Shameless plea for smiles and laughs, please!?

[LynzM]

Can you post something funny for me, or something that would make me smile? (And no, not that damned brazillion joke again!) Pretty, pretty puh-leeze?

[chknltl]

1. This lounge has been rife with jokes all day long...

So what kind of joke do you want a dirty one?; A clean silly one?: an ethnic one?; a blond joke; you name it and folks here will deliver. In the meanwhile here have one of these from a fellow DUer:
:hug:

[LynzM]

7. Thanks, chknltl

Hugs are always appreciated, too, of course! :hug:

[bettyellen]

2. okay, you sorta have to picture me telling it....

this saleman is driving a dark country road, and all off a sudden a cat jumps out too suddenly for him to avoid and sadly, he hits it.
he pulls over and notices a farmhouse with lights on. in silouttes on the porch, he can see this house is home to many cats.
he decides to fess up and climbs rings the front doorbell, his legs brushed ceaselessly by a trio of calicos. a sweet little old lady answers the door.
he says "i'm sorry man, i think i must have hit one of your cats just now"
"well, what did it look like?" she asks
**rolls his eyes back in his head and twists his face and body into a flattened, twisted death mask*
taken aback, the old lady asks "Please! I meant what did it look like BEFORE you hit it?"
*he holds up both hands, bugs out his eyes, drops his jaw and shakes with mortal fear*

try it on your husband and report back to me!
:hi:

[LynzM]

8. LOL....

That's awful, but it did make me laugh! :hi: How's life, dude?

[bettyellen]

15. i know it's disturbing....

but to watch someone act it out is a thing of beauty. i'll make y'all tell me it to ME when we meet again. LOL.
i'm good babe. hanging in. gearing up for the holidays.

[bettyellen]

13. okay , now a dog joke ....

this guy is walking his dog in town, and suddenly needs to pee.
he walks into an empty tavern with his beagle Peabody in tow.
before the bartender has a chance to protest, both a $20 bill and Peabody's paws are up on the bar, and the man orders a dry martini and rushes to the loo in the back ....
the bartender shakes his head, and starts mixing the drink, when he hears an odd voice...
"one for me as well, my good, sir" the bartender turns in time to see Peabody nod and say "Thank you"
The bartender flips, of course, that Peabody can talk, and immediately he hatches a plan.
"Fella, doggy, can you do me a favor? Take this $ 20 over to Joe's across the street, order a Martini, and when you get it....
Spit it out and complain it's the worst swill you ever tasted? Would ya?"
"Done" say the dog and hops off the stool and out the door with the $ 20 in his mouth.
The owner soon returns, flipping out his valued pet is gone. The barkeep explains, and the man run out after Peabody.
He finds him, in the gutter, all over this girly-mutt, going at it like it was the first time. He is appalled at this, and exclaims,
"Peabody, I have never, ever, seen you behave this way before!"
The dog turns and looks over his shoulder and explains, "Well, I never had $ 20 before, did I?"

it makes no sense, but it kills me.

[LynzM]

16. LOL

:rofl: Crackin' me up! Glad life is goin' ok for you! How insane is your next two weeks??

[bettyellen]

20. my little niece is starring in A Chrismas Carol tommorrow.....

she's the ghost of Xmas past, then i have a party after that, and one Sunday and a kinda glamourous one Monday. oh yeah, then a sorta down and dirty one on Wednesday... yikes. Lotsa drinking gonna happen, which is why I'm home now.
After that, I have a Xmas eve with the nephews w/ a sleepover and brunch.... and an early supper with good friends on my way back home, and Xmas night with my niecey (the starlet) and her brother and her parents, who are very good friends. Omigod, now I'm scared.
And there's at least one good New Years party in town, which is good, because I'll be going through withdrawl at that point.
How about you? You got a circuit to do too? Is the baby old enough to know what's going on now?

[LynzM]

23. We've got a small circuit

LOL, I don't blame you for feeling overwhelmed, after having typed that all out! We'll do some visiting with friends while people have time off, and Christmas eve with my mom's side of the family at my grandparents' house, then Christmas day with my dad and his girlfriend and her kids. My brother's coming home on Wednesday and I have to pick him up that night at the airport, and then I think he's crashing here while he's home? And then I have to mediate the fact that he's not staying with my mom, if that happens.... oy.

The little one just recently turned three, so she's starting to understand. She definitely understands getting presents :rofl: "Mom, I have my birthday?" "No sweetie, we just had it..." "We have it again?" It's cute, though!

Best wishes to your niece, I hope the show goes well!

[gmoney]

3. Dude!

Give him a hug!

:)

Smile sweetie!

[LynzM]

9. LMAO

That second pic is so absurd, I am crackin' up over here! :rofl: Did you take that?!

[gmoney]

19. Oh, I wish...

I wish I knew who was the genius behind the ooompa loompa weiner dog... glad it could give you a giggle. :)

[SofaKingLiberal]

4. Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

And two lightning bolts strike them dead.

[LynzM]

10. Woo-fuckin'-hoo!!!!

:bounce: (oh, um, wait. I mean, that would be terrible, if their god wreaked his vengeance on them, and all)

[pokerfan]

5. THE VERMONT WILDERNESS

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with most people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

[LynzM]

11. Hahaha

:rofl: Hey, in Vermont, two might count as a wild party!

[bettyellen]

22. okay, i'm using that one....

:rofl:

[SofaKingLiberal]

6. A priest and a rabbi are standing outside of a bar

when they see a kid walking down the street.
The priest turns to the rabbi and says
"lets take him out back and F*** him."
The Rabbi replies "out of what?"

[LynzM]

12. I'm sorry....

Your avatar is so distracting I haven't even read your whole joke yet... ;)

[chknltl]

18. Clean but silly joke told earlier today:

What do you get when you kiss a sick bird?


















Chirpies......































































It is a Canarial Disease






























It is untweetable
































With that in mind.....






























Always practice safe sex...













































with alligaters...



































there is no known cure for.....






























Gater-Aids either!













another :hug:

c

[pokerfan]

14. Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his

own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

[LynzM]

17. LOL....

Nice one! :rofl:

[pokerfan]

21. A ten-year-old boy was failing math

His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room -- with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.

The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.

The boy shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"Nope," said the son. "That first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

[LynzM]

24. ROFL.....

:rofl: OMG, that's hysterical!

[chknltl]

25. sniff you didn't like my clean but silly joke in post 18.....

... :cry:

[LynzM]

26. Oops! I missed that one!

"untweetable" Where's the little rimshot smiley when I need him? :rofl:

[chknltl]

27. Ahhh... a big sigh and thanks for going back.

You may call upon me at any time I am around for free hugs. Please forgive me if I try to get a smile from you too. My work is done here....for now.

chknltl: short of stature, wide of vision, full of snark and willing giver of the free hugs.