How not to return a door

[jmowreader]

I got a call from the returns desk. "Can you come up and verify a door?" Some guy who claimed to be a contractor brought this door back.

Here's a helpful household hint, kids: If you're trying to return an entry door to a lumberyard, it should not look like this if you want them to accept it:

1. Door should not be painted forest green on the front.
2. Door should not be painted glossy antique white on the back.
3. If door is painted forest green on the front and antique white on the back, door should not have severe brush marks in the finish and big globs of other-colored paint all over it. Nor should there be white circles that are approximately the same size as lock rosettes around the lock bores.
4. Door should not be mounted in the frame with three screws per hinge when the door had four in each hinge when you got it. Further, the screws shouldn't have stripped heads, they shouldn't be mounted at an angle and they probably should all be the same color.
5. Door should not have one piece of new brickmould, one that was split and glued back together, and one piece that's rotten at the bottom.
6. Door should not have darker, cleaner area in the middle of it that's approximately the size of a poster.
7. The tape that held the poster to the door shouldn't remain on the door.
8. Door probably shouldn't have foot-shaped dent next to the lock bores.
9. Lock bores shouldn't be sitting at an angle.
10. When these doors leave the store there's an identification tag on each door frame leg. When one of them says the door is made by "Masonite" and the other one says the door is a "Premdor," there's something wrong.
11. The compression weatherstripping around the door shouldn't look like it's six years old.
12. I can tell when you've glued together a split door frame leg. Especially when it's right at the lock mortises.

In other words...if someone kicks your door in and you come to the store for a new one, we are not going to give you all your money back if you bring in the old one.

[MissB]

1. You must write a book someday.

:rofl:

[jmowreader]

5. The funniest part of this whole incident is one that's not readily visible

The legs of a doorframe are the two sections that run vertically. This is fairly obvious but not to everyone...like people who are stupid enough to not realize I know what a kicked-in door looks like.

At the ends of the leg are little notched-in areas about 3/4" wide by 3/8" deep running across the width of the leg. They build the frame by running three-inch deck screws through the leg into the threshold at the bottom and the top at...well, you know.

To remove a leg, therefore, you must completely remove the door from the rough opening. This will give you access to the screws.

This asshole, in order to bring me back a door that was in the condition his was in...

a. He removed the installed door from the rough opening.
b. He then switched the doorslab and its hinges, the lockside frame legs, the compression weatherstripping, and the brickmould between the two units.
c. He repaired the broken leg as best he could.
d. He then reinstalled the door.

Now let me ask you: would YOU have gone through this much trouble? Or would you have pulled out the old door, fixed the frame so you could take it back to the store, and installed the new door as it came?

[MissB]

7. Stupid and cheap is always a funny combination.

:rofl:

[petronius]

2. Well if that's the way you're going to be about it,

maybe you should have a big sign out front so honest hardworking citizens aren't taken in by your deceptive and selfish business practices! :silly:

(Your stories rock, by the way.)

[Lady Effingbroke]

3. I always enjoy reading your work stories!

No wonder you're looking for another job.

[jmowreader]

6. I may be getting promoted here

The last lumber department head decided he'd had enough of the new store manager's shit and just quit. No one else will take the job, so I guess it's up to me.

So long as I can adjust the department work schedule to ensure there's at least two people on duty all the time, it'll be okay.

Besides, what would you folks do for entertainment if I wasn't one of the keepers at the Sandhills Fucking Idiot Preserve?

[A HERETIC I AM]

11. LMAO! "Keeper of the Sandhills Fucking Idiot Preserve"

That is too hilarious.

You may have seen me write about one of my stupidest customers, but here it is again:

I drive a display truck for NASCAR/NEXTEL, This one:


There are 2 racing full motion simulators inside the unit. They are 3/4 scale cars that are bolted to the floor. From the rear of the trailer you can clearly see the cars inside and even to the most CASUAL observer, they are tiny looking. Not REAL RACE CARS! In this business we have an expression for folks that think they know what they are talking about re. racing but really dont. A "DARF" for "Dumb Ass Race Fan"

Last year during the 2nd Fontana race weekend we were packing up after an all-day show and this woman walks up and says
DARF) "What's going on here?"
ME)"We were doing a promotion for that Phone retail store right there"
DARF) "Oh. Are those real race cars?"
ME) No Ma'am, they are simulators. You sit in them and drive them"
DARF) "Out here in the parking lot?
ME) No, Ma'am. They are simulators
DARF) Oh. Well, who's car is that? (pointing to the one nearest the door)
ME) That's Dale Earnhardt Jrs'
DARF) Oh. Well why do YOU have it?


I walked away shaking my head. The concept of a SIMULATOR just didnt dawn on her and she knew Dale was down at the track and was going to need his car.

Yeah lady. I'm a fuckin thievin weasel and thats why i got his car.

On edit to add that my story doesnt hold a candle to the funny stuff you post, Jmow. You really SHOULD write a book

[LynzM]

4. Oh. My god.

:rofl: Love the part about the tape from the poster and the foot print next to the lock....

[jmowreader]

8. This isn't good enough for a whole thread, but you'll like it

Yesterday's candidate for retail immortality presented with a five-year-old rechargeable trimmer that didn't work. She went to one of the managers (the one that runs my department; he isn't the garden department manager) and told him that she bought the trimmer there and so we had to fix it for her right away and at no charge.

I get a call to come up to the service desk "and bring that list of tool repair places you've got stashed back there with you."

I go up there and give him a list of about ten different places that I know fix electric tools. While he's calling them, she's telling him how she's going to call Customer Care and corporate headquarters and the newspaper and WRAL-TV to tell them how we don't stand behind our product, and how we should be able to fix this right away and at no charge because she has weedeating to do and her lawn is ugly and...you get the picture.

While he's getting his ass chewed, I picked up the trimmer. I slid the safety catch forward and pulled the trigger.

Whirrrrrrrr....

And she's concentrating on her yelling so hard, and he's concentrating on not letting her try to beat his ass so hard (because she was supremely pissed), that neither of them noticed that the thing is sitting there just spinning away like it's supposed to.

Turns out her husband passed away without telling her you have to slide the safety catch forward before you try starting the trimmer; if you pull the trigger first it won't work.

[trof]

9. Book? Hell, there's a MOVIE here.

Seriously.
Great stories.

[BikeWriter]

12. A guy brings a chain saw back to the store. He says...

I tried all day and this thing won't cut any trees. The salesman pulls the rope, starting the engine. The startled customer asks, "What's that sound?" :shrug:

[jmowreader]

13. Or Bush's next job

Fade forward to 2009 and we see that George W. Bush has started a new and bold business venture...striping road.

Bush ain't the sharpest bit in the box, so he doesn't know they have these machines that do that now...and he buys a 4-inch brush to paint the stripes.

On his third day on the job, the foreman calls him in to discuss his performance.

"Mr. Bush, on your first day on the job you striped three miles of road. That's not too bad. On your second day, you striped two miles of road. But on your third day, you only striped one. What's wrong?"

'Can't help it, boss. The paint can keeps getting farther and farther away.'

[BikeWriter]

15. Yeppers, that's about his speed!

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

10. Please, please, post this stuff in your journal.

It's just priceless. I can't even visit Home Despot any more without thinking about your hilarious stories.

[leeroysphitz]

14. Picky picky.

Tell him to try Wal Mart. Those idiots will take back ANYTHING.