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Sir, we all know the facts of this case; that Sapper Walters, being in possession of expensive military equipment, to wit one Lee Enfield .303 rifle and 72 rounds of ammunition, valued at 140 pounds, three shillings and sixpence, chose instead to use wet towels to take an enemy command post in the area of Basingstoke ...
Basingstoke? Basingstoke in Hampshire?
No, no, no, sir, no.
I see, carry on.
The result of his action was that the enemy ...
Basingstoke where?
Basingstoke Westphalia, sir.
Oh I see. Carry on.
The result of Sapper Walters's action was that the enemy received wet patches upon their trousers and in some cases small red strawberry marks upon their thighs ...
I didn't know there was a Basingstoke in Westphalia.
It's on the map, sir.
What map?
The map of Westphalia as used by the Army, sir.
Well, I've certainly never heard of Basingstoke in Westphalia.
It's a municipal borough sir, 27 miles north-northeast of Southhampton. Its chief manufactures ...
What ... Southhampton in Westphalia?
Yes sir... bricks... clothing. Nearby are remains of Basing House, burned down by Cromwell's cavalry in 1645 ...
Who compiled this map?
Cole Porter, sir.
Cole Porter who wrote "Kiss Me Kate"?
No, alas not, sir. This was Cole Porter who wrote "Anything Goes." Sir, I shall seek to prove that the man before this court ...
It's the same one! "In olden days a glimpse of stocking..."
I beg your pardon, sir?
"In olden days a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking, now heaven knows, anything goes."
No, this one's different, sir.
How does it go?
What, sir?
How does your "Anything Goes" go?
Sir, really, this is rather ...
Come on, how does your "Anything Goes" go?
"Anything goes in Anything goes out Fish, bananas, old pyjamas, Mutton, beef and trout Anything goes in..."
No, that's not it. Carry on.
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