Now I'm really worried about my friend....

[Darth_Kitten]

I don't know if any of you remember...my friend with the arrogant jerk of a husband.
puts her down, saw hookers for years yet questions her about anything she does or buys, etc, etc. Guy blames her for all his issues.

Anyways, they had a fight (he didn't like that he didn't consult him with a purchase she made with money she got for Xmas)
the fight became physical and she came to work today with a big black bruise on her arm. :(

I'm getting worried about her, I told her that this has to be it for the marriage, it isn't getting any better. :(

[GreenPartyVoter]

1. She really needs to leave him

[Ptah]

2. Do your best to keep her from going back. n/t

[Darth_Kitten]

3. She was debating whether or not to divorce him.....

arrogant is one thing, being abusive another.

I. Hate. Him. :mad:

[Ptah]

4. Abusive : End it

On a lighter note:

[liberalhistorian]

5. That is NOT a marriage, that's a

prison and he's her warden. He obviously has no clue what marriage is really all about. For her own safety and sanity, she needs to get away from him NOW! He won't change and it'll just escalate from here. She deserves much better, she deserves to be with someone who will treat her as a human being, with respect, caring and sensitivity, and as a full partner. She'll never get that from him. No marriage should be a prison sentence.

[Metta]

6. it's good you're on top of this.

A word of caution that you may already know: if you tell her to leave him, look for her to give you all the reasons in the world why not. Counseling comes to mind.

[BlueIris]

7. Get her to a crisis counseler/domestic violence counseler ASAP.

She needs to leave NOW, but contrary to popular belief these things need to occur carefully (among other reasons, an abused woman is most at risk for being killed when she is considering leaving her abuser). I don't think that DU is really the appropriate place for you to be getting info about the help she desperately needs--so I think you should start looking at local resources immediately to figure out how you can best assist and support her during this time. But if you want my unsolicited advice here, I think you should do your part as possibly the only person who knows what's going on with her, if not as her friend. You could be the only person who is any kind of position to help, and you could be saving her life. This is not a troubling "oh, it'll just blow over" situation. This is an emergency. You should both work with experts to determine how she can best and most safely escape it. Please head to your local phone directory after you read this.

[Darth_Kitten]

10. No more excuses for him....

she's been debating on leaving him for months, he won't go to counselling, etc, the verbal abuse continued, and now, they had a fight. :(

This is abuse, and I told her that. :( She's been through a really abusive situation before so I think she knows as well. :( Maybe she just has to hear it from others.
I think she started seeing a counsellor, but am not sure.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

8. Good for you...

She should get out of there pronto and into counseling. She may need a restraining order as well.

Does her husband know you? I'm a little concerned for you. He sounds like a real whacko.

[Darth_Kitten]

9. I've met him once....

once when I was talking to her on the phone, he got all concerned she had a friend to talk to. :eyes:

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I'll see what I can do for my friend. :(

[rbnyc]

11. Wow.

That's serious. Now I want my husband to come home so I can hug and kiss him even more.

She's got to talk to a domestic violence counselor and get out of there.

So sorry.

[Darth_Kitten]

12. he's a real jerk.....

nothing justifies his behaviour. :(

[politicat]

13. That was my parents' marriage for 17 years.

She needs to get out now. One hit, one walk. There are worse things than shelters. There are worse things than needing a divorce, needing a restraining order, needing to move to another city or state.

There are worse things than starting over. There is the shame of living with being someone's punching bag. There is the shame of knowing that the STD you have is because you let someone who couldn't keep his works behind a zipper. Those kill slowly.

[rucky]

14. To get out of the "trapped" stage of an abusive relationship...

she needs a clear alternative path. some kind of opportunity that will boost her confidence and independence. not just cops and counselors - I'm talking a LIFE PATH.

she probably won't get help until that becomes clear to her.

I just helped my sister-in-law (and daughter) out of a similar situation - went on for years. What did it was an actual career opportunity, as opposed to her dead-end job, dead-end life. It took YEARS. Everybody kept saying "leave him" "get help" "call the cops" - easy for an outsider to say, and not really very helpful from her point of view at the time (though it's probably reasurring to know people care). If you really want to fix this: remind your friend of her potential and do your best to facilitate opportunities that help her reach it again.

[flvegan]

15. So...he physically abuses her, too...

How to help? Give me a map to his house...

Seriously, though, she needs to get out if it's at all possible.