Call him? Or don't call him? ~~~ Need advice.

[Dangerously Amused]

So I went to a dinner/presentation on Tuesday night with my Mom. It’s basically an event where a company buys you a really nice dinner at an upscale restaurant, but first you have to listen to an hour and a half of them trying to sell you their services. Mom wanted to go but she didn’t want to go alone, so I went with her. I dropped Mom off at the door and went looking for a parking space. By the time I joined her, Mom already had our seats… with me seated next to the (apparently) only single guy in the room. Thanks, Mom. :eyes:

After the presentation I went to the ladies room, then met Mom at the banquet table… where she had me again seated next to (across from) the single guy. Now I know Mom meant well, but I have told her time and time again over the last year and a half - like when she offers to “set me up” with one of her friend’s sons - that I am taking a break from the singles scene and I am decidedly not interested in dating anyone right now. And she knows I am serious about that. (Yeah yeah, I know I flirt here a lot. Probably too much. But that’s only because I’m not dating IRL.)

I tried to “politely” ignore the guy (body faced away from him, eyes elsewhere, did not initiate any conversation with him, etc.) but he started trying to draw me into their (his and Mom’s) conversation, so I joined in, not wanting to appear rude. However, I spoke in a cordial but business-like manner, offered no personal information, did not flirt at all, and did nothing to encourage him.

I could tell from his end of the conversation that he was going to ask me out. Sure enough, after dinner he came around to our side of the table and asked me out in front of my Mom. Well I would usually handle the situation by saying something like, “Thank you for thinking of me, I’m flattered you asked, but I have a boyfriend already. Have fun/good luck with (whatever our topic of discussion was), though.” But in this situation I could just hear my Mom bust me by saying, “Boyfriend? What boyfriend?!? Since when have you had a boyfriend??”

So I mumbled something like, “yeah, maybe that would work out,” and didn’t give him my number, but took his. So what now? Do I call him? Or not?

With respect to calling him, I have been on the other side of the phone line, waiting for a call that never came. That’s pretty cold. On the other hand, what would I say if I called him? – “Hi, I just called to tell you that I’m not interested in you.”? That seems even worse.

Plus I am afraid that if I do call him he’ll say something like, “It doesn’t have to be a date, we can just hang out as friends,” and I don’t want that either. Then again if I don’t call, since there is a pretty good chance that I’ll encounter him at some point over the summer as we both go to the same place to rollerblade, I’ll feel like a jerk when I see him.

So. Call? Or don‘t call? What to do?

[wildhorses]

1. you are as bad as me!!!

Do You want to talk to him???



How about just saying Hello and let it go from there...

[Dangerously Amused]

8. Hey you! : )

I don't really want to talk to him because - besides the dating moratorium - he's really not my type, and I'm afraid if I call he'll be like, "Well, let's just be friends then." Which might be okay in some cases, but I get the strong impression that he is a guy who will secretly be hoping for more. And I don't want to put either of us in that position.

[wildhorses]

13. okay then if that is the way you REALLY feel

then don't call him...but,DA..you know I love you and I have to wonder why you even had to ask us. There had to be some niggling doubt of indecision on your part and I think a Hello to any human on the this planet is an okay thing to do...



but don't call if you don't want to...if he is really interested NOTHING will hold him back. He will find a way to contact you...


:hug:




edited cos I suffer from perfectionism:P

[Dangerously Amused]

35. I LOVE YOU TOO-OOOOO!

:loveya:


:7

[XboxWarrior]

49. and the real question........

How was that free dinner?

[Dangerously Amused]

52. It was awesome!

It really is one of the nicer restaurants in the area, wonderful food with a beautiful view of the sun setting over the lake.

The presentation, however, was another matter. The guy was a Pub and the presentation was about financial planning (go figure), and he managed to insult women, minorities, Dems and the poor. And he still found a way to blame Clinton for the financial woes of the wealthy. :eyes: Oh puh-leeze.

I was sitting in the front row and after half an hour my arms were crossed and I was just glaring at him for the next hour. I would have walked out if it wasn't for Mom sitting there. Afterward I was hoping I would sit next to him at the banquet table to offer a little "feedback" on the presentation.


:mad:

[Fleshdancer]

2. Don't call

You don't want to date and you're not interested. You're not emotionally responsible for him and since you brought up having a boyfriend and you didn't exchange your number, he probably isn't holding his breath. However, if you do call, then you run the risk of really stringing him along which will make everyone feel worse in the end (assuming you still don't want to date him by then).

[Dangerously Amused]

10. Actually, I couldn't bring up the "boyfriend" thing bc Mom was right there

...and I didn't really have a boyfriend. I was afraid she'd call me on it.


But yeah, I'm afraid that calling him will send a mixed message... like, "She says she isn't interested, but she cared enough to call. So maybe she's just playing hard to get."


Or whatever.

[LaurenG]

3. If you told him you'd call

Call him. If you didn't give your word and you just don't want to don't.:hi:

[Dangerously Amused]

12. Howdy!

I think I'm leaning in that direction. But what should I say when I run into him over the summer? I guess instead of trying to protect his feelings, just the truth, which is that I'm taking a break from dating.

[Starbucks Anarchist]

4. Don't call.

:hi:

[Dangerously Amused]

14. Heya SA!

Not calling will feel rude, but yeah - probably not as rude as calling just to confirm that I'm not interested.


Hey - do guys struggle like this with similar situations? Or do they just say "f*ck it, I'm not calling," and leave it at that?

[Starbucks Anarchist]

16. Dupe, delete.

[Starbucks Anarchist]

17. In my experience, I've never been on your end, so I don't know.

:hi:

[Hugin]

5. Call him and say you just want to be friends.

No! Wait! I'm only kidding!

[Dangerously Amused]

15. :D

:rofl:


Thanks. :7

[Kire]

6. He'll get over it.

I always do.

[Dangerously Amused]

18. Awww. : (

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Kire]

21. Hey, I'm over it.

Can we please drop the subject?
;)

[Dangerously Amused]

37. : )

:7

[Schema Thing]

7. Call and tell him what you just told us

with fewer details of course.

[Dangerously Amused]

20. I was considering that.

My two concerns in calling are:



1. If he says,"Okay, let's just be friends then," well I get the strong impression that he is a guy who will secretly be hoping for more and I don't want to put either of us in that position - so I would have to say "I don't really want to be friends, either" - and that seems almost cruel.

and

2. I'm afraid that calling him will send a mixed message... like, "She says she isn't interested, but she cared enough to call. So maybe she's just playing hard to get."

[Schema Thing]

43. That's a danger of course, but

I don't think it's really cruel, especially when you lay out the context, to say "I'm not really interested in friendship either".

It is just kind of a courtesy thing, but then again, I'm not even sure I'm that nice myself. Just.not.calling is not really overtly rude. The cruel thing would be if you then awkwardly tried to avoid him in future sightings. That'll make a person feel like shit.

[GirlinContempt]

9. If you said you'd call, call

Just tell him you aren't interested in dating, and you're sorry you weren't clear with him about that before.

[Dangerously Amused]

25. Hey GiC!

How you doin? :)


Right. Well, I didn't actually say I would call, but kept it amorphous... took his number and said in a sort of neutral tone, "yeah, maybe we can get together sometime." But nothing definite, like asking for his number and then saying "Thanks! I'll call you!" So I wouldn't feel bad like I broke a promise to call, but I think he expects me to call and I will or might appear rude if I don't.

=sigh= I should have just said I was taking a break from dating when this first came up. But I got caught off-guard with my Mom there when I couldn't use the standard "pre-existing boyfriend" excuse, so I stumbled over my words and ended up here.

That'll learn me. :eyes:

[GirlinContempt]

106. Well, if you didn't SAY you'd call

and you don't WANT to call, I don't think you have to.
If you're worried about seeming rude, he may think it's rude, but generally speaking if you were noncommittal you're ok.


I'm doin fine, thanks :) Dating's so awkward, isn't it?

[SteppingRazor]

11. Don't call...

You don't want to date, and you don't want to be friends. And if you gave no signs and he gave you a number anyway, then he's probably not waiting by the phone for you to call -- he's probably already giving his number to someone else.

[Dangerously Amused]

26. That's a good way to look at it.

Thanks!

[no name no slogan]

19. Send a telegram

oh wait, I forgot. Western Union doesn't do telegrams anymore. :(

[Dangerously Amused]

27. Maybe a Gorillagram?

Or a singing and dancing Grim Reaper?

[no name no slogan]

31. ooooo, even better!

THAT would get the point across!

[Dangerously Amused]

34. Damn, boy... I think you're serious.

I love it!


:rofl:

[no name no slogan]

39. As serious as

SNAKES ON A M*THAF*CKIN PLANE

AND THERE'S NOT A GOT-DAMN THING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT

[CaliforniaPeggy]

22. My dear D A!

Boy, this is really a tough decision....

I'd be strongly tempted to toss a coin, and take it from there.....

Since both arguments have valid points......

I honestly don't know what to advise you.....

:hug:

But here's one thing I CAN say: GOOD LUCK!

[Dangerously Amused]

28. Well howdy Ms. CalPeg!

Thanks for the support, dearie! :hug:

[ThomCat]

23. You're a good person for not wanting to leave him hanging.

Nobody likes to be left hanging by the phone. But you have no obligation to call him.

If you were as distant as you describe then he probably doesn't really expect you to call. So no harm done. And if he is sitting there desperately waiting for your call then he has other issues that are not yours to deal with.

[Dangerously Amused]

29. Good points.

Thanks, ThomCat. You always give good advice! :hug:


:)

[ThomCat]

33. Thank you.

:hug:

[reyd reid reed]

24. Y'know, you've gotten a lot of advice here

Some pro, some con, all valid.

I'm not gonna throw my two cents in and confuse things even more...

get up, already...you'll hurt yourself, falling over like that

Just...

:hug:

Whatever you decide, it'll be the right thing for You and You're the one you've got to worry about here....

[Dangerously Amused]

32. Aw, thanks for the support RRR!

It's good to have girlfriends like you!


:hug: :hug: :hug:

[begin_within]

30. Put a note by every phone that says, "STOP! Do not call him!" Here's why..

If you're not interested in him, do not call him. If you are interested in him, do not call him. Do not call his number, ever. Men need to be the pursuer, and do not like to be pursued. Being chased or pursued turns men off. It is far better to ignore or act aloof - this will only increase his interest. Remember at the dinner how you politely ignored him and acted aloof, yet he still asked you out? There's your proof. Men have to be the one doing the chasing. That's the only way it works for men. Even if you are interested, let any messages he leaves go unanswered. If you do have contact with him, you can be polite and even very slightly, mildly interested rather than completely dismissive, but no more than that. Don't be enthusiastic or forward, because that will only push him away from you. This seems like a silly, childish game and it is, but that's the only way it works. If you are interested in him and a possible relationship with him, you must resist any temptation to call him or contact him. And if he calls or contacts you, you must act mildly disinterested even if you are not. Write a note and put it by your phone, every phone you have, saying DO NOT CALL HIM - this will help if you get the urge to call.

[Kire]

36. That's pretty good advice.

[Dangerously Amused]

38. :D

That's it! The next guy I'm not interested in gets a lap dance at the dinner table. Ha!

[Schema Thing]

44. lol, now you've got my number.

I try to feign disinterest, during those inevitable dinner lap dances.

[crispini]

47. a HA! I KNEW IT!

I knew it I knew it I knew it! I just KNEW guys were like this!

Feh.

It's nice to have confirmation though. :evilgrin:

[Dangerously Amused]

48. P.S.

You're right, though. Ever since I swore off dating for real and was seriously committed to that, not just acting but actually being uninterested... they've come crawling out of the woodwork. It's crazy. I swear to god, I decided to do this one night and the next day one guy hit on me in the grocery store, one guy hit on me in the hardware store and one guy sat right down at the booth where I was seated alone having lunch, introduced himself, started up a conversation and asked for my number. I just about choked on my navy beans. After that I went straight home and locked the doors and said "WTF is THAT all about?!?"



(Yeah, the truth is out. I'm not at all the flirt-obsessed freak IRL as I am on here. Sorry guys.)

[ThomCat]

50. While I agree with your conclusion,

I disagree with your reasons. Every woman I've ever dated pursued me and asked me out. I can't be that terribly unusual.

[Mutley]

68. Isn't that a matter of individual preference?

:shrug:

[Lilith Velkor]

95. Wow I guess heterosexuality really is dead

I'm always the last to know :cry: :beer:

[WritingIsMyReligion]

96. WTF?

:wtf:

That seems just a little fucked-up to me.

*scratches head*

[Mutley]

97. Me too.

Guess we women-folk weren't meant to understand. :eyes:


:D

[WritingIsMyReligion]

98. After all, men have to be the ones to do the pursuing...

So their testosterone is kept up to speed.....

:eyes:

Sexism, much?

[Mutley]

99. ...

:spray:

At least they're not all like that. :hug:

[WritingIsMyReligion]

100. All of them aged 14 are.

:eyes:

:hug:

[Mutley]

101. Yeah well, a couple of 'em will grow up by the time they hit 30.

:D

[NewJeffCT]

122. Was that sarcasm?

I'm 39 years old & have always preferred women pursue me. I was painfully shy in junior high & high school and if a girl at that time asked me out, it likely would have been a life changing experience for me.

My ex-wife was the one that pursued me. Heck, she tried to have sex with me on the first date and I was the one that turned her down!

[begin_within]

149. Thereby proving my point! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

"Heck, she tried to have sex with me on the first date and I was the one that turned her down!"

I rest my case...

[NewJeffCT]

152. What do you mean?

I missed your case

[Haole Girl]

40. I vote for call.....but,

try to be honest. It's not fair to either him or you to lead him on, you know! But, you know that, otherwise you wouldn't have asked. And, yes, you are right about how awful it is to be the one waiting for that call. :)

[Dangerously Amused]

41. I would definitely be honest.

But that's the problem, too. I'm sitting here trying to put myself in his place, and decide if I'd rather have a guy not call, or call but just to say that he really isn't interested after all.


=sigh=


Well, whatever I decide, at least my intentions are good.

[Haole Girl]

42. You'll never go wrong if you follow The Golden Rule...

plus, it's good for the karma!

[Whoa_Nelly]

45. If you don't want to go out with him, don't want to date

no matter how innocuous the "date" might be, then don't call him.

You're not under any obligation to cal him just because you took his phone number.

Don't beat yourself up or feel guilty about this. Do what you want with your life.

As Carlos Castaneda wrote:

A path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you.

[Dangerously Amused]

51. Thank you for your straightforward advice.

:hug:


I've needed someone with your wisdom and approach in my life for fourty-odd years now. Do you hire out as a life coach, perchance?


:loveya:

[Whoa_Nelly]

61. ROFLMAO (about me!)

Had to hit the 50-side of life to become as wise as I am now, and have learned am never as wise as I suppose myself to be.

Glad my input can be helpful to you. The Castaneda quote has been a fav of mine for years :hi: :loveya:

[jukes]

46. if you're not interested, don't call

it will only get his hopes up y prolong the affair. he'll forget soon enough & move on to # next. if he doesn't y persists (like getting your digits from mom), you've got a potential stalker.

get on w/ your biz and don't feel guilty; you didn't ask for this.

[Dangerously Amused]

53. Well, that is true.

I didn't ask for it, and in fact I tried to politely discourage it.


Thanks.


:)

[Sequoia]

54. Keep your word and call him.

Don't be a flake. You don't have to marry him and your mom and he were both trying to be nice even if you weren't interested. Just go for a skate. He has feelings too, just have fun and relax. He probably realizes you're not interested but keep your word.

[Dangerously Amused]

57. I would definitely call him

...if I said I would call him, but I never actually said I would call him. I gave a vague, non-committal response. I was kind of on the spot with Mom right there. If I had been thinking better I would have taken him aside and gave the "pre-existing boyfriend" line or politely explained that I wasn't dating ANYone at the moment. But that's a lesson learned, I guess.


Thanks, though. :)

[Sequoia]

72. I see. Call him anyway and explain that it's not him

it's just dating in general. I know when I broke up with guys I didn't want to do the scene for a while and might go out to lunch or something. Some days you just want to hang out in cut offs, t-shirt, no make up, watch the shows on tv you like, go to movies you like, eat where and when you want and so on. Once you get hitched though...! Good luck

[Jed Dilligan]

55. I'd say don't call

It would be showing interest

[Dangerously Amused]

60. Right. I was afraid of that.

[billyskank]

56. No!! Go out with me instead!!!

:rofl:

:hi: :loveya:

[Dangerously Amused]

58. Of course that is my master plan. : D

I have been saving myself all this time for you, dear billy!


:hug: :loveya: :hug:

[billyskank]

59. Oh good! Let's elope!!

:D :bounce: :hug:

[Dangerously Amused]

62. Oh, DO let's!

:bounce:


I'll get right on it, sweet!






:loveya:

[billyskank]

64. :D

:loveya:

[Sugar Smack]

63. Hey, sweet! I say DON'T call. That was pretty manipulative of him

to ask you out RIGHT in front of your mother, especially if you put out signals of not being interested. The times I've called guys out of a sense of politeness & obligation if I've only met them once- are times I lived to regret. I think the sort of man you'd feel compatible with and interested in are secure enough not to pull such a stunt. Or they read body language. Maybe I'm overly sensitive, but I L-O-A-T-H-E being put on the spot.

So maybe I've been considered a bitch by some but guess what ---> :D I don't mind.

Life's too short. :pals: :hug:

[Dangerously Amused]

73. Aha, you've got it!

Twice he said, "I'm sorry for putting you on the spot like this..." But he did put me on the spot nonetheless. So he knew he was doing it. Grr! And really what turned me off to him was this feeling of desperation he projected... way too intense eye contact for a casual conversation with a stranger (kind of creeped me out), too many big smiles, too much mentioning the fact that he was divorced in the early part of the conversation, and then mentioning three times afterward that while he enjoyed his hobbies, he was always alone when he did them and it was no fun always being alone. Yeah, you're right. I wasn't comfortable then and perpetuating that with a phone call isn't a good idea.


"So maybe I've been considered a bitch by some but guess what ---> I don't mind."

:rofl:

Girl, I like your style!


:pals: :7

[Sugar Smack]

76. Oh, thank you, Dangerously!! I like your style too : ) I think if he

sold his big smiles easily, or "handed out" eye contact like that, that to me is the mark of a salesman. He may routinely hand out his card and flash his teeth. If the lecture was republican-geared, too, you may not like his friends *wink* and I'm translating his remark as <"I REALLY, REALLY don't mind putting you on the spot." ACK, social vampire!

'Course, I learned my lesson after many years of politeness. I went from this:



to this:



in every single instance. :pals: :yourock:

[Dangerously Amused]

78. Aaaahhhhh I love it!

:rofl:


I love your illustrations! God they are the coolest!


:loveya:

[Lydia Leftcoast]

65. Delicate situation

First of all, :spank: to your Mom for trying to set you up, and :spank: him for asking you out in front of your Mom. That's the cowardly approach: "I'll ask her out in front of somebody, because she won't dare turn me down and embarrass me."

If he seemed to like you, and you're absolutely uninterested in him, then it's not fair to get his hopes up by calling him. On the other hand, if you weren't repulsed by him, he may have hidden good qualities that you will suddenly find extremely attractive. (Hey, it's happened to me.)

I think it boils down to this. Would a date with him be awkward and boring? If so, do him a favor and don't call him. If you think he would be okay to hang out with, not necessarily on a romantic level. Call him and invite him to go out for coffee, some place where you can talk without Mom breathing down your neck. (After a few highly regrettable experiences, I haven't kept my mother informed about my love life or lack thereof for years.) You may find him more attractive without the pressure of Mom saying, in efrect, "Well? Well?"

[Dangerously Amused]

77. Hmmm...

That's the cowardly approach: "I'll ask her out in front of somebody, because she won't dare turn me down and embarrass me.

I know. It would have been much classier for him to just say "It was nice meeting you" and then slip me his name and number.



On the other hand, if you weren't repulsed by him, he may have hidden good qualities that you will suddenly find extremely attractive.

Well, he doesn't pass the kissing test - which means I can't imagine myself enjoying a kiss with him. In other words, no chemistry at all after an hour with him. So there's that.



If you think he would be okay to hang out with, not necessarily on a romantic level. Call him and invite him to go out for coffee, some place where you can talk without Mom breathing down your neck.

Eh - there wasn't even "friend chemistry." But I am thinking I will probably run into him this summer at the rollerblading park. Maybe he'll seem different in a low pressure situation like that (without Mom standing by).



(After a few highly regrettable experiences, I haven't kept my mother informed about my love life or lack thereof for years.)

LOL. Oh believe me, I usually do as well.

[WCGreen]

66. Call him.....

Even if you are not interested.....

And what would it hurt to have a cup of coffee without your mom hovering around...

Maybe he's a nice guy....

[Dangerously Amused]

74. You don't think that calling him and having coffee

...would be too much like leading him on? I mean given the fact that I don't want to date anyone right now and even if I did, he's not someone who sparks my interest?

Re: Him being a nice guy. He was a nice guy. I think that's why I'm struggling with what to do. If he was an a**hole, I would have no problem deciding what to do in this situation. ;)

[WCGreen]

118. I know I would want to be called.....

Even if it was to tell me I was not the object of your affection...

And even a cup of coffee would not make it a situation where you are leading him on...

If you shut yourself off to new adventures by setting an arbitrary ban on "dating", what would are you really doing?????

How can you put a limit on human contact or the possibility of a great friendship....

Are you that afraid of being "hurt" that you wish to punish yourself by rationing the experience of being human....

If you never hurt, can you say you really have lived...

If you never feel joy, then what is left...

It can all end tomorrow, or next week, we never know....

So why deny yourself the fullness that is being....

[Dangerously Amused]

138. I do need a break, though.

Much to my surprise I have been through a series of very bad and hurtful relationships, like nothing I have ever experienced before. It might just be a run of bad luck, but I am beginning to wonder what is going on and it has led me to be much more cautious.

Bad relationships are never any one person's fault I know, and I have to acknowledge that the common denominator in all of those relationships was me. So I am taking some time out to go off and lick my wounds, and to contemplate just how I got in - and why I stayed way too long in - those relationships; to figure out how I contributed to my own problems, and what to do about it. So, no... not so much punishing myself as trying to make sense of it all and learn from my mistakes before plunging ahead into another potential heartbreak.


Re: the cup of coffee... I think some guys could handle it and not see it as leading them on (obviously you could, for one), but with this guy I have the very strong feeling that he would see it as a clear signal that I was interested, despite me saying that I was not. I am pretty sure that with him, it would only serve to complicate the situation.

[CanuckAmok]

67. Sure-fire solution:

Go out with him and have sex right away, but be really bad at it.

Problem solved.

[Dangerously Amused]

79. Yeah, but...

Guys think bad sex is better than no sex. :eyes:



;)

[billyskank]

80. I can guarantee

that is how he would see it.

BTW, check your PM. :)

[Dangerously Amused]

112. I did check, sweetiecakes. And thank you! Now check yours...

[CanuckAmok]

124. Say WHAT?!

Are you serious?

I'm a totally average guy and I would rather have no sex than bad sex. I don't think I know anyone who would prefer bad sex to no sex. Maybe some 20 year-old who hasn't yet overcome an atavistic urge to spread his species' seed, but no real adults that I can think of.

I mean, why bother?

I think you need to examine your taste in men!

[Dangerously Amused]

126. ...

"I think you need to examine your taste in men!"


Which is exactly why I decided to take a break from dating.

[CanuckAmok]

140. Well you could date me.

I almost never initiate sex. I'd rather go 4x4ing.

[Dangerously Amused]

141. Um... I'd love to but I already have a boyfriend?

;)


:pals:

[Mutley]

69. If you are interested call. If not, don't call.

Sounds like you really aren't interested, though.

[Dangerously Amused]

82. You nailed it.

Really not interested, but trying to be empathetic and polite about it. While not screwing things up royally in the process.


:banghead:

[Mutley]

89. It's tough.

Dating, or purposely not dating, sucks. :hug:

[kay1864]

70. I'm with the "Don't call" crowd

He didn't even wait until you were alone to ask you out? To me, asking a woman out on a date is a private matter.

Not to mention he didn't even pick up on your obvious body language.

Clueless. Not worth your time.

[Dangerously Amused]

83. It really did bug me that he did it

...right in front of my Mom like that. Then again, he may have thought that Mom was trying to set us up and I was going along with the plan. But yeah, even so, he should have done the asking one-on-one. And he really should have picked up on my clues, I could not have appeared less interested while still remaining polite.

I just got a bad vibe off the whole situation. Yup.

[npincus]

71. it's up to you but,

do you have any single female friends you think might like him? You can always call, as a courtesy, but tell him honestly that you aren't interested in dating anyone now, however you have a nice friend you think he might like... and provide her name and number if he is interested.

I realize that's a stretch, but I actually did something like that once, and it worked out alright. You don't really owe him anything. But, waiting for a call that never comes is depressing, and it takes some guts for a person to take the initative (which I think men do more than do women-- I'm a women). I don't think I've ever asked a guy out, I can appreciate how hard it must be for them.

[Dangerously Amused]

84. You know, I was thinking that exact same thing,

...that I wish I had a girlfriend I could set him up with. But darn it, I've racked my brain and can't come up with anyone. I'll keep thinking on it though.


And I do realize that it can be difficult for guys to take the risk of asking someone out, too. Rejection hurts for anyone. I think that's why I'm so concerned about not making it a bad experience for him.


Thanks for the thoughts!

[Maine-ah]

75. I'd call and explain the situation.

1. you're not dating
2. you're Mom was right there, that's why you agreed.


At least that way, you're not leaving the poor guy hanging. BTW, is it possible your Mom actually got him to ask you out (while you weren't at the table) and he really didn't want to be rude to her?

[Dangerously Amused]

86. Hmm, I didn't consider that angle.

I guess it's possible that Mom and he conspired... though honestly I don't think it likely. He seemed pretty assertive in his own right.

Thanks for your thoughts! :)

[Maine-ah]

93. not that they "conspired"

but that she (your mom) did. He just asked you out to be polite to your mom....


please don't take that the wrong way, I'm sure you are a great person and worth asking out.

[Dangerously Amused]

113. Maybe "conspired" was not a good word choice of mine.

I think I know what you mean though, like maybe Mom hinted around with him like, "You seem like a nice guy. I'll have to introduce you to my daughter when she gets here." Or something like that. Yeah, that I could maybe see.

Oh, and not to worry. Your comments were not taken the wrong way at all!


:hug:

[kiraboo]

81. Don't call him.

He'll just find some way to break your goddamned heart. They always do.

[Dangerously Amused]

87. Oh dear. I don't know whether to giggle or give you a hug, hon.

I guess I'll do both and let you choose:


:rofl:

and/or





:pals:

[kiraboo]

92. I'll take 'em both, Dangerously.

Thanks. :)

[dpbrown]

85. I hate him!

:D


Wait, you're not going out with him. I guess I'm getting to like this guy.


P.S. There's no reason to call him if you haven't made definite plans.

[Dangerously Amused]

114. Hey guys, it's Downtown dpbrown!

Since Dad is gone now I think I will put you in charge of all my potential-date guy screening. I expect the results will be much the same. :eyes:


Hey, good to see you again! :hug:

[dpbrown]

119. No guy can ever amuse you, um, dangerously enough for me!

:D

:hug:


Hey Everybody! It's Enthused Dangerously Amused!


Good to see you, too. I posted on your "unusual things" thread but I think I was outside the 48 hour window.


Speaking of not calling guys, how did things ever turn out with your peeper?

[Dangerously Amused]

127. I beg to differ.

You, in fact, have amused me to rather dangerous extremes. :7













Re: The Peeper. I'm moving, so soon it will no longer be an issue. I was thinking about moving for other reasons anyway. Thanks for your concern! :hug:

[Oeditpus Rex]

88. If you *do* call him

and he has caller ID (And who doesn't these days?), you could be looking at a whole different problem.

Fugeddaboudit.

(Said in a delightfully fumbling Hugh Grantish voice.)




Who's Julie Azzopardi? And what was she right about?

[Dangerously Amused]

116. Oooh, you're right!

Those soft-spoken but assertive types always turn out to be Ted Bundies! :scared:

















Julie Azzopardi says "break a leg!"

[dpbrown]

120. Making a note....

...to always be loud-spoken and assertive.


Hey! I already am!


:headbang:

[pitohui]

90. just don't call him

what is the point, if he couldn't figure out that you weren't interested when you didn't give out your number, let him figure out when you don't call

what the hell is to be gained by calling him to blow him off except to make him feel even worse?

rejection doesn't need to be endlessly discussed and rehashed w. the man you are rejecting!

[Dangerously Amused]

137. Right.

I am leaning in that direction. I think I would feel worse if a guy called me up just to tell me he wasn't at all interested in me.

[kwassa]

91. I think the adult thing to do is to call him

and explain exactly what you said here.

Nothing personal, but you are not and do not want to date anyone right now.

It is the difference between refusal and rejection. You are not rejecting him, you are refusing to date right now for your own reasons. Those reasons don't have to be explained to him, as they are not his concern.

It would also put more honesty into the dating universe.

[Whoa_Nelly]

103. Please define "the adult thing"

I find that phrase a bit ambiguous.

Am curious as to how that would be defined. :hi:

[JackDragna]

94. Tell him to go to hell.

If you're not interested, you're not interested. Don't compromise your principles to please anyone.

[Dangerously Amused]

135. Hmm. "Go to hell" might be a bit of overkill.

But I do appreciate your comment about not compromising my principles.

Thank you!

[Cos]

102. forget the "boyfriend" excuse

Why do you need to tell someone you have a boyfriend when you don't want to go out with them?
Was there really no other way to turn him down without being caught in a lie by mom?

I know if anyone ever turned me down with that boyfriend line and I later found out they didn't have a boyfriend, I'd have quite a negative impression of her.

[Dangerously Amused]

125. My thoughts.

Why do you need to tell someone you have a boyfriend when you don't want to go out with them?

You're right, I don't. I don't need to tell them I have a boyfriend. But I do need to say something. I don't like that the boyfriend line is sort of a lie. (Unless I'm alluding to one of my platonic male ("boy") friends, which is a semantic technicality and admittedly still misleading.) But since earliest dating days I have put some thought into finding the best way to say "no" as quickly as painlessly as possible, should the need arise. I mean I do respect that a guy takes the risk of rejection every time he asks a girl out (and vice versa), and I am genuinely trying to find a way to let him walk away with his pride intact and feeling no worse for the effort. I thought the "boyfriend" line worked well because it is in no way insulting to the guy since it is not an actual rejection of him, but simply a neutral consequence of current circumstances. And there is no need to explain anything further; I picture him walking back to his buddies and saying either "Bitch blew me off" and his buddies reacting to that, or saying "She already has a boyfriend" and his buddies saying, "Sucks, dude. Let's have another beer."

I've also given it the Golden Rule test. If I asked a guy out and he wanted or needed to say no, do I really want him to be completely honest and say it's because he finds me unattractive or uninteresting or whatever? Or look at me and say, "Um, no" with no explanation at all and let me sit there and wonder why? Or would it be better if he had previously considered the feelings of the person asking him out, and told me a white lie that in no way makes a value judgment on me and allows me to walk away with my self-esteem undamaged?

In all honesty I would rather hear the white lie.


Was there really no other way to turn him down without being caught in a lie by mom?

You are again correct, there probably were things other than the boyfriend line that I could have said. But unfortunately the situation with Mom right there caught me off guard and I wasn't able to think of something better quickly enough. That is exactly the reason why I am here seeking advice.


I know if anyone ever turned me down with that boyfriend line and I later found out they didn't have a boyfriend, I'd have quite a negative impression of her.

I might feel that way too if I knew he lied to me because he just didn't give a shit about how I would feel if I found out about the lie. But would you feel differently if you knew she did it out of genuine concern for your feelings?

[mac56]

104. Call him.

If you're not interested in dating him, or dating anyone, tell him. But don't blow him off.

True, it may hurt his feelings. But not calling him at all will hurt his feelings worse. And more so if there's the possibility of running into him in the community.

Do it, get it over with, and move on.

[Dangerously Amused]

134. Aaaahhhhh!

Call him? Don't call? Call him? Don't call?


:banghead:



Sorry. That wasn't directed at you personally. It was just building up and I had to get it out. :7


I really do appreciate your insight and of course will take it into consideration.

Thank you!

[Canadian Socialist]

105. Call him.

It's the polite thing to do. Regardless of all the other bullshit, just be truthful. Tell him you said you would call, and you are. HOWEVER, just because at the first meeting, you weren't interested, doesn't mean the second will be the same. The guy had the balls to ask you out in front of your mother. Obviously, I know nothing about the chemistry happening. But, you never know. Some guys I have met don't make great first impressions. But after you get to know them, they can be great. As friends, or as lovers. I look at it this way, what have you got to lose? Maybe, during the phone conversation, you will realise he's a real dork, or maybe, just maybe, he could become someone interesting in your life. YMMV.

[Dangerously Amused]

136. Hmm. Well I didn't actually *say* I would call.

So therein lies the problem. I do know what you mean about first impressions not always being the best, though... more to think about, I guess.


Thanks for your thoughts.

[latebloomer]

107. Most importantly

Did he seem turned off by the Repug slant of the speaker? If so, he may have potential.

But other than that, I would let it slide.

[Dangerously Amused]

117. I thought about that, too.

But he showed little reaction at all. Couldn't read it one way or the other. Now if he would have crossed his arms and glared at the presenter along with me...


:7

[flvegan]

108. "I am afraid..." and "I'll feel like a jerk..."

So you took his number. Groovy. Let me back up my quotes in the subject line:

"Plus I am afraid that if I do call him he’ll say something like, “It doesn’t have to be a date, we can just hang out as friends,” and I don’t want that either. Then again if I don’t call, since there is a pretty good chance that I’ll encounter him at some point over the summer as we both go to the same place to rollerblade, I’ll feel like a jerk when I see him."

Let's forget him for just a moment here. You stated that you aren't interested in dating right now. If that's the case, then case closed (wink). Let's think of you right now, and not some supposed unseen "obligation" to call someone because you got that person's number.

Now, that said, if you think that maybe you DO want to talk to him, then call him and tell him where you are right now as far as a relationship goes. The very idea that you're second guessing yourself seems that maybe, just maybe, there's an attraction of some kind, and maybe you'd like to keep that pilot light lit.

Here's the deal, love, and don't you dare tell the Testosterone Club that I told you this...

Ready? Good.

This is your world, and you make the rules. We're just breathing your air. You set the definitions. You do what YOU want, what you think is best for you. Men (seriously, don't tell)...we'll just fall in line. This is your show. Direct it.

Bask in it baby, cuz it's all about you. As is proper.

[Sugar Smack]

109. WELL, then!

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

[flvegan]

110. You're going to tell

aren't you.

Please don't. It's hard enough being a guy and a vegan as it is.

They, um, don't like me very much.

[Mutley]

121. ...

:yourock: :D

[Dangerously Amused]

128. You rock!

"The very idea that you're second guessing yourself seems that maybe, just maybe, there's an attraction of some kind, and maybe you'd like to keep that pilot light lit."


Actually no, there is not even minimal interest there. I'm second guessing myself only in the "do the right thing" department.



"This is your world, and you make the rules."

Really? I get to make the rules?!? Ooooh my dear, you've just opened yourself up to some mighty interesting rules of mine...


:7


:hug:

[Monk06]

111. Would someone, anyone call him? Please I'm begging you. BTW

Here's the theme song for this thread.

I Will Follow Him


I will follow Him,
Follow Him wherever He may go,
And near Him, I always will be
For nothing can keep me away,
He is my destiny.

I will follow Him,
Ever since He touched my heart I knew,
There isn't an ocean too deep,
A mountain so high it can keep,
Keep me away, away from His love.

I love Him, I love Him, I love Him,
And where He goes,
I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow.

I will follow Him,
Follow Him wherever He may go,
There isn't an ocean too deep,
A mountain so high it can keep,
Keep me away, away from His love...

I love Him
(Oh yes I love Him)
I'll follow
(I'm gonna follow)
True love
(He'll always be my true, true love)
Forever
(Now until forever)
I love Him, I love Him, I love Him,
And where He goes,
I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow,
He'll always be my true love,
My true love, my true love,
From now until forever,
Forever, forever...

There isn't an ocean too deep,
A mountain so high it can keep,
Keep me away, away from His love

[amitten]

115. Are you crazy? You barely made it out of that one. DON"T call!

You'll just drag out the inevitable.

[Dangerously Amused]

129. Yes, yes I am. Certifiably so. Crazier than crazy, even.

:crazy:


You're right though, the bottom line is that I just don't want to get involved with him or anyone right now, and calling him would be... well... getting more involved than not calling him would be. And maybe complicating things by sending him a mixed message.

Thanks for your insight!


:7

[NewJeffCT]

123. As a man, I say DO NOT CALL

While you may not think you flirted with him, sometimes a man will interpret things differently. Heck, just the fact that you made polite conversation with him may be a sign (to him) that you are interested. And, the fact that you did take his phone number despite saying you have a boyfriend might come across as you find him very attractive (i.e., a man might think that either you don't like your boyfriend that much or that he is so attractive to you that you still take his phone number despite having a boyfriend)

Guys sometimes have a different mindset. He could have thought your turning your back on him earlier was you playing hard to get... ("Hmm, her mom said she was single and now she is turning away from me... she's making an effort to look away, so she must have some interest.")

[Dangerously Amused]

130. Sorry for the confusion.

I didn't tell him I had a boyfriend, I couldn't use that reason because my Mom was right there and she knows I don't have a boyfriend. But I did take his number (because I wouldn't give out mine).

But I do appreciate your insight regarding a guy's perspective and the fact that guys may interpret a situation very differently than women do. I think that is exactly what happened in this case.

Thanks!

:hi:

[NewJeffCT]

153. No problem

If a guy is attracted to a woman, he'll make up just about any excuse to think she is interested in him, or may be interested... "Sure, she's giving that guy that looks like Brad Pitt a lap dance, but a little while ago, I was close enough to her to smell her perfume, so I think I have a shot..."

[jpgray]

131. Don't call him. So he'll kill himself

He'll probably use the three-pronged adapter for his phone charger to puncture his throat, and then spell out "WHY?!" in blood across his chest.

[Dangerously Amused]

132. Yeah, that's pretty much what I was thinking.

In that case am I obligated to send flowers to the funeral?

[jpgray]

133. Yes and check your PM

I looked everywhere else for my wallet.

[Dangerously Amused]

139. Your wallet is under the bed.

It fell off the nightstand and then the cat started smacking it around.


Nothing in my PM...


:shrug:

[Redstone]

142. My advice? Don't call. He'll stop wondering why after a while.

Damn, am I glad I'm not single anymore. It's too complicated.

Redstone

[Dangerously Amused]

144. Hey Redstone.

Thank you. I'm always honored when you stop by, and always value your opinion.



Yep, it gets complicated. Perhaps I should start wearing the fake wedding ring from my bartending days again...

[Redstone]

146. Well, if you want guys to leave you alone, it might not be

a bad idea to trot out the ring.

But what if it puts off the potential Mr Right? You'd never know.

Redstone

[Dangerously Amused]

147. Mr. Right...

From my post #138, above:

"Much to my surprise I have been through a series of very bad and hurtful relationships, like nothing I have ever experienced before. It might just be a run of bad luck, but I am beginning to wonder what is going on and it has led me to be much more cautious.

Bad relationships are never any one person's fault I know, and I have to acknowledge that the common denominator in all of those relationships was me. So I am taking some time out to go off and lick my wounds, and to contemplate just how I got in - and why I stayed way too long in - those relationships; to figure out how I contributed to my own problems, and what to do about it. So, no... not so much punishing myself as trying to make sense of it all and learn from my mistakes before plunging ahead into another potential heartbreak. ..."


So I think the problem is mostly that I have been making bad decisions in whom to date. I used to think I was a pretty good judge of character, but I have severely lost confidence in that area now; I'm thinking that I really need to meet a guy and get to know him first, well before our time together is charged with any romantic overture. The ring would probably facilitate that plan.

I understand your point, though. If I go with the ring again, I will have to do so knowing the risk I take and just hoping that if it was meant to be, then it will happen despite the ring.

=sigh=

[Redstone]

151. DA: Listen to me: Don't think too much. Excessive introspection only

leads to mistrust of the world, and loneliness. Trust me, you have to allow your heart to lead you, with no second-guessing, at least sometimes.

Besides, with those shoulders, how could you possible NOT end up attracting Mr Right?

Redstone

[SoCalDem]

143. If you are not sure about it..DON'T

:)

[Dangerously Amused]

145. Aye, there's the rub.

I am sure that I don't want to contact him, but I'm not sure that's the polite thing to do. So if I don't call him, it feels like I'll choose to be insensitive at least, or even rude. And I don't like to be either of those if I can help it.


=sigh= It's all about guilt, isn't it? :eyes:


Oh well. If I don't call him, I'd like to think that he'd forgive me if he know all the angst I went through in coming to that decision. O8)


Thanks for stopping by! :pals:

[jadedconformist]

148. Don't call him...

because you would be sending mixed signals. It's counterproductive if you try to be polite because he's not going to read too much into what you say if you call, he's just going to dwell on the fact that you called him. He seems like a persistent person from what I could tell, so..unless you want to be fake the whole time, don't do it.

Also, can I have your #?

LOL

[Dangerously Amused]

150. I would give you my number but... uh... I already have a boyfriend.

That's what I'm thinking... that actions speak louder than words, and he would be more influenced by the fact that I called him than by anything I might say.


Thanks for your thoughts. And welcome to DU!

[jadedconformist]

154. Thanks for your graceful reply

The fact that you replied means something though. I read ya. :*

haha. j/k and good luck.

[npincus]

155. Dangerously Amused.... don't forget to post the follow-up!

After all this advice, let us know how it all played out.

good luck!