Classic Navy Jokes

[HawkerHurricane]

A young Ensign approaches the crusty old Master Chief and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.
"Well," replied the Master Chief, "the insignias for the Navy are steeped in history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable but also malleable.
The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable.
Now, when you make Lieutenant, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars.
As a Captain, you soar over the military masses, hence the eagle.
As an Admiral, you are, obviously, a star. Does that answer your question?"
"Yes Master Chief" replied the young Ensign. "But what about Lieutenant Commander and Commander?"
"That, sir, goes waaaay back in history - back to the Garden of Eden.
You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves."

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"The Genie"
A Petty Officer Second Class, First Class and a Chief are off the ship together for lunch. While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first!" says the Petty Officer Second Class. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, a beautiful woman at my side and not a care in the world." Poof! He's gone.
"Me next!" says the First Class. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and a beautiful woman." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the Chief.
The Chief says, "I want those two back on the ship right after lunch."

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"The Chief and the Gunny"
An old Chief and an old Gunny were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career.
"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Gunny declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood soaked
sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.
"As a Sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.
"Finally, as a Gunny Sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a fire fight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"
"Ah," said the Chief with a dismissive wave of his hand, "all shore duty, huh?"

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"A Mustang's Hunting Dog"
A Mustang retired after 35 years and realized a lifelong dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in Alaska. He invited an old Admiral friend to visit for a week of pheasant shooting. The friend was in awe of the Mustang's new bird dog, "Chief". The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best.
The Admiral offered to buy the dog at any price. The Mustang declined, saying that Chief was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he couldn't part with him.
Six months later the same Admiral returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the Mustang breaking in a new dog.
"What happened to Chief?" he asked. "Had to shoot him," the Mustang replied. "Another old shipmate came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him 'Master Chief.' After that, all the dog would do was sit on his butt and bark."

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"The Five Most Dangerous Things in the US Navy"
A Seaman saying, "I learned this in Boot Camp..."
A Petty Officer saying, "Trust me, sir..."
A Lieutenant JG saying, "Based on my experience..."
A Lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking..."
A Chief chuckling and saying, "Watch this shit..."

[havocmom]

1. Needed that, thanks.

Hey, several of us were missing you around here. Things OK?

Glad to see ya back around the place.

[tjwash]

2. "The Five Most Dangerous Things in the US Navy"

Add to those:

"grab your cover and come with me"

"I need a volunteer"

"go down to the machinists shop and get me a squeegee sharpener"

[yellowdogmi]

3. There were a ton of those. Being an airdale

we would send the new AW's looking for flight line.... propwash...etc.
Thanks for the laughs.

[HawkerHurricane]

5. At the Naval Hospital...

they would send people after falopian tube.

On ships, it was the infamous BT punch...

[tjwash]

7. Or the sea-bat

[haele]

17. Mail Bouy watch

Sound Power phone batteries was another good trip. We'd send the middies that would occasionally come on board to the Electrical shop or Tool Issue to find Wogulators for emergancy repairs.

Haele

[tjwash]

6. Fellow Airdale!

[yellowdogmi]

11. out of Oceana?

[tjwash]

14. Fighting 114 out of NAS Miramar (When it was a Naval air base)

Miramar is a Marine air base now.

[DS1]

8. Send the boots looking for the key to the basement

on a tank ramp. Send them all over base, wheeling a tank roadwheel around looking for a working roadwheel balancer (why the infantry or F18 mechs would have one is beyond logic, but not beyond the question of someone fresh out of school)

roadwheel


Go get the 12" ground guides, left-handed smokeshifter, goatcarriage

[jmowreader]

15. Grid squares and pulse stretchers

Our standard newbie jokes in Berlin were:

* "Go get me a box of grid squares." Grid squares are the lines on a military map. One of our MPs took a map, cut it up along the gridlines, and put the pieces in a box.

* "I need a pulse stretcher." Such a thing does exist--but it's a 28-pin integrated circuit. I kept one in my desk drawer because the look on the newbies' faces when they saw this thing (they were expecting something that looks like a piece of medical equipment, not a little hunk of plastic with metal things sticking out the sides of it) was priceless.

* The EMHO report. We typed up this memorandum and had Master Sergeant Moist sign it. It stated that the daily EMHO report was the most important document the unit generated. It said that incorrect EMHO reporting was responsible for a loss of over $27 million in the last fiscal year. It said that any soldier turning in an incorrect EMHO report would be punished severely. It scared the living shit out of a lot of new people. It also gave instructions for the EMHO count: go to each subsystem and ask the subsystem supervisor for his or her EMHO count, then put them on the EMHO report form, sign it, date it, make three copies, put one in ORMA's EMHO box, one in the watch officer's EMHO box and one in the EMHO box in the comm center. What it didn't say was that EMHO stands for "early-morning hardon."

* Helicopter watch. This was the best one of all--for the newbie, that is. We only did this in the summer when it was nice outside, and we only did it on swing shift. The field station overlooks two lakes--the Teufelssee and the Wannsee. What we told the guy was that he had to go up on the roof (easy to do--a door opened out onto the roof) and look to the west because the communists flew helicopters out of Potsdam and we had to be vigilant. And he had to stay up there until it got dark. And, of course, the second it got dark the guy would run down to the watch office yelling "I didn't see any helicopters but you shoulda seen the sun setting over those two lakes!"

The best one I ever heard was the poor fucker at Fort Bragg who got sent out to look for a skyhook...and got caught by Lieutenant General John A. "Fat Jack" McMull. Fat Jack looked like a cross between the Pillsbury Doughboy and the Michelin Man and he had a very unique sense of humor, and the only reason they kept him around was that he was unbelievably competent. Good thing for him he retired before Dubya Bush was inaugurated. Anyway, Fat Jack found out this guy wanted a skyhook, so he got him one. Called the kid's battalion commander and told him that if his skyhook wasn't utilized properly he was going to fire every officer in the battalion's chain of command. Then he sent the skyhook--a CH-47 Chinook helicopter.

[necso]

4. "The Genie" sounds just right. /nt

[GreatCaesarsGhost]

9. four years in the navy and i was never on a ship

[yellowdogmi]

10. Gotcha beat. 7 1/2yrs. eom

[GreatCaesarsGhost]

12. lol that is amazing

i did go aboard the uss north carolina, but i had to pay a dollar admission fee.

[yellowdogmi]

13. I got to see several ships but

Nothing longer than a three hour tour.

[HawkerHurricane]

19. I met a Senior CPO Corpman aboard USNS Mercy...

24 years of service, and it was his first time aboard ship.

"Does it always rock like this?"
"This is nothing, Senior Chief, wait until we get underway!"

[mwooldri]

16. Speaking of naval jokes...

I have no connection with the Navy - either US or Royal.

This is a transcript of a radio conversation heard between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Here is the reference page: http://www.navy.mil/palib/questions/litehuse.html

This is one of my more favourite naval jokes. Naturally you can change it to refer to any lighthouse off of any coast and any other navy (e.g. French Navy doing NATO exercises in the Channel off the coast of the Isle of Wight).

Mark.

[Suich]

18. If you don't mind, I'm going to send this to a couple of friends in Canada

It just sounds so much like what shrub & co. would do...thanks for the laugh!