Mental Illness: out of the shadows

[scottcsmith]

I am mentally ill.

Even now as I type this, I am embarrassed to make that statement. Such is the stigma of mental illness. Unlike a physical illness, such as diabetes, having a mental illness is considered by many as a sort of personality defect, or it is something that can be turned on or off, at will. If I had diabetes, I could talk to other people about it, and I'd get a sympathetic ear. If I say I hear voices, I'm regarded with suspicion.

For years my illness went untreated and undiagnosed. What started as depression in 1987 had become full-blown psychosis in 2001. I was unable to work and I could barely function. I was terrified of being outside, and the thought of driving anywhere was unbearable.

And, like so many others with severe depression, I attempted to take my own life. I felt like I was such a burden on my family and friends. I wondered how my wife could cope with being married to someone who was so out of touch with reality. Death seemed to be the only logical solution.

Something inside of me wanted to live, obviously, as I did not overdose on all of the pills I had taken. I was rushed to the hospital and stayed in the emergency room for several hours. Instead of having my stomach pumped I was given a cup of liquid charcoal. Nasty stuff. And after a few hours I was released.

Such is the state of HMOs. I obviously should have been admitted to the psychiatric ward. I was not. I should have been assigned a counselor. I was not. I should have been assigned a psychiatrist. I was not. All of these things I had to do on my own. And as anyone who has experienced what I have, you know that finding the right therapist and doctor are the keys to recovery. My HMO had a horrible mental health benefit, which I quickly exhausted. Eventually I was able to switch to a different HMO. I found a great therapist and psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with severe depression and psychotic episodes; generalized anxiety disorder; and agoraphobia.

And over the last couple of years, slowly but surely, I'm starting to recover. My doctor has me on the right combination of medications and my counselor is very good.

Yes, I still hear the occasional voice, and am prone to insomnia and anxiety. But recovery is possible. I don't know if I'll ever be "cured," but my condition is stabilizing. I don't think I could work right now, but I can think. I laugh more. I talk to my wife more. My thoughts are no longer completely black. I have taken up writing again, creative writing and the writing I do on my web page and here at DU.

I guess the message I wanted to communicate is that recovery is possible if you or someone you know has a mental illness. Sometimes that recovery is very slow. The illness may never completely "go away," but it is possible to get it under control.

And now, increasingly, a word comes to my mind, a word that I hadn't used in a long time:

Hope.

[southerngirlwriter]

1. I applaud you, sir.

Thank you for your courage in posting your story.

I, too, am a survivor of mental illness. I was hospitalized five times when I was a teenager for depression, two of those following suicide attempts. Today, I am much better, and have not been hospitalized for almost six years. I did what you are doing -- the right shrink, the right therapist, the right medication.

Today, I am fine. In fact, friends who are in trouble regularly call ME for help. Quite a turnaround, as my oldest friends used to sit around and discuss whether they should try to have me involuntarily committed.

I say that not to praise myself, but to encourage you that recovery is VERY possible. I applaud your courage and tenacity. Keep it up!!

[toddzilla]

2. not alone

i'm in there with you guys. i'm currently using a homeopath in my efforts to treat my depression. i got tired of the side effects of medications and now i'm without health insurance after losing my job 2 weeks ago.

it seems to be helping more so than most of the meds i've taken, i've only been on it since thanksgiving so i know it will take some time.

thanks for sharing, it does help to let it out.

[nuxvomica]

3. Good luck with homeopathy. It help me more than Paxil

It does take a while but you should've been experiencing some improvement almost immediately and it sounds like you have. :thumbsup:

[Ellen Forradalom]

4. Indeed you are far from alone

I've had manic depressive illness (type II) all my adult life. My mojo has gone missing for the past two months and I too am afflicted with feelings of uselessness and misery.

The more of us come out, the more empowered we will be--and the stigma will one day fall away.

[Duncan Grant]

5. Thanks Scott!

Just wanted to thank you for "stepping out of the shadows" here at DU! Your personal story will help people here better indentify with this important issue.

I work at an outpatient mental health clinic (I'm not a therapist or clinician) and I couldn't agree more with your message! Very glad to read your story of strength and "hope".

Best wishes to you! :hi:

[Swede]

6. You are a courageous soul scott.

There are a lot of good folks here at DU,you can post stuff and not be afraid to say your piece.

[TopesJunkie]

7. You rock!

Thanks for sharing your story. It needs to be heard. Your frustration with HMOs needs to be heard. And your comparison to diabetes is apt. People need to understand that mental illness is like any other illness, it is not a moral failing. You are courageous to share this here. I wish you well.

[NightTrain]

8. My late mother was mentally ill

She was diagnosed at age 12, or circa 1944. Imagine the stigma that was attached to mental illness back then! Of course, it didn't help that mom's stepmother was a terminal Catholic who was convinced that her stepdaughter's mental illness was a curse from God because the girl was an unrepentant sinner--at age 12, mind you.

When I was growing up (for lack of a better phrase), what made it particularly frustrating for me was that when my mother's illness was in remission, she was a sweet, loving person. But when the illness took hold--which it did every 18 months to two years--all hell would literally break loose! When I think of some of the shit that went on during those periods, I still shudder. And when I think of all the nasty, ignorant things I said to my mother when she was sick, my heart breaks all over again.

Scott, my heart truly goes out both to you and to those who love you. Mental illness is an extremely difficult road to hoe. I wish you the best of luck!

[Gloria]

9. Thank you for a courageous post....

Here's another way to take even more control. Learn relaxation techniques/self-hypnosis. Stress reduction will help you get even stronger...I speak from years of experience.

[Blade]

10. I'm currently living with it...

I have depression/ anxiety/panic disorder/adult adhd...It sucks. But I've learned to live with it through medication (Zoloft). Thank God this stuff works. If it hadn't taken the medication, I probably wouldn't be able to type in here or go out in public and enjoy myself or, worse yet, enjoy life.

I hope everything works out well for you, bud. I know it will. You can count on me for advice if you ever need it. I'm here to help. :hi: :hug:

[Booberdawg]

11. That was a truly courageous story, scott

and thank you for sharing it.

It is utterly disgraceful that in the richest nation on earth, mental illness is stigmatized instead of treated like any other illness as it truly is - and that it is instead seen in some eyes and treated as a moral failing. Utterly disgraceful.

Your words of Hope are inspirational. I wish you the very best future, my friend. :thumbsup:

[Droopy]

12. It sounds like you and I have some of the same symptoms

I have schizoaffective disorder. I, too, was hearing voices and I was afraid to leave the house. This disease has made me old before my time. I have to take an anti-psychotic and a mood stabilizer for the rest of my life. The drugs dull the intellect and make me feel tired a lot, but I'm a lot better off than I was before I started using them.

I've been hospitalized three times for this. They didn't get the correct diagnosis until the last time so I was being treated for the wrong illness.

I spent a lot of time in hell with this. I lost roughly nine years of my life from the onset of the illness until the correct diagnosis. I also considered suicide and that's what led to my hospitalizations. Never attempted it though.

You are a strong person to be able to come out amongst a bunch of people and say that you have an illness. The more people that do this the more we blow away the stigma that is often attatched to mental illness.

Best wishes to you.

[FloridaJudy]

13. Thank you for posting this.

It took great courage.

I know. I'm bi-polar. Most people who know me remark on how calm and even-tempered I am. It takes three medications to keep from varying from swinging from the chandelier naked and laughing maniacally with a rose in my teeth, and cowering in a corner tearing my hair and wailing because absolutely everything that goes wrong is All My Fault.

Those medications have really nasty side effects, but I take them. It's worth it to able to function.

We are all around you, the folks who've battled our biochemical demons and are winning. We're your best friends, siblings, parents and children. We're your doctors, lawyers and ministers.

We're no different than diabetics and hypertensives; we have a serious medical condition that can be controlled with good health care.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

14. You aren't alone.

There are millions of people in this country who are mentally ill. They are all along the spectrum from minor to major psychosis. I urge you to learn as much as you can about your problem. There are a lot of Psychology magazines, and if you can, try to take a few Psych classes at a local college. I'm a child development minor, and I've taken several psychology classes because it's a very interesting topic. There are genetic, biological, and environmental causes to psychological problems. It takes a lot of courage to tell your friends and people you don't know that you are mentally ill, because of that stigma that comes with that word. Good luck in your recovery. I hate hearing about people's horror stories about their experiences at hospitals. The horrible state of our mental health is thanks to Reagan and all the cuts the republicans have made to funding for the mentally ill. It makes me sad that they put these people out on the street out of group homes, half way houses, and mental institutions because they found community health to be successful. But that lasted only a few years, and the funding was cut from that because it stopped working. Our priorities are out of wack when it comes to taking care of each other. We give corporations tax cuts, make the middle class pay out their asses on taxes, and put mentally ill people out on the street even though they aren't able to take care of themselves, let alone work.
Again, good luck on your recovery, and if you ever need support, you konw where to find us. :hug:
Duckie

[put out]

15. You are finding hope?

That is so good to hear. Mental illness is so widespread; you can believe you are not alone. When you are able to be strong enough, as you are, to talk about it, the stigma breaks down little by little.

I wish you increasing peace in your mind and your life.

My edit, a mistake in my subject line. It originally read "I You are finding hope?" Heh, pretty telling, no?

[Tredge]

16. Congratulations! (disclaimer...read on)

No! Not on your illness, but your ability to come to this point and this place and say you are ill.

I have an illness, one of which I haven't got the courage to admit, and I admire you for doing so. For mine my only salvation was when I was 13 or 14, smart for my age, I outlawed suicide to myself. The thought has often tickled my mind but for some reason, when I forbid myself to commit suicide and see life to a natural end, I obey.

I wasn't sick enough to give up life, and I knew if I lasted long enough the problem could be solved. Even if it wasn't, I figured in the meantime I could live a relatively normal, if rather unpleasant, life.

(It's mild (well, relatively) schizophrenia)

I won't acknowledge my admission, if you please.

You are well loved. Don't live for the others though that would be sad if you killed yourself. This damn world mustn't have much you see that is redeeming about it. But there is, and you are part of the people who care about it! I don't mean DU, I mean generally, all over.

You wondered if you'd have a sympathetic ear. You have them, here. People here will hope for you and hope you get better. You've chosen good company - you're in good company. I'm so pleased you are feeling better, and I'm glad you've been laughing. That's been my best therapy and I recommend it over anything, never mind the cliche's.

I'm glad you have hope. Even if things get bad again please try to remember your hope. Remember it now and bottle it up if you can. Well no, don't take that advice. If your hope is good it will stick by you, it won't need a bottle - I don't think your hope will.

[kodi]

17. one day at a time, scott.

its the only day you have.

all best to you.

[scottcsmith]

18. Thanks everyone

Like I said, you guys are the best. I know the Internet brings with it a detachment, that it is sometimes easy to believe there isn't a real, live person on the other end. But I know that's not true. It really does feel like a community here. We may disagree with each other from time to time, and we may really, really strongly disagree with each other, but I get a real sense here that people are genuinely concerned for the health and well being of others, when all is said and done. Just browsing through the messages in the various forums is enough to see that folks really do care about each other.

As I've read through the responses to my post, I can't help but think of the venom spewed by right-wingers who are so critical of the DU, the accusations that are made that we're a group of cynical, angry Bush-hating traitors. Sure, some of us don't agree with our President, and can be passionate about it, but it times like right now that I wish someone like Rush Limbaugh could read through the postings for this thread and see how much compassion there is.

[scarlet_owl]

19. Thank you for sharing. I am also seriously mentally ill.

I am on tons of medication and on Social Security disability. I can no longer work, as there are days where I can't leave my house. I know all about the stigmas attatched. My grandmother has schizophrenia and treated my mother very poorly when she was a child. My mother now makes fun of me and tells me that I'm like my grandmother to insult me. Growing up was very hard for me because I knew I was different, but I didn't know why. I would have dramatic mood swings and I was suicidal at age 11. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, generalized anxiety, severe depression, and bi-polar disorder, and thankfully I'm now getting the treatment that I need. There was a time when I couldn't because I didn't have insurance and even public aid was too expensive. I'm so glad that things are looking up for you. Mental illness is a horrible thing to live with, but people who love you can make it more bearable. God bless you.

Ember

[Gingersnap]

20. Scott thank you for such a strong, hopeful message

I understand about the stigma too.

I do research and live periodically among Mayan people in Central America, where I do my research the illnesses that we think of as "depression," "stress," "schizophrenia" etc. are considered to be the effects of "bad air" and witchcraft. There isn't better treatment, but at least there they aren't stigmatized as a moral or personality failing.

Best of luck on your journey and thanks for sharing.

[Guaranteed]

21. You're very brave, Scott...

and that was an outstanding post. I, too, have fought a long fight with anxiety and depression, although probably not quite as severe as yours. And, I must say that looking back, and seeing how long I've lived, and fought, I feel a lot of pride in myself. I'm sure you do too, and you SHOULD. :)

Good job, buddy. Keep on fighting. :yourock:

[Kerridwyn]

22. Depression

Thank you for your brave post.

I also suffer from severe depression - have done since I was about 12, though I wasn't diagnosed until I was 20 as no one thought to send me to a doctor or therapist in spite of my clear suicidal feelings and desires.

I don't have any medical insurance; I'm a British citizen so I get as much medication as possible when I visit my family in the UK, free. Medication over here is expensive. For a while I was buying it, but I've had to drastically reduce my dosage to make it last long enough, until I can afford more. My therapist, luckily for me, has seen me for 3 years on a sliding scale.

Depression been the primary factor in my not being able to live a "normal" life - completing my official education to a level I'm intellectually capable of, holding down a job, etc. On the other hand, therapy has helped me realize I never much wanted to live a normal life anyway. Unfortunately, it's hard to get by in the world if you don't fit in, by disposition or by the chemical functioning of your brain.

[AlienGirl]

23. I wish I felt some hope

Three times in two days, I've been within minutes of checking myself into the psych ward. The only reason I didn't was that I have no prescription drug coverage. Oh, and that whole "I can't afford to get fired from my job for being sick too often" thing.

I'm in a really, really, REALLY bad time right now. Crying uncontrollably at random, suicidal ideation, the whole bit. Today I got to the point of having the method in place, and chickened out when it started to hurt.

Everyone keeps telling me to go on living for the sake of my kids; what they don't seem to get is that I desperately need a reason to *want* to go on living.

Paxil was doing a great job, but something is wrong big-time and I just can't afford to get back on the med-go-round...

Tucker

[Kerridwyn]

24. I hear you...

AlienGirl: I hear you.

"what they don't seem to get is that I desperately need a reason to *want* to go on living."

I think people who don't suffer from depression have a hard time understanding this. To most of them, it presumably seems that it's obvious to want to go on living, and hard for them to imagine what it is like to not want to. Especially to a degree that children, or anything else we're supposed to want to live for (husband, family, etc), still don't feel like a compelling enough reason. For you to want to go on living, perhaps there has to be a reason that's about your wants entirely for yourself, not always for other people.

I go on living because I've not yet got to quite the point where I'm ready to die. Like you, I've often decided on a method... but I'm always that one step away. A couple of times, half a step away. Or maybe just a few millimeters.

I'm on Effexor. It works some. Not enough. But then I can't afford to take enough. Even when I was taking the full dose it wasn't doing quite enough to make me truly functional anyway. And I'm sick of the meds merry-go-round too. If something is helping some, and you have to come off it to take something else that may or may not work, you KNOW you are going to have a month of hell while you wait for the new thing to kick in - if it does.

[AlienGirl]

25. I've been ready to die...

...since last year, when I first heard my ex-husband say "separation." In fact, right then I felt cheated, because had I known the life that'd been *mine* was over, I would never have fought the cancer.

Tucker

[Kerridwyn]

26. virtual {{{hugs}}}

That's horrible... I'm sorry. I guess a therapist would say you have to create a new life, we all have to create new lives at times... but that's the thing I hate about most "self-help" approaches, they don't take into account that depression turns everything into a black hole. You can't think yourself out of it, things which are easy to say can be impossible to believe in, or to feel.

I wish I had some words of wisdom which would help. All I really have to offer is sympathy. Which is better than no one hearing you at all I guess, but I know it doesn't really do anything much to help you feel better.

When I was first diagnosed and first beginning to understand what depression was about, and most importantly that I wasn't completely abnormal but that other people feel this way too, I found internet support groups quite helpful. I posted on alt.support.depression on Usenet a lot. I think the most helpful thing about it was just that knowing that other people have been through it, and having people who genuinely *understood.*

[Nihil]

30. Well said.

> When I was first diagnosed and first beginning to understand what
> depression was about, and most importantly that I wasn't completely
> abnormal but that other people feel this way too
> ...
> I think the most helpful thing about it was just that knowing that
> other people have been through it, and having people who genuinely
> *understood.*

Wholeheartedly agree with this. The biggest single thing that can
help is not the chemical cocktail, it is the knowledge that you are
not alone, not stuck in nightmarish isolation. When you realise that
you are not eternally trapped in that bleak grey fog that masks your
future as well as filtering your past, that's when you start to climb
up again. Knowing that other people are there and that they really
do understand the problems you are seeing, that is very important.

Good luck (and well done to Scott for having the courage to start
this note - helping more people in turn)

Nihil

[areschild]

27. You're far from being alone.

I've experience everything you have, and today I'm doing fine. Keep hope alive, and when things start to feel really bad, just remember the people here who have, or still are, experiencing the same things and you won't feel so "alone" inside yourself.

When I was going thru the bad times, I felt that no one could possibly understand because no one could get inside of me to know what was going on. I felt so lonely, and alone, locked inside this body and mind. I'm not sure I'm even making sense, but please hang in there and I know that life will get better for you.

If you ever need to talk, we're here.

Here's a hug for you. :hug:

[Cheswick2.0]

28. except for the voices I have been there

my deprssion was reactive to childhood sexual abuse, an undiagnosed physical problem which looked like panic and an abusive marriage (alone with toxic abusive in-laws). I suffered the anxiety, depression and agoraphobia. Recovery is indeed possible and I think you are well on the way.

[Ladyhawk]

29. As a fellow sufferer, I applaud your courage and strength.

I would say more, but Skinner always locks threads when I'm open like you are. Total double standard. :(

And you're right about health care for mental illness sufferers. It sucks big-time.

[RainDog]

31. Best to you

I can approach your situation from another perspective, as the former spouse of someone who is bipolar.

Unfortunately, we did not have the sort of familial support which can make such a difference in these situations. when my ex was first dx'd, my stepmother wondered what *I* had done to make him ill...at a time when I was trying to cope with a suicide attempt by my ex during a manic phase while I had a six month old child.

After repeated cycles of depression and mania, and at least four suicide attempts, even with medications, I had to separate myself from my husband, even though I love him, because of the difficulties I had coping with his illness and the effects it seemed to have on our parenting of two children.

some people could not understand why I would not stigmatize my ex for his illness in regards to our joint care of our children, but in fact, he's a loving, caring father. Would someone with diabetes be denied access to his children if he sometimes had to make medical adjustments to avoid the more difficult aspects of his illness?

fortunately for him, he's had good medical coverage and enlightened and understanding employees...and he is very good at his work.

Otherwise, our situation would have been even more of a nightmare.

I have often felt that I failed because I was unable to sustain our family, but as any who know my situation know, I tried long and hard, and the situation took a toll on me, as well.

I also have a child who has been dx'd bipolar, and another who was dx'd with high-functioning autism. I'm glad that we are no longer in an age when these things are viewed with the same condemnation that they were, although, as my stepmother demonstrated, we are far from a societal understanding of the difficulties of coping with mental illness or providing support for families who deal with it.

Over the course of many years, and no doubt because of my own tendencies, I have dealt with depression now, too.

So I understand so many of the issues you face, and am happy to hear that you have been able to overcome an often adversarial health care system.

even though my ex had and has good insurance, at one point I remember sitting on my kitchen floor talking to an insurance person about admitting my ex to the hospital when his has manifested, and the person had the gall to tell me that people couldn't use the hospital as a "spa!!!!!!!"

this for a person who had overdosed on more than one occasion, and I was trying to avoid the late-night ambulance call to my house.

Needless to say, I spoke to that person's supervisor. The last thing someone needs when facing such stress is an uninformed person with unearned power of life and death over someone else.

Good luck to you. Now that you are aware of symtoms of your illness, make sure you practice preventative care for your sake and for the sake of those you love.

Best to you.