Parents : when do you let your children have their own lives ?

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

Here is my situation : I have the greatest boyfriend in the world no matter how pissed I am right now . We have been going out for almost 4 months now . But there is one thing : his parents treat him like he is 2 years old . They depend on him for everything and its starting to bring stress to our relationship . He is 22 years old , he has a great paying job , although he still lives at home with his family - something that I can understand . But his parents depend on him for everything - all that he earns goes to them . He has to play the man of the house - They treat him as if he is just a walking penny bank . His brother is LAZY and they let him get away with so much - but my bf they treat him like crap . I told him that he should put his foot down NOW - I have a feeling that this is not going to change . He told me he does'nt even look forward to pay day because he knows that his father is going to ask him for money for whatever the next morning . His mom won't get her license so she would rather have him drive her everywhere that she needs to go during the day . He is not their son : he is their damn fund giver / chauffeur / walking penny bank and I feel so sad for him - its bringing him down . If he comes over my place , he has to make his parents believe that he is at work - What kind of mess is this ? Luckily he is getting his own place at the end of next month but sigh ... its hurting our relationship and I don't want to lose him . Just need some advice if any :)

[Whoa_Nelly]

1. You are entering the Twilight Zone Codependent Universe

Be careful what you wish for... :scared:

[Robeson]

5. Whooaa nelly....you got that right....

....:thumbsup:

[KitchenWitch]

2. do your best to bite your lip until he moves out!

:hi:

Sounds like a nearly untenable situation.

[Dave Reynolds]

3. Just a question,

do either of you think things will be significantly different when he moves into his own place?

Perhaps a "wait and see" approach may be useful here?

[WindRavenX]

4. how does he feel about his role in this?

Seems like he's rather passive about it.

[mykpart]

6. How old are these parents?

If he's 22, they wouldn't be more than 50 or so, would they? Aren't they still young enough to take care of themselves?

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

7. They are around 50 .

I just don't get it . They are just too damn controlling and I am close to walking away .

[mykpart]

8. I have some experience with this type of dysfunctional family.

These people are going to be around for another 20, 30 or more years, and things will only get worse. If he's moving to his own place in the same town where they live, that won't help much. I hate to be so negative, but people like this will never give up, and the more he tries to pull away, the harder they will pull back, with guilt and shame as their weapons. I don't say necessarily to walk away, but be prepared for what will come. Too bad you and your bf can't move to another country, or at least several hundred miles away. Good luck.

[SoCalDem]

9. "Letting" children have their own lives is easy..

Quit giving them money, and encourage them to MOVE OUT!!

"Having your own life" means you are paying your own bills, cleaning your own place (or share of a place), paying for your own car insurance, gasoline, repairs, doing your own laundry (not at Mom's) going "home" when they invite you or when you call first.

Parents do their kids NO favors when they make it too comfy :)

Gotta push the birdie out of the next while he still WANTS to fly :)

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

10. Thats the thing : He pays for all of his own stuff .

For his car - they want him to pay for their stuff too . And they have another son who does'nt do anything . And my bf is a eagle trapped in a cage - he wants to fly . Stupid , stupid , stupid .

[LisaL]

18. It will never happen if he keeps on living with his parents.

First step is going to have to be moving out.

[SoCalDem]

23. Not so.. He's old enough to move out and should.

He's staying there for some reason..Is he paying their house payment/rent?

That's the most expensive part of being on one's own..

Maybe he's using those apron strings as a way to avoid going out on his own.. He may not be telling you everything..

and then there's the part about him being too young still to know exactly what he wants yet.

You may have to toss this one back, and look for a guy who's at the same place & time as you are..

Guys are notoriously slow to move to the next level (of committment, that is).

If this issue is bugging you NOW, it will only fester..

Good luck CP :hug:

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

25. He pays their friggin mortage .

He has to play the man of the house role and his brother and lazy don't give a damn . I feel so sorry for him . But when I tell him how it looks from the outside , it appears as if I am just being a bitch when in fact I am telling the truth . I think I will be better on my own . This is just way too much stress .

[JVS]

27. It sounds like you can either deal with it or break up

If people can insist on a policy of "love me, love my cats" or "love me, love my kid(s)", then there is no reason to think that a person won't have a "love me, love my extended family who mooches off me" policy as well.

[SoCalDem]

29. you already know what you need to do..

he's making his choice..for whatever reason.. and it's gonna drive you batty.. :hug:

[Oeditpus Rex]

11. They do this because he lets them

I'd wager this is part of a pattern that was established in his adolescence or earlier. It could be motivated by guilt or other issues; you may never know the extent of it. His moving out will not break it, nor will you.

No one can be controlled unless they give permission. Until he decides to live his life and not theirs, you'll be no. 2.

I don't mean to sound cold, but I'd bet this is the case, in a nutshell.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

12. Thank you Oeditpus Rex .

I have been doing some late night thinking and I think that I am not gaining anything from this . I don't want to bring him anymore stress - but I am so close to walking away and I don't want to lose him . But when someone has to lie to their family when they go over their gf's house , its a bad thing . And I can't be a part of it . Sigh I don't want to lose him but damn ... something has to give .

[BikeWriter]

13. Keep that perspective. Your B/F is so immersed in this...

he is living in a wierd state of reality. Only if he realizes this will he ever escape it.

[Oeditpus Rex]

14. It's a very sad thing, and it's very hard to do

But there are problems here that are beyond your control. If you stay in the relationship you'll just inherit a share of them.

I wish you the best. And him. :hug:

[latebloomer]

15. You nailed it!

He has to make the decision to break away. If he doesn't, he's not going to be able to live an independent life or have a relationship with any woman.

He could use a LOT of therapy-- it's not easy breaking out of these entrenched patterns.

[cynatnite]

16. Boyfriend has to be willing to put his foot down

If he's not, then you might as well either live with it or walk away.

I told my oldest daughter when she moved out it's either sink or swim. She'll do one or the other...more than likely swim like the rest of us that live on our own, pay our bills, raise our kids, etc.

Life is too short to live your life for other people and not yourself. Hopefully, boyfriend will realize that before he's 35 and still doing for them like this.

[LisaL]

17. He needs to move out and have his own life, that's for sure.

He has got a job, so he should be able to rent an apartment. His parents sound like leeches, and won't let him go on their own.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

19. Leeches indeed .

There are other people leeching off of him as well like one of his friends and I don't trust the guy one bit . Ever since he came back into the picture , its been bad news ever since . Thanks for all the advice .

[MissHoneychurch]

20. I didn't know you had a new bf

good for you :hug:

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

21. Its very stressy .

And its messing with my anxiety . And it should'nt be like that . But I think its time for me to let him be . I don't give him any problems at all . Its his family and friend who leech off of him all the time and he is so blind that he does'nt see how much I care about him . I feel taken for granted and the only way that I think that he will see how I good I am to him , is if I am gone . And thats a damn shame .

[MissHoneychurch]

that is not good

sounds like you are almost the only good "thing" in his life and he ain't appreciating that. It is really a shame. Maybe you should wait till he moves out and see how it goes. You still can walk away then.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

24. Yeah I agree with everything that you said .

I have some days apart from him and hopefully he will see the light .

[crispini]

22. Twenty two? That's not normal.

When I was twenty two I was living halfway around the world. I certainly was not giving my parents money. They don't treat him like he's two years old, they treat him like he's THEIR parent.

If he is getting his own place, that's a good start. But he needs to come to the realization that this is not normal and they are using him and will continue to use him until he stops letting them do so. One word: NO. He needs to learn how to say it.

Sounds like he has AWFUL boundaries. Maybe some reading on codependency and creating healthy boundaries would help? The first thing he needs to do is admit there is a problem, and that he wants to fix it. If he can't / won't go that far, then that's a REAL problem.

[Midlodemocrat]

26. He needs to move out and stop letting them take advantage of

him.

Speaking from experience, CP if he allows them to do this now, when/if you marry him, it will be a whole lot worse. He needs to stick up for himself and his future family now. Before he has one.

Best of luck.

[undeterred]

28. He may not only have to move out but also move away.

Unless his parents are frail and elderly, there is no reason they should be so dependent on him in a day to day sense.

This kind of thing doesn't change easily. Your boyfriend may feel a lot of guilt if he stops helping them. He should get some counseling and get clear on what kind of responsibility he really should have toward his parents.