Let's hear some jokes, I need a good laugh today.

[texas1928]

I need some. I am sore from bruising my left shoulder muscles. I have a deep bruise on my Deltoids and upper bicep and tricep. God am I in pain.

Here is a good one.

Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over.
His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that."
"Just put the jacket on backwards." His friend advised.
They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out.
A nearby farmer came upon the accident and ran to call the police.
They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?"
"Well," the farmer explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"

Here is another one I posted that dropped like a stone.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x4620234

[Heidi]

1. How about a dorkish cat photo?

This is my cat's brother, Barley, who lives across the street with my sister-in-law. Every morning, he's at my patio door, begging for whatever The Wiley and Excellent Cat Named Ginger is having for breakfast. :eyes:

[bertha katzenengel]

4. BARLEY!

He is clever and -- i'll bet -- insistent! I love that cat. I saw this long, long ago, before we knew each other, and it was my wallpaper for a while.

:hug:

[Heidi]

11. Oh, yes, he's _very_ clever.

He can snatch a paw-ful of Ginger's organic chicken cat food off of the plate faster than lightening. :eyes:

Here's a photo of Barley with his "frauen," my goddaughters:

[bertha katzenengel]

17. the frauen ("der"? frauen?) are beautiful

what a couple of sweeties. the one in orange reminds me so much of me at that age. Sigh.

[Heidi]

20. Ja, Luisa's my sweetie.

She's an excellent painter and smart as a whip, and a total "tomboy." When I first hooked up with Call Me Wesley, my job in the family was to walk Luisa to and from Kindergarten every day. Wow, was that _ever_ a learning experience. :rofl:

[Heidi]

22. It's "die" frauen.

I always have to check with Call Me Wesley about that. :eyes:

[bertha katzenengel]

23. thank you

I should, by heritage, speak German. :sigh:

The only German I currently know is "du bist meine Grosmom" - you are my grandmother (without the proper characters). Which I say to my grandmother when I see her. She doesn't know anything anymore, but she is active and alert. Visiting her is a hoot. I can't wait to see her in February.

Boy, talk about getting off thread. :eyes:

[texas1928]

5. So you have the good stuff in the neighborhood.

He just wants the good stuff.

[Heidi]

12. Yes, but I get in major trouble

with my sister-in-law when I allow Barley to have even one little morsel of Ginger's food, because then Barley doesn't want to go home to eat. :cry:

[texas1928]

16. Well give him chinese food.

he will be hungry again in 30 minutes.

[anarch]

2. here's an oldy but a goodie, inspired by your post:

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other hunter starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead."

There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a gun shot....

[texas1928]

10. Your's reminds of this one.

Bill and Fred were enjoying a round of golf one Saturday morning.
About the fifth hole Fred suddenly had a heart attack and died.
Later that day in the club house Bill was speaking with some friends and he told them that Fred had died on the course.
"Oh, that must have been terrible," they said.
"Yes, it was," said Bill. "All day long it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred..."

[AllegroRondo]

29. That reminds me of this classic

Two old men are playing their weekly golf game, when a funeral procession passes the course.
One man stops playing, takes off his hat, and bows his head until the funeral passes.
His friend says "That was awfully nice of you to show respect for the dead like that"

He replies, "Its the least I can do, we were married for 45 years."

[bertha katzenengel]

3. How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

One, dammit. :eyes:

~~

Take it real easy, texas. gentle :hug:

[texas1928]

7. I'll take your word for it.

OK

[Patiod]

6. A guy goes out on his front porch, and finds a penguin

The postman comes by, and the guy asks him what to do.

"If I were you, I'd take that penguin to the zoo."

"Good idea"

The next day, the postman comes by, and the penguin is still on the porch.

"Hey, I thought you were going to take that penguin to the zoo."

"I did," said the guy. "Today I'm taking him to a ballgame"

/thank you. Don't forget to tip your bartenders...

[Deep13]

9. Careful with that joke. It's an antique.

:evilgrin:

[Deep13]

8. Here's my favorite joke.

Q: What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield?

:shrug:

A: Its ass.
:hide:

[texas1928]

14. BAAAAAAD

:spank:

[no name no slogan]

13. Dubya, Rummy, and three Brazillian soldiers walk into a bar

the bartender says, "what is this, some kind of joke?" :shrug:

[texas1928]

15. UGH

that one was bad.

:spank:

[Ilsa]

42. I like it! eom

[ashling]

46. Somebody had to do it

now go to your room!

[NaturalHigh]

18. I know this was posted here recently...

but it you haven't seen it already, it's good for a laugh. Actually, it's probably good for a laugh even if you have seen it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you "Idiot on a Truck."

Idiot

[texas1928]

25. I thought it was going to be the Brazillian joke.

I really did.

[WilliamPitt]

19. Why are there no jokes about Jim Jones?

The punch line is too long.

[bertha katzenengel]

24. BOOOOOO!

:rofl:

[bicentennial_baby]

33. ....

:spray:

:rofl:

[Pacifist Patriot]

38. GROAN

[Patiod]

21. My all-time favorite joke:

A ventriloquist goes to an Indian reservation, and talks to the chief.

He says "Chief, let me talk to your dog."

The Chief says "No talk to dog. Dog no talk."

The ventriloquist addresses the dog anyway, saying "How do you like life here on the rez, dog?" and he throws his voice to the dog, and has it say "Oh, life is great! I get all the scraps, I can sleep inside when it's cold out, and outside when the weather is nice."

The Chief says "Hurumph."

The ventriloquist says "Chief, let me talk to your horse."

The Chief says "No talk to horse. Horse no talk."

But the ventriloquist addresses the horse anyway, saying "How do you like life here on the rez, horse?" and he throws his voice to the horse, and has it say "Oh, life is great! I hardly get ridden, and even then, he uses a blanket, and not a saddle and bit. Lots of nice hay - I love it here on the rez."

The Chief says "Hurumph."

The ventriloquist says "Chief, let me talk to your sheep."

And the Chief says "No talk to sheep! Sheep lie!!"

[NaturalHigh]

28. LOL...classic!

[GrpCaptMandrake]

53. That's in my top five.

Right up there with: Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks at the other and says "This taste funny to you?"

[Divameow77]

26. How's this?

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question

"Michael, if you were on a date--- having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."

"What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."

"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your
good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

[C_eh_N_eh_D_eh]

27. Bwa ha ha!

:rofl:

I'll have to remember that one.

[Metta]

30. If you rubbed Tom DeLay on the pole of your bird feeder,

the squirrels would slide off. Hope you feel better. :hi:

[Pacifist Patriot]

31. Just got this in an email. (Bush & OBL)

After numerous repetitions of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

[texas1928]

37. I saw that one the other day.

That one is funny.

[JVS]

32. How much will a pirate pay for ear piercing?

A Buck-an-ear

[texas1928]

34. GROAN

OH that is SO BAD

[texas1928]

35. Here is a good groaner.

The Government of China announced today . . .
. . . that they are immediately donating 50,000,000 doses of Viagra to the United States, in response to published news reports that America is unable to successfully achieve an Election.

[texas1928]

36. Read each line aloud Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twisters . . .

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat






































Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.


:P

[Pacifist Patriot]

39. What kind of wine goes best with chocolate?

Alcoholic

Okay, it's not a joke. It's just my kind of Friday night. ;)

[mdmc]

40. John Kerry walks into a bar

bartender says, "Hey Buddy, why the long face?"














ps - thank you... I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

[hellbound-liberal]

41. Here's one from Buddy Hackett..

Jesus and Moses are out golfing. When they walk up to the first tee, Jesus says"I think I'll use my 2-Iron." Moses replies "Are you kidding? Jack Nicklaus couldn't make it to the green with a 2-Iron!" Jesus raises an eyebrow and says "Have you forgotten who I am?" Moses says "Fine! Do whatever you want." Jesus takes a huge swing and slices it into a nearby water hazard. "Damn!" he exclaims, and then walks down off the tee and out onto the water to take his second shot. In the meantime, two golfers walk up to the tee where Moses is still standing."Look at that guy on the water," one says to the other" who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?" Moses replies "No, that IS Jesus Christ, he thinks he's Jack Nicklaus!"

[Ilsa]

43. So this grasshopper strolls into a bar...

and the bartender sees him and says, "Hey, We have adrink named after you!" The grasshopper looks confused and says, "Why would anyone name a drink "Bill"?"

[no name no slogan]

44. ....

:spray:

That's cute!

[0007]

45. Bet Midler joke - Irving and Flow

Irv comes home late one night and decides he wants sex with Flow.

After about a half hours of sex, Irv sez to Flow, "Flow you ain't got tits and you're box is tight."

Flow; Irv will you get off my back!

[ashling]

47. Hear on Prarie Home Companion:

Woman: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

Man: I don't know, how many?

Woman: One.

LONG PAUSE

Man: OK, One.

PAUSE

Man: Why just one?

Woman: I DON'T KNOW, IT JUST DOES! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE ! ! !

[bridgit]

48. A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator...

The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says,

"But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!"

So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says...

"Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

:D

[oneighty]

49. The well endowed God Thor

descended from the heavens one evening looking for some excitement.

On earth he seduced a beautiful young maiden that unfortunately suffered from a speech impediment.

Thor spent a very exciting and busy night with the beautiful young maiden. In the morning he returned to his home in the heavens. A week or so later while reflecting on his enjoyable visit to earth he realized he had failed to tell the beautiful young maiden that he was the God Thor.

He returned to her and spreading his arms wide he announced to her; "I AM THOR."

To which she replied; "You are thor? Why you thon-of-a-bith I haven't been able to thit down for a week."

Anon.

[DanCa]

50. How many repubs does it to make non microwave popcorn?

Five - one to hold the pan, the other four to move the stove back and forth.

[bridgit]

51. Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top...

of their car which read: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman seeing the sign stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign Or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different" the officer smiled, "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

[NaturalHigh]

52. A man finds a bottle on the beach.

A man finds a bottle on the beach, picks it up, and out pops a genie.

"This is cool," the man says. "Are you going to give me three wishes?"

"Sure," says the genie, "but I want you to know up front that anything I give you, I will give twice that to your ex-wife."

"That's cool," the man says. "I'd like a Cadillac."

Instantly, a Cadillac appears there on the beach. The genie reminds the man, "now remember, your ex-wife just got two Cadillacs."

"No problem," says the man. "For my second wish, I'd like a million dollars"

No sooner than the words are out of the man's mouth, a million dollars appears on the beach, right next to the Cadillac. "Just bear in mind," says the genie, "your ex-wife just got two million dollars. Now, what would you like for your final wish?"

The man thinks it over for a minute and finally replies, "I'd like you to take a baseball bat and beat me HALF to death."

[GrpCaptMandrake]

54. When George and Laura got married,

being Repiglicans, they had practiced abstinence. So neither was very savvy in the ways of love.

George, being dim in the first place, was particularly perplexed.

Finally, Laura said "George, take that thing you play with and put it where I pee."

So George jumped out of bed and threw his bowling ball in the sink!"

-------------------

A Pediatrician, a Podiatrist and an HMO Executive die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, Peter asks the Pediatrician for his qualifications. He says "I took care of thousands of sick babies and helped them live better lives." St. Pete says "Go on in," and looks to the Podiatrist, who says "I made it possible for people to walk without pain. I took care of diabetics and helped extend their lives."

Again, St. Peter says "Go on in," and looks at the HMO Executive, who says "Well, I made it possible for many families to have more affordable healthcare."

St. Peter thinks for a minute and says "Tell ya what. You can come in, but there's a hitch: you can only stay three days, and after that you can go to hell."