Post your mid-80's Ninja movie plot here:

[ragin_acadian]

seriously (or not) - "Ninja III: the Domination" is on skinemax right now. I cannot seem to decide whether it is:

A. Cinematic genius
B. A cultural artifact which will define our civilization in years to come.
C. Partially defatted pork fatty tissue (tripe).

In order to put perspective on this discussion, I must ask you to post the plot/script to YOUR OWN Golan-Globus produced Ninja movie, rightchere. Feel free to add teased hair, wharehouses full of empty boxes ripe for demolition, or Sho Kosugi with an endless supply of Ninja stars.

[BigMcLargehuge]

1. here are two Ninja movie reviews

golan globus were amateurs compared to Ninja auteur Godfrey Ho.

http://www.horrorview.com/Ninja%20shame.htm

[ragin_acadian]

2. i couldn't make it through the review,

it was that friggin funny! :rofl:

but i did find something for my christmas wish list: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0002B54WQ/002-9075779-1080011?v=glance&n=130&s=dvd&v=glance

[BigMcLargehuge]

3. Aww cmon, you can read it all

and laugh away the night!

Here's a sample from Clash of the Ninja!

...

Here is where we get our first look at the unfinished kung-fu police drama that makes up the bulk of the movie. What we see is a few prisoners-of-war-looking chinese guys breaking out of a corrugated metal shed (not much of a lab if you ask me) and running off into the night. Cut to Klaus dispatching the guards to kill all of the escapees. As the stock footage escapees run through tall grass we get some intercuts of soldiers (and I use that term with the utmost looseness) giving chase.

Strangely the soldiers chase the nighttime escapees during the day... um... see, this is just one of the hilarious inconsistencies in this movie.

Okay, the soldiers report that the can’t catch the runaway guinea pigs so Klaus dons his ninja pyjamas and lets himself be cut into the stock footage of running Chinese extras. Now, to make this seamless transition between crime drama and ninja movie only slightly less subtle than a tub fart, Ho sends a slew of new Chinese extras into the same frame as Klaus so that he can demonstrate his awesome martial arts skills by slapping them around with a rubber sword.

Klaus’s demonstrates the awesome power of the ninja by looking like he has never held a sword or thrown a punch in his entire life too. I mean, I’ve seen some crappy martial arts movies, and I have seen some crappy martial artists. But Mutter’s skill is just unbelievably lacking. He has the fluid grace of a Sterno-drunk, arthritic granny tap dancing to a Henry Rollins spoken word album.

[ragin_acadian]

4. okay, okay.

i made it through the Clash of the Ninja review without wetting myself.

But i don't want to spoil: Ninja: American Warrior

[BigMcLargehuge]

5. Here's another gem from Godfrey Ho

7 Star Grand Mantis. Avoid at all costs.

http://www.horrorview.com/7%20Star%20Grand%20Mantis%20shame.htm

Okay, as any Fu afficiando will tell you, there’s no plot too silly for a Kung Fu extravaganza. Well, this review will prove them all wrong. If you aren’t already familiar with the phenomenal body of work of cheap-o hack meister extrordinaire Godfrey Ho, then you should read through The Ninja Double feature already resting comfortably in The Horrorview Hall of Shame. Suffice to say if there’s a corner to cut, Godfrey Ho will find it, and 7 Star Grand Mantis has so many cut corners it’s nearly round. Of course Ho doesn’t merely skimp on the sets, props, costumes, music, acting, and overall production, he also skimps on the script. 7 Star Grand Mantis has a script only in the broadest definition, it’s less a script than it is the idea of a script.

One could successfully argue that 7 Star Grand Mantis wasn’t so much written as it was ad-libbed by the voice over actors.

We beging with a meaningless narration about a ruthless gang terrorizing a village, and how a beggar will eventually free the village from this gang’s tyranny. Pay no attention to this narration because it was apparently cut in from another film. There is no gang. There is no beggar. There is no village.

[BigMcLargehuge]

6. and stellar offering from an American company named

Crown International Pictures.

Feast your brain on the awfulness that is "Death Machines"!!!!!

http://www.horrorview.com/Death%20Machines%20shame.htm

Death Machines displays everything wrong in American martial arts movies, and considering that this film was made in 1977, the genre hasn’t improved all that much. It is very easy to see how Death Machines led to America’s fascination with such action star luminaries as Jean Claude Van Damme and um... Don “The Dragon” Wilson.

I think both of them work the graveyard shift in a Hollywood Dunkin Donuts now, which is good news for film fans the world over.

Anyway, Death Machines is not a rip off of popular Hong Kong cinema, but a subtle blending of stunningly bad martial arts movie and incoherent mob drama with a hint of illiterate, unrealized revenge drama and a nauseating romantic tale of a one-armed “yellow belt” and the nurse who cares for him.

Sound like fun? Well, masturbating with a hand full of roofing nails sounds fun, but it doesn’t mean you should try it. So to save you the cinematic experience of Death Machines I will summarize it here.

[ragin_acadian]

8. I bow to the master.

mostly because my abs hurt, at this point. :rofl:

i am truly shocked. i thought i was the only one on the face of the planet that bought the chuck norris freedom fighter action figures in '84, but obviously, i was wrong. only on DU.

out of curiosity, did Godfrey Ho ever make a movie with Don Wilson, Michael Dudikoff, Billy Blanks, or Oliver Grunier?

[BigMcLargehuge]

10. not intentionally, if at all

his main modus operandi was to shanghai some westerner in Hong Kong and pay him a meager sum to do some fake-ninja-fu then wrap that all around an unfinished kung fu flick or police drama made by a now bankrupt HK production company.

Ho is still producing movies as far as I know. You can spot his amazing catalog of guano by looking for the name "Trans World Entertainment" and "Trans World Releasing Company" stenciled across the box. He also directs under the names -

Godfrey Wu
Tommy Tang
Tommy Wu
Thomas Wang
Thomas Wo
George Lucas

Don Wilson and Michael Dudikoff were under contract with Roger Corman's production company. I think Dudikoff is a Wal Mart greeter now, and Don Wilson is still making grade z chop socky crap in the Direct to Video market.

Olivier Grunner vanished from the business not long after making "The Fighter" which is good because he sucks. Nemesis, awful, Automatic, dreadful, that first Muy Thai flick he did, unwatchable...

Billy Blanks gave it all up to sell fitness tapes of his Tae Bo system.

Add Jeff "Now I make family friendly non martial arts films" Speakman to the list too.

[BigMcLargehuge]

11. and a final one for the night - "Into the Sun"

Starring Mu Mu wearing aikidoka Steven Seagal... Man this one was awful.

http://www.horrorview.com/Into%20the%20Sun%20Shame.htm

Oh man, what the hell happened? I remember being a teenager, stunned at the amazing martial art (Aikido) performed by Steven Seagal in the opening five minutes of 1988’s Above the Law. I’d never seen such fluid and devastating cinematic combat, especially performed by an American. In 1988 Above the Law reset the bar for action cinema in the United States and thrust 6’5” Steven Seagal to the forefront of the action star A-list along Schwarzenegger, Stallone, and Van Damme.

You’d think with such an amazing debut that even the expected sophomore slump would have only offered a temporary snarl in what should have been a brilliant career. But alas, Steven Seagal’s sophomore slump, slumped, and slumped, and slumped even more, until finally, in its death spiral he crashed and burned into the ranks of the Direct to Video B-list stars Marc DaCascos, Don “The Dragon” Wilson, Jeff Speakman, and Jean Claude Van Damme.

Weirdly though, every few years some studio decides to test the multiplex waters by releasing a new Steven Seagal flick without the safety net of Direct to Video. The most recent trend is pairing the increasingly porcine Aikidoka with any number of popular Hip Hop stars, and in at least one case, Keenan Ivory Wayans. These films “The Glimmer Man”, “Half Past Dead” and any number of oddly titled action pics all share one thing in common other than a significant decrease in cool Aikido fights; they all suck. They don’t work as martial arts pictures because there aren’t enough prolonged fight sequences and they don’t work as action films because modern action films rely on cool fight and stunt sequences (which aren’t in these films), they don’t work as police procedurals because the scripts uniformly suck, and they don’t work as buddy pictures because Seagal is unable to offer a single likable trait for the audience to reflect.

[ChoralScholar]

7. I can't think of Ninjas anymore without

thinking of

http://www.realultimatepower.net

Facts:
1. Ninjas are mammals.
2. Ninjas fight ALL the time.
3. The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people.

Testimonial:

Ninjas can kill anyone they want! Ninjas cut off heads ALL the time and don't even think twice about it. These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this ninja who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon the ninja killed the whole town. My friend Mark said that he saw a ninja totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window.

[ragin_acadian]

9. holy shit!

that was the first thing i thought of when the movie came on!

"Ninjas are sooooooooooo sweet that I want to crap my pants."

that is exactly what i was hoping for. everyone post their own Ninja movie!

[BigMcLargehuge]

12. kick

[BigMcLargehuge]

13. kick