I'm feeling fairly lonely tonight..... (ranting) :-(

[Alexander]

Last night my friends had a party and brought some people over, without informing me of this until today. When asked, they "just didn't think to ask me over", or something. I found it kind of odd that they wouldn't think to, since they have remarked on several occasions that I practically lived there at one point (although I bought them groceries to pay them back for their hospitality), and they have told me on several occasions that I am indeed quite entertaining at parties, especially when drinking is involved.

A friend of mine in CT (I live in Arizona, but my avatar is CT because it's my home) said "maybe they wanted the girls for themselves" (the girls being the guests). That didn't make sense, since one of them is gay and they're just friends with these girls anyway.

But lately my paranoia regarding my friends here in Arizona has been growing - I have these recurring thoughts that they're just using me for their convenience and they'll forget about me at some point when I'm no longer useful to them.

On a recent trip we all took to Seattle and Vancouver, these thoughts manifested themselves in the form of dreams, and they bothered me one night in Seattle. This was worsened by a trip to an Italian restaurant, where my order was forgotten about, and when I went to talk to the waiter, he treated me with contempt until he actually looked at the slip with my name on it for the order. He apologized and I was polite, but the damage was done. It caused me to brood the entire night about how people might be trying to get rid of me.

After the trip, I felt better, until a few days ago, when I started to get cabin fever from staying in my house all the time and went out with one of my friends to a hookah bar. He basically acted like a total prick, almost demanding that I drive and pay for the entire bill, and he kept trying to prove that he knew more than I did on various subjects.

And yesterday afternoon I talked to this same guy online and asked if he would like to do something today, and he said "perhaps, I'll think about it." And then he gets drunk with these people that same night without even mentioning it to me.

My shrink, whom I've stopped seeing, is basically a refueling station - he just gives me drugs to take that get my hopes up, cost me money I don't have, and don't work anyway. And I don't feel like spending time and money to get another one that could be just as bad.

For those of you who have seen my earlier posts, you'll know that I had a difficult time making friends here in Arizona in the first place, and I was starting to feel better once I met these folks. I fear that if I decide they're dickheads, that I'll be back to square one, since the other people I hang out with are out-of-state and hang around with these guys as well.

I honestly don't know if they're really being mean people or if I'm just paranoid here. Regardless, I feel lonely as hell right now. The fact that no one's on AIM right now doesn't help. So, I'd very much appreciate any responses.

Thanks. :-)

[ProudGerman]

1. AIM name is ekscalybur

Anyone is welcome to IM me...even you, lol. I know exactly what you're going through. In fact, I'm in the latter stages of the same situation right now. I'm getting older and more cynical, so I figured I'd just return the favor to them. It works, but deep down inside, I know its wrong to treat people that way.

Growing up an Army brat, I've been in your situation so many times that it seems normal for me. I've developed a habit of not keeping many friends, you learn to do that when friendships are two year cycles. So of course, I don't think what your feeling is paranoia, but then again, I'm slightly biased.

[DagmarK]

2. HI Alexander.......

Well.......My general feel about what you have shared is I think maybe you might put too much pressure for these particular friends to be EVERYTHING for you. You have spent so much time at their house that they feel like you lived there (and I don't care who you are,........if you don't live there, but you're there all the time, there is a point when anyone is going to want you to stay AWAY. Cause it isn't your house! It's theirs).

You have taken trips with them.....

Sounds like you have been really, really close with these people and if they were mean people, you would have known that!

Maybe they just want to have a bit more space.

I empathize with you for having worked real hard to make friends with these people.....(you know, I am from the Southwest...and you say you are from CT. And I have to say.....when we meet you northeasterners .....we really felt there was a big difference between us and youse guys!

And one thing is......in the SW.....look up at the horizon and the sky.....and the vast spaces. People in the SW aren't as connected to the next guy as you northeasterners are. Like I have friends from the NE....and they stay like glued to their school friends for LIFE! In the SW......there is just a freer spirit. It's hard to explain.

Anyways, what I am getting at is.....it just sounds like you need to get more friends and broaden your interests. And that doesn't mean going out and looking for x number of new friends, like some recipe. Broaden your interests. Take a class. Volunteer at the food bank. Or be a dog walker for shut-ins. You know.....broaden YOUR horizons a bit and your world will open up for you. And people will come into your life. Not to mention that people who have varied things going on in their life.....are a lot more interesting -- their minds are more engaged.

The waiter in Seattle? Just get over that. Believe me.....if a travel buddy of mine got all mopey and sulkey on our GRAND TRIP to Seattle simply because there was a mistake in his order.....I would be really turned off! Did you turn back into the 7 year old that could get away with that noise when travelign with mom and dad? (Lots of travelers do, btw).

Anyways, stop feelign sorry for yourself cause that just puts pressure on EVERYONE to be focused on you, you, you, you. That gets old. Buck up....open your life up for some new experiences.....and everything will turn out great!!!

[DagmarK]

3. One other thing.......

If you shrink has you on meds AND your friends think you are a gas at parties where there is drinking........ Does that mean that you DRINK alcohol?

I can't imagine there is ANY drug that is prescribed that would be okay to mix with alcohol!

Not only is that dangerous to you......but dont' blame the drugs for
"not working." A pill isn't going to do anything for you.....95% of the work is up to you.......

So, to sound like your mom.....either get off the scripts...or don't drink.

[Alexander]

9. I don't mix meds and booze

I've been off the meds for a while - about as long as I've been drinking. So nothing strange happens.

[Maddy McCall]

4. Alexander...a few questions...

When you all go out, who foots the bill?
Who paid for the trip to the bar? To Seattle? Did you pay more than your share?

[Alexander]

5. We all pay our own bills.

In Seattle, we all paid for our own stuff, too, until some of us (including me) ran out of cash we could spend. So I borrowed from someone else, and promptly paid him back a day or two after we got back to Phoenix.

And at the hookah bar, yes, I did pay more than my share. I paid for him, too.

[Maddy McCall]

7. Ok...that's good...

I just was wondering if you WERE being used, but it sounds like a normal friendship to me. Having said that, I agree 100% with Dag above that you need to give them a little space and develop an independent personhood. Don't invest your whole being in your friendship with them.

Best wishes! :-)

[salin]

6. I have moved around a bit

and reacclimating is always hard. Fortunately for me, early on I decided to "get comfortable with myself". Meaning, find things that I like to do - alone, and do them. This was initially odd, as up until that point (through college) I had pretty much been an extrovert - getting my "energy" from interaction with other people.

Now I screw up all the personality tests, (like Myers Briggs) as I have developed both the extroverted and introverted parts of myself. I am darn near the middle on almost every scale they have.

My point is, if you can find yourself enough to be happy being alone (is there a certain genre of books that you enjoy - then go the park and sit and read them, do you enjoy working word puzzles - then find more of them and work them through...etc). As you get more comfortable being with YOU, then more folks will respond to you - and the crap that happens every day (such as a waiter skipping your order) will not lead to negative self-thoughts. It is all about percetpion.

I wish you the best of luck in your new environment.

[Alexander]

8. I can't stand being alone

It makes me moody and depressed, and it raises questions about my self-image. I become convinced that I'm just not capable of making decent friends and that I have no place in polite society.

It's really my greatest fear, living the rest of my life in utter solitude. I'd probably go totally insane.

[DagmarK]

11. Gosh......sweetie, ya gotta get comfortable in your own skin......

I agree with Salin.

I am like salin -- extroverted and introverted. I can do the big social thing or just go off by myself.

It's GREAT to decide you want to go see a movie...and it starts in 25 minutes......and you GO! If you have to coordinate with another person...forget it, you aren't going till the late show, if at all.

I even taking camping trips alone. I entertain myself endlessly. And it's a GREAT way to live -- not being dependent on anyone.

Ya think maybe a new puppy from the shelter???? I have two big dogs.....and I just love them. I never really feel alone.....but it's a big responsibility.

(and I am very, very glad that you don't drink and mix drugs. VERY GOOD! The way it was worded...eeek!)

[Droopy]

10. Hey Alexander

You might just be being a little paranoid about the rejection stuff. The waiter in Seattle didn't know you and your friends.

It's possible that you may just be growing and you need to associate with different people.

BTW, what were you seeing the shrink for and what meds were you taking? I'm curious. A mental illness could be what is causing your problems right now. I know a little about this because I have a mental illness and I take two drugs. Before I got into therapy, I thought I was constantly being persecuted by everybody. From complete strangers to people I've known my whole life. I have manic-depression schizoaffective disorder. The drugs that I'm taking are saving my life right now.

[classics]

12. Everyone uses you in the end.

> I have these recurring thoughts that they're just using me for their convenience and they'll forget about me at some point when I'm no longer useful to them.

Yep, they will. Sorry for not writing 15 paragraphs of head shrinker horse shit, but the truth is that people use each other for some reason, whatever reason, and when they are done they discard ya.

You can either learn to do it to other people, before they do it to you, or you can spend your whole life getting shit on by people who pretend to be your friends, get what they want, and take off.

The only true friends are usually those made in childhood.