This mornings laugh, I just have to share rofl

[madokie]

Hope I'm not in trouble.
:rofl:
A teacher in the BIG City wanted to see how many animals
the city kids in her fourth grade class could identify. She
drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard.
"Who can tell me what this is?" she said.

A little girl raised her hand.

"Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?"

"It's a cow, Teacher."

"Very good, Janie," said the teacher.

Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered
correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals, and was
unable to stump the class. Finally she decided to try something
a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread
of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "What does your
mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey?'"

Instantly little Johnny raised his hand. "I know, Teacher,"
said Johnny. "It's a big horny bastard!"
:rofl:

[obnoxiousdrunk]

1. Here's one...

A Texas cowboy was tending to his herd in a remote
pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out
of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in
a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL
tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy...

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have
in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie,
then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly
answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell
notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and
surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls
up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact
fix on his location which he then feeds to another
NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then
opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it
to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm
Pilot that the image has been processed and the data
stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC
connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex
formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email
on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
response. Finally, he prints out a full-color,
150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP
LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
says, ''You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my
calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man
select one of the animals and looks on amused as the
young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I
can tell you exactly what your business is, will you
give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then
says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant for the National Republican
Party," says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says
the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy, "You
showed up here even though nobody called you; you
want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
question I never asked; and you don't know anything
about my business... Now give me back my dog."

[vptpt]

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar

The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

[BOSSHOG]

3. Two nuns got in a car wreck

The garage mechanic sent them to a fruit stand because he heard Nuns traveled in pears!!

[Oceansaway]

4. Think Fast......

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large
farm for several years. He had a large pond in the
back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
and some apple and peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming
when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it
over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back
some fruit.

As he neared the pond, & then he heard voices shouting
and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it
was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all
went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond
naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the
alligator."



Moral: Old men can still think fast

[kick-ass-bob]

5. It's a big horney bastard!

:rofl::rofl:

[madokie]

6. Thats a good'en for sure

[sarge43]

7. New England joke

Hiram and Abigale were sitting on the front porch one evening.

Hi says to Abby, "Abby you know that thing Jacob told us about? You wanna try it?"

Abby rocks and thinks for a moment, then says, "Ayeup Hi. I'm willin'. You first."

Hi rocks, then says, "Screw you, Abby."

(Rock, rock)

Abby answers, "Screw you, Hiram."

(Rock, rock)

"Screw you, Abigale."

(Rock, rock)

"You know, Hi, this oral sex thing isn't everything it's cracked up to be."

[madokie]

8. Thats a good one.

[sarge43]

9. Thanks madokie n/t