Women cheat as much as men, but with less guilt

[Loonman]

http://abcnews.go.com/sections/GMA/Relationships/GMA030728CheatingWomen.html

While Barash wasn't surprised about the reasons women expressed for cheating, she said she was surprised by the lack of guilt.

[papau]

1. Ever play "Who is the real father" ? - heard of Afternoon Delight?

Men are the evening cheats with the same old, same old.

The ladies move union worker and craftsmen genes into the "professional"'s family line. It is a job to help the species - and someone has to do it!

:evilgrin:

:-(

[sexybomber]

6. haha

that's a pretty positive way of looking at it... :evilgrin:

[El Mariachi]

2. geesh

I feel myself getting more misogynistic daily. :/

[Skittles]

3. don't, El E

these gals don't represent a majority of women.

[El Mariachi]

5. I certainly hope so

I definitely hope it isn't the majority. However, hearing information such as this, and combined with my own experience (never been cheated on, that I know of: but have had friends that did or have been cheated on), it makes it just a little bit more difficult to be trusting.

Then again, I'm thinking many of these women were/are immature when they got married. Its obvious that most of these women still ARE immature when they felt NO GUILT at all- and blamed everything on the man/marraige. I mean, wake up! Why did you get married to a person like this and why didn't you take the time to work it out?

Either it was the guy she's cheating on's fault for being a loser, or the guy she's cheating with's fault for taking advantage of her at a bad time.

[TahitiNut]

4. I'm thankful I've not become a misogynist.

My personal experience (two marriages, an engagement, family, and close friends), it's not "as much" but "more." What's appalling to me is the pervasive sexist myth I've encountered that it's "his fault". Oh well, nobody's immune from bigotry. :shrug:

[Loonman]

8. Well....

To throw some gasoline on the fire...

Why is it when men cheat they are "scumbags",m but when women do, they are "unsatisfied in their current relationship".


just break up for crying out loud.

[SOteric]

32. That's a broad and useless generalisation

I've never personally called anyone a scumbag only for cheating, usually the title is bestowed by me on a person who's a real scumbag. Like the dude that cheated on his wife of 15 years while she was in chemo, fighting for her life. Then cleaned out her bank account and took her off his health insurance. Leaving her destitute, homeless, fighting a terminal illness and trying to raise a 12 and a 13 year old. Now...that's a scumbag.

But no mere incidence of cheating, that was scumbaggery.

And don't fool yourself, I know plenty of guys who rationalise cheating because:

• wife gained weight and let herself go
  
• wife won't 'put out' more than once a month
  
• wife 'doesn't understand me'
  
• wife pushed me into marriage against my will (What kind of spineless git are you?)
  
• wife is a 'bitch from hell and constantly PMSing'
  
• wife spends all my money and leaves me living like a pauper
  

Rationalising your personal indiscretions is not a trait singular to one gender.

[TahitiNut]

37. "Indiscretion"

That's an interesting euphemism. It doesn't refer to the adulterous activity; it seemingly only refers to the failure to be discrete (i.e. to keep it out of view, hidden). From whom?, I wonder. I was one of the last to know. Did that make her only slightly 'indiscrete'? :shrug:

[SOteric]

38. Indiscretion:

n 1: the trait of being injudicious (syn: injudiciousness) 2: a petty misdeed (syn: peccadillo)


http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=indiscretion

[TahitiNut]

49. "discreet"

Entry: discreet
Function: adjective
Definition: cautious
Synonyms: alert, attentive, awake, cagey, calculating, careful, chary, circumspect, civil, clam, conservative, considerate, controlled, diplomatic, discerning, discriminating, gingerly, guarded, having foresight, heedful, intelligent, judicious, moderate, noncommittal, not rash, observant, politic, precautious, prudent, reasonable, reserved, restrained, safe, sagacious, strategic, tactful, temperate, thoughtful, unexcessive, unextreme, vigilant, wary, watchful, wise, worldly-wise

http://thesaurus.reference.com/search?q=discreet

[SOteric]

50. I'm familiar with the word discreet

It was your question of my usage of the fairly common in such circumstances 'indiscretion' which inspired the definition. I'm not using it incorrectly, so I just thought you weren't familiar with that particular usage of the word.

[TahitiNut]

53. It was the general use of that euphemism

that I was looking at, not yours in particular. I think I'm (perhaps only slightly) above average in my (still improving, hopefully) familiarity with the language (despite my mispelling of "discreet" as "discrete," an entirely different word), and am (at least somewhat) aware of the distinction between connotation (figurative or associated meaning) and denotation (most specific or direct meaning).

IOW, I was merely observing the connotation that could imply "lack of secrecy" -- and a thesaurus is useful in perusing such connotations.

[ForrestGump]

56. Well some secretes are worth keeping

Or so my secretory says.

[slappypan]

7. small and self-selected sample

"Barash found the subjects of her book by posting ads in YWCAs and asking women who contacted her to refer friends who were also having affairs."

Not only a rather small group of subjects (120), but a group that actively sought out a chance to talk about (brag about?) having an affair. I wonder how representative this group really would be.

But is anyone really surprised, given the boundless sense of entitlement our culture seems to create. This is a pervasive problem, and not just a man/woman issue.

[WoodrowFan]

11. Self-Selected

Self-Selected Poll? UGH. Sounds like Shere Hite's junk, or any freeper poll. Any poll that relies on the respondents all being volunteers who already know the subject they will be responding to is biased from the getgo.,

[SOteric]

21. Excellent Points

All of these same thoughts occurred to me, as well.

120 women who voluntarily acknowledged having an affair are an exceptionally small sampling. I speculate that those who were in no hurry to acknowledge an affair could well have expressed a great deal more guilt.

[dawg]

9. Doesn't anyone believe in magic anymore?

I still do. I want the fairytale romance, with the happy ever after ending.

I would not want to cheat under any circumstances, because what I want most of all is to have a special, unspoiled bond with the woman I love. I don't want anything to come between us.

Of course, I'm a guy, so maybe I'm not relevant to this thread, but surely there are some women out there who feel the same way? (I sure hope my wife feels that way, would be heartbroken to find out otherwise)

[fromsmalltownAmerica]

13. I do

I too want that special unspoiled relationship with a man. I have never cheated on my husband and never will. Hopefully he has never cheated on me. Heck I never cheated on my ex who was an abusive, controlling and cheater himself. I did everything I could to make the marriage work and when I realized it wasn't possible I called it quits.

I feel that if anyone gets to a point in their marriage or relationship where they are not satisfied and feel the need to cheat then it's time to do something about it. Either go to a counselor or break it off. Cheating never resolves anything and we've all heard the saying, "what goes around, comes around." Even if someone ends up leaving the person they are cheating on to take the relationship even farther with the person they are cheating with, there is a chance that the cheating will not stop. Cheat once, chances are there will be cheating twice.

[radwriter0555]

16. Honey, it ain't all hollywood.

There are wet spots and farting, bad breath and odd personal hygiene habits -- or lack thereof.

There are crummy relatives and emotional baggage, nasty kids and picket fences that always need a coat of paint. There is never enough money and always too much debt.

The grass is always greener, the men are always hotter, the women are younger and the kids better looking and more talented or smarter -- across the street.

The flowers die, the towels still end up on the floor and the dishes never get put away.

It's just life. It isn't fairy tale romances, which is why there are so many divorces. We get disillusioned when our lives don't turn out like the ones in the movies. And we go off in search of what really doesn't exist in the first place.

So discover what makes you happy... and start there. Create your own bliss not reliant on the pictures others paint.

[dawg]

20. Magic doesn't mean Hollywood ....

I'm a grownup who understands all the crap that comes with living in the real world. And I don't expect things to be easy or perfect or anything like that.

I do believe that being in love should be something special, and that two people can cling to each other while the world spins and attempts to do its worst. I don't want to fall in love with a movie character - that's just a fantasy. I want a real woman in the real world.

[Interrobang]

33. Ugh.

I'd settle for one primary and a couple of people on the side. I don't know how you folks do it, because I've been monogamous for a couple of years now, and it's really rubbing my fur the wrong way. It's kind of like eating the same food over and over again. I mean, I may really, really like that particular dish, but for the 720th time?! Argh.

Also, I despise this characterization of we non-monogamous types as "immature." It's neither mature nor immature to desire or not desire multiple affairs, as near as I can figure. In fact, in a couple of the poly relationships I've been in, everyone's handled everything with a grace and decorum you just don't see in mono relationships. There, you get the romantics who blather on about "unspoiled bonds" and the like, and the "if s/he cheated, dump hir now!" fanatics, and the pragmatists say, "Ok. Let's set down the rules."

So I can totally understand "cheating," although I don't condone it; if you want to have multiple affairs, you should at least have the courtesy to inform and discuss with your primary, and/or not get into a primary relationship in the first place. I refuse to feel guilty about what I feel is simply my nature. I don't think that everyone was made to be happily and monogamously pair-bonded. (Jane Juska said about the same thing: "One person is dangerous. Three -- three spreads it all out. It's rare to find one person who can speak to all parts of you, and you can love more than one person at a time, you know.")

Then again, I'm absolutely the *least* romantic person on the planet, and I don't harbour any fanciful illusions that relationships are somehow magical and precious, or something. They're fun and rewarding, sure, but they're also hard work, and sometimes more trouble than they're worth. So colour me unsurprised, even at this biased finding.

[dawg]

35. I don't think you're immature.

If you aren't into monogamy, that's your business. You can't "cheat" unless there was originally an intent to form a permanent, exclusive bond.

I'm a helpless romantic, sappy as all Hell, and I know it. But I don't think that everyone should have to be like me.

[ForrestGump]

41. I don't think that humans are naturally 'meant' to be monogamous

But I do think that a promise is a promise, and that one of marriage (an or unmarried equivalent) should not be violated. Maybe marriage should therefore be the exception, for people who are mutually bonded and who manifest the requisite fidelity, rather than the rule.

I've certainly had occasional visions of polyamorous interludes, at least (well, mostly when I was about 15), though my demonstrated inability to successfully live with just one female doesn't really bode well for me taking on a veritable harem of Gump groupies. Sure, everyone's different and perhaps open non-monogamy can work for some, but if I were given the choice between marriage and its polygamous counterpart I think I'd ask for a third choice.

Monogamy just somewhow seems worth aspiring to, for me, but perhaps that's just because I'm acculturated that way. It's not like I (probably many of us) have a lot of positive role models in that regard, though.....

[SOteric]

42. I disagree

I think some people are well-suited to monogamy and some are not. (And my observational, purely anecdotal evidence suggests it doesn't fall so much along gender lines as many like to believe.)

The better part of wisdom is to sort out which kind of person you are and choose not to spend your life trying to bend any one else to that viewpoint.

[ForrestGump]

46. My disagreement's bigger than your disagreement!

Well, actually, I think that you're right.

But I do think - though this comes from a kinda sociobiological point of view - that we're supposed to, like everything else, disperse our DNA all over the place (male) while making sure that the DNA's the best available (female)....both conditions spell potential doom for monogamy.

But how powerful is the primeval urge to go forth and mix DNA in comparison to emotional or relationship-related (or drug/alcohol-induced, etc) reasons for human infidelity? So in the everyday sense, without going Darwin on it, yeah, I agree that some are better able to remain monogamous than others (no matter how 'artificial' monogamy may be in the world of nature, red in tooth and claw). The trick is in getting two such people together.

--> --> -->

[SOteric]

47. Ya know I just referenced this in a thread a day or two ago

But most Physical Anthropologists agree that the commonly held cultural belief that men are somehow meant or programmed to scatter their seed is not likely to be true or even good theory.

In fact the greater likelihood is that matrimony is a male invention rather than a female one. And it's rigid adherence in more male-dominated societies and disintegration in more matrilineal ones seems to bear that out.

From a biological point of view, a woman increases her chances of reproducing viable offspring by mating with as many men as possible. In that manner she increases the likelihood of fertile seed being introduced at the perfect moment in her rather whimsical personal cycle.

Males would have the greatest chance of producing viable offspring by selecting one or two mates with whom they could have repeated access to intercourse, increasing the likelihood that a conception was the result of his seed and not that of another male.

Matrimony was the likely result of a sort of "I'll take care of you, if you agree to only produce my offspring and not be active with other males," kind of arrangement.

Moreover, if men had been somehow programmed to just dick around and run, the survival rate of early mankind would have been fairly dismal. Man is a jealous beast, and the rages over a jealous lover would have ended many a Pithicanthropus.

[ForrestGump]

48. Sure, matrimony probably is a male construct

Look at doves - they're not constantly together because they're lovebirds but because the male dove doesn't trust the female to remain faithful, so he never lets her out of his sight. With good reason, too, because female cheating in birds is common (in some species it's by far the norm) and the resulting epidemic of 'extra-pair paternity' would blow whatever diseased brainscape passes for Jerry Falwell's mind.

Females want their sons (and daughters, but the sons are thought to be more 'important' ina genetic sense) to be of the highest genetic quality so they'll try to get together with the best-looking dude around, all things being equal. That might not be the husband bird, or whatever. Little species-specific quirks like sperm storage and sperm competition make the whole thing that much trickier to figure out, but the bottom line is that the female wants to pass on the best genes that she can. It's a lot of work to have a baby, so why not make it count. And she's relatively limited in her egg capacity, at least compared to the male and his continually-renewing fountain of DNA, so the investment is way higher for her.

The male, on the other hand, has propagules that are cheap to produce and his commitment to the embryonic results may be zero (depending on the species), so the best strategy for him is to go wild and inseminate everything that he can. Yes, this is where frat boys come from. Much easier to get someone pregnant than to be pregnant yourself.

The same principles apply to humans - males produce gallons of their genetic propagules whereas females have a fixed supply, there since birth, and fertilization of any one of them results in physical consequences that the female, alone, goes through. Fine, but I'm just not sure how much cultural mores and so on modify this fairly basic genetic drive. I'd say that both male and female humans are preadapted to cheat, but add in social constraints and who knows that the end result is.

Maybe it makes some sense, though, that males are the ones who're (biologically) going to want to reel their female in more than vice-versa....all else aside, it really doesn't cost the female much (emotional consequences aside) if the male wants to go injecting his DNA into every other female in the neighborhood, because he's got plenty of that stuff. But it can cost the male a lot to be fathering offspring that are not his, espcially considering potential costs of defense, provision of food, etc. That's why male lions kill the cubs, bloodthirsty beasts that they may seem to us.

So, maybe, in staying closer to the hearth, or having the overall community keep an eye on things in his mammoth-hunting absence, old Thog stopped getting any action on the side because (a) there were no women out at the mammoth grounds, (b) he had to guard his wife when he was handy, and (c) old Zag the Destroyer was liable to get mean with that club if he caught or even heard of Thog sniffing around his woman. All perhaps best seen in humans under a kinda cave-man context, but the same kind of concerns are voiced by men today who find that they're not the kid's biological father.

I forgot what I was trying to say.....

I think I partly agree with you, so I also partly disagree with you, but the bottom line is that it's now past time for me to eat something. :-)

[geniph]

45. I've never been successful at monogamy

so I believe in honesty, instead. Once you let go all the baggage about unrealistic expectations (no one stops noticing attractive people just because they love someone) and accept that jealousy not only doesn't define love, it may be its antithesis, then you can move beyond into a different type of relationship. Many, many people are quite successful maintaining poly relationships, whether it's with one primary and temporary flings, a number of primary relationships, or a couple of primaries and the occasional fling.

The minutiae of daily life has an inevitable deadening effect on romance. It takes effort, a LOT of effort, to keep romance alive when people have toothaches, backaches, bills to pay, stepkids, inlaws, trouble at work, you name it. It's easy to see the relationship that isn't encumbered by all that crap as more exciting, more fun. Where you run into trouble is when you either a) lie about it (to either partner), or b) decide to bail on the primary relationship because it's not endlessly magic anymore.

Magic is something to strive for, but not to expect.

[ForrestGump]

10. And they cheat in their hearts too. Terrible. Photographic evidence:

That it's a picture of me that she's placed over his face in no way lessens my outrage......

[radwriter0555]

12. Yeah? So what?? Guilt is rather pointless, now isn't it?

What honey doesn't know won't hurt his feelings.

So what's the point of feeling bad about something that Honey will never know about?

Get it?

Guilt is for those who like drama.

[JVS]

15. What about integrity?

If you can't feel guilt when you break your word, then even you don't respect your own word. People who don't feel guilt are without moral fiber.

[radwriter0555]

17. What word? Marriage vows? Not something I would ever do..

actually.

I don't believe in marriage. I think it's all a crock. A nice legal agreement is more my style if property and assets become mingled, but I don't impose morals on a relationship. If I'm with someone, I'm with them because I want to be.

If I find myself attracted to someone else, then apparently there is something not quite right about the existing relationship and then would be a good time to either extricate myself kindly, or work harder on it. It's about choice.

What is moralistic or non-moralistic about falling in love with someone, or, falling OUT of love with someone?

Love isn't right or wrong.

[JVS]

18. Well as long as there is no marriage and no "commitment" it's not cheating

In that case carry on with the fornication, it's all good. But when one has an agreement with someone and they violate the agreement, then guilt is in order.

[ForrestGump]

19. That's fine if you're honest and open about it, and both on

that same kind of plane. Yes, I'd say that such a mature arrangement would probably leave a lot of marriages in the dust and quite possibly outlast at least a good 50% of them.

And why is it that, so often, people who've successfully lived together for years take the plunge to matrimony and soon end up divorcing? I don't know whetehr the stats would reveal that such a pattern is widespread, but I've certainly seen enough examples to make me wonder.

I'm not so sure about marriage, either, mainly because I don't particularly see the point. Unfortunately, I had to try it first, and I really don't know if I'd do it again. Maybe, if it was important to whoever I end up being with but, in this age, marriage is just one of a range of options that are at least partially accepted by society at large. That acceptance would mean nothing to me except as it might possibly relate to children and so on, or perhaps a pretty-much-ideal partner's strong aversion to living together while not being married. It'd all depend on context. I sure wouldn't be in a hurry to jump the broom, though.

One thing's for sure: it would be a lot less damaging to extricate from the kind of arrangement that you outline than it is from marriage, if all goes wrong. Really, the main difference (in my eyes, that aren't 'religious' eyes) between marriage and what you describe is that you basically have to ask the State for permission to get together and for permission to dissolve your relationship. You even have to pay. Weird. The whole idea of having the State sanction such an intimate union (and, for many, eventual dissolution) just seems so strange a concept to me now. Wish I'd recognized that a long time ago.....

[Interrobang]

34. What about people who love and/or are attracted to...

...more than one person from the get-go? Is that a fault with the relationship too? I swear, I'd be happier if I didn't love two people simultaneously, because the one is rather uncool about the whole thing, and it'd be easier to pass for normal. I mean, aside from the whole political argument, I could settle down and it would all be good...but no. The reason I don't just get over the one person is that I feel equally as strongly about them, but for different reasons.

I'm trying to explain rainbows to colour-blind people.

[DrGonzoLives]

51. What a crock of SHIT

Spare me your bullshit, please.

"So what's the point of feeling bad about something that Honey will never know about?"

How very Republican - do what you like, who cares if hurts someone else? People like you make me fucking vomit. Why would you get into a serious relationship only to fuck around every chance you get?

[Blue_Chill]

52. So you don't have a conscience then?

Feeling guilty is natural when you knowingly do something that would hurt someone you care about......if you have a conscience.

Now if you're a heartless person that only cares about satisfying your own urges........

[trof]

14. NOW you tell me.

;-)

[phgnome]

22. Cheating as an excuse

I find that many women who are unhappy anyway cheat.

When I talk to a lot of women, I find that they're using it as an excuse to get out of a relationship. Once they are out, the women seldom stay with the guy they cheated with (usually because they don't want their new significant other to know that they have cheated on someone in the past)-- they'll often meet someone they didn't know before and stop cheating if they're happy.

What reasons do men usually give for cheating?

[phgnome]

23. I just hit submit once

and it posted 10 times. Something flaky going on.

[phgnome]

24. jkl;kj

n/t

[phgnome]

25. Getting rid of text

here

[phgnome]

26. n/t

n/t

[phgnome]

27. Cheating as an excuse

I find that many women who are unhappy anyway cheat.

When I talk to a lot of women, I find that they're using it as an excuse to get out of a relationship. Once they are out, the women seldom stay with the guy they cheated with (usually because they don't want their new significant other to know that they have cheated on someone in the past)-- they'll often meet someone they didn't know before and stop cheating if they're happy.

What reasons do men usually give for cheating?

[phgnome]

28. I wonder why

this happened

[phgnome]

29. I feel stupid

n/t

[phgnome]

30. Sorry...

Sorry people -- don't know what happened there -- I only pressed submit once.

[phgnome]

31. duh

n/t

[Kat45]

36. This single woman has two questions about cheating:

1. Why the fuck do people who are lucky enough to have someone, to be in a relationship with someone they love, who loves them back, who has sex with them, and who wants to spend the rest of their lives together, cheat? Before you tell me that many of these people don't have that kind of relationship, I ask then why did they get married and/or why are they still married?

2. How do these people always find someone to cheat with, and find them so easily? As a single person, I often can't even find anyone to do anything with, and these married folks do! It's quite maddening!

Of course, when I see who a lot of men (and women) choose to get involved with, these things make a bit more sense. They pass by the nice people like me, and choose the barracudas.

[qandnotq]

39. my answers

1) They don't have that kind of relationship anymore. But, they did when they first got married. Getting a divorce is very traumatic. Some people find it much easier to have an affair than to divorce. It's basically a form of procrastination. They don't have the strength to really deal with their marital problems immediately. Having an affair lets them avoid the pain & difficulty of facing the problems for a while. Or, for those with children, it may seem like more of a permanent solution. Divorce is not an option, so you just lead a separate life while married.

2) People may be emotionally available for an affair for a long time before it happens. But they aren't actively looking.

[ForrestGump]

43. My stab at it

1. Good question - probably lots of answers. Searching for a new thrill could be one reason (familiarity having bred contempt). Sometimes it's as simple and disastrous as intoxication or otherwise impaired judgment at an inopportune moment. Or maybe a way of sublimating stress from the kids, the husband/wife, and whatever else. Regardless, it seems that it is not always (surpisingly) a sign that the marriage is fundamentally doomed, though it often gets that way once the affair's discovered by the other partner.

2. Speaking for myself, I found that women came on to me more shamelessly (sometimes in an intimidating manner, right down to saying what they were going to do to me, where they were going to apply my personal bits, and how many times they were going to do it...*gasp*....is it getting hot in here?) after I was married than they ever did before. And, oh, how I wanted to succumb. Especially this one woman...she was...well.......never mind. I just couldn't and wouldn't do it. The patent unfairness of it all was not at all lost on me - where were these oversexed women when I was single, dammit?!! I could've done something about it when I was single but, noooooooooooo, they had to wait 'til I was married. Now that I'm comning out the other side of the whole matrimonial adventure, I wonder if they're still around, or is it the sight of a wedding ring or the knowledge that I was hitched that inspired them? Maybe married people emit some kind of pheromone. Anyway, there's your answer...for me, at least, and I've heard similar testimony from other males who have experienced such horrific conflict between their integrity and their libido (whether they were married or in a long-term relationship with one woman).

Besides, if you look at the stats of how many married partners are having affairs, it's probable that a lot of them are getting it on with other married people. Perhaps married couples meet more potential cheating partners - after all, your circle of acquaintances is going to be far greater than when you're a single - solely because they're married.

[SOteric]

44. The reasons people cheat are myriad

and the decision is often not made by an individual on an consciously aware level.

Temptation always exists when you're in a relationship. There's always going to be someone charming or attractive or smart who intrigues you. We don't always have to act on those attractions. When a person has some inner emotional conflict about their commitment, they're more likely to cheat when confronted with an attraction.

We've also evolved a social culture which cultivates short spans of attention and glorifies 'immediate gratification.' Those things can lead a person toward choices that have less to do with honouring their commitments and personal integrity and more toward "if it feels good, do it" and "you only go around once in life, grab for the gusto."

As for your second question, I've long believed that people who are single and looking broadcast a kind of "available" message. People who are committed broadcast a kind of secure confidence. The emotionally underdeveloped often form intense attractions to people who are comfortably unavailable. It's much like the teeny-boppers infatuation with a rock star. She doesn't have the emotional tools for a genuine relationship yet, but she's building the feelings, the longings, and her hormones are definitely activating. So she chooses an object of her affection which some aware part of her knows is not a legitimate target for romance. An actor, or a sports star, or even the local football hero can all be potential choices.

Some women target men in committed relationships. It's a competition for them. It's a very poor manifestation of sisterhood, but it's a real phenomenon.

[TahitiNut]

58. Good questions.

(1) This one's the most complex -- many interrelated motives. Some serve to lower the 'avoidance' offsets, and some may serve to increase the 'approach' aspects. (Using the approach/avoidance model there.)
{a} Many people associate, to some degree, sexual arousal with the social/emotional impediments that stand in the way of its satisfaction. Whether it's because it's "dirty," resisted, remote, secret, or forbidden due to various taboos, desire is often increased by perceived reduction in availability -- and conversely, desire is decreased by increased availability. We seem wired to value the rare more than the common. What we have is common; what we don't have is rare. (How else to fully explain the costs we're willing to pay to own a<nother> diamond vs. viewing a<nother> sunset?) Qualiity vs. quantity? Dunno.
{b} Some folks see a greater net attraction when the sexuality of a person is more evident. The mere fact that a person's married seems to confirm that they "do it" and "do it" with the appropriate gender. Indeed, in some instances a (perverse?) "respect" for the perceived tastes or drives of the person's spouse/partner may make that person more inferentially attractive. (I remember the teen-aged boy's observation about pregnant girls: "She obviously does it.")
{c} Some folks inhibit their 'explorations' (flirting, etc.) due to reservations about "getting in too deep." While the person may appear attractive, we have some natural(?) reservations about things like "strings" and commitment. When the object of our attractions are already in another committed relationship (marriage), we feel a bit 'safer' about the possibility they might want more from us than we're willing to entertain at the point we're "thinking off".
{d} I think most married folks (guys, at least) find themselves treated in a bit less inhibited way by the opposite/preferable sex. When I was married, I perceived women treating me far more candidly and openly -- a treatment I thought might be due to a lessened anticipation of getting "hit on." I tend to think of this as the "if only I'd known" syndrome -- somewhat synergistic with the "I'll take what I can get" self-cheating tragedy of many relationships. It's like "settling" for a Buick and then discovering you could've had a Porsche -- even though the Porsche didn't really fit your lifestyle.
{e} We tend to see sexual attraction as a subset of the motive for marrying ... and seem to "settle" for something less than a 10 on the sexual attraction scale because other attributes more than make up for it. This "awareness" leaves us open to having our circuits overloaded, I guess. (In fact, I remember one young woman ... but that's another story. :evilgrin:)

(2) Looking for love in all the wrong places? :-) Prey is often more wary of the hungry predator than the sated predator. When the lion's been fed, the gazelles graze at their ease right next to them. While I don't particularly like the predator/prey model, it seems to map in this case, probably due to some degree of codependnet thinking in most of us -- the kind of thinking that views a marital partner as "completing us". I've finally realized that by far the healthiest relationships are between people who each view themselves and the other as both unique and complete "works in progress". When we limp around our world thinking ourselves somehow "incomplete" I think it scares the "prey" away. (Who's really attracted to "needy" or "high maintenance" people?) When, however, we feel (for whatever reason) "complete" I think it makes us both more attractive and less frightening to the "prey".

Well, those are my thoughts. Of course, YMMV. :silly:

[lazarus]

40. my question

who the hell has the energy? If you're working hard at keeping your relationship healthy, how do you have the energy, physical or emotional, to maintain a second one? :shrug:

[Ellen Forradalom]

55. I feel the same way

about cars and houses. One is enough.

[KCDem]

54. my husband wants me to cheat

Seriously. I think he thinks that'd give him a valid excuse to have his own torrid affair.

He's always asking me if I'd "do" this man or that.

Who knows, maybe I will some day.

[dawg]

57. I'd feel sad ....

if my wife felt that way about me. But it's probably just a fantasy, I doubt he'd really want you to go through with it.

Also, he could just be fishing for the "Gee, Honey, I'll never want ANY man other than YOU!!!", reply.

Of course, it is Txlib we're talking about here isn't it? So who knows?

[ForrestGump]

59. I'd feel sad, too....

if I were left off your list.

:-)

Hey, TXlib, dude.....I was jest joshin'.....

Dude? What's the gun for?

Dude?