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1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a
cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked
her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,"
answered the child innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher
exclaimed in surprise.
"You know, "explained the boy, "I leaned over and
went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank
you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a
drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting
into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into
Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and
out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says,
'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked
with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't
dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning
service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to
come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty
dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is
a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl
replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my
Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child,
my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to
get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I
replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her
tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said
to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,
"What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math
homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher
taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he
answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher
the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning
addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say
two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the
story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the
story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would
reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
"I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday
School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She
replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside
and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the
boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments
and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
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