I just did something really stupid and I don't understand why

[tavalon]

I was terrified of nuclear annihilation in the 80s and had many nightmares. I have PTSD so I protected myself by burying my head to world affairs then because it was just to unbalancing and those of us with PTSD generally learn not to trigger ourselves. It's a self protection mechanism that is not highly underrated.

I have since 2001 become very politically active though from time to time I've had to take a break for the above reason. I will be of no help to anyone if I go psychotic. In the last few months, the nuclear nightmares and night terrors have been back. I've been sleepwalking again, something I don't do until it gets real bad. Granted, I'm moving cross-country in 31 days and that alone could account for the relapse. So too, could the insane desire of this administration to use bunker buster nukes in Iran. Their wet dream is one of my PTSD triggers. So, I've been careful, trying hard to parse out what I could safely handle and trying to be as effective as possible within those constraints. Generally, my seven long years of therapy have served me well.

I did something amazingly stupid tonight, though. I was at H.E.B picking up supplies for the child's birthday party and I perused the racks of discount DVDs. They had The Day After and I bought it and I watched it. Damn, that was so fucking stupid and I can't for the life of me figure out why I would do such a thing. I'm not generally a masochist.

None of my family is up now so I can't warn them. I've cleared the floor on my bedroom so I don't accidently break a foot. I've taken twice the usual dose of sleep meds, hidden all of the keys in the pre arranged area and I'll cry before I go to bed. But I sure hope and pray that the snipers or the spiders don't come tonight. I haven't seen them in so long and I don't want to see them again.

Anybody have any input into why I would do something so outrageously stupid? I know I'm scared about the bunker busters but this isn't the way to exorcise that demon! I'm heading for bed now so I won't be reponding for many hours but if anybody has any useful input, please jump in. I might not mind an empathetic/sympathetic word or two. I'm pretty scared.

[Mutley]

1. Not having PTSD I can't really give you advice or understand how you feel.

But I do hope you feel better soon. :hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

2. Perhaps you were testing yourself?

:hug: Just remember, we truly are all in this together. You're not alone. I would suggest seeing a doctor though, as you mentioned that it seems the sleepwalking and other indicators of distress are evident. Sleep well. I'll keep watch over you. :)

[tavalon]

4. Don't worry, I am

That's one of the reasons he took me off ambien recently.

[tavalon]

6. Thank you for watching over me metaphorically. It helps

And my family is up now and they gave me comfort and suggested that I ritualistically destroy the DVD as neither of them is willing to watch it.

[ScreamingMeemie]

7. PM me if you ever need a quick shot of reassurance or just to chat.

:hi:

[tavalon]

8. I took enough poly pharmacy to be sfe but snowwed in about 15 minutes.

It won't protect me from my nightmares and the nightmare of whuch I speak has not varied much in 20 years but I have nattie with me tonight and if nothing else, he can perform as second in command.

My eays blurr now. I think it may be time ot sign off and face the night,

[Sugar Smack]

3. I watched that ONE DAY AGO.

How odd. Right before bed. My nightmares are more involved in being in concentration camps than nuclear war. I feel for you, tavalon.:hug:

[Random_Australian]

5. Your subconscious works in strange ways. Mine hates me, but most

likely you wanted, on some level, to test yourself. Perhaps if you had been comforting yourself with false bravado, then I could see that happening.

I don't really understand PTSD though. (Well, not like I understand other ones)

[tavalon]

9. Seriously folks, thanks for not recommending ths thread

I'd like it to have a smaller audience, especiallu as my pride a nd joy spelling begind to fade.