Mick Jagger for President

[klebean]

Of course, being a Brit it would not be possible in the real world, but...
This is a fun read. My friend writes a feature column for his local paper
and they actually published this, swear words included. Enjoy!
------------------------

Mick Jagger for President

Last Monday I read that the Rolling Stones were again touring in California. Years ago I thought I’d forever lost my chance when I missed their concert at the Rose Bowl. Back then, it cynically seemed the Stones could never possibly live long enough to tour again. But Mick Jagger and Keith Richards possess an age-defying vitality which apparently provides them all sorts of youthful powers.

Sensing the redemption of a second chance, I headed to the web, ready for a gouging on last minute seats. Rest assured, the free market system is alive and prosperously well for scalped Rolling Stones tickets.

Not everyone is a Stones fan. Grandparents retain bitter memories of those nasty English hoods who corrupted their sons and sexualized their daughters. Fundamentalist music types forever cast the Stones as evil and beatify the Beatles. But no matter where you stand, this much is certain: while most rock legends have long been buried - the Rolling Stones continue to amaze their fans and kick butt on their younger rivals.

-----

So last Tuesday night Carrie and I drove off under threateningly cloudy skies to see the death-defying Stones at the Hollywood Bowl. We cranked up their newest album, “A Bigger Bang” and gyrated in agreement with “Sweet Neo Con” - Mick Jagger’s raspy condemnation of George Bush’s death-provoking administration:

You call yourself a Christian
I think that you're a hypocrite
You say you are a patriot
I think that you're a crock of shit

It's liberty for all
'Cause democracy's our style
Unless you are against us
Then it's prison without trial

But one thing that is certain
Life is good at Haliburton
If you're really so astute
You should invest at Brown & Root

We must have lots more bases
To protect us from our foes
Who needs these foolish friendships
We're going it alone

How come you're so wrong
My sweet neo con


The freeways were packed as we crawled towards the Bowl. Passing Studio City, people were everywhere - on the streets, in their cars, in the high rise apartments and offices. Amidst all this teaming humanity, up popped a thought:

How can it be - in this nation of 350 million people - that two of our last three presidents hail from the same shady family? How can it be that this imperial father and dangerously simpleminded son are the best choices we’ve got to chose from? We’re a democracy - but the sleazy-connected elder Bush once ran the CIA and remains baptized and smothered with Arab oil. We’re a democracy - but the younger Bush holds no merit of his own, save his family’s wealth and influence.

In this country filled with extremely intelligent and capable souls - is the best we can do for president really this uncurious son, born of a silver spoon? We’ve been scammed, and we’re in deep do-do for it.

Mick concludes “Sweet Neo Con”:

It's getting very scary
Yes, I'm frightened out of my wits
There's bombers in my bedroom
Yeah and it's giving me the shits

Carrie and I eventually made it out to the Bowl and the place was PACKED. A WHOLE lot of people seem to agree with Mick Jagger. Not an open seat from the edge of the stage to the top of the hills.

And then it starts. The lights go down, the Rolling Stones appear. They launch the show with fireworks, and never let up for the next 2 1/2 hours. A “Bigger Bang”, for sure! These senior citizens of Rock and Roll tore up and down the stage and had the crowd standing for 150 straight minutes - never taking a break. Mick Jagger ran, danced, and sang like a teenager.

Don’t let anyone tell you it’s drugs keeping Mick Jagger thin. It’s these five thousand calorie concert workouts which have Mick in perfect cardiovascular shape. This guy is one lean entertaining machine.

And he’s courteous. Mick playfully engaged the crowd and graciously bowed after each song. He thoughtfully took time to credit to everyone on the stage. And, at concert’s end, all came back out, holding hands for a deep British curtain bow.

I got to thinking, “Mick Jagger seems an awful lot more decent than George Bush. He’s probably even more qualified to be president!” You may think this absurd, but just look at the cold, hard facts...

Unlike George Bush:

Mick Jagger can perform in front of a crowd for two and a half hours without notes or Teleprompters.
Mick properly annunciates every last one of his words.
Mick doesn’t look stupid and confused.
Mick is loved, not hated, the whole world over.
Mick picks highly qualified people to work on his band.
Mick never started a war. He never needed one to keep his job.
Mick never needed his daddy’s influence to get on in life.
Mick really does work hard. Rock and roll is “hard work”.
Mick reads newspapers.
Mick is a world traveler. He understands different cultures.
Mick’s band never leaked CIA secrets to the press.
Mick never ripped us off with secret energy deals.
Mick doesn’t run huge deficits - he’s big time cash positive!
Mick doesn’t choke while eating pretzels.
Mick isn’t Texan.

These days, most Americans feel they “Can’t Get No Satisfaction” with George Bush. The guy behind us at the concert quipped, “Why won’t someone just blow this guy so we can finally impeach him and get on with things?” Crass; but he hit it on the head.

I’ll admit it’s a stretch casting Mick Jagger as a better president. But nowadays, with everything George Bush touches being “Painted Black” - Mick Jagger could easily press George Bush “Under His Thumb.”