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I just don't know what I am drowning in…self pity perhaps??
My life, which is a whole nuther bailiwick, is passing before my eyes.
My mother is either dying or dead and I don't want to know which. Have you ever heard of such a thing??
I have always said that the day my mother dies the world will become a very different place. I don't want to know that day.
Oh, I have felt this guilt before, but only when I am living in my hometown. I have spent many years in different states and seemed to fare well? I have noticed that I do things to re-create the bad feelings of my youth in order to feel alive??? How stupid is that? The anxiety, the fear, the feelings of self-loathing. I do not know where to go with all this.
My sister said my mother wants to know why I hate her. I don't know if I do or not?
I just know my father's death devastated me so badly I have no wish to see my mother dead or dying.
I saw a cat once all entangled in the grass beside my porch and I questioned about why the cat seemed so entwined in the grass, and the person said the cat was just trying to get under the house to die. Right then, I thought that is how I want to die, under the house, no one crying and no funeral no horror of my death. How much better to not even know if I am dead or alive.
I divorced my family when my mother started to become obviously sick and feeble. Not because I hated her, for which I have much reason, but because I do not want to suffer. I realize it is a selfish motive, but who do I live for? Me or her???
I have been walking around like a zombie since last Monday when I heard she was in serious condition, then when I tried to contact the hospital they did not have her name…and I attempted to contact family members and I could not get in touch…they hate me for good reason…so I went into a tailspin…I did not sleep all Tuesday night took a sleeping pill at about 4:30 AM and overslept..then missed work Wednesday, Thursday and Friday without so much as a call in to explain why and could not answer the phone. I went in today but owner is out of the country….and some how I really do not care. Today…tomorrow???
I am so confused, and like some other DUers do not know who to turn to???
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