How many dates should you go on before going "exclusive"?

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

So here's the deal...

It's nice to think about a good problem after the way the rest of 2005 has been for me, so please, don't take this as complaining in ANY way at all.

So, I've been out with one girl twice so far. Let's call her Abbye (not her real name). I've got a third date with her tonight, and things are going really well so far. On the other hand, I just had a lunch date (first date) with another girl, named Linda (again, not real name). That went really well. Things just really clicked and I'd definitely see her again (which is a big deal, because I've been on a very strict one-date policy, where if I have any questions about whether or not I'd like to date someone again, I don't do it).

Here's where problems may arise. Both Linda and I are going away on Monday (me to Italy and her home for the holidays). Abbye will be staying here. I'm not sure when Linda gets, but I'll be back a couple of days after Christmas. So, the problem that arises is that I'm probably going to have already have a fourth date with Abbye before I'll even get to a second date with Linda, unless I can pull off a miracle and get Linda out again before we both leave (which is quite unlikely, but would solve my problem right there).

At any rate, I am NOT a "player" and have no intentions whatsoever of becoming one. I feel bad enough about dating more than one person at a time, but that's really just me and I know there are no real moral problems with that. But how many dates can you go on with someone before you're expected to be exclusive? Again, I'm not complaining in any way and would be very happy if things worked out with Abbye (and there's a strong chance I would pick her in any event), but at the same time, I did have a really good time with Linda and would like to see if that has any legs too.

Again, it's a good problem to have and am in no way complaining. But any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[Samurai_Writer]

1. Why do you have to be exclusive with anyone???

As long as you are honest and upfront about dating more than one person, who says you HAVE to choose???

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

2. Firstly, they might not really be open to that.

And secondly, I'm not that kind of guy. I don't want to be that kind of guy. I vastly prefer having a girlfriend and being exclusive.

[purr]

3. Did you tell them about the other?

Just out of curiosity. I never went out on dates with more than one person at a time so I really cant give you any constructive advice.

Say you fall for Abbye, what would you say to Linda? or vice versa? That would be my only issue if I did that. One of them is going to potentially be 'hurt' in the end.

I say you go for what your heart tells you. If you think Abbye is it, then go for her. If you have the slightest doubt, then I'd be reconsidering.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

4. No, I haven't told them.

If it were anywhere near that serious, I'd do it, but I don't feel any obligation. Especially being that i met them both through a dating website, I'm working on the assumption they're seeing other people too.

If I were to fall for one or the other, I'd just tell them the truth - that I do really like them, but I've become exclusive with someone else. The hurt part is why I want to know when it becomes expected to be exclusive, because I don't want to really hurt anyone's feelings. If I were to not want to be with either right now, I really wouldn't expect any hurt feelings at all at this point. It's waaaaay too early to really make an attachment like that, but I want to know how long before such an attachment is made, which is why I'm asking.

As for making a choice, I don't feel like I'd be compromising at all if I was to be exclusive with Abbye. I do really like her to this point. I just also happen to like Linda so far and would like to be able to weigh my options and make a more informed decision, you know?

[Loonman]

5. If you did not broach the subject of exclusivity with A,

You are free as a bird. Choose your words carefully when the time comes, anything you say can and will be held against you.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

7. I haven't yet - like I said, it's only been 2 dates so far

with the third being tonight. The problem is that I won't have an opportunity for date 2 with Linda until probably after date 4 with Abbye, which is why I'm asking.

I don't anticipate bringing the subject up, but if she does, I won't shy away at all as of right now and I'd end things with Linda. Like I said, I have NO intentions of being a player and I wouldn't feel like I was compromising anything being with Abbye, I'd just like to be able to make an informed decision, ya know?

[MissMillie]

6. I wouldn't expect to be exclusive this early in the relationship

when it gets beyond dating, (into sex and future plans) then you need to think about exclusivity.

Then again, it's best to talk to the other parties involved. Certainly they should be given the chance to "opt out" if they don't see things the way you do.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

10. I agree...

But I'm just trying to gauge how much time I have before I get to that point. I'm certainly not there yet, but it is coming... I just want to know if I'm going to have the time to get a good read on Linda before I would reasonably be expected to commit to Abbye.

[MissMillie]

11. I would say at least 3 months.

But time isn't really the important factor. What you really need to take into account is whether you want to stick w/ just one person, or if you're at a stage in your life where you'd rather date around (mind you, I didn't say "sleep around").

And you need to think about how the other person(s) feel(s).

I don't think, however, that 3 or four dates puts you in a position where you need to have big heavy important discussions about where your relationship is going. 3 or 4 or 5 or even 10 dates.... that's not what I call serious.

[Heidi]

8. Until engagement, date however many people you want,

and be clear that this is what you're doing. :shrug:

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

9. Yeah, I'm not going to do that.

I'm very much a monogamous person and would never do that. I feel bad I'm dating more than one person at a time now, even though there is absolutely no reason for me to feel that way.