Breaking Up is hard to do.

[In_The_Wind]

Remember when you held me tight
And you kissed me all through the night
Think of all that we've been through
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

They say that breaking up is hard to do
Now I know, I know that it's true
Don't say that this is the end
Instead of breaking up I wish that we were making up again
We were making up again




How do you do it gently without hurting the person you once loved.

Discuss:

[Thtwudbeme]

1. I don't even want to see the crap

that has the potential to be posted here.

And yet....like a train wreck....I am torn between looking to see the carnage....and turning away in horror.

[In_The_Wind]

3. I said Gently. That is the only type of post I want on this thread!

So the thread may not get too many post if all people have in anger in their heart.

But I think DU has a lot of kindhearted members. I'm sure there will be some very thoughtful answers.

[Thtwudbeme]

5. And Anne Frank wrote that all people have some good in them.

The "kindhearted" DUers that I know personally, are either in a stable relationship, or not dating. None of them have broken up with anyone.

Granted, I don't personally know all of the 80,000 DUers...but, I do read the Lounge everyday....and this thread is an invitation for melodrama.

Like I said...I probably will watch the train wreck!

;)

[In_The_Wind]

9. Let me help you with that.

Be comfortable while you watch.

[mopinko]

2. in my long marriage, one thing that held us together when

all else failed was the certain knowledge that the breakup would include :nuke: nuclear weapons.

[In_The_Wind]

6. Most of my own break ups have been kind.

That is if I was the one saying goodbye.
Some of the best friends of my life were my former lovers.
I wish I could say the same for my divorces.

[northzax]

7. mutual assured destruction is a perfectly reasonable concept

if it works for superpowers, why not marriages.

1: do it at a place where you can leave, not them. If it's at home, have a place to go.
2: anticipate anger, and let them have it. just because you've been thinking this for a while, it's new to them.
3: never, ever, say an unkind thing to other people about the person. You are leaving, they et to win the fights about it, if they want to.
4:if all else fails, I hear the Navy is hiring.

[Wapsie B]

4. Yes it is

There's really no gentle way to do it. If there's any kind of feelings there those will be hurt.

[In_The_Wind]

8. So ...

Do you sacrifice yourself in order to avoid hurt feelings?

Living a lie by telling someone I Love You when you don't mean it just isn't fair to either party involved.

[Wapsie B]

11. No you have to end it.

Living a lie is unfair to both involved. But you were asking about how to to it gently. Even "letting someone down easy" can still bring heartache depending on the intensity of the feelings of both parties. I've yet to be through a break up that no matter how gentle one party was there was still hurt there.

[In_The_Wind]

13. I know I've had regrets when it's over.

I've even wished it was different because letting go hurts no matter who says goodbye first. But living with someone when you're growing apart if painful to everyone.

www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=4311972&mesg_id=4312006

unless you can find a way to work it out ...

[Wapsie B]

14. Yes it certainly is.

There is no way to work it out. Either there's love there or there isn't. That's not something you can fake.

[LeftyMom]

10. I have no clue

I'm trying to be as gentle as I can through all of this, and it's not working.

:cry:

[In_The_Wind]

12. Damn I hate that!

I never fall out of love with someone that I've cared for.

So it only makes sense that if I've avoided the urge to commit mayhem as some of the love died I don't want to cause any harm by setting them free. Everyone should have the chance to reach their full potential.

[LeftyMom]

17. LeftyDad and I are not in love anymore

I don't think we ever really were, we just had a comfortable relationship that proved easier than being alone for a time. We've grown apart and it's sad because breaking up has done a number on his rather fragile self-image.


On top of that, I have prospects and he doesn't and he keeps trying to guilt trip me about it. :hide:

[In_The_Wind]

20. I was on my way out the door ...

back in the Spring of 1999 but there was no place I wanted to be nor anyone that I wanted to be with so I stayed.

www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=4311972&mesg_id=4312006

It was really hard for both of us at first. But we have become good friends.

I did get guilt trips from him in the beginning while he still thought we could patch things up. I knew it was over and in kindness to him I didn't allow any false hope for a reconciliation.

I'll be here if you ever want to send me a PM. I know it's hard for you. :hug:

[LeftyMom]

24. That's how things were headed with us

but he has little interest and no prospects in terms of seeing other people and I could never have done so w/o making a clean break, it would hurt him too much. Even post break-up and move-out I'm dreading telling him about my new BF. I think he needs a bit more time to adjust before I spring that on him, though I've hinted at it a few times.

I just couldn't do it anymore. I'm not that hurt about the breakup (it was not exactly a shock) but it hurts me to see him hurting and I feel guilty that I'm doing really well on my own. It's almost like survivor guilt.

[In_The_Wind]

30. LeftyMom

One of the things we must remember is that we are not responsible for someone else's happiness.

He needs to decide for himself what will make him feel content about his life. Then he should go forward and seek what he desires.

[LeftyMom]

32. I'll try.

It's hard- I try to be everybody's mommy and fix thier problems.

[In_The_Wind]

33. You can't be everybody's mommy.

It isn't your job! That may sound harsh but everyone needs to grow up sometime.

One day I realized that I couldn't move quickly enough to keep everything running smoothly for everyone in my home. We all need a little help at times. But I got tired of fixing everything. So now I don't. I'm here if my house mates need a hand or an ear. However I am no longer the chief cook, bottle washer, accountant or social secretary.

[no name no slogan]

15. First, don't talk to him about your problems

Then, stay out all night drinking with your coke-snorting girlfriends. Make him stay up until the early morning hours wondering if you're either in the emergency room or in jail with another DUI.

Then make sure he knows that nothing he does is good enough for you, and that your way is the best way to do anything. Belittle him, and make him feel like he's worthless.

After he's so far down that he can't do anything besides hide under the covers and cry, get him into a joint counselling session. Tell the counsellor that you've been emotionally withdrawing from the marriage for the last three years and that there's nothing to talk about anymore-- it's all over, and you want to sell the house to get "your" money.

Oh, wait, I'm sorry-- that's how you're NOT supposed to do it! :silly:

[In_The_Wind]

36. no name no slogan ~ You've Lost That Loving Feeling

You never close your eyes
Anymore when I kiss your lips.
And there's no tenderness
Like before in your fingertips.
You're trying hard not to show it, (baby).
But baby, baby I know it...

You've lost that lovin' feelin',
Whoa, that lovin' feelin',
You've lost that lovin' feelin',
Now it's gone...gone...gone...wooooooh.

Now there's no welcome look
In your eyes when I reach for you.
And now you're starting to
Criticize little things I do.
It makes me just feel like crying, (baby).
'Cause baby, something beautiful's dyin'.

You lost that lovin' feelin',
Whoa, that lovin' feelin',
You've lost that lovin' feelin',
Now it's gone...gone...gone...woooooah

Baby, baby, I'd get down on my knees for you.
If you would only love me like you used to do, yeah.
We had a love...a love...a love you don't find everyday.
So don't...don't...don't...don't let it slip away.

Baby (baby), baby (baby),
I beg of you please (please), please (please)
I need your love (I need your love), I need your love (I need your love),
So bring it on back (So bring it on back),
Bring it on back (so bring it on back).

Bring back that lovin' feelin',
Whoa, that lovin' feelin'
Bring back that lovin' feelin',
'Cause it's gone...gone...gone,
and I can't go on,
woh-oh-oh-oh

Bring back that lovin' feelin',
Whoa, that lovin' feelin'
Bring back that lovin' feelin',
'Cause it's gone...gone...gone...
And I can't go on.. wooooah

Now you've found a better love ...

[HamdenRice]

16. Start with a baseball bat, $1,000 and a junk yard lawyer

All to be used defensively only of course.


<edited>

[In_The_Wind]

35. HamdenRice

A thousand dollars won't even get you a junk yard lawyer these days. Divorces are expensive.


BTW ~ It's always a good idea to have a better lawyer than your spouse if you think it's gonna get messy.

[Niccolo_Macchiavelli]

18. truth, pure truth carefully worded.

no games, no excuses.

that i couldn't muster the feelings i felt she deserved. and i have tried and i wished i could enforce those emotions with myself but i can't. That she is a wonderful person and my mind tells me she's superb and you're a fool letting her go, but the heart says no and conscience says you can't live a lie.

no way doing so without hurting her. but it was a clean cut and the relationship was demoted to a friends+privilege until she found someone new which i felt happy for her. very happy. because i couldn't give her what she seeked.

we are still good friends.

best. break-up. ever. still sucked.

[Maddy McCall]

19. I broke up with a guy I once loved, who loved me very much, too.

We are still good friends today, so evidently I did it correctly.

The wrong way would have been to see someone (perhaps a friend of his) behind his back, lie to him about it, tell him that it was all his fault I was leaving because he never made me happy, blame my inadequacies on something he might have done, and then villainize him behind his back.

[bicentennial_baby]

21. my, my

you just don't quit do you? :eyes:

[gardenista]

23. Nope. I think there's some sort of vicarious thrill about it.

A shame, that.

[Thtwudbeme]

25. Joan! Joan A.!!! Pass the popcorn now please

Thanks much!

Would you like for me to get you a coke?

[In_The_Wind]

27. Thtwudbeme

Relax and enjoy your popcorn.

BTW ~ Thank you. I would love a Coke.

[merh]

37. ...

[bicentennial_baby]

22. You don't

if they still love you...unavoidable. My recent breakup was with someone who was and still is completely in love with me. i love him so damn much, but i'm not in love with him, and i can't be with him. it just wasn't working for either of us, after nearly 6 years of cohabitation and 14 years of friendship.

But, i did it honestly and fairly, and we are working hard to maintain what was and what is an incredibly deep friendship. it hasn't been easy, but it's worth it to both of us. so far, so good :)

[faithnotgreed]

28. thats very sweet bb

the situation as you describe is very common - people feel so many variations on love and not feeling one type doesnt have to preclude another
and its great to maintain a friendship - that says a great deal about the people

your description of the kindness and fairness (and honesty) is what isnt as common and i applaud your maturity in doing what you needed in the framework of treating a loving adult relationship as well... a loving adult

did that make sense by any chance

[hunter]

26. I jumped out of her moving car while we were fighting...

That proved to her that I was a jerk and an asshole and a freak and a nutcase and about a million other horrible things, and that all the time we'd ever spent together was a complete and utter waste, and that it was all good riddance, just like taking the smelly rotten trash to the dump, so she didn't feel bad at all, not one bit, as she drove away. In fact I think she felt a great burden had been lifted from her heart. She probably returned to her house screaming to the heavens "Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you dear God, Yes! That axle-breaking speedbump on the road of my life, he's gone forever! Yes!"

Within a year she married a woman and then it was my turn to be happy, because it confirmed to me that we'd shared an utterly impossible relationship, even if I hadn't been such a jerk and a loser.

That was a long time ago... later I met the love of my life and we've been married many years.

In some ways I don't understand your question because as I think about it, once I love someone I always love them. Love has a timeless quality, and there isn't anyone in my life I "once loved," not even people who hurt me badly.

Does that make any sense?

[bridgit]

29. eh, maybe a little harsh ~ better things to do

Don't tell me the reason that you're calling
Is to see if I'm all right since you've been gone
'Cause I know you and I know why we're talking
You're wanting me to say I'm barely hanging on
Well, maybe that was true for a night or two
But now, I got better things to do

I could wash my car in the rain
Change my new guitar strings
Mow the yard just the same as I did yesterday
I don't need to waste my time crying over you
I got better things to do

Maybe when I don't have so much going
Or quite so many irons in the fire
I'll take the time to miss you like you're hoping
But now, I can't put forth the effort it requires
Well, I'd love to talk to you, but then, I'd miss Donahue
That's right, I got better things to do

Check the air in my tires
Straighten my stereo wires
Count the stars in the sky or just get on with my life
I don't need to waste my time crying over you
I got better things to do
I got better things to do

[sakabatou]

31. If you've had as many as I had...

it doesn't hurt anymore, unless you love them back...

[TrogL]

34. No it's not!

He called the cops. They took him away!!!

[barb162]

38. You put yourself in their place and try to be as gentle as possible

while still being firm. Sounds easy, doesn't it? (NOT)

[Deja Q]

39. You can't.

[In_The_Wind]

40. You're right.

[RevCheesehead]

41. How sad.

I wish I would have seen this post earlier.

There's just so much to say, and I sure as hell don't even know where to begin.

How about a hug instead? :hug: