What have you learned from past relationships?

[gristy]

That's the question asked by a woman I am in "stage 3" communication with.
All I can think is "I just can't do this"! I mean, I know this person not
a whit. You wouldn't ask someone this question on a first date, would you?
On a second date? A third?

I really am going nuts here...

[LynzM]

1. Erm, what's "stage 3 communication"?

What I learned:

I don't want a possessive man.
I don't want to have that feeling in the pit of my stomach all the time.
I don't want to second-guess what I'm wearing.
I don't want to worry about who I talk to and what I said and in what tone of voice.
I want someone who is honest not just with me, but everyone, as a general policy.
I want someone who can put on a mask, but not *too* well.

Erm, that's all for now. You?

[gristy]

6. one of those internet dating services

Stages 1 and 2 were very easy (and appropriate!) compared to this

[Jazz2006]

2. No.

I wouldn't ask it of someone I don't know well, and I sure as hell wouldn't answer such a question from someone I don't know well.

It sounds like the kind of question that can only be formulated by someone with a psychobabble purpose in the background.

But if you feel compelled to answer it to maintain communication with this person, I'd suggest keeping the answer rather generic.

[gristy]

12. I think they are choosing from a list

I recently joined and this is the first time I've made it to 3rd base. :scared:

[Jazz2006]

24. Even worse if the question is not even genuine but has

been plucked from "a list".

I don't blame you for using the :scared: thing in that case.

But all the best to you, whether you decide to respond or not to the query.

:toast:

[LeftyMom]

3. It's an odd question to ask a near-stranger

One thing I've learned is that compromising my ethics to preserve a relationship makes me angry with myself and it's not worth it.

[WeRQ4U]

4. Here are mine, courtesy of an old girlfriend of mine:

1) ALthough I don't want someone possessive or overly clingy, I also don't want someone who usess my laid-back attitude and personality to their advantage.

2) I want someone educated or, at least, with the ability to think critically about things.

3) No obsessive anything...drinking, smoking, grass, working out, money....NOTHING.

4) I need someone who can make a fucking decision once in a while, no matter how inconsequntial.

5) Please don't try to change things that make me.......me.

As for whether it's Kosher to ask that question...no idea. I wouldn't say shit like "I want nice boobies" or something. That might not work. Keep it civilized.

[Robeson]

5. I try not to give advice on others relationships, but I am curious...

...about what exactly is "stage 3 communication"?...:shrug:

[Robb]

7. Bail bonds office: not the treasure trove you might think

See also: produce section.

[Kixel]

51. LOL!!!!

I guess that's a few less places to look.

[swag]

8. Never send cash.

[gristy]

9. by mail?

Would by courier be ok? :P:

[swag]

11. That would be worse.

The recipient could still pocket the cash and you would also be out the courier fees.

[XemaSab]

10. Henry James:

"People can be perfectly good, but not good for what one wants."

That and stay away from guys named David.

[_testify_]

52. Hey now...

I hafta stand up for all the Davids I know (myself) included. We're all pretty cool. We even have a song:


These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know
These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know

David Hoffman
He works in my dad's store
He's worked here for 12 years
He'll probably work here for more

These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know
These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know

Dave Gort
I've known since I was six
In grade eight he broke his leg
So we got drunk and sick

These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know
These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know

Some of them are Davids

They all have their own hands
But they come from different moms

These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know
These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know

Dave Jadiski
Man, this cat can swing
He weighs almost 50 pounds
And he delivers my paper on time

These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know
These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know

Dave Capisano
I hardly know him
...


These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know
These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know

We are the Daves he knows, he knows
We are the Daves he knows
We are the Daves he knows, he knows
We are the Daves he knows

Some of us them are Davids
But most of us are Daves
We all have our own hands
But we come from different moms

These are the Daves I know, I know

[ZombieNixon]

13. Never date someone who lives in your same building.

And never date a longtime friend. :cry:

[Oeditpus Rex]

14. Simple answer

to a rather premature question:

"Everything I know about them now."

Obviously, that would prompt the question, "What do you know about them now?"

To which I would reply, "Perhaps you'll care to find out."

If she wants all the answers up front, I have another response:

"Seeya."

[gristy]

15. OK, here's what I've got, such as it is.

- That I need someone who can find humor in themselves and the world around us.
- Kids can’t keep a secret
- A little bit about Feng Shui
- More later, perhaps…

[neoteric lefty]

61. I'm not sure about the 'kids' one.

it sounds a bit creepy, if you are looking at it in a certain way. :) Probably should rephrase it if I were you.

[leftofthedial]

16. the more one dwells on one's "relationship"

the more certainly it is either doomed or a sham or both

1. if you want a lasting, good relationship, get a dog

2. if you want conversation, get a friend

3. if you want sex, get a woman who also wants sex

sorry to sound so cynical, but that's about how it looks to me. 2 and 3 can coexist, but the odds are strongly against them coexisting for long.

[gristy]

18. I have a cat, and we get along great!

She's well-groomed, very smart, and smells wonderful! She's not much of a talker, though, and most of our conversations revolve around food.

[leftofthedial]

22. I failed to mention that you can combine 1 and 2 no problem

except that the conversations seem to revolve around walks, food and fetching small objects.

[Whoa_Nelly]

17. I've learned A LOT!!!

Guys...give'em a phone number, and they NEVER call...

[mykpart]

19. The most important thing I've learned:

Be myself; don't try to figure what the other person wants and become it - I get tired of it and can't keep it up - and I'm not happy then.

Men like it when you give them instructions during sex.

For me, part of sharing the same values means having the same politics.

[swag]

20. Never get out of the boat.

[SeattleGirl]

21. I've learned a thing or two from past relationships.

1. Abusers don't stop abusing.

2. To quote Randi Rhodes: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." That can be applied equally to positive and negative qualities about a person.

3. If you can't be who you really are in a relationship, the relationship is a lie.

4. Sex should be as equally important to both of you (on a scale from not very important to very important).

5. Communication, communication, communication. And, as a sub-text to that, if it's often difficult for you to talk to each other about things (even non-threatening things), that could be a problem.

6. Honesty, trust, and respect are essential ingredients in a good relationship.

There are probably more I could think of, but those are the ones that came up right away for me.

[gristy]

23. When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

A google search shows that quote to be widely attributed to Maya Angelou: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maya_Angelou
And a very good quote, indeed.

[SeattleGirl]

25. I was not aware of that. Thank you, gristy!

I'm sure Randi probably attributed Maya with that too, but I missed it. And it IS a very good quote! Thanks again! I love Maya!

[Random_Australian]

26. Never been in one.

:cry::cry::cry:

[u4ic]

27. It would feel like

an 'interview' to me.

"I'm interviewing you for the position of 'my soul mate'." :crazy:

[Jennos20]

28. I've learned three things so far

1) Never Ever date your best friend. It will end in disaster.

2) Never date someone you met during spring break.

3) Physical Attraction does matter. He or she may have the greatest personality of all time, but if your not attracted, then it's just not going to happen.

That's what i've learned.

[Seabiscuit]

29. That they're over. And I don't clutter a current relationship by talking

about them.

[Vidar]

30. Marriage is a sucker's bet.

[Mutley]

31. Too much.

x(

Anyway. Maybe she's just trying to get to know you.

[Deja Q]

32. Men are fickle and don't like relationships, and women... women...

when not playing games make high standards. Which is a bit of a shame when we hear on the telly all too often how they were brutalized by their nutcase jerk of a boyfriend/husband/whoever...

No doubt many men have heard the phrase "I just want to be friends".

Then you hear the song "If you want to be my lover, you gotta be my friend" (amazing how they got that to rhyme too...)

Of course, many 'relationships' break up due to money. Also kinda hard to be pro-family when you're also pro-business; the latter does anything and everything to deprive families of money...




But I will say, to get anywhere with the concept, being sweet is a detriment and having chutzpah and an extroverted personality is what it takes to get anywhere. In fairness, I lack chutzpah and am an introvert and trying to not be sweet seems a nasty punishment for a crime I never committed (being me, Asperger's and all).

[LaurenG]

33. Everyone needs love and acceptance and

if they can meet their own needs and care about the earth and everything on it passionately, I can probably get along well, if not we are in a world of hurt going into it.

Friendship is also a very important ingredient.

[ET Awful]

34. Hell, where I come from, stage 3 communication means

you're communicating with your clothes off and only the two of you can understand any so-called speech that might occur :evilgrin:

[miss_american_pie]

35. Stay away from guitar players

Sorry, that is way too deep of a question for this early in the day. Good luck.

[lizziegrace]

36. Damn

You really mean that? No guitar players? :cry:

[miss_american_pie]

37. You don't even want to know

Just trust me. ;)

[lizziegrace]

53. Sorry, but

I'm too far gone. Guess I'll have to learn the hard way huh?

:hug:

[miss_american_pie]

54. Experience is the best teacher

;)

[no name no slogan]

38. 1) Don't trust whitey

2) The Lord loves a working man

3) See a doctor and get it fixed

[REP]

42. It's "Quitters Never Win, and Don't Trust Whitey"

Do I watch too many cartoons, you think?*


*for people who don't, it's from Family Guy; Lois's advice to her children

[no name no slogan]

49. Actually, it's from The Jerk

it's the advice Steve Martin's father gave him when he left home

[REP]

50. *Yours* Is

Funny in "The Jerk" and absurd (and funny) in Family Guy.

Now I have lines from "The Jerk" going through my head ... off to juggle some kittens.

[cobalt1999]

39. All women are crazy

When you stop looking for a "normal" one and just accept that they are all a little nuts, they you can settle down and be happy.

My wife disagrees, but that's just more crazy woman talk. :)

[skygazer]

40. That's a woman's question

Women tend to introspect about relationships and ponder why they didn't work. Men wonder where they put their socks. The irony is that even with all that introspection, a lot of women wind up in the exact same type of relationship that didn't work before (men do, too but at least they have the excuse of not really thinking about it!)

Either she did get it from a list or she's had a bad relationship she doesn't want to repeat. Either way, how do you answer it? Got me. How about - "Not to base future relationships on those of the past."

[NewWaveChick1981]

41. Don't believe everything you see and/or hear.

And pay attention to your instincts. I dated a guy for nearly 5 years, and he lied to me on a regular basis. I didn't pay attention to the signals, especially several BIG ones, until I finally wised up and realized just how much he had lied. I don't give up easily, which is probably why I stuck it out, but we dated about twice as long as we should have. I was really in love with the guy, but sometimes things don't work the way you want them to.

I hope things work out for you! :) Just be careful.

[NewWaveChick1981]

48. Correction to my earlier post: in all fairness, he lied several times,

not necessarily on a regular basis. Just wanted to set the record straight.

[REP]

43. If A Guy Says He's Not Good Enough For You, BELIEVE HIM

If his friends say you can do better, BELIEVE THEM.

[begin_within]

44. Change the subject. Not every conversation has to be about you or about

her or about the relationship. There are a million other subjects to converse about.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

45. What I've learned:

1) Physical attraction is necessary, but it's not sufficient. If you have nothing to say to each other, the relationship is doomed. It's important for your lover to be good company on a day-to-day basis.

2) Anyone who slams objects around when he's angry will eventually start slamming you around.

3) Creeps of both sexes are good at faking what the opposite sex wants. Ladies, an outlaw attitude is not "excitement." Gentleman, a bitchy pouty personality is not "passion."

4) Good relationships are scarcer than good jobs.

5) Being a no-social-skills nerd is a form of arrogance. Deep down, it means, "I'm so brilliant and wonderful that I don't have to make any adjustments to the real world or other people's needs and wants."

[Lilith Velkor]

56. Regarding 5

Do you honestly believe that someone would choose to have no social skills, with all the negative attention that entails?

Wouldn't an arrogant attitude be a defense mechanism in this case?

I'm not attacking you here, I've just been puzzled by some people who act as if my social awkwardness is a deliberate affront, and wonder if a prevailing belief such as #5 is the cause of this.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

60. Based on experience with an ex

He was a classic nerd, and when he was pursuing me, I overcame my usual distaste on the advice (yeah, silly me!) of a magazine article that said that nerds had sweet hidden qualities.

Well, he made me chicken soup when I was sick, but otherwise, he was so convinced of his own intelligence that he would complain to me about people who didn't want to talk about what he wanted to talk about at that moment. He sometimes showed up at my place in a cloud of body odor, claiming that he was "too busy" to take a shower. I could barely make a statement without him picking it apart, even when there was nothing left to pick apart. When I complained that not everything needed to be analyzed to death, he said that he couldn't help it because his mind was always working at full throttle. He made vacation plans for us without telling me, assuming (without asking) that of course I'd like what he'd like. He was convinced that anyone who didn't like him was not smart enough for him. He once started reading The Princess Bride aloud at a party, shouting to be heard over the noise, and when I told him that no one was listening, he insisted that they *should* listen, because it was such a good book.

Arrogant enough for you?

I stayed with him longer than I should have because I felt sorry for him, but then I met someone else who was equally smart but not prone to alienate people with every word.

[LostinVA]

46. Never date a cop

[crispini]

47. I would only ask that stuff on a third date.

eHarmony sucks just because of that. If you're going to date online, you have to meet them as soon as possible. That online bullshit is just bullshit. Try Craigslist, I've had some interesting results there. and I do mean INTERESTING.

[Iniquitous Bunny]

58. I agree.

Don't drag out online relationships. Huge mistake. You cannot know someone until you actually KNOW them. Phone calls and e-mails aren't day-today reality. Meeting someone online (or an ad) is fine. Just don't drag it out.

[Derailer]

55. Make damn sure her ex isn't named Nunio

He's short, but scrappy

[Iniquitous Bunny]

57. That I am not "high maintainence"...

if I expect to get what I give. I spent many years being self-loathing (and about one day a month I still am if you know what I mean) and what I spent my twenties and early 30's learning is that I'm a woman who has it all so I expect nothing less that the best of treatment. I don't mean materialistic crap, I mean consideration and respect. I'm not perfect and sometimes I do or say something hurtful, but I care and I make amends ASAP. I talk. I listen. I communicate well. I'm loving (if you know what I mean). I'm intelligent and work hard. I'm fairly easy on the eyes. What I have really learned is that I am fine just as I am. I love my fiance very, very much, but if we weren't together, I'd be the same good person by myself. I enjoy him, but I don't need any other human to validate my being. That is probably the key thing here. Love yourself first.

Edit: Lydia Leftcoast and Seattle Girl had awesome lists BTW! :thumbsup:

[Deep13]

59. Don't assume she will lie to the cops for me!

Also, don't tell her about the crawlspace.

[Deep13]

62. Holy thread killer, Batman.

I'm just kidding yah-know.

[Guava Jelly]

63. What i learned from my present relationship

Is that true love only exist between child and parent.
That no one will truly love you forever..
And that it sucks

[ThomCat]

64. I've learned to maintain my sense of myself

and not give away too much private information too quickly.

[khashka]

65. If you have any interest in this woman, it's a good question

On my first date with the man I love more than anyone in the world, he asked me many questions. One of the reasons I love him is because he did ask those questions.

What do you love?
What do you hate?
Why are you here? With me?
Why did your past relationships end and what did you learn from them?

When people ask questions like this it's because they really want to know you. It's disconcerting and uncomfortable....they are asking you to expose yourself.

The real question is : is the woman someone you want to know in depth and want her to know you in depth? Then you need to make youself vulnerable and answer. If you can't do that and she's not someone you want to open up to, then quit dating her. And find a woman you want to know everything about and want her to know everything about you.

You say you know her "not a whit". Why not? You can ask questions too!

Khash.

[gristy]

67. We haven't even met yet, let alone dated!

I know her from what she's written in her "profile" and by her responses in the 1st and 2nd "stages" of communication. But your experience of course is valid and I am glad to hear it.

[khashka]

70. Oh! OK!

Now I get it!

In that case it does sound like she's moving a little fast and making you uncomfortable. I can see why.

I still advise honesty and upfrontness, though. Why not just tell her that although you have no problem discussing this, you need to get to know her better first? If she has a problem with that, well, then she has no respect for your feelings and is not the woman for you.

I still think that all she is trying to do is really get to know you. But if it bugs you, you should tell her so. And try to find a speed and direction that is comfortable for you both.


Khash.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

66. Watch out for their crazy ex-girlfriend. nt

[HEyHEY]

68. Grab her boob and say, "well, let's see if I learn anything here"

[swag]

69. An anarchist is one who expects you to buy all the beer.