Does anyone understand the current rules of teenage dating?

[seaglass]

This is what I think I understand. If you hang out with someone, you're not going out or dating that person yet you're not supposed to hang out with more than one person.

If you stop hanging out with the person you just stop, you don't need to break up. So obviously there is no commitment of any kind. So then why can't you hang out with more than one person?

What the hell is hanging out?

I try to help my daughter when she asks about relationship advice but I told her I didn't see why she couldn't hang out with more than one boy and now she has hurt someone and I've given her bad advice (I think).

[ALago1]

1. I never heard of that dating code

It sounds more like your daughter is involved with a very sensitive young man who was hurt because she was "hanging out" with another guy. I don't think your daughter did anything wrong.

[seaglass]

2. I think she thinks she did something wrong because of the

"rules" about hanging out...it's so confusing.

[realisticphish]

3. "Hanging out"

is a terrible phrase. It's open to wide interpretation. It could just mean that you're watching a movie, or talking politics, or whatever. But it could also mean the prelimary to dating.

It sounds like your daughter thought it was number 1, and the guy thought it was number 2.

Or he's just an ass :shrug:

[seaglass]

6. I think that's the problem. He did tell her he has liked her

for 2 years (they've been friends for a long time) so maybe he thought she felt the same.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

27. Yeah... that's a big problem

If he's got feelings for her, and she KNOWS it, she's got to be incredibly careful about that, and in all likely, probably should just walk away all together. Unless she can reciprocate, it's not going to end well.

[leftofthedial]

4. my high school daughter hangs out with a big group

and at one time or another, a particular couple "hangs out"

the weird thing is, when they quit 'hanging out," they resume their everyone-is-friends status in the group. So my daughter is "hanging out" with a guy who used to "hang out" with one of her best friends, and they are all still friends.

Whatever happened to petty jealousy and hating whoever is dating your ex?

[seaglass]

8. Well, the boys definitely get all pissed off if you "hang out"

with one of their friends.

[Ava]

9. most of my best friends are guys

i don't like most of the girls my age around here, they are all too concerned with makeup and celebrities. i never had a guy get mad that i was hanging out with another guy, but i have had girls get mad and act like i am trying to "steal their boyfriend." :eyes:

[seaglass]

10. I bet that there are many girls that have more interests than

makeup and celebrities - sometimes you have to look past that stuff to see what other things you have in common. I also used to hang out more with guys but it was because I found when I was a teen that girls could be much more backstabbing and competitive.

[kay1864]

31. Hee hee!

act like i am trying to "steal their boyfriend."

What a silly concept. As if the boyfriend did leave her for you, he would be doing so against his will.

Now "flirting with my boyfriend", that might have some merit, and one that she could be justifiably upset about. But "stealing my boyfriend" makes no sense.

[Ava]

5. i don't get the rules

and I'm a teen, lol.

[seaglass]

7. Well that makes me feel better. I don't think she's very sure

about the rules either.

[elehhhhna]

11. Of course she isn't, The boys make the rules up as they go along...

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

28. Boys make up the rules?

That's a new one on me! My whole life, it's always been the women who make up the rules of dating!

[RetroLounge]

12. current rules of teenage dating?

Yes, the rule is they are too young for me to date...

RL

[Guy Fawkes]

13. That sounds more like "hooking up" then "hanging out"...

"hooking up," a term used to describe no-strings-attached "relationships", is extremely common at the high school level (I don't know how old your daughter is).

[seaglass]

14. She's 16, but I thought hooking up meant a casual sexual

relationship...OMG this is way too confusing.

[Mutley]

16. That's what I thought, too.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

29. "Hooking up" can mean anything from kissing to sex.

[Xithras]

23. "hooking up" = sex

The degree of sex involved with "hooking up" varies depending on where you are, but it always means sex.

[Guy Fawkes]

34. "relations" = sex

[Mutley]

15. I have no idea...

When I was a teenager, which wasn't all that long ago, hanging out just meant sitting around somewhere with your friends. :shrug:

[Ariana Celeste]

17. I'm 20 and I don't even really get it

When I was still in school... (hehee) hanging out was what friends or casual acquaintances did. "Hooking up" meant starting to date, the beginning of a relationship. And "Going out" is what we called the relationship. If any guy I was hanging out with thought I couldn't hang out with other guys, well, foot meet ass. And same with a guy I was dating.
High school dating is stupid, and most high school relationships are unhealthy. One person telling the other they can't hang out with the opposite gender? That's not a relationship, that's being controlled. I dunno I was one of the freaks in school, maybe my group of friends just had different rules. Sigh.
Good luck with your daughter. :hug:

[seaglass]

25. Yeah, she's a junior and hasn't really had a relationship

in HS except for one boy that she "dated, hung-out with, whatever" for 3 months last year. He treated her like shit (in my eyes) and broke her heart.

I'd rather she just casually date and not have a relationship now.

[slide to the left]

18. I fully understand and will explain it to you.

There are a few more levels of dating then there used to be.

The first level is "talking," and that is the hangin out that your daughter is talking about. You can only be "talking" to one person at a time. Talking also means that neither person has ponied up enough to make the real first move.

When physical contact becomes involved, it can be one of 2 things. They are "going out" or they have "hooked up." Going out is when you can call that other person your boyfriend or girlfriend.

When she gets older, there are even more levels.

The reason the boy was hurt is because they were talking and he really likes her. When she started "talking" with someone else, it meant that she didn't like him back. Guess what, who cares? If he can't be a man and ask her out/ make it official, than he doesnt deserve her. However, she should make it clear if she doesn't want a relationship.

On Edit- I worked at a summer camp.

[seaglass]

21. That, I think, is exactly it. And I agree if a boy is interested

in a girl and he wants an exclusive relationship he has to commit to being a "boyfriend".

I just feel bad that he has hurt feelings and that my daughter is upset and probably lost a friendship over ridiculous and unclear communications/expectations and my bad advice.

[slide to the left]

24. Here is what I have done a few times

I do a pre-emptive DTR. I will say things like, I am so glad we are such good friends, or even more directly, I love hanging out with you but you know were not dating, right?

I have had to take this approach after a guy started telling people we were dating and I had no idea that we were. Anyways, guys should take responsibility, but so should girls. I asked my husband out on our first date, and I have had to make it clear to guys that I was not interested.

Teach your daughter to be clear about her feelings even if it is awkward ( and trust me, it can be); she will be really thankful when her friendships remain intact.

[seaglass]

26. I think she was hoping that the hanging out would become

something but after 3 days of hanging out after school she wanted to back off, it was too fast too soon. That's when she was online and asked this other boy if he wanted to hang out. I gave her this advice because I didn't see anything wrong with it.

She did finally talk to the original boy because she heard he wasn't interested in hanging out and she told him she felt the same and wanted to be friends (though he's still mad). Anyway the conversation was awkward but she learned from it and hopefully will understand better how to handle a situation like this next time (most likely NOT asking her mom for advice). :-)

[Left Is Write]

19. My daughter never "hangs out" with girls.

"Hanging out" is something she does with boys, but it's not dating. "Hanging out" is something she does with a boy who is a friend, but not a boyfriend.

When she's leaving the house with a girl, she says she's "going out", but that only means she is "leaving the house for a length of time and will be back later."

When she's leaving the house with a boy she is dating, she says she's "going out", but what that means, in addition to that she's leaving the house, is that this relationship is or could be a romantic one.

When she's leaving the house with a boy she is not dating, she is "hanging out." This is obviously intentionally vague, as it could just mean anything. Except that she's not romantically involved with the boy. But it doesn't mean she doesn't want to be.

She's almost 19.

Is everything clear now? ;)

[seaglass]

22. Yes. In this instance I think the "hanging out" was a step

towards "going out" with a lot of misunderstanding and weird rules mixed in.

[XemaSab]

20. Tell your daughter that you have decided that she will practice courtship

Google it and bring lots of :popcorn:

Here's an overview:

http://polynate.net/books/courtship/part1.html

[Alleycat]

30. There must be different rules in different places

My 14 year old "hangs out" with a group of kids both boys and girls. None of them "go out" with each other. They are all just friends. When one of them starts to "go out" with someone that some one sometimes "hangs out" with the group but not always. It depends on if they get along with the other friends. When she says "going out" she means that she has a boyfriend but they never really go anywhere cause no one drives. Sometimes they meet at the local pizza place or go bowling or movies but the "meet up" always involves the group as well. Although my daughter and one of her "hang out" friends have already made arrangements to be each others proms dates so that they won't have to worry about if they are "going out" with anyone at the time.

So far the "hanging out group" has always stayed the same with the exception of new "going out people coming and going" They never really "go out" with any one very long. The longest my daughter has "gone out" with someone is 30 days. And the only reason it lasted that long according to her is because he was always grounded and she could never talk to him on the phone or computer to break up with him.

Yes they all do manage somehow to stay friends and the door keeps revolving. I can't keep the boyfriends straight as soon as I remember his name there is a new one.

I honestly don't understand it all either. I just observe from the sidelines and try not to be too un-cool!

[windy252]

32. I think I kind of understand

If you "hang out" for too long, there's a fear the girl will think of you more like a brother than a boyfriend. It never failed for me to be thought of that way. There sure are a lot of these type of threads lately.

[lakemonster11]

33. I'm 24, so my info is probably hopelessly outdated,

but I can vouch for the fact that our generation's dating "rules" are basically nonexistent. This is a huge problem for us.

In the past (as far as I can tell ;)), an interested person would ask another one out and they would go on a "date." After a while, if they enjoyed dating each other, they would make their relationship exclusive---they would be "dating" or "going steady."

Now, people either just drift together slowly or "hook up" (which in my experience doesn't necessarily mean sex---it can just as easily mean making out or even a sudden romantic turn in a friendship which may take the form of a long, usually all-night one-on-one conversation which may end in kissing and/or cuddling). "Hooking up" can definitely mean casual sex, but it can also be how long-term couples refer to when they first got together (again, not necessarily when they first had sex).

Unfortunately, this whole system leads to situations in which one person thinks that the person they've been hanging out and making out with for two weeks is their boyfriend or girlfriend, while the other thinks they're just "messing around." There's really no logical time to have a discussion about whether or not the couple is "going out"---and both people are often too freaked out by the fear of being rejected (and of scaring the other one away if they're too "forward") to ever actually bring it up. So neither actually knows what their status is as a couple, which leads to extreme stress and constant analysis of the other's actions for clues as to how they see the relationship. (It's the whole "dump them before they dump you" mentality---neither person wants to be the one who assumes the other is their boyfriend/girlfriend because if the other disagrees, it's humiliating.)

And, of course, this is only if both people want the relationship. If one of them doesn't, the lack of definition gives him or her an "out." They can just stop hanging out with that person alone or even start pursuing someone else and, when the other person's feelings are hurt, they can claim that they were never actually dating them. (Yes, this has actually happened to me).

The only real way to know for sure that you're actually dating someone (short of asking them), is to see them confirm it in public. If they hold your hand and kiss you hello in front of your mutual friends, you can be relatively sure you're dating. Or, at least, you'll know that all your friends will be able to call bullshit if he or she claims there was nothing going on.

It's madness.

One surprising difference between the old courtship/dating system and the new non-system is that while in the old system you could go on dates with multiple people as long as you weren't "going steady" with anyone, in the new "system" pursuing more than one relationship at a time is generally not okay. I think it has to do with the difference between going on definable "dates" and "hanging out," but I can't really articulate clearly why.

[seaglass]

35. That's it. There is no confirmation of status of the relationship and

it makes me feel sad because it just creates more insecurity than already exists for teens.

I just really don't understand what kids are so afraid of. Maybe it is that parents have tried so hard to protect them from being hurt that many kids are afraid to take the risk and put themselves out there.

When I was a teen and even older, the biggest deal was telling someone that you loved them (who was going to say it first, did your partner reciprocate) but to be so worried about whether someone LIKES you I think is frightening.