Spouses/SO's with opposite-sex friends.

[LaraMN]

How do you feel about your SO hanging out with others of the opposing gender? My husband has a few female friends, one in particular that he'll go to the bars with (usually in a group, but sometimes just together, if others bail on them). I'm always welcome, but quite often just don't feel like going, or am too lazy to find a sitter. Some people think it's wierd/inappropriate, but I have absolutely no problem with it. I know his friend (they were co-workers,) and his occasionally hanging out with her when I'm not along doesn't feel threatening to me. I know some of our acquaintances have raised an eyebrow that I'm cool with him hanging out with female friends, but I don't see what the big deal is. We've been together for ten years, both of us have always had friends of the opposite gender that were entirely platonic relations. After this many years together, and feeling no "wierdness" about the situation, I don't see why I SHOULDN'T trust him and his choice of friends. Am I really being naive? I just don't think I am.

[Shakespeare]

1. The key for me....

...is that your husband is cool with having you along should you choose to do so. I think if he wanted to go out with her, but specifically didn't want you along, then you might have reason to worry.

[LaraMN]

6. Yeah, and I know she often asks him to tell me to get a sitter and come

with. We get along well, and I'm quite certain she's not "out to get" my Husband. At the risk of sounding cocky, he'd have to be stupid to mess around on me; he knows it's automatic grounds for "dismissal."

[Karenina]

22. It's a sign of maturity!

What a waste of emotional energy to feel threatened. Your acquaintances are just projecting- misery LOVES company. They see you self-assured, well-grounded and for their own reasons want to plant a weed of doubt. YOUR garden is well-kept and that poison ivy has NO CHANCE to take over!!! :hug:

You're SO LUCKY! I've remained single as I've not yet met someone who could understand/accept my close friendships with the opposite gender ranging in ages from 16 to 82. "He's playing his first solo concert. I'M GOING TO SUPPORT HIM! YOU'RE INVITED!" or "He wants to cook, tell stories and play cards. He just got back off the road and YOU'RE INVITED!" You don't want to? See ya when I get back.

Who can be everything and all to another? The BEST THING is the extended family ties these relationships produce. Hubby's pal would protect your kid's life with her very own, I've no doubt. THIS is our village. It's about TRUST and CONNEXION.

[eyesroll]

2. I have no problem with it.

:shrug:

As long as my SO doesn't try to hide his friends from me, or hide me from his friends, who cares?

[LaraMN]

7. Exactly.

It would definitely send up a red flag to me, if I were being intentioanlly excluded, and that's not the case. I don't know why other people get so wierd about male/female friendships.

[Shine]

3. LOL!! My hubby hardly has enough time to hang out with ME or the kids

let alone anybody else. Seriously.

Plus, he doesn't drink, so the hanging-out-at-the-bar scene ain't ever gonna happen.

I think it's cool you guys give each other so much freedom and you're not threatened by him doing that. Sounds like you've got a solid, trusting relationship. I don't think you're naive at all.

:hi:

[LaraMN]

10. Lol! I encourage him to go out. Especially if he's going to be home

late and won't be around to tuck the kids in, anyway. He has no problem with me going out, either. Everyone needs some space. I understand that, and it doesn't bother me. We're home together most of the time, so it's not a big deal, imo.

[plcdude]

19. my situation

exactly my wife hardly has time to hang out with us but I would not have a problem with it as long as it is communicated to me and I am always welcome to be a part of it.

[Ariana Celeste]

4. Doesn't bother me

Doesn't bother him either. We know eachother too well, I guess. And we trust our guts in situations like that, yanno? If he thinks a guy has a thing for me, he will say something, and vice versa. And we share most of our friends, as well.
Like for instance, we live on a second shift schedule- and our buddies all live on first shift schedules. So sometimes one of our guy friends will come over and gag some beers with me during the evening while my SO is at work. And if my SO is home, same thing. We'll all have some drinks or just hang out.
I know that if my SO had a female friend that I was uncomfortable with, he would take me seriously- and same goes if he was uncomfortable with one of my guy friends. Now if he was uncomfortable with all my dude friends I probably wouldn't be with him- because I just get along with guys better.
Hope I made sense. :hi:

[LaraMN]

12. You make perfect sense!

I agree that the "comfort" is at least partly a function of knowing a person well. Neither of us has any "having been cheated on" baggage either, so I think it's easier for us to be trusting of one another than it might otherwise be.

[scarlet_owl]

5. My husband's best friend is a woman.

It doesn't bother me at all. In fact, they're going to a beer trade show tomorrow.

[dr.strangelove]

8. I have a few galfriends and my wife has a few guyfriends

Its not a big deal.

[Ohio Joe]

9. Well...

If I'm unable to completely trust the woman i'm with, I end it as the relationship is almost certainly doomed anyway.

[AngryAmish]

11. All my girlfriend's guy friends are gay

So I don't care.

[Oeditpus Rex]

13. I consider it a sign

of a healthy relationship.

The eyebrow-raisers may not know what that is.

Pity them.

[swag]

14. It's fine.

And if they end up fucking, what am I going to do about it?

I will say that I prefer the "e" before the "i" in "weirdness," but that's just the prescriptive grammarian inside me barking out.

[jpgray]

15. I'd hope you'd at least film it

youtube would probably take it down eventually though

[FuzzySlippers]

16. What an interesting guy you are.

Tolerant about your wife's hypothetical extra-curricular activities, but still a grammar Nazi.:D

[swag]

20. Yes, it's true.

I am the greatest.

[enigmatic]

17. I don't care

It's never bothered me, but I'm just not the jealous type, and neither is my wife.

[Crazy Dave]

18. Out of respect and on my own...

...female co-workers and friends who are only friends I go to lunch with or give a ride home if they need one. Sometimes they call the house and talk to both of us (wife and I) but since I've re-married I don't socialize with anyone I've had a relationship with in the past.

[Dangerously Amused]

21. My bestest friend since grade school is a guy.

He became the son my family never had, and I became the daughter his family never had. He had his own key to our house, and my parents used to bring him along on family vacations, he was that much a part of our family. It has always been, and will always be, strictly platonic. To even THINK of getting romantically involved with him is... just so yuck, in the sense that it would be repulsive to get romantically involved with a brother. But I love that guy and I would take a bullet for him.

In prior relationships for both of us, our connection has taken some getting used to by SOs who cannot at first fathom that we can be that close and yet not romantically involved. But once they hang out with us a couple of times, they can see for themselves that it is truly platonic and then they accept it. And the SO is always welcome to come along with us at any time.

If a SO ever forced me to choose between him and my best friend... there is no way I wouldn't choose to keep my best friend.

Edit to add: I would certainly be just as accepting of a SO's platonic relationship with a member of the opposite sex.

[Ramsey]

23. I have a lot of guy friends

And I don;t want my hubby giving me shit if I want to go out with one of them.

So, yes, he could go out with female friends if he so desired. He doesn't actually have any so it's moot, but he could. :-)

[graywarrior]

24. Mr. Gray has lady friends and I don't mind.

They have a lot to compete with to get his attention. Course, if he does stray, that's his business and he has to deal with whatever feelings his gets out of it including guilt.

If he came home and confessed to me that he had an "affair," first I'd laugh my ass off (he's Irish and puritanical) and then I'd feel sorry for him (he's Irish and puritanical).

Besides, he puts up with my guy friends who are totally off the wall.

[Xipe Totec]

25. Kudos!

You are so right, at so many levels. There is no point in worrying about such things as faithfulness; it's either there, or it isn't. If it isn't there, then the sooner you know, the better off you are.

I have more female friends than male friends. I don't know why, it just is. I've been married longer than I care to admit, but I have never been unfaithful to my wife. Not even once. I feel honored and privileged to be worthy of my wife's trust, and the trust of so many other bright, intelligent women who have chosen to call me friend.



:thumbsup:

[Kat45]

26. I'm a single woman with lots of male friends, many married.

Some are old friends from before marriages, some are new friends. But in all cases, though it's the man who is my friend, I also know their wives and we like each other and get along. Sometimes I'll do something with just the man, sometimes with both (or in a larger group). One of the men was my college boyfriend, and we're still good friends; I know his wife and daughter and it's all good.

These women know what kind of person I am, and I'm sure they know I would never screw around with their husbands. I do not do married men, period. Even if I'm attracted to one, friendship is as far as it will go.

[Beaverhausen]

27. Ok- I'll bite- it's not my boyfriend I'm worried about - it's the women

My BF has a lot of women friends and I know that several of them are truly attracted to him. I am the jealous type and it's not that I don't trust him, I don't trust these other women. I am uncomfortable with some situations he puts himself in.

It's an issue I am dealing with and he is -for the most part- understanding of how I feel.

[salin]

28. have a great friend from grad school

we worked on projects together, shared tons of coffee, and came to be great friends before I met her husband. What a great couple - could see right away how they connected. He was as much fun as she.

One evening I learned of a performance at a local jazz club, called to see if she/they might want to go try out the place (new place, reportedly great chef - a splurge event). She couldn't (deadline), but called her hubby to see if he was free. We had a great time... saw some of her former (pre grad school) coworkers... and for fun he told them that I was his *date* for the evening. Couldn't quite tell if they got the joke - until he told them that she (wife) arranged the date.

Point being - it really depends on the individuals. Some people can not really do platonic friends - I have known folks who fit into that category. Others - no big deal. Couples have friends - each individual have friends - which periodically hang out - but since all is cool... no big deal. Unless you get that 'gut feeling' that something has shifted, than I would guess that you are not being naive.

[miss_american_pie]

29. Doesn't bother me

I figure he stays because he wants to, and when he doesn't want to be here any more he'll go.
Female friends or not. And it's not so much about trusting him, but trusting that I can handle the worst if that should happen.

[skygazer]

30. I think you sound very well grounded and sensible

My best friend in the world is a man - my SO has not yet met him because my friend lives in Vermont but he has no problems with it and I look forward to the day they meet. I hope they are close friends too and think they will be.

He's friends with some women though none that he really hangs out with. I wouldn't care if he did. I get along with his ex wife who he chats with regularly - she and I exchange emails (and I kissed her once but that's another strange story).

Trust and communication. It's what makes the world go round.

[Inspired]

31. The bar scene would bother me

It is my opinion that alcohol consumption and hanging out with 'friends' of the opposite sex is NOT a good idea. I base this opinion on personal experience. I was always the one who never cared, who didn't mind, who would rather stay at home.

I was very naive.