Just because we’re divorced, that doesn’t mean we’re not a family.

[Viva_La_Revolution]

I’m confused. Or maybe I’m not. But I do have a story to tell.

Chad* and I have been divorced for 10 years now… we split up 12 years ago, when our youngest was 2.

Long story short… after many years of living apart, sharing the boys as equally as possible, we are now sharing an apartment.

The first few years were rough. He hated that I had a boyfriend. He dreamed of hitting him with a shot from his patio (across town from my appt.; not physically possible, but….whatever) I hated his second wife (whom I never met) because she cheated on him. We’ve both been through a few bad relationships since the divorce. We both grew up in “broken homes” and decided long ago (I was 17, he was 19, that our kids would come first, ALWAYS.)

Over the years, we have always put the boys first. Their well-being has always trumped ours, no matter who we were in a relationship with. I made him get rid of one girl who was mean to the kids (only when he wasn’t around) and he spoke up loudly when a man I was with was not good for me.

Over the years, we have become friends again. Three years ago, I broke up with a man who was on the verge of abusing me… I stayed with Chad, his wife of 2 years and the boys in their house for 3 months, until I could find my own place.

( insert about 2 years here).
9 months ago he called me. He was going to get a divorce, and wondered if I would be willing to move in and help pay the mortgage, so the boys wouldn’t have to move. Frankly, I jumped at the chance. After 4 years of having them only on the weekends (I worked in the city, and they lived with Dad and went to school in the burbs), with our oldest signing up for the Nat. Guard (with orders to go to Afghanistan in April … the orders have since been canceled :bounce: ), I couldn’t spend enough time with them. so I moved into the house. His soon to-be-ex and her daughter stayed in the master bdrm, The boys, Chad and I had the run of the rest of the house. They each hired divorce lawyers, and worked out the details between themselves. (I refused to get involved when she tried). In the end, she paid him for his interest in the house, and we all moved out 2 months ago.

We rented a great 3 bedroom apartment. We co-exist quite well. He works, I get unemployment and do the cooking, and the boys do the major housework for spending money. There’s no way we could each afford to rent a place here on our own. He pops into my room every day or so to fill me in on the details of his job, the bills, his online game life :eyes:. We discuss everything that has to do with the boys rationally, and with their best interests in mind. We keep our personal lives personal, except that we each know who the other is dating or when we are going out.

So… my question is …Why do people look at us like we are aliens when we tell them our situation? They get this disturbed/jealous/incredulous look on their faces. (It’s quite comical actually). How can this be so unusual when it’s the right thing for the boys?




*names have been changed to protect the innocent

[rwenos]

1. You're Doing It The Only Way

it ever works . . . I've done family law for about 15 years, and the only parenting plans that ever seem to work are when the parents put the kids first. Sounds like you've made it work.

Those of us raised in the 50's used to scorn our parents, who sometimes said, "We stayed together for the kids."

Doesn't seem so stupid now, raising our own kids.

Congratulations.

[Viva_La_Revolution]

6. The 70's were my formative years...raised around hippies and malcontents...

(Chad too) maybe that was what formed our opinions? :shrug:


I try to laugh at the reactions.... but it's so very sad. Why doesn't everyone put the children first??

[shireen]

2. ignore the critics!

you and your ex are doing what's best for your situation. This doesn't concern anyone else -- it's between you, the kids, and their father.

And if you really want to shut them up, tell 'em that Sarah Ferguson still lives in her ex-husband's house ... that would be Prince Andrew, 4th in line to the British throne. :P

[Oversea Visitor]

3. Nothing strange

If it is the right thing to do........it is the right thing to do.

Why bother about what others think.
After all it is your life.
No like they going to live it for you. :)

[MessiahRp]

4. Well it's a different approach

but most breakups seem to end up in terminal hatred. In your case you've moved beyond that to plutonic friendship. Who cares what anyone else thinks? If this works for you and your children, then you've nothing to worry about... unless you're dating and the possible love interest finds it too weird. :)

Rp

[Viva_La_Revolution]

7. "possible love interest finds it too weird."

That's an understatement! But I have found that it's a great "test" of their character. :)

[bling bling]

5. It probably is unusual.

I don't think that most people would be able to live with their ex. That's probably the reason why they look at you strange. *They* probably wouldn't be able to do it.

I'm trying to imagine whether I would be able to do that or not. I almost want to say that I would, if it meant (like you) that I would be able to see my child every day rather than just on week-ends. Even thinking about having to live without her for a few days each week breaks my heart.

Anyway, if you all are happy and secure in your situation that's all that matters.

[nicknameless]

8. Interesting story.

I'm with those who say that others may find it weird because they wouldn't be able to do it themselves. Too much bitterness, etc.

I wonder if the potential love interests feel like they have to pass muster with your ex.
Similar to the way they would have felt about needing to appeal to their dates' parents years before.

They've probably figured out that you two look out for each other.

:)

[faithnotgreed]

9. no wonder they look at you like that

youre both acting like adults and putting your children ahead of yourselves (and trying to look out a bit for one another at the same time)

that IS weird
best wishes to all of you and thank you for caring in a way that many cannot seem to fathom

[Random_Australian]

10. Your doing good. Perhaps people assume that you are still married?

[pecwae]

11. I don't feel so alien now

thanks to you!

I'm living with my husband now in a roomie type situation. We haven't lived together in 5 years and had divorced in May 2002 only to get remarried in November 2002 for tax purposes. He moved to my area last month and it makes sense monetarily for us to live together. People who know our situation just can't get it, but it has worked for us and I'm glad to hear it's working for you.

[EFerrari]

12. Doesn't sound like you're confused at all.

I know all kinds of people who have similar arrangements and everybody wins. :)

[Mythsaje]

13. My ex and I

after a period of five years or so when we were incapable of talking, have become friends again. It's kinda cool, and it's great to be a part of my kids' lives again. She doesn't like my wife, and my wife doesn't like her, but they're civil to one another when they meet up. That's good enough for me. They're a bit too much alike to ever be friends...neither tends to be very tolerant of the flaws of other people.

My ex and I started out friends, and our minds still work in much the same way, so it makes for some interesting conversations. We agree more than we disagree, and we understand each other on a level few people achieve even after twenty years of marriage.

But live with her? No thanks. She has WAY too many cats. Don't ask how many. I don't want to talk about it.

[recoveringrepublican]

14. to be honest, as a second wife this sounds wonderful

I truly wish my husband and his ex could get along as good as you two.

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

15. I co-habitat with my ex too. :)

We just never moved out of our home and we are friends.

I don't wish to go in to details now but this has been an excellent decision for both of our children and for financial reasons.

As to others' reactions about this? I have had no problems at all.

And yes, we are family.

[Thirtieschild]

16. A new take on families

Families - what constitutes a family - is in flux, at least compared to how it was back in the dark ages when I was young. We just got back from our granddaughter's high school graduation and I was struck by her family dynamics. (Parents divorced when she was four, but have maintained split custody and, therefore, close contact.) The seating at graduation tells it all. We took up one row: Mom's ex-boyfriend (who was there for much of her middle growing-up years), his new (pregnant) wife, Mom, Mom's boyfriend (and, with both daughters' permissiion, live-in), little sister, Granny (me), Grandpa, Daddy, Daddy's girlfriend (who will probably be his wife when both girls are in college), Step-Grandmother, Grandfather.

[Spangle]

17. Have Children.... ALWAYS family!

And I think that is the major problem. WE as in (society) are not raised to think that way. We are told divorce ends the relationship. WEll it doesn and it doesnt. Not when there are kids involved. IF there were no kids, each COULD permently go their different ways and not see each other. As it is, they end up seeing each other every now and then. Like extended familys do. We might not all like crazy Aunt JAne, but she is still family and we are 'famioy polite' to her.

My brother divorced over 20 years ago. I told him that his wife will ALWAYS be my sister-in-law. She is mother to his kids, etc. While I would LOVE to have another sister-in-law.. she would just be ANOTHER, not a replacement. I considered 'their relationship' their business and their break-up their business. It had nothing to do with me or the children. We just had to live by the new rules/concept.

Family memembers help each other out. I don't see anything wrong with living together again. What alot of people can't get pasted is the sex issue, the dating issue, etc. But as in all things, one figures it out if one has to.

[kiraboo]

18. I have to ask myself the same question.

I'm in the middle of an amicable split from my husband. We've been exploring all the options so as to minimize the impact on our children. The key is to put one's feelings aside and focus on their wellbeing, and if that means living with the ex, or having the ex sleep in the same house, or having dinner with the ex, then so it must be. The children can only benefit from the situation.

There's more than one way to skin a cat, as they say. Some people just have trouble understanding this.

[fasttense]

19. The reason you get strange looks is because

a lot of people are asking themselves why did they get divorced in the first place. I know that's what I'm thinking. You live together, you share chores, you share expenses, you seem to like each other. The only thing your current situation lacks to make it a full blown marriage is a monogamous sexual relationship between yourself and your ex (and of course a marriage license). I'm glad to hear you two were adult enough to keep the children out of your divorce squabbles but why did you get divorced in the first place? If you can tolerate and obviously enjoy each other's company, why the break up?

[Viva_La_Revolution]

30. We were very young when we got married

It was rocky, we split up a few times, and 8 years in realized it just wasn't there. He had a harder time with it than I did, it took 7 years before we became friends again.

[tjwmason]

20. Congratulations.

I've seen what it can be like when divorced people continue to fight, and drag their children into it - put simply not good.

It sounds like you're both wonderful parents, and good people. You're managing to put your children before your own differences, and you're managing to treat each other with respect.

[Demeter]

21. This Wouldn't Work In A Lot of Cases

It wouldn't work in any case where any kind of abuse was operating: physical, mental, emotional, or economic, or in any case of abandonment: physical, mental, emotional or economic. It is doubtful that such an arrangement would work if one or both adults were addicts.

It would be workable in cases of revealed homosexuality or promiscuity or other sexual mismatches, if sufficient tolerance for the other existed.

Outside of that, I can't think of any other reason for divorce. Have I covered it all?

And that is why joint custody is such a bad idea as a universal arrangement.

JOint custody simply isn't workable in the majority of cases (paragraph 1). It could work in cases described in paragraph 2 if both adults in fact acted as adults.

[Fleshdancer]

22. I think this is a wonderful solution

Kudos to the both of you for having the emotional maturity to do this successfully. This allows the both of you to be close to your kids AND you've managed to find a solution that works financially. Plus, whether we like it or not, raising kids alone is tough as hell and having a friend there to help is priceless.

Your tribe might not be the norm, but it sounds like it's working a lot better than other tribes out there. ;)

[Orsino]

23. Gov. Ventura was right.

Love is bigger than government.

Congratulations on finding, or inventing, your own brand of happiness.

[Ellen Forradalom]

24. Everyone's personal life is complex. EVERYONE'S.

As long as people are living in peace and in an arrangement to their liking, it is no one else's business.

My parents were married, then divorced, then they bought a house together in a small town to retire to and moved back in together. They referred to one another as husband and wife, but never remarried. By my early 20s I decided, it's their lives and it is no business of mine what they do if they are happy with it.

[eyesroll]

25. If it works for you, great.

My ex and I get along wonderfully, and are very good friends. We just couldn't make it work as a couple. Now, we don't have kids together, so there is no reason for us to live near or with one another, but we still hang out on occasion.

My SO and his ex get along great when they *don't* live together, so that would in no way work for them (as I imagine it's healthier for their daughter to split her time between parents than for her to be exposed to ugly fights on a regular basis), but they often have dinner or coffee during switches. We all went to his ex's house for Christmas. She invited me specifically -- my SO didn't beg an invite out of her or anything -- and we all had a good time.

What makes all of this interesting is that my SO's daughter and my ex's stepdaughter are good friends now. Proof the universe has a sense of humor.

[Iniquitous Bunny]

29. That's how my fiance's ex wife is too.

They have a son and she has primary custody, but is open whenever he can see his son. Both of their families had a very hard time with their divorce, but it was something they both wanted and needed. A few months back, she had a party for their son's birthday and invited all their families, plus myself and my children. Once people had everyone in one place and realized that though she and I weren't close friends, we got along well and put our children first, they began to let go of some of their animosity.

[Jim__]

26. My best guess as to why people look incredulous ...

... is that they don't think it will work out. Your full explanation of your situation is fairly long. In a conversation, most people may not get the full gist of what you're saying, and relate your situation to others that they are more familiar with - break-up, get back together, break-up again, etc.

If you can make this work, that's great for you, and even better for the kids.

[LaurenG]

27. I think it sounds wonderful

My husbands dad and step-mom have their ex's over every birthday/holiday/family event. They don't fight, they're all friends. I thought it was refreshing and I'm glad to hear there are more of you guys out there. I feel hope when respect not hate is used in dealing with exes and relationships.:yourock:

[Iniquitous Bunny]

28. If it works, who cares what the world thinks?

When my ex and I were splitting a couple years back, we talked about converting our home into a two family. I was completely up for it, but he had residual feelings for me and couldn't handle what would happen when I would start dating. (For me, it would have been a disaster since my ex is a slob and poor at handling his personal finances. Plus, now, I've been in a serious relationship again for a year and we now live together and are engaged.)

We too, work together and live fairly close sharing custody, but I give you :thumbsup: for being awesome parents to your kids.

[ThomCat]

31. If your family arrangements work, then good for all of you.

I'm glad you both show far more common sense than most people. :)

[tigereye]

32. can you come and give speeches to other parents

about how divorced people should act? ( in regard to putting kid's first, I mean.)

I wish more parents were as sane as you guys. :thumbsup:

[Schema Thing]

33. We don't live together, but our friendship confuses the hell outa people

And yeah, I kinda look at her as family, y'know?