How should I respond to this?

[alarimer]

I have been emailing with someone for a week or so (you know, from one of those online dating things). He seemed nice enough but it's hard to tell. Now I don't usually respond to email right away; it takes me a couple days sometimes to get to it, what with work and other things. I have had some family issues too recently with my grandmother in the hospital (not that I can visit here as I am in Texas and she is in Minnesota). Anyway a few things going on. I get this message (he wrote three days ago but I have yet to respond because of the previously mentioned issues): "You have either been REAL busy last week or you have decided to not have anything to do with me. Well...which is it?"

My first impulse is to say "I don't really need this kind of pressure- Have a nice life" or words to that effect. I suspect, however, that part of my non-response is that I am not that interested and too nice to say so in so many words. A lot of times it is easier just to let these things drop and maybe that is what I should do.

I have had a rough couple of weeks and seem to have hit some kind of blue spell, too much stress, too much work, family issues. You know, one of those times when everything seems wrong somehow and nothing ever goes right.

[Guava Jelly]

1. try this

I am going through a difficult time right now with my grandmother in the hospital
I can always use friends
But right now a relationship is the last thing i need or desire.

[alarimer]

2. That's good

I am afraid I was going to be too rude.

[caty]

3. Good advice...

it's best to be honest. If he does not understand or accept this, then he's not worth keeping in contact with.

[Jazz2006]

4. Or this

I'm sorry for the delay in responding to your email. I have been very busy for a variety of reasons, and I'm having a difficult time right now with my grandmother being in the hospital. That said, I don't want to leave you hanging or waste your time, so I think it's best to tell you that while it has been a pleasure talking to you, and while I can always use friends, I really am not interested in any other kind of relationship with you. I wish you all the best of luck in your search and hope you find exactly what you're looking for.

[alarimer]

5. excellent

I am glad I didn't respond as I first wanted to.

Thanks

[Jazz2006]

6. You're welcome.

Oh, and I'm sending positive energy and warm wishes for your grandmother's speedy recovery.

All the best to you!

:hug: :hi: :pals:

[alarimer]

17. thanks

she went in with a stroke but apparently suffered no ill effects from that. Now has an infection of some kind.

[Whoa_Nelly]

7. Any person who emails you with a demand like that is a jerk

Not worth your time. Ignore and delete all future emails from that person. You are under no obligation to respond to that.

The demand is a clue, red flag...whatever you want to call it...that this person has the potential to bully.

Move on...let it go...there are others out there :)

[Evergreen Emerald]

9. I am with you Whoa-Nelly

That e-mail is a red-flag--run the other way!

I am sorry about your grandmother.

[alarimer]

18. I sort of felt that too

Just an inkling really.

[crispini]

8. I like the other responses in the thread.

One general piece of advice with the online thing is that I always take it to a quick coffee date as soon as possible. I have gotten into a long chain of emails and found them very interesting and taken it real and not liked the person AT ALL in real life. Conversely, I have exchanged emails and not been all that interested in the person and met them in real life and POW! Chemistry.

Meeting in person is everything IMO.....

[Whoa_Nelly]

11. Have done the online dating thing, too

and learned that there are definite clues in the emails, IMs, etc., that has proved to be worth paying attention to and not bothering to meet in person.

I try to be fair, but have learned to NOT meet people for a quick in person assessment just to "be fair". What people write, how they write, is very revealing.

[crispini]

12. Hm. Yeah, you're right.

I guess my approach is that there are certain things that are going to rule some people out right away-- but for those who aren't ruled out, I'd prefer to go to a quick coffee date ASAP rather than spending hours and hours and hours on email.

Just curious, what are some of your "clues" you find in email?

[Whoa_Nelly]

14. Like the OP's email with a demand

Or sexual innuendos, both overt and covert.

Or, when someone tells their tale of woe about any past relationship(s) right away...that is a pretty good indicator that they're 1) not over that relationship or 2) good at blaming others for their failures.

And when a guy states he's not into someone who has baggage, then that's a definite red flag to me. Everyone has baggage...it's all about how you pack it and travel on.

Seems there are a lot of guys doing the iNternet dating thing who are looking for that "perfect woman". Just not real to me.

Anyway...gave up on the Internet dating thing a few years back. IMO, it's a good way to meet weirdos and liars, and not much more...defintely not the path in life to meet the right person for me.

[crispini]

15. Yes, yes, those are all good.

Either as email indicators or if they happen in real life!

So have you found a new way to meet people? I'm just curious. I know that people always say "just get out there and do stuff" but it seems like a lot of the things I like to get out and do don't really lead to meeting heterosexual men. At least with online dating you can meet a lot of them, very quickly! :rofl:

[Whoa_Nelly]

22. Have met guys through online who SAID they were heterosexual

but were lying.

I have no magic places to go or things to go do where I meet new guys. Time is what will take care of things in regard to whether I meet another someone special again or not. Have gotten past the point in my life where I feel I "need" someone, to be partnered. While it's nice to have someone to share and cuddle with..and more...it's not something I actively seek, or have as a priority. Seems the best friendships happen when you're not seeking them.

[crispini]

23. WHA?! GET OUT!

Holy smokes!

Yeah, it's tough about seeking and not finding -- I agree that having preset expectations doesn't work-- I'm coming off of two years of not seeking AT ALL and although I know I am self-sufficient enough to not NEED anybody -- well I still certainly WANT somebody! :evilgrin:

Good luck! :hug:

[hfojvt]

28. I was gonna reply with a demand

but that would probably be a red flag

However, you say that these guys are looking for the perfect woman, and yet you seem to have 10,000 reasons to reject a guy, and thus seem to be looking for the perfect man, or are completely uninterested.

I gave up on the internet dating thing too, since it seemed like a good way to pile up a bunch of snap-rejections from women who think you are a weirdo. Of course, I am, but the right person might find 'weirdness' to be quirky, interesting and/or amusing.

[alarimer]

19. I agree

and normally would; there just hasn't been much time. I am working some odd hours these days.

[skygazer]

10. After a week, you get an email like that?

I don't really see that you owe this person much of an explanation - they are a relative stranger to you. I'd simply respond and say, "Both, actually."

And I'd leave it at that.

[alarimer]

20. it did seem odd

and my first impulse was just to ignore it.

[Haole Girl]

13. That's sort of a strange email

I would beware. Someone getting testy so early on in getting to know a person cannot be a good sign. I know it sounds harsh,
but you have to be careful, too. You were right, you don't need this.

[leftofthedial]

16. well . . . which is it? too much work or too much stress?

:shrug:




If you're not interested, tell the poor fool. Don't be cruel.



;-)

[alarimer]

21. I have responded already

based on what some of the earlier posters said.

[leftofthedial]

24. how'd it go?

[Haole Girl]

27. What happened?

Inquiring minds would like to know!

[alarimer]

31. He seemed not to get it

I said basically what another poster suggested above: I apologized for not writing sooner and explained about my grandmother and that I didn't want to leave him hanging or waste his time. And that anything more than a friendship was not possible right now. I wished him luck, etc.

The response was a little strange. He said that I represented "something of great potential" and that he hoped I was only asking him to be patient. I have not responded to this yet but it seems that this guy has more invested here than I do. It is only email. I can't tell you how many times I have emailed someone and they seemed to be a great match, only to find that when we net, nothing really was there or I wasn't attracted to them after all or something.

[Skittles]

25. block that sender

that is way out of line

[Rowdyboy]

26. You've gotten such excellent advice, I hardly need to add anything....

You know what to do and you know that you have many friends who support you. Now do it.

[pitohui]

29. your first impulse is the correct one

you will never regret editing this person from your life

block future emails from the pressuring jerk-off and go on w. your life, you don't need to explain anything to him, just block him out and go on

[Ohio Joe]

30. I think you should avoid...

anyone that is going to put on that kind of pressure.

One note though, from my days of using online dating services. It would always drive me nuts when someone would simply stop writing back, it always left me with this... WTF feeling. Here we'd be, writing back and forth, everything seems good, then nothing... Did I accidentally say something offensive... Was I too forward... Not forward enough... :wtf:

The few times I did get a note telling me it did not feel right to them or they were talking to someone else and they felt that was going where they wanted... This was much better then simply being put on ignore and not knowing what happened.

[wildhorses]

32. true this man was short and to the point, very abrupt to say the

least. And it is a red flag but, no one is perfect. just a short sweet note to say sorry (in this day of instant communication days=eons ya know). Give hime the benefit of doubt and go from there. Time will reveal if he is a loser...and what is one more email in the scheme of things?