Divorced DUers: What caused your marriage to split up?

[Bucky]

The president (the one who said in 2000 "I think people should be able to enter into any kind of arrangements they want") has finally figured out what the greatest threat to matrimony is in this country--the horrific possibility that someone else in your neighborhood might find a life of happiness and contentment with someone of the same sex. I'm not so certain that's such big threat to people's relationships compared to, say, one partner being shipped off to the Middle East... where the women are so smokin' they gotta wrap 'em in burkhas!

But is marriage really endangered? And if it is, what are the real threats to it? I've heard the statistic repeated that 50% of marriages end in divorce. Is that a real statistic or are seriel marriers (cf., Mickey Rooney) throwing the statistics off? Well, the following poll will answer none of these important questions. But I still feel like prying into your personal life. So tell me, What caused your marriage to split up?

[Deja Q]

1. Angelina Jolie wouldn't do it with me.

:cry:


I did get some Bran, but that's thanks to Post cereal company... maybe I ought to marry Post...

[Alleycat]

2. A variety of reasons

A disconnect caused by us growing in different directions which was initiated by the birth of our child who my husband felt he just wasn't ready which lead to his infidelity and regression back to his earlier years cause they were more fun.

Not sure which I should vote for.

[Bucky]

4. If we had Diebold polls you could vote for 'em all! But, alas, you gotta

you gotta choose. What's the core reason? Of course it's a silly poll, but then again it's in response to a silly premise that's justifying an even sillier Constitutional Amendment. If you can't answer this poll, then you obviously hate America & the terrorists have already won.

[TahitiNut]

3. Incompatible sleeping habits. (She discovered I was a cuckold.)

She slept with other people. I didn't. :shrug: Why is there no term like 'cuckold' applied to women?

[Bucky]

7. If a cuckhold is a man whose wife cheats on him, then a woman is called

a woman whose husband cheats on her should be called a twaddled.

[TahitiNut]

9. I find it fascinating that 'cuckold' is regarded as a coarse epithet.

So, when a wife cheats we insult the husband. Fascinating. :puke:

It's made even more fascinating to me that if I were to call her a 'slut' or a 'bitch' for her behavior I'd be deemed to be in the wrong yet again (e.g. DU rules).

[Bucky]

24. I am alerting the mods about your use of coarse epithets

that would be par for the coarse.

[TahitiNut]

29. Yep. I'm certain (from experience) that there are MANY DUers too 'polite'

... to say what they actually (bigotedly) think. Believe me, I've dealt with it for many years. :eyes:

[Scoody Boo]

5. She had a lover for years...

I finally caught her with him in a motel in a neighboring town. Threw her clothes, the hotel linen, and the guy off of a second story balcony. In an incredible stroke of good luck, he landed on his own car.:)

By the time the divorce became final, we had not spent more than five minutes together without our lawyers. I have not even laid eyes on her in 5 years.

[Fuzz]

6. Should have kept the clothes

;)

[Scoody Boo]

10. I shoved her naked...

out of the motel room then closed the door behind her. The key was still inside.

You know what the real kicker was? I took my daughter with me when I did this. She saw her mother and her mother's lover get tossed out of a motel room together. Yadira has never gotten over hating me for taking our daughter with me that day.

She should have known, I ALWAYS play hardball.

[Bucky]

11. I kind of agree with her

You should leave the kids out of the bullshit. A child has a right to respect her mother and her mother has a right to not have stupid mistakes used against her relationship with her child. Yes, she showed crappy judgment. But your reaction was over the top. Taking the child along to a scene like that isn't playing hardball. It's playing dirty.

[Scoody Boo]

13. Divorce is a dirty business.

I knew what I was doing. I had assets, a home, all sorts of shit she would have been after. Instead she got none of it but the knowledge that her child saw her tossed out of a hotel room naked like a common whore.

When I first found out what was going, I thought the the woman (her best friend) who was supposed to be her alibi had blown it. That she had said something by mistake and then tried to cover it up.

When the truth came out, the woman had puposely let it slip. I found this out after she had been living in my house for a couple of months.

And I thought that I was playing hardball. :)

[Bucky]

18. Divorce is dirty, true. But parenting is NOT dirty business. You hurt her

You hurt your ex-wife's ego, sure. But your hurt your child more by undermining her respect for her own mother. You need to apologize to both of them. Yes, you were wronged and you were played. But that doesn't excuse harming your child.

I knew what I was doing. I had assets, a home, all sorts of shit she would have been after. Instead she got none of it but the knowledge that her child saw her tossed out of a hotel room naked like a common whore.

So your money is more important than your child's mental health?

Just out of curiosity, who got custody of the child? If your ex ended up with custody, how can you justify bragging that she got nothing out of the settlement? Wouldn't that be another case of you harming the child to get back at her mom?

[Scoody Boo]

22. I got custody of my girl...

her mother got visitation rights. Yadira saw our daughter much more often that what the court had specified. I never went by what was court ordered and let her see her when ever she wanted. All custody really meant was that Marianna lived with me.

[mtnsnake]

27. You did what you had to do

Hey, as long as your daughter got some good "after the incident" counseling and nurturing from you, I think you did the right thing. For all anyone knows, if your daughter hadn't witnessed it, her mom might have swayed her from ever knowing the real truth. At least that can't happen now.

[Deja Q]

59. He's human. Subject to the moralities, genuine or spurious, humanity has.

I think he's grotesque for, amongst other things, putting his own child in a position of pitting him against mother in such a sleazy and petty way.

He could have taken the high road, as most of us would be mature enough to do.

Oops. He didn't.

Dunno what the child thinks of mommy, but make no doubt about it - the child isn't going to be so keen on him, sooner or later.

I truly pity the child. Indeed, his actions are just as bad as his ex-wife's were.

And he got a lot out of the settlement: Bestowing lots of emotional abuse, amongst other things. He deserves nothing.

Disgusting and depraved. And the child is going to suffer, by far, the most.

[Hamlette]

23. divorce is a dirty business, but it is YOUR dirty business

not your child's. Regardless of what your wife did, when you brought a child into this world you agreed to protect that child. You used your child to punish your wife. Poor kid. It's likely the child will turn against you for it. You've got some nasty karma coming.

You proudly say that you play hardball, which may explain why your wife was having an affair.

[Scoody Boo]

30. My daughter is 20 years old now.

She is attending Texas A&M in College Station, Texas. She has been living in neighboring Bryan, Texas since she started college with her mother. She is spending the summer with me.

Well rounded, athletic young woman, my girl is. Her skin is a dark as mine but she inherited her mother's hazel eyes. Makes for quite a striking contrast.

I never tried to keep my child away from her mother. Like I said before, Yadira could see her whenever she wanted.

Our daughter knows why her parents are divorced though, and who's fault it was.

[Hamlette]

36. well, good for you

you sound mighty proud to have won.

I didn't mean your daughter would turn out "bad", I meant, she might turn on you. Hold it against you. But that is because I find your actions worse than your wife's. Your wife did not behave responsibly when she had the affair. But maybe she had an affair because she was living with a guy who always plays "hardball" and is proud of it. Playing hardball is okay for sports, not for families. Your response of using your daughter to get back at your wife with the hoped for result that the daughter would hate the mother is mean spirited.

A moral, ethical life is about being compassionate. Having compassion for those who are vulnerable above all. How did using your daughter help you win your house and your money, which seems more important to you than your child's wellbeing? I would rather live in poverty knowing I did nothing to harm my son than to have all the money in the world and have to live with the knowledge I had hurt him. Turning him against his Dad, in my opinion and my experience, would hurt him.

Kids are off limits in a divorce. Nothing is worth it. Think about how hurt you were when you learned your wife was having an affair. Seems you wanted your daughter to feel that same pain.

[Scoody Boo]

38. Truth is...

I didn't win anything. I am no longer with Yadira, the woman I have loved like I have never loved another. I can't put into words or express how much I adored this woman. I could maybe express it through Interperative Dance, but I would have to get really drunk first. :)

As much as I loved her, I could not forgive what she had done. Love isn't enough sometimes.

I won't make that emotional investment again. Not in anybody. Well, maybe in Faye if she ever appears.

[Dangerously Amused]

52. Is ANY of it your fault?

I can't imagine why your ex would stray from such a perfect guy. I mean, it's not like you're violent, vengeful, manipulative, bitter... and proud of it all, or anything. :eyes:


Christ, I feel sorry for your kid and your ex.

[miss_american_pie]

60. I'm probably wasting my time

but I feel the need to say this.

My parents divorced when I was very young. They tried their best to keep us out of it, they sure as hell never caused any scenes as ugly as what you've described, but it still has it's effects.

Your daughter is half her mother. I'm betting your daughter loves her mother regardless of whatever relationship they've had. And I'd bet your daughter, to one degree or another, internalizes the negative things you say about the person who is half of who she is.

[Samurai_Writer]

14. How old was your daughter at the time?

What you did to your daughter was abusive, IMO. Exposing a child to that type of situation can have lasting emotional scars, not to mention, it could ruin her relationship with her mother forever. Even though your wife broke your marriage vows, that does not give you the right to destroy the girl's relationship with her mother.

I was married to a pathological liar and serial cheater. I proved he slept with at least 5 women in our 2 1/2 year marriage. I proved it so well, in fact, that I got divorced for cause of adultery in TEXAS, which is almost impossible to do. But if we would have had children, they would have been left out of our marital problems, and I would never have interfered with their relationship with their father.

[Bucky]

17. Damn straight. I know it's tough to do the right thing when other do wrong

But being aggrieved is no excuse for aggrieving others. Acting in self defense is one thing. Dragging a child into the middle of a messy sexual situation is just sick

[Scoody Boo]

25. True. It was over the top.

But emotions were running high and rage was kind of fogging my think. At that time, getting even was as far as I could see.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

55. And I can't say I blame this Yadira.

If MY parents wanted to brutalize one another, I would appreciate it if they kept me out of it.

:eyes:

[txwhitedove]

56. Sadly, you still sound too hard...

bittnerness is as nasty and deadly as any drug.  Violence is
hard enough for adults, so you should have left your daughter
out of that confrontation.

[countingbluecars]

15. Sounds like a bad movie. eom

[Scoody Boo]

20. It was a bad time all together. n/t

[Haole Girl]

44. My father invloved my sister in our own parents' mess

...and my mother was, also, the one who was unfaithful.

To this day my sister is messed-up in the head about it. The symptoms didn't start showing until her late 30's. In fact, we all thought she was the normal one- did well in school, got her masters, had a very high paying job.

I wish your daughter the best of luck, and I hope she has had proper counseling...so she doesn't have relationship problems later in life.

[NewJeffCT]

8. A few reasons for mine

My ex-wife encountered a few physical problems right after we got married. I'm not going to go into what type of problem, but needless to say it would have been difficult to handle if she hadn't also just gotten married and also just moved away from home and also had to find a new job. (I suggested counseling, but she flatly refused... if I tried to comfort her, I was accused of smothering her... if I gave her even a tiny bit of space, I was accused of being distant & cold... so I couldn't win!)

After the problems, she got kind of depressed and decided to try to spend her way out of depression - nice restaurants 2-3 times a week, and okay restaurants 2-3 more times a week; a trip to the Caribbean; a trip to Florida; etc, etc.

Additionally, I was working on a major project at work and putting in 70-80 hours per week.

Unfortunately, she only had a part-time job working as a waitress and didn't contribute much to the family finances, and used her depression to justify doing zero housework (so, I was working 80 hours a week & then had to come home & clean the house and walk her dog, despite her working 20-25 hours a week.)

Finally, we just couldn't handle being together anymore and she filed for divorce less than a year into the marriage.

I knew the end was coming, and immediately got back up on my horse and dated 3 women in that first week alone!

After that, I had to take a 2nd job working in a restaurant just to keep up with all the debt she had left me (she got no alimony due to the debt!)

[soleft]

12. gay marriage

seriously we were both gay

[NI4NI]

16. Surveys show that marriage

is the #1 reason for divorce.

[porphyrian]

19. Money, personally. The way I heard it best described...

...is that people in relationships fight over their least resource, whether that's money, time, sex or whatever. I think that's pretty much always the case.

[sutz12]

21. 1, 2, 3, and 5....mostly on my part. Both times.

:shrug: What can I say, I'm not very good at being married.

Wait, my first wife had a gay brother. Maybe I should blame it on him. :sarcasm:

[Bucky]

26. By this poll, Angeline Jolie is responsible for 12% of all infidelities

plus or minus 5% margin of error

[mtnsnake]

28. You left out an important choice: "Posting too much on the internet"

How many times do we hear our spouses hollering from the next room, "Honey, when are you coming to bed, and who the hell are you talking to all the time on the computer...some internet sweetheart? Shut that damn thing down!!"

:evilgrin:

[supernova]

31. You forgot to mention abuse

All of the causes on your poll are differences among reasonable, mostly normal people.

What if you find yourself in an abnormal marriage? What if you find yourself married to a ragaholic, himself abused as a child, who doesn't and can't understand the feelings and needs of another? What if you find yourself married to someone who abuses you verbally and financially?

That's what I realized happened to me. I realzed that he would never be able to see me as a separate person from him and, ergo, he would never be able to care for me in the way I deserve. But that he would always need me to iron out the daily routine of his life: see that the fridge was full, see that he ate well, see that we slept regularly. I became his mom, in other words, since the one who bore him basically treated him like shit his whole life.

I spent a long time trying to discern why I was attracted to him. Why I didn't see it. I'm not sure I know now. But I do know that there are some warning signs I should have seen. I didn't call it abuse at the time. It was only after leaving him that I could finally put a name to what happened to me.

[sutz12]

32. Choice 2 covers that.....?

[supernova]

39. Emotional abuse

is different. It cuts deep without leaving any visible scars that others can readily see. And it's not substance abuse either. He wasn't abusing any chemicals at that point.

I'm remembering vaguely a quote along the lines of "we are all happy in the same way; but we all suffer in our on unique way." Whatever pain we all have deserves to be given its unique due.

[johnaries]

33. You forgot "Gay Marriage ruined the sanctity of mine".

:sarcasm:

[Chemical Bill]

34. We communicated well, but grew in different directions. n/t

[Triana]

35. You left out emotional abuse...(n/t)

[BlueIris]

47. No shit. Not cool. Neither is that "children ruined mine" option.

Yes, I get that it's sarcasm, but some things aren't appropriate to make jokes about. That's in very bad taste.

[no name no slogan]

54. right on. It's pretty common

[TransitJohn]

37. Other

the ex left me with the kid, because I shaved off the ol' dreadlocks, grew up into responsibility, and wasn't cool anymore.

[Bunny]

40. My torrid affair with Jude Law.

The ex just could not deal with that. :cry:

[progmom]

41. gayness

(mine)

[MadAsHellNewYorker]

42. .

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

48. Gayness

(hers)

RL

[progmom]

57. .

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

61. .

:hug:

RL

[LeftyMom]

43. Abuse

There was infidelity as well, but I didn't find that out until I'd already changed the locks on the jackass.

[kiraboo]

45. I voted for lack of communication/growing apart

BUT I think I'd still be planning on staying in the marriage if I hadn't fallen in love with somebody else. The other man may be gone, but the realization that my marriage is shit, remains.

[flvegan]

46. Grew apart. Waaaaay apart.

My mind opened, hers didn't. Today, she and I would have nothing in common whatsoever.

[Dees]

49. Alcohol....n/t

[Radio_Lady]

50. Here's the count for me:

Marriage #1 at age 19 -- willful desertion is the official reason. We married six weeks after meeting each other. Then I had a stillborn girl child (macrocephalic). I was severely and clinically depressed. He left me in the hospital. Footnote: I called him while I was in New York City and had a delightful chat. He's 79 years old now, still a doctor in practice a couple days each week, married with two boys in their 30s, and lives with his wife in New Jersey. I have a beautiful string of pearls given to me by his mother in 1960. I am thinking about finally returning this item to him to give to his wife or sons. That piece of jewelry really belongs in his family, not mine.

Marriage #2 at age 30 something -- after nine years, the reason was irreconcilable differences. This is the 70 year old fellow who married his sweetheart two weeks after we divorced in 1971. He now has terminal lung and bladder cancer and has been given only a few months to live. Sad but true...

In peace,

Radio_Lady

http://thumb.shutterstock.com/photos/display_pic_with_logo/182/182,1101161396,1.jpg

[Floogeldy]

51. Booze and sex.

The bitch wouldn't get drunk and screw! ;)

[txwhitedove]

53. Oh God, #2 goes hand-in-hand...

1) He had started doing acid and pot, got turned on by our 3-month old daughter, “Here quick, take her, she’s turning me on.” After his mother found out I was getting counseling for us, though I didn’t tell her why, she moved him out and I considered it done, irreversible. He came to my work after I’d filed for divorce, wanting to get back together and said, “I forgive you.” ???

2) The Love of my life, with a wonderful Christian family, former chaplain dad, turned out to be a dynamic yet seriously disturbed animal, con man, compulsive liar, and finally drug addict. He was so bigger than life and lovable, I had to wait until my children found needles and they told me, “Mom, get him out of here.” I eased him out of the house with love. He was murdered within 3-yrs.

3) Lastly, I thought a hard working beer drinker would be a cake-walk. Wrong, big mistake. Their brain gets pickled along with the liver and the crazy jags just got bigger and worse. He was finally arrested in the act of abuse and still in jail when I moved to another state.

3-strikes you’re out. I feel like a pioneer woman who buried 3 husbands. So, my “picker” is broke and I’ve been alone for 4+years now.

[faithnotgreed]

62. i am so sorry for all you have been through

i hope youre doing ok and very glad you arent in any of those situations any longer
some people do stay because they cant recognize or cant accept whatever it is that keeps them in such a horrid situation

best wishes

[txwhitedove]

63. Appreciate kindness and good wishes, Faithnotgreed...

doing really well now.  H.Katrina blew me back to Texas in a
big way, but it was like a re-birth.  Just now starting to
communicate with world via DU, joined local Dem group, toy
with idea of dating but.....

[faithnotgreed]

64. that sounds great

not the katrina part - that deserves a lot more than well wishes - you and everyone else are OWED for that travesty
i cant even wrap my mind around that right now

but the part about joining your local dem group and other like minds is good news
you just never know
and again i will say i am glad for you
you have been through some wringer that i cant even comprehend but i am glad youre here to tell us about it

i hear there are a few really great texan liberals.....
just teasing
i dont know what part you live in but i hear great things about the dems there

take good care and let us know if you meet anyone you want to run by us
ha

[malta blue]

58. a combination of several factors

but alcohol was the main one. His daily consumption led to the lack of communication, etc.