Getting In Touch With my Inner Bitch

[Gormy Cuss]

Christine Lavin fans, check in please!

Everybody thinks I'm a nice girl
And that's true
Except for one little hitch
When I'm not being a nice girl
I'm Getting In Touch With My Inner Bitch

Some people have an inner child
Some people hear an inner voice
Some people have inner calm
Good for them!
But me I've got no choice
Some people have an inner cop
Some people hear an inner clown
But I've got me an Inner Bitch
And it's hard to keep that Inner Bitch down!

I'll give you an example of My Inner Bitch, here we go:
...

I'm standing in line at the bank because I have to cash a check.

Finally I'm at the head of the line and one of the two working tellers
that day decides she needs to take a cigarette break so she looks at
all of us standing in line and she smiles as she walks outside and
lights herself a Virginia Slim. She's having an Inner Bitch moment. My
Inner Bitch salutes her but I'm mad because I'm still in line.

Finally the other working teller shouts that magic word "Next!" and I slip my
$50 check under the bullet proof Plexiglas barrier she looks at it and
asks me for identification "C'mon," I said, "I've had an account her
since 1976 just check my name, it's on file." So she goes and checks my
signature and she tells me it doesn't match the one that's on file I
said, "C'mon! It's only $50, I have to get my dry cleaning" and she
says, "Oh? well maybe the dry cleaner will cash your check, but I
won't!" And I realize I've been witness to two Inner Bitch moments
in the same bank on the same day. What are the odds of that happening?

So I get an idea. I say call the telephone number that's on file she
does and she hears a recording of my voice telling the caller try my
cell phone. "Call my cell phone," I tell her, she does and the cell
phone clipped to my exercise shorts doesn't ring because the
bank's walls are too thick. Instead my voice mail comes on and the bank
teller rolls her eyes and says, "Oh, I'm supposed to be impressed, you
have two voice mail accounts on two different telephones. I don't
think so!" And she slips that $50 check back under the bullet
proof, Plexiglas barrier. She thinks she has won. Her Inner Bitch
starts dancing!

But I find the bank manager and I have her dial my
number, she listens and then she marches me right back to the bank
teller and commands her to cash that check! The bank teller's Inner
Bitch stops dancing, My Inner Bitch does the mambo. And the bank
manager's Inner Bitch cha cha's out to the sidewalk and cuts that
Virginia Slim cigarette break short! Ha!

Some people have an inner child
Some people hear an inner voice
Some people have inner peace
Good for them!
But me I've got no choice
Some people have an inner cop
Some people hear an inner clown
Well I've got me an Inner Bitch
And it's hard to keep that Inner Bitch down!

...

Oh, I know there's a lot of nice girls here tonight
But beware 'cuz deep inside
Or just below the surface
An Inner Bitch might hide
And if you provoke her
You had best stand back
Oh, you'll never be the same
Once you've been maimed
In an Inner Bitch attack!

[Gormy Cuss]

1. Shameless kick.

NO Christine Lavin fans here tonight?

She is funny as hell.

[Crazy Guggenheim]

2. Love it!!

:popcorn:

[CBHagman]

3. She has a way with words...

I think the first time I heard a song by Christine Lavin was when the Chenille Sisters opened for Don McLean in Buffalo, and they sang "Regretting What I Said." Even at that time (about 1987 or '88), the song went further than anyone would dare now (See the original lyrics and you'll know what I mean).

http://www.christinelavin.com/00113008regretting.html

In more recent versions of "Regretting What I Said," the singer replaces the exploding plane with hot coffee spilled in a strategic spot. :evilgrin:

In fact, Lavin has a few songs she can no longer sing, like "Prince Charles" and "Doris and Edwin: The Movie." "D&E: The Movie" is below.

http://www.christinelavin.com/00081507dorisandedwin.html

But that means I'll post the song my father ought to have heard.

Representative John Spratt (D-SC), if you are on this thread, this is for you, too.


"Bald Headed Men"

Christine Lavin

I don't like men who exaggerate
About the places they've been about the money they make.
I like a man who is honest and true,
Who can look you in the eye when he talks to you.
I like men who accept who they are,
Not everbody can look like a movie star.
If you can follow this thought to its logical end
You can see why I like bald headed men...
mmm, I like bald headed men.

Everybody knows it's testosterone
That turns a bushy haired man into a chrome dome.
But testosterone is what makes a man, a man.
The more that he's got, the more that he can
Do the things that make the women go "Oy!"
I'll take a bald headed man over a big haired boy.
Big haired boys make very good friends,
But they can not compare to bald headed men.
I said it before, I'll say it again...I like bald headed men.

Oh why'd you waste your money joining that hair club for guys.
Why would you cover your manly badge of honor with such a bad
disguise.
Oh why'd you throw a way money on Rogaine and Minoxidyl,
When all they can guarantee are years and years of pharmacy
bills...
Please don't do it

I believe the hair replacement industry for men
is like the cosmetic industry for women.
A giant black hole that will just
suck your money away for the rest of your lives...
Please don't do it.

No matter how you fight it, time marches on.
Some new things appear, some old things are gone.
Let 'em go, it's a natural thing,
Like a leaf off a tree, like a bird on a wing.
Try lookin' in a mirror from a whole different place:
You're not losing hair, your're gaining face!
Be confident, be cool, it won't be long when
You are proud to be one of the bald headed men!
I said it before, I'll say it again...I love bald headed men!

(You may then sing a litany of beloved bald-headed men, with each name followed by the words "Love him!")

[Dangerously Amused]

4. Salute!

:patriot:

[CBHagman]

5. We're the few, the proud.

Lavin fans! :bounce:

[Gormy Cuss]

7. 'Sensitive New Age Guy' sung in the SF Bay Area -- priceless.

:bounce:

[progmom]

6. I love Christine Lavin

I've seen her on her own and with the 4 Bitchin Babes. Fantastic.

And the Chenille Sisters - how cool you would mention them. They're local institutions here, and good friends. One of them even cuts my son's hair. :D