Christmas time blues

[Giant Robot]

I'm not sure what I need from you folks tonight, but this has become more apparent to me, so I need to do something with it. I've been getting really moody around the holidays for the past few years and I'm not sure what to do about it, because I just don't like it any more.

Christmas was always a big deal in my house growing up. The tree, lights, presents, the meal, family together, etc. it was so Norman Rockwell-ish it's frightening. And it was also the one time of year we acted like a loving family, even though mom and dad barely spoke to each other most of the time, or my brother tried to find any excuse to get out of the house, or whatever. When it was good, it was so damn good. And my dad, God how he loved this time of year. He would watch the Thanksgiving Day parade to see Santa Claus. It was so sweet! And dad had a good paying job then, so there were presents all over! If either my brother or I brought a girlfriend home on Christmas they had a pile too and were treated just like one of the family. Like I said, when we were good, we were so damn good.

Then dad lost his job. Then he and mom divorced, and I had to navigate who to spend time with. And it felt like mom opened up more after the divorce, but dad seemed to slowly shut down. And Christmas became more of a struggle, or a chore to deal with. Then, three years ago, my sainted father lost his brief fight with cancer and passed away. I can truly point to that moment as being the final blow to my Christmas spirit. Since then, I have rarely felt like decorating, or doing any family things that I had little enthusiasm for before then already. And we are pretty poor right now, so presents are almost non-existent. That may be something to do with it, but I just miss having some Christmas joy. I know dad would want me to keep up celebrating this time of year but I find myself at a loss to do so.

I don't know what I need from you all, like I said. Maybe just saying it out loud is enough, but I want to feel different around now. I know things can't go back to that time of old for so many important reasons. That's ok with me, but what's not ok is not knowing what to do with what I am feeling now. So please share your thoughts with me, or special traditions you have, or anything at all really. It may help. Thanks.

[tjdee]

1. Are there any children you can see or charity work you can do?

First, :hug: .

I had been not into Christmas, but having the kiddo makes it more exciting--she gets really excited, and it rubs off.

Generally, I think a good solution to internal problems is to help other people. The natural inclination is to turn inward, which sometimes helps, but it can sometimes just be a painful echo chamber.

Can you get involved in some kind of charity thing you'd be willing to help with?

[Redstone]

10. tjdee is right. Have kids. If you can't, VOLUNTEER!

Volunteering will do the trick.

Redstone

[TallahasseeGrannie]

2. No, you can never go back

and that is something that even folks who are doing fine right now have to deal with as we get older.

I have a suggestion. Sometimes it helps to lose yourself in helping other people. Since you can't get the feeling back, don't try. See if you can go to a shelter and work, or a community dinner... anything to give. It always helps me.

Also, special Christmases don't have to involve a lot of money. You can make your own traditions..it might be something as simple as going to the park, or even a movie. Don't try and bring back what you had. Cherish those memories and make your own. It will never be as sweet, because our childhood has a sweetness of its own, even when it isn't so hot. But it can be good.

[Giant Robot]

3. Thank you for your good wishes

Something to know about me. I am a counselor on a 24 hour crisis hotline (actually I'm at work right now). I talk with people who are suicidal, strung out, homeless, struggling with a serious mental illness, who have been battered, etc. Giving of myself like you are suggesting is not necessarily what I want to do with my time away from here. I may try it out and love it, but it seems like it would be too much like my work right now, and I am struggling to be here tonight because of how I am feeling. I know I can't turn back time and have it that way again, but I want something there.

[CBHagman]

4. Bless you, friend.

I hope you can find something that works for you, and I would recommend experimentation. There are no right or wrong answers here, just finding a way to observe the time.

I don't mean to put it in such cold terms. But as you probably already know, there are a lot of us out here having non-traditional Christmas. Maybe you could get together with friends (I went to a casual Christmas Night potluck last year, and that had just the right touch) or find a church where you feel comfortable, or think up a new tradition of some sort.

No matter what, though, you have my good wishes and perhaps a little bit of understanding of how you feel.

[mac56]

5. Like CB said, bless you.

Something you already know from your crisis line work: sometimes there are just stretches in life that are worse than most. Most times the only way through them is to go straight through them, and to give yourself credit for getting through them. I'm not saying it'll be candy cane lane on the other side, but time and perspective sometimes helps a lot. Not sure this helps, but please know there are people out here who can empathize with what you're going through.

[crispini]

6. Wow. You have a heavy job.

I don't know quite what to say about Christmas, because my desire to have a big, shiny happy Christmas wore off long ago, and I'm satisfied with "Good enough" on that front. However, if I may make one suggestion, I was just reading in Yoga Journal today about a person in a job similar to yours who was able to use yoga to avert a job burnout (the whole article was about work). Anyway I'm sure you know this but for me it's vitally important to have that time on the mat which is a physical workout and a mental workout and a prayer, all in one. That is the thing that keeps me sane. :) I hope you have something like that in your life.

[Giant Robot]

8. Everyone I talk that hasn't seen me in a few years

gives me the same reaction when I talk about my job. They look at me like I just told them I was having a sex change surgery. No one can believe that I would want to do something like that. But I was always a bleeding heart deep down.

I don't know what I do to care for myself. I just kind of exist. Actually I read a lot and play video games. I know I need more physical activity in my life, and am interested in yoga, but haven't gotten my lazy butt up off the couch yet.

I don't know what to do for Christmas, if that will help. I feel like I need new traditions but the thought starts there and never goes anywhere else. My wife and I have started going to midnight mass, and it really is beautiful at the church we go to. And spending time with my mom is nice, and I should be a good son and call her more often. But that's just it; it's "nice" not magical. And maybe I need to get over that hump too and adjust my perspective. I don't know. Trying new things can't hurt, so that's another reason why I come to you fine folks. That and it does help just to give these feelings form and shape in writing.

[InkAddict]

7. Feed the Birds -- no really

and watch them at the feeder - See how they peck and joust for position

or buy some corn and go out into the (snowy?) woods in the park and feed the geese and ducks - change their directions, encourage the slow swimmers, scare the "guard" goose and honk back. He stole my kids' mitten right off her hand one year.

The woods are lovely, dark & deep
But I have miles to go before I sleep

The stillness of nature may awaken your spirit - Love & wishes for Joy Noel. Things are not the same as then, but sweet nostalgia may bring smiles in the stillness of the forest.

[RevCheesehead]

9. I understand how your job can drain you at times.

Believe me, I've been there. :hug:

The magic may never come back... or maybe it will, but it will always be different from what you remember.

I find myself reclaiming old memories when I decorate my house and my tree, putting up ornaments that once belonged to my parents or grandma. But they're always in context of my life, which is far removed from what I grew up with.

Christmas is often a lonely time for people - whether you live alone, with a spouse or SO, or a large family. The constant reminder of the season thru ads, etc., often makes things seem worse.

I'd recommend not trying to make Christmas into a memory from the past. Instead, look at what you have, and what you are grateful for, and build your own memories. (I've started opening my Christmas cards on Dec. 25, when I have much more time to savor each message.)

Find your own path, keep what you want, discard what you don't want, and be very good to yourself.

[Giant Robot]

11. I've been trying Rev

Thanks for your kindness. I've been trying to come up with new traditions to make Christmas my own now, instead of just trying to keep re-do the same Christmas from when I was younger. I think I can have that same magic back, but it will be in a different form. I just need some help figuring out what form that will be. But I do have hope for this. I think one of the qualities of being a good crisis line worker is a certain amount of stubbornness, which I am pretty sure I possess. I'll get there, I just need a little help now and again.

[rug]

12. I don't think it's Christmas you miss.

It's yout family. I miss them too. Hug your wife.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

13. ...

:hug::hug:

I'm so sorry you feel that way. I'm only a young'un myself, so I don't have any world experiences to share with you, but I can certainly feel your pain. What always makes me feel more cheery is to listen to some Christmas music. Cheesy, I know, and I don't even really consider myself a Christian, but for some reason, it works. It might work for you; I wouldn't know. Just a suggestion.

I also use Christmas as the time of year just to remind people I love them. Even people I've been arguing with. Even people I've just met. Just hanging out with friends and family and confidantes and whatever makes me feel better, even when I'm lonely, which can be fairly often sometimes.

[Giant Robot]

14. I like Christmas music!

Although I have to fight with my wife to play it. She works in retail and gets inundated with it at work. Hearing old Christmas tunes makes me smile, Bing Crosby, Johnny Mathis, etc. And thank you, but just because you are younger than I, does not mean you have any more or less wisdom than I do. It just means you are younger. That's it.

I miss my dad so much too. He was Christmas in some ways. I will have a good cry with my wife for him. I'm putting up a new picture of him that I just got from his former employer. It was sweet that Dave(employer) remembered and thought to give this to me. Bless you all.