Need advice on handling a former psycho friend

[bleedingheart]

okay...I am being mean...my ex-friend isn't a psycho...she is more likely suffering from a bi-polar disorder that is going untreated.

Here is the story...

I visted her about 3 years ago, and her husband proceeded to tell Mr.B and me that she was driving him nuts, spending all their money, being mean and all around driving him close to the edge...and he was close to losing his job because of her antics...it all came to a head when I saw how nutso she got with her little children...I tried in vain to talk her into counseling while I was there and I tried to figure out what was causing all the problems.

so...i go home, I make a call to her husband and I tell him..."look...get her counseling before she ends up hurting you, the kids or getting arrested"...this was basically my response to his plea for help...and I wanted to see her get help..

he got help for himself and the kids and tried to coax her into counseling...but she mocked him and picked on him and finally...he told her...it was all my fault...in the end there was a big fight and he ended up telling me to leave his family alone...okey dokey with me.

So after three years...I am getting emails from her and christmas cards...not directed to me...but she is including me all of a sudden in these email lists....this after I was ruled the great and grand pariah for recommending counseling.

Now I bet she didn't get help and I really don't want to resume our friendship although it was sad to lose her as a friend and not see her get help...but...I don't want back in that poisonous relationship...so do I just keep deleting and ignoring the emails like I have been or do I just email back that she should just leave me alone????

[Ellen Forradalom]

1. Take a wait and see attitude

Don't answer, that's all.

[bleedingheart]

5. I just find the whole thing so bizarre....

the entire time she and her husband painted me as the "evil person trying to ruin their marriage"...meanwhile he was the one that was bitching that he was ready to leave her when I recommended counseling..

[Hobarticus]

8. Sounds like...

he tried to stand up to her, she flew off the handle, he backed down....and blamed you for putting him up to it. You made a nice "heavy", being a third party and all.

[bleedingheart]

14. that is what my husband said...

my sweet Mr. B hated to visit them, it was always like a freaking circus, and he told me that he couldn't even believe her husband had been sticking it out with her....but when her husband pointed at me and blamed me...Mr. B said..."he is meant for her"...

[Ellen Forradalom]

19. There is definitely a "dance"

an enabling cycle, that keeps such folks together. No argument there.

[Hobarticus]

30. Oh yeah, they definitely deserve each other, if that's the case...

Co-dependency takes many, many forms.

[barb162]

2. just delete them, don't even write back; have ZERO contact

I knew a bipolar person for many years

[bleedingheart]

3. that is what I have been doing so I will continue to do that

[creeker]

10. I have a bipolar daughter(23) who refuses help

She broke off all contact with us after we told her to get help or leave.We offered to help anyway we could,but SHE is the one who has to do it.
A harder thing to do in life than anything we have ever had to do.

[barb162]

18. God bless you and keep you strong.

You have your hands full

[Ellen Forradalom]

21. Indeed

It's tough when they refuse help.

[creeker]

39. thank you and may the gods smile apon you

[barb162]

22. I meant to add that is not at all unusual, that help is refused

My friend had to hit rock bottom several times throughout her life

[creeker]

38. thanks for the support----so many of the things described here hit home

we are taking the "Tough Love" last approach---- she will get help or die from her choice in life.

[Ellen Forradalom]

40. Welcome to DU, creeker!

:hi:

[Ellen Forradalom]

13. don't diss the bipolar

When they are aware and properly treated, they are all right.

[barb162]

16. I am not dissing at all; problem is you NEVER know when they

will go off the meds or when the meds need adjusting (I knew the bipolar person for 30+ years)

[Ellen Forradalom]

17. So cross the street

when you see ANYONE labelled bipolar coming. Everyone else is PERFECTLY sane, you know.

[barb162]

24. No Ellen, that is not the way I am thinking about it

so please don't put figurative words in my mouth or overstate what I wrote

[Ellen Forradalom]

26. Thank you

I am relieved that I merely misread your post.

[Hobarticus]

4. I dated a bipolar...walk away. Trust me.

Without help and treatment, it's always a one-way street.

[barb162]

6. yes, you give, give, give and they take, take, take

[bettyellen]

7. if she's bipolar, she needed some meds more than counseling

and maybe she's on them now and is a different person. :shrug: . but just the fact that they threw you into their problems and then blamed you for them... well. i think i'd stay away myself unless i got a personal note from her or the hubby trying to make amends.

[pitohui]

11. meds don't always work for bipolar

sad to say, if she was on meds that were working, she wouldn't be trying to spark things up again with someone she declared an emeny -- at least not THAT way, by pretending nothing ever happened

[bettyellen]

23. if she were really facing up to her troubles, yeah i agree

she wouldn't do this pretending thing either, because that's a shitty- but all to common-- way of not dealing. maybe she burned a lot of bridges and is trying to mend them all at once, she maybe embarrassed at how poorly she treated lots of people. but there is a possiblity that she's on the road to sanity, and this is a very half-assed first step to reconcilition.
i was pointing out that counseling does jack shit for bi-polar people compared to meds, but yeah, who's dumb enough to think that these's a one size fits all solution? not i, buddy. not i.

[pitohui]

9. delete, ignore, block, do not get in contact w. this person again

nothing good ever comes of getting re-involved w. psycho friend, it hardly matters if they are diagnosed bipolar or they are just mean little drama queens all on their own, they don't change, who needs this in yr life

a few months ago i was contacted by a psycho friend after almost a decade, prob. the same deal, she has an illness but you know what? i am not a doctor & i don't need more drama, this woman has caused physical, financial, social, and emotional damage to too many people, i don't need to be back on her list of people to abuse

it is a sad reality that some psychos, when they don't have anyone near at hand to eff over, actually look back thru their old files and look up old friends to screw with

ignore, ignore, ignore

[LaraMN]

12. It's like avoiding eye contact with a creepy guy at the bar:

just do.not.respond.

[Ellen Forradalom]

15. Is the bipolar-bashing strictly necessary?

Some folks are on meds and in counselling, but it remains a lifelong struggle. This struggle is not aided by ignorance and stigma.

People can be assholes in relationships without being bipolar.

[bleedingheart]

20. I do not mean to bash bi-polar people....

this thread from my view was on how to handle this situation...

mental health issues are serious...in fact I really do think that my ex-friend will most likely end up having more problems in her life without treatment

[Ellen Forradalom]

25. Yes she will

I'm referring to the posts that *seem* to say that you should never have any involvement with bipolar people, diagnosed and treated or not. Forgive me if I misread the meaning of these posts.

Frankly, a person with an acknowledged, diagnosed, and treated problem is be admired. Certainly much more so than the person in deep denial.

If this particular person seems like trouble, don't answer, that's all.

BTW this person's problem could be something other than bipolar, like borderline personality disorder. But that's something to be diagnosed by a competent doctor--if she ever hauls herself off to one.

[bleedingheart]

29. I begged her to get help.

I had been recommending her to get psychiatric help for years but I fear she won't get an accurate diagnosis or help until the bottom falls out...otherwise it will continue to be a destructive circus...and I feel bad for her kids.

But I really don't want to enter into that painful situation again.

[Ellen Forradalom]

34. It's clear-cut...don't

By all means, steer clear of this person. You cannot help someone who won't help herself.

There's a world of difference between someone who has sought help and someone who stubbornly won't. A person in treatment accepts the illness as part of his or her person. That is IMMENSE and makes a relationship with such a person, if sometimes difficult, at least possible.

[bettyellen]

27. i didn't think you did, but i think alot of the responders are

bashing. you can see how personal it is to them. i feel sorry they went through that wringer, just as i do for you.
she's sick, hopefully she will get back to health and apologise to you directly some day. until then, yes, be very wary.

[Hobarticus]

32. You're not bashing bi-polar people...

You're not bashing anyone. You're doing the right thing for yourself. No one else can tell you otherwise.

[pitohui]

28. don't mean to bash and i apologize

reading what i posted, it could indeed sound like a bash

nonetheless since the person has already had a bad experience with this friend, and the friend has not apologized but is just pretending they are xmas-card exchanging buddies, no matter what the diagnosis or even if there is no diagnosis, the original poster doesn't need to get back in contact w. this loser

we don't even know if this psycho friend is really ill or just an unpleasant person so you are right, i should not have commented on the bipolar aspect of it

[Ellen Forradalom]

33. thank you pitohui

What is relevant is that the friend has been unpleasant, is being strange now, and is in an enabling relationship with her husband. It doesn't sound like there's a compelling reason to let this person back in.

[bleedingheart]

31. I am no psychiatrist but this is why I think my friend may be bi-polar

..she would have very severe depressive swings, sometimes so bad that she would resort to hurting herself in college and even at times resorted to bulemic like episodes.
....but then she is completely and totally UP UP UP... into a million different things, all over the place, crafting, painting, etc...spending money on absolutely every new item that came on the scene...(her husband was worried because at the point of the blowup...she was spending $800 a month more than he was bringing in on stuff he had no idea about)...


The depressive swings...she would call me...complain about everything and look for me to try and help her out of it...but then she would get moody and mad...resentful...it was a real rollercoaster ride and she really needed to get help.

Her first real attempt to admit there was a problem was when she quit her job...because she sensed things were chaotic...but that of course didn't help because she needed real help..

[Ellen Forradalom]

35. Sounds pretty classic

I hope for the sake of all concerned she gets proper treatment. It's an illness like any other.

[Ellen Forradalom]

36. A grammar note

"Former psycho friend" means she's getting help and much better, so she's not psycho any more.

"Psycho former friend" means she's no better, so she ain't your friend no more.

:)

[bleedingheart]

37. you are correct...I type fast and think later...

;-)

[masshole]

41. no contact for three years?

and now she's including you in emails, etc. all the sudden?

I couldn't agree LESS with the general consensus of "stay away".

Really now, what do you have to lose by finding out how she's doing now? She may be better, she may have got herself some help, or she may be finally ready to get help and that's why she's thinking of YOU again.

Write her back. There was a reason you were friends once, maybe you can be again.
What have you got to lose?

[Metta]

42. All of your concerns would make a perfect conversation.

They're all about concern, safety, protecting one's self and setting appropriate boundaries. All the best.