Lounge Lizards: Need you input on a family problem.

[Radio_Lady]

My 43-year-old stepdaughter has been estranged from our family for years. Our last "real" contact by my husband and myself with her was in 1998.

Her high school graduating class of 1981 is going to have a 25th Reunion in 2006. A photo of her and her name is appearing on the "missing" list (reunion committee is looking for her) from the high school.

I am assuming she missed the 20th reunion in 2001. I just found this out from surfing the Internet.

Both her father and I have moved from the original location where she went to school. Her father wants no contact with either of his children, after we tried endlessly for 15 years to make peace with both of them.

Her older sister, who is also in touch with her (and we are estranged from her since 2000), probably has her email address. I have the older sister's work email address (at least, I think I do). I have some current contact information for both of them -- home address, telephone number, etc.

I don't know if I should contact the man who is advertising for the missing information -- I could also contact the older sister through email. Or I could do nothing.

Any thoughts about this? Grateful for your comments and thoughts.

[Texasgal]

1. I'd stay out of this one...

I know you mean well, but if you and your SO are estranged with these kids there is obviously a MAJOR reason. meaning well and doing the "right" thing can sometimes become disastrous.

[Radio_Lady]

2. Yeah, thinking more about it...

You're probably right. Thanks for your advice. Anything like this might be misinterpreted.

Nothing I have done with these kids in adulthood has ever made any difference with them.

Their mother died in 1971 at age 34, leaving my husband with three kids. I remarried him in February 1973. His kids were 14, 12 and 9. (The eldest is a male, the younger two are female.) My two were 3 and 2 years old. I thought I was going to be the "perfect" stepmother, but, of course, I wasn't.

We've finally scratched out a truce with the eldest, now in his late 40s. Regrettably, we now live 3,000 miles from him. The other two were lost to us during their late teens.

Ah, well. I always do this "summing up" at the end of the year. It's pretty painful.

Appreciate your taking the time to respond.

In peace,

Radio_Lady

[BlackVelvet04]

3. If she were interested in attending the reunion

or having contact with old schoolmates she would have made the effort to contact them. I'd stay out of it.

[Radio_Lady]

6. Thanks. Two votes for staying out. Zero for getting involved.

I'm adding it up tonight.

[proud2BlibKansan]

4. You might contact the older sister

if you do anything at all.

But if you just found this while surfing the internet, I don't know. It would be different if the reunion committe had contacted you trying to locate her.

[Radio_Lady]

7. It's three to zero... appreciate your participation, proud2lib.

The reunion committee probably wrote to the old address. We left there with one year of forwarding from the USPS. It's been seven years now. They probably got a FORWARDING EXPIRED notice, if anything.

I guess this is tied up with my guilt. Also, I've just been contacted about my 50th reunion, taking place in Florida in October 2006. I've kept up with my graduating class for many years.

I have to face the fact that their junior high and high school years were extremely difficult. All of my husband's children have been emotionally scarred by the loss of their mother. My kids are the product of a divorce, when they were only ages one and two. They don't even remember living with their biological family. My husband took over their fathering and they are very close to him.

Wish it were otherwise, but it isn't. I have to accept it on all levels, but I find it very hard.

In peace,

Radio_Lady

[hatredisnotavalue]

5. My two cents

My father abandoned me when I was an infant. Never got a dime of support from him. Grew up on welfare, and it is not the nice safe nest that the government wants you to believe it is, it is actually pretty darn humiliating. When I was 32, he called my mother and said he was dying and wanted to contact me because he wanted to leave me something in his will. I visted him twice (he lives about 1000 miles away} and kept up the yearly holiday calls and presents. Got a call last year that he was dying. (This was 14 years later) My mother had just broken her hip and I could not leave her. He died and I got zip in his will. What a fucker.

Your step daughter probably has some issues that you are unaware of. I wouldn't butt in. But I would ask you husband why these kids are "estranged" I feel that is the real issue in my humble opinion.

[Radio_Lady]

8. So sorry for your pain, and I hope you have others in your life who

fill the void. I wish you had been able to make peace with your father before he died. (If it's any comfort to you, I was unable to do it, either. My father lived until age 76 and when my mother called and told me he was gone, I didn't shed a tear. Later, I did miss him and realized he did the best he could as a parent.)

Reasons for the estrangement in our family are somewhat clear. I raised the three stepkids as best I could after their mother died, but never replaced here. She was the angel and I was scum. Deeply into adolescence, I wondered why I had taken this on, and now advise women who want to marry men with children: BEWARE! IT CAN BE A REAL QUAGMIRE! I don't think they have ever forgiven their father for remarrying me. We tried counseling, gifts, and we paid for weddings and the joint purchase of a home, while I was working and their father was unemployed. Later, we remembered each of the older daughter's children with visits and presents for their birthdays. But in the end, it's clear they either know nothing about us, or they have been poisoned with their mother's viewpoint. The upshot is if we saw them in the mall, we wouldn't know them.

There was a big blowup around one visit with the younger daughter. She was married and came into town with her son around Thanksgiving. My husband was invited to the party, he was told pointedly that I was not welcome. He refused to go.

It's a lot of stuff. I wish them well, but we are not in a good place. We just have the three children with whom we have a good relationship.

In peace,

Radio_Lady

[Radio_Lady]

9. Anyone else want to chime in--???