Ladies of DU, I need advice.

[khashka]

I told a woman today that she was beautiful. She wasn't. She was fat and kinda frumpy. But she was feeling beautiful and was proud of that.

Does one small white lie harm anything? If it makes someone feel good?

And was it really a lie? Who is to say what is beautiful?

So ladies..... if you may not be looking your best but are still complimented, would it offend you? Even if you knew it was a lie?

I think small white lies grease the wheels of kindness. But several people have told me I shouldn't have said it.

Khash.

[TallahasseeGrannie]

1. Beauty is more than looks

SOMETHING made you say she was beautiful. Something..a look in her eyes, her personality...something.

It would not offend me. I would take it as somebody reaching out to me.


Keep up the blarney.

[Whoa_Nelly]

2. Beauty is defined in so many ways

Including you and what you did.


:thumbsup:

[bridgit]

3. they do...

more white lies, please :-)

[L A Woman]

4. honestly...i might be offended

if the compliment seemed to her like one that was given out of pity....that's worse than telling her she is ugly. the fact that someone thinks you are so ugly that they need to go out of their way to give you a fake compliment just adds insult to injury.

in my opinion, everything should come from the heart. if you think she is physically unattractive, don't LIE. just find something you really like about her to compliment. her hairstyle, her smile...something specific.

you asked!

[miss_american_pie]

5. A woman told you not to tell another woman she was beautiful?

I would find that highly suspect.

I think you did a good thing.

[L A Woman]

12. did you read the OP?

he said, "I told a woman today that she was beautiful. She wasn't. She was fat and kinda frumpy."

he was referring to physical beauty, not inner beauty, and he admitted that he didn't actually believe she was physically beautiful.

women are very perceptive. she might smile and thank you, but she knows you are lying. there is nothing worse than feeling pitied.

no doubt your intentions were in the right place, though!

[miss_american_pie]

40. Yes

and unless I misread, other people told him after the fact he shouldn't have complimented her. IMO that falls under the category of no one's business but his own.

And I think women are also perceptive enough to see good intentions, even if the delivery falls short.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

6. You know, my dear Khash.....

There's all kinds of beauty.....not just the physical that everyone sees...

So, I say, yes, you did right by that lady.....

Perhaps you were responding to something on the inside of her....her soul perhaps?

YOu know how I am about compliments....I believe them! But then again, I am naive.....

So perhaps I've been lied to ......but it doesn't matter.

When someone tells me I'm beautiful, I respond in a way that makes me look beautiful.....

A self-fulfilling prophesy, if you will.....

Keep on doing it, my dear Khash......:hug:

[u4ic]

7. If she was feeling beautiful,

then she was beautiful. No lies involved. My take on it, anyway.

[SiobhanClancy]

8. What's wrong with those people?

And what is beauty,for that matter? It's such a subjective thing,when applied to physical attributes only,and no doubt the woman is beautiful in some way. How wonderful to think of saying something to brighten someone's day like that! Who knows how your compliment was passed forward to others through that woman? I think those who told you you shouldn't have said it maybe need to learn different ways of looking at things.

[SiobhanClancy]

9. delete..dupilcate

[jane_pippin]

10. If she was feeling beautiful then she was beautiful.

A woman came in to the place I work today, tired from having just got off of work, and she could have been described as frumpy too. But she was very energetic, happy to be talking with us, happy to learn what we were able to tell her about, happy to tell stories about our neighborhood to us, just happy all around and clearly full of life. The first thing my coworker and I said when she left was how wonderful (and beautiful) she and people like her are.

So, no, I don't think you told a lie if you saw something beautiful about this person, and I think it was a good thing that you did tell her.

[Ariana Celeste]

11. I agree with the others in this thread

There's beauty in a lot more places than a pretty face and a fit body. And if you can see beauty elsewhere, then you are one of the better people in this world- far too many people can't see past the skin. :hi:

[Marie26]

13. In general,

you can never, ever go wrong telling a woman she's beautiful. We don't really care if you're lying or not. :)

[crispini]

20. I disagree. Don't tell me I'm beautiful on a first date.

I've heard it before. What a line! What I hear is, "I want to have sex with you." :eyes: Tell me I'm cute, tell me I'm funny, tell me I'm fun to be with. Don't tell me I'm beautiful if you don't know me.

[Marie26]

23. Too true

Good point. OK, revision, we like hearing compliments, but will pretty much assume they are insincere if coming from a guy who is hitting on us/& or first dating.

[khashka]

35. Hmmm, I do tend to agree with you on that one

A dating situation is an entirely different matter. There is almost always some amount of sexual tension there. "You're beautiful!", even if sincere, comes across as "Ok, now just how long is it gonna take me to get your clothes off?"

A little too much too quick. And I always feel like I'm being manipulated. Tell me you're having a great time. Tell me you're looking forward to our next date. (And you probably will get my clothes off! Hey, I'm a slut!)

But in a non "potentially sexual" situation I think the rules are different. One of the reasons I told her she was beautiful was because she was fat and frumpy - but felt beautiful. And that was great! So many women (and men) have serious issues about body image and weight. She didn't. And that was beautiful.

Also I apologize for describing her as "fat and frumpy". I was trying to be descriptive. But on second thought... the implied value judgement in those words is pretty nasty. And not what I intended at all.

Khash.

.

[elshiva]

14. fat and frumpy can be beautiful. Freep is always ugly.

If she's nice to you and others she is in some way beautiful.

[xmas74]

22. Exactly.

What most see as fat and frumpy could be someone who doesn't care about conventions. She might care more about her family, her neighborhood or the world around her to have time to worry about simple physical appearances.

As a mother "fat and frumpy" reads to me "loved". When I'm 80 I want to be fat and frumpy. I want a wide lap for children to feel comfy in and soft, comfortable clothes for them to grab onto.

I don't want to be the kind of person whom spends the entire day primping. I want to the the person who lives life and looks it.

[tigereye]

43. that was what I was about to say

thanks Elshiva.

[JVS]

15. It's only gonna make it hurt more when somone decides to keep it real

Way to set her up for a bigger fall!

[Sugar Smack]

16. Hon, you're just being bratty right now. I think

you really meant it when you told her that. Happiness and confidence MAKES people beautiful, you know that already. So, yeah, what the hell!:*

How do I look, anyway? *smootch*

[LeftyMom]

17. When a man says a woman is beautiful

More often than not what he really means that he appreciates her and wants her to percieve herself as beautiful, loved and valued. So no, telling an unlovely woman that she's beautiful isn't really a lie, it's just an inaccurate shorthand and perceptive women can translate it back to it's true meaning or just leave it alone and let it perk up thier day a bit, as they choose.

[Sugar Smack]

39. What LeftyMom said!

:D

[Left Is Write]

18. If I thought someone were lying to me...

I'd probably feel patronized, depending on how close I was to the person.

But if this woman was feeling beautiful and it showed, then perhaps your compliment to her wasn't really a lie.

[xmas74]

19. You brought cheer and joy to someone's day.

She probably doesn't get many compliments. And, once you gave her a lovely compliment, I bet she put on the biggest smile.

Maybe she wasn't beautiful when you complimented her but I bet that shortly after you said it she radiated. You found her inner beauty and complimented her for it. Now her outer beauty will show, if only for a short time.

We need more people like you around.

[Book Lover]

21. As long as you were sincere, it's OK

But as several other women have pointed out, if you said it because you felt sorry for her and thought telling her that she was beautiful was going to make her feel better, that's pretty fucking patronizing.

[Mz Pip]

24. What was your motivation?

Insincere flattery that is used to get something - money, sex, etc. is never right.

But being kind to someone is not wrong. Doing something, saying something to make someone feel better when that is the only motivation doesn't seem that offensive to me.

Mz Pip
:dem:

[Derailer]

25. You are assuming she didn't really believe you

EDIT: OK, I'm not a lady of DU but as someone whose told a lie or two to a lady or two (none of DU though...I don't think) I feel qualified to comment

[laheina]

26. That kind comment may have made a difference

in the rest of her day. Whether she believed that you meant that she was physically beautiful or not, I'm sure that she appreciated the kindness of your intentions.

Some people don't get told that very often.

[tjdee]

27. It bugs me, actually. But I'm a strange sort, and you should keep doing it

for sure. As the other replies say, she probably had her day brightened up a bit.

[Haole Girl]

28. I prefer honesty myself.

No matter what my mood, I (personally) wouldn't want someone to tell me "little white lies." But, that's just me.

[El Fuego]

29. Maybe she thinks you are being disingenuous

...if she knows she really isn't.

[yvr girl]

30. I'd rather not be lied to

If I'm having a day where I'm not at my best - I know it - I don't want to hear from someone that they think that this is the best I can do.

I agree with the poster who told you to pick something you can honestly compliment.

[billyskank]

31. Delete

Last time I checked, I wasn't a lady... :blush:

[ScreamingMeemie]

32. No, but you are a very well behaved man...

...so...you can stay. :P

:hug: :loveya:

[billyskank]

34. Hi MrsG!

:hug: :loveya: :hi:

How are you?

[ScreamingMeemie]

36. I'm good! Thanks, and how are you?

I spent the better part of the evening packing up my daughter's room. It wasn't for the faint of heart. :) :pals:

[billyskank]

37. I am okay

It is another warm day here.

It's amazing how much stuff you accumulate, isn't it? And I'm only one. I can't imagine what it must be like for a family. Cripes, the idea of packing up my mum's house gives me palpitations!

:rofl:

[ScreamingMeemie]

38. It is awful...really, just awful.

I hadn't seen the underside of her bed in quite some time. And I swear a dust bunny growled at me. She just has sooooo much stuff.

[ScreamingMeemie]

33. Well...I tell MrG to get over himself when he tries that with me on a day

I know I look hot, sweaty and disgruntled... But, I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing.

[MissMillie]

41. I'm NEVER offended when someone tries to do or say something nice

I try to see the best intent in every person's action.

[NewWaveChick1981]

42. Small kindnesses like that are rare but definitely appreciated

by those who are the subject of them. :) You made her feel good and did no harm otherwise. I say you did a great thing!

[tigereye]

44. maybe feeling beautiful IS beautiful ,Khash

our American media driven standards of beauty really blow. I think beauty is very culturally derived.

and maybe that is what you meant.

[MissMillie]

45. Hey, Khash....

How do I look?

[LaraMN]

46. I don't think it's so horrible.

I bet if you really look at her, there IS something beautiful about her. I can find something beautiful about pretty much everyone I meet, and it doesn't take me much effort. Strictly physically speaking, there's beauty in a well turned wrist, a nice cheekbone, a straight back, smooth skin, a nicely shaped ear, a nose with character, a smile, a shiny strand of hair... I'd be hard pressed to find a person that didn't have some physical aspect I could admire, even if their overall appearance wasn't necessarily overwhelmingly glorious. Sometimes it's the little things that are the most compelling.