep (easier said than done, I know) and see where you are in the morning. Sounds like the blowup was gonna happen, sooner or later and, in this kind of situation, sooner is better. The longer it waits, the more resentment builds up and the worse the fallout usually is.

Whatever tomorrow and the next day and the day after that brings, I hope you find peace with it.

Good luck.

:hug:

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

3. You did'nt do anything wrong .

It was something that I went through before being on both sides : being manic depressive and deal with someone who is depressive . The only thing that you can do is take care of yourself. I myself got help for my depressive because I was taught a lesson and I did'nt want to drive anyone else away. Just give yourself time to heal and I give you a hug :hug:

[lwin]

4. Sounds like you dodged a bullet

I know you're trying to be a good guy, and you genuinely love her, but you have to cut your loses and move on after a certain point. You deserve a bit of happiness too.

[MaggieSwanson]

5. First of all,

I think you need a hug.
:pals:

I know a little bit about loving someone with manic depression.

Is it possible that she is heading into a depressive phase? That is what it sounds like to me. I think you need to evaluate whether or not your relationship is worth riding this one out. Whatever your decision I wish you all the best.

I ended up taking anti-depressants to help me deal with the emotional roller-coaster of loving someone bipolar. At first I thought it was ridiculous to have to medicate myself to deal with someone else's issues, but what I failed to recognize is that I was becoming depressed and R was feeding off my negative energy. When my depression cleared up, things improved for both of us.

I hope things work themselves out for the best; they usually do, you know.

[MirrorAshes]

8. thank you--thank you all for the hugs.

I was actually hoping that she was coming out of a depressive phase... Her mother committed suicide about 3 and a half years ago, and as you might imagine, that sent her into a pretty severe downward spiral that shes spent the last year or so pulling herself out of. She still has a long way to go, but she has made some incredible progress and done alot of things to help herself and get back on solid ground... I really think she's much much stronger than she gives herself credit for. She got a big promotion at work this month, and things were going really well for a while and I was thinking that she was really doing better, but some recent issues with a friend of hers betraying her (loooooong story) has really gotten to her and made things alot worse. I'm sure that part of it is only temporary, but its what seems to have brought on alot of our most recent problems.

I knew what I was getting into, she was very forthcoming about her issues and I have done my best to understand. I want to help her get better, but sometimes she seems to think shes destined for misery and all she can do is bring me along for the ride. I want to break those cycles, but I just don't know if I have the energy anymore. I feel terrible about that.

[Floogeldy]

6. I don't usually play matchmaker but, I think you should hook up with Faye.

:)

[ZombieNixon]

7. Aww, dude, I'm sorry.

:pals:

I can't really offer anything else but to say that things will work out somehow. Look on the bright side, there is still a chance to fix things, and if you want to fix things, you will.

When I broke up with my girlfriend, I was blasted shitfacedly drunk because I was so angry at her, and I really wanted to put things in a situation where she would never try to speak to me again. You didn't do that, so the two of you do have the chance to sort out where you stand. :)

Good luck, trust your instincts. It'll work out. :pals:

[MirrorAshes]

9. I do want it to work out. I really hope it will.

Thanks for the encouragement :toast:

[faithnotgreed]

10. what an incredibly sensitive & sweet person

you seem to be
i am so sorry for what you are both going through


this sentence jumps out at me as im sure it does some others:
" I do everything in my power to be patient, understanding, caring and spend alot of time trying to figure out how to go the extra mile to really make her happy"

i surely send you a hug and perhaps suggest that an affliction such as manic depression (or addiction among others) is not something that one can truly "understand" even when youre going through it
and for you to try to figure out what you can do to "really make her happy" is usually a lesson in pain and futility that can take a long time to realize and even more difficult to accept

its a bitch of a thing to live with and can have many roots - i am very sorry that she suffers from this

there are lots of online support groups and resources in case this may provide you any comfort or lists of resources

unless youre a professional all you can do is love her as of course you do but perhaps try to stop thinking you will be able to (or should) meet what appears to be her need because she has a disease that needs professional treatment
and therein lies the catch 22 of that kind of relationship
love someone so much that you feel you want to rescue them in some way but at the same time knowing you may have to try to separate from them because it hurts too much to stay on the vicious rollercoaster

it doesnt have to be all or nothing and i certainly dont know the situation but i do encourage you to look for outside help

i dont know what her life/family is like or if she has any support aside from you
basically you can love her but it sounds like you are realizing you cant "fix" her

is she open to getting help
have you discussed it at all
i would imagine this has all been talked about but since you said you hadnt really told her some things - until this blowup - then perhaps you havent talked about this yet

as it stands you could never meet the need of someone who requires that level of help and its especially difficult when you are so close to the situation because you want so much to try

do take some deep breaths and if you can eventually get some sleep do that too
and then perhaps with a clearer mind you can think about if there is any help available to her
sounds like you need to take some care of yourself too

i wish you both a lot of support and im glad you care for her as you do though clearly youve both been through the wringer
please talk with her as much as is ok for you and see what options there may be in your area and online
just in case this needs to be said please dont take all this responsibility on yourself
it sounds like you have taken a lot of this on your shoulders and are suffering for it so to the degree that you can research professional help ideas please do
and dont beat yourself up for what you think you can or should do differently. being a loving friend doesnt have to take just one form.

all my best.....

[MirrorAshes]

11. thank you so much for the thoughtful and kind advice

you make alot of important points... yes, I am coming to the realization that I can't fix her. It was naive to think I ever could, and I never thought I could just wave a magic wand and it'd be all better, but I thought with time and baby steps we could make some progress. We have, to some extent, but sometimes it feels like 1 step forward, 2 steps back, ya know...

I want to be strong enough to do this, to be her rock, to let her do what she has to do and still be there when its over... I've been telling myself I could, but I just don't know if I can anymore. I've dealt with some serious depression in my life too, I was never manic but it was very debilitating for a long time. I want to believe I know what its like for her, and that since I have really overcome alot of my demons and have been depression-free for a couple of years now that with time and patience she could overcome some of hers too... but its really starting to affect me, im edgy and stressed out now on a level that I havn't been in a long time, and I know that isn't healthy. She says she needs me to be strong and not add to her stress but lately that just amounts to taking her abuse and keeping my mouth shut until shes gotten all of it out of her system. I don't blame her, but I just don't know if I can take it anymore, but I don't want to hurt her either. I'm really scared about that, she can be very self-destructive.

anyway thanks for reading what I had to say and taking the time to write all that you did. its most appreciated.

:hug:

[faithnotgreed]

22. wow

you said it all right there
what love you have of course but also the realization phase that you cannot "fix" this and that there is need for real assistance

i am glad you have been able to get help for your depression and all that goes with it
you have a lot to be proud of including that you are recognizing the toll this is taking on you as well
thats healthy and mature of you and oh so necessary

as far as your relationship goes i guess i would only repeat that if you are able to find out what professional help is available that is one of the most loving things you can do - for both of you
you both need help to get through this and that may mean separating for now
i cant know all that is going on but often in this type of deeply troubled situation you have to take care of yourself before you are swallowed whole and she needs to get professional help

and i will also repeat that there is not just one way to be a friend. hopefully she can get some real help and will need any healthy support from you (boundaries and knowing her problems are not about you or caused by you) she can get but at the same time this is far too big for one or two people to shoulder by themselves
its vicious and overwhelming and needs a different kind of help than you are able to give

but that doesnt means its over or that you cant be part of her life in some form but i wouldnt want you to have any (relationship) expectations or need a particular outcome - perhaps a break of some sort will help you get some perspective and allow her to do what she needs as well but that is only for those involved to decide

who knows what may come with time and professional guidance
i believe everything is possible no matter the topic

i do wish you both lots of luck
as you said - baby steps

please do let us know....

[lildreamer316]

12. I'm sorry; but she needs to learn this lesson

on her own, evidently.
She cannot be a good and equal loving partner to you or anyone else until she faces herself. Manic depressive or not; she has to face that with or without her medication and deal with it--take responsibility for it. At this point you are just enabling and sacrificing yourself; which she will not admire anyway.
Let her be; be calm and if she calls; talk to her like a good friend; but refuse to engage in her drama. Lovingly let her go to learn this lesson.
I have a strong feeling this will work out for you--that she will be back. If you love her and you are of this strong a mind; then she has the same strength in her or you would not love her so much.

Breathe; and be glad you are helping the one you love to the next stage in her life; whatever that may be.

[NewWaveChick1981]

13. MirrorAshes, I'm sorry.

:hug: The other DUers have pretty much said it all. I'm sorry you had to go through this. It's not easy. You sound like a great guy, and she will eventually find out what she missed. :hug:

[Deja Q]

14. Thank you (and to those who responded to you.):

It is good to read how "the other side" (the mentally balanced) think.


I'm sorry she feels you are not doing enough. I don't know her side of the issue (bipolar or whatever the designation affects each victim differently, so even I cannot make parallels to her, despite having the same diagnosis).

And sometimes medications don't work.

How long have you been with her? Ass-backwards crazy or not, you have invested time with her. It's definitely something to think about. That is, if you truly do care. And it sounds like you do, and she needs to realize that as often as you can be there, you cannot be there more than 100% of the time. Always strive for 100, but 100% is also virtually unobtainable. Even I understand that.

[MirrorAshes]

17. We've been together just shy of 3 months...

so not really very long, but long enough for me to be exhausted.

I'm gonna try to go surprise her with some flowers or something later today, and have a talk. I'm going to do my best to explain myself and let her know that I'm here and I'm not going anywhere but she needs to meet me half-way if we're going to have a relationship. We'll see how it goes, I'll report back tonight since so many people here have been so kind.

[miss_american_pie]

15. I'm sorry

It sounds like she needs more help than you can give her right now. :hug:

[Callalily]

16. Sometimes love

just isn't enough.

[StellaBlue]

18. A year ago I was that girl

If it's not working, you've got to end it. You'll be doing both of you a favor.

If you're right for each other, you'll figure it out. You'll know.

[Haole Girl]

19. Hugs...

:hug:

I didn't read through all of the responses, so please forgive me if I repeat something already said.

First of all, while I am certainly not a professional mental health expert, I believe it is unfair to both her, and you, for you to feel like the one (and only one) who can "fix" her problems, or make her happy. She needs to learn how to make herself happy. Before entering into a long-term commitment, I would suggest she gets the help she needs (professional help) so you can be healthy and happy together. Nobody can truly make another person happy...and even if they can, is it really a fair burden?

Sorry if this sounds preachy!

[BlueIris]

20. 'Kay...um...I'm trying to access my now-notorious nicetude, here, I swear:

I think it would honestly be best if you stayed away from her from now on. It would probably be better if I didn't elaborate much on that sentiment. Hopefully, she will be able to get a decent therapist and sort out what she needs to sort out regarding why she was with you and why that wasn't good for her. I also hope she can ditch what sounds like a collectively unsupportive employment and social environment. Maybe you should get therapy, too. You'd probably get a lot more validation for your situation and your attitude about it from a qualified mental health professional you're paying to work with than you will (or should) from the Lounge at DU.

[MirrorAshes]

23. I take your point... but I must say,

the DU lounge was there for me last night when nobody else was, and I am very grateful for that.

[giant_robot]

21. I kind of know where you're coming from

My ex-girlfriend had problems. I was trying help her up, but she just kept pulling me down. There comes a point when you can't do anymore for a person and she has to help herself. It is inevitable. And yes, eight months after the break-up, I still love her. It sucks, and I empathize with you.

[MirrorAshes]

24. Hang in there

I'm sure I'll never stop loving mine, either, its just a shame she can't love herself.

[kiraboo]

25. Hi MirrorAshes,

I'm sorry you've had to go through this. I've been dealing with a breakup for three months and it's been rough, so I empathize with you. For what it's worth, I agree with many of the posters who've responded by saying that you can't be responsible for "fixing" your girl, and that it must come from within the lady herself. Maybe your breaking it off will be a catlyst but maybe not. And if not, you must protect yourself and your heart because they are in danger. Especially because you appear to be a kind and caring man.

I hope you are feeling a bit better today.