when self-image and self-denial are 180 degrees seperated.

[salin]

Our own self image (who we think we are) and who we are (how other people experience us to be) are often off by a bit. That is natural, as in theory we strive to become/realize our self-image.

Over the years I have met a few folks whose self-images are almost completely diametrically different (opposite) from the reality they create for others (how they treat others.) Hard to explain by my theory that the self-image is what we hold and work/strive to achieve as a human being.

Always a tad disturbing when realizing that someone one is interacting with has the 180 degree difference between their self-image, and the reality based upon their own behaviors/actions.

No where is this more clearly displayed than in bushboy. Yet it is one thing to see it - from a distance - in a public figure - and another thing altogether to deal with it in the first person (e.g., a relative, close coworker, or friend.)

How do you deal with these folks when the inconsitencies become so extreme, and so blatant?

[NNadir]

1. I am a fashion god.

Usually people cut me off when they recognize the disparity between my self image, which I got at Nordstroms, and my true personality which was marked down at 1/3 the price at Walmart and was still left in a shopping cart, unpurchased.

[salin]

2. that disparity - is completely cool, unless

you lord over others your great fashion sense, and their inadequacy in that area... which I seriously doubt is the case ;-)

[salin]

3. For example, I worked with a man who claimed to be a feminist

but kept oddly sexually provocative pictures of his wife in his office - made some folks feel akward, and others 'take note'... then shortly after his wife gives birth to their second child - he is involved in a not-so-secret affair, with no real remorse about his treatment of his wife (who had given up her career for their kids). Yet he continued to view himself as this great feminist, while he treated his wife as discardable property.

[Thtwudbeme]

4. I struggle with this daily.....

My self image is a smart, competent "A" student on the way to grad school; but my reality is that Latin is kicking my ass!

Actually, I have more thoughts on this but will have to post them when I get home from work-

Good to see you!

Stephanie

[salin]

5. good morning !

I look forward to hearing/reading more.

[chknltl]

6. I do not know who I am but I like me alright

I find that those who know me generally like me and trust me. I do not think that my image of myself is far off from theirs of me. We accept the positives and the negatives in me as that which makes me unique. Lately one very near and dear to me is quite mad at me for not following through with living my life how she feels I should live my life. This is a new development and it has caused a huge rift between us. I feel that she must view me entirely different than I view myself. I view her differently than I used to also. btw: She is my step daughter so we have known each other from when she was 8 till now, she is 21 and has been a business partner for the last 4 years. That partnership is likely dissolved by her at this point. I tried to keep this on topic.

[salin]

7. Very much on topic, though with a twist

in terms of someone else's view of you and your self-view.

Very sorry that there is such a rift with you and your step-daughter. It sounds painful.

I wonder if part of the 'rift' is just part of a developmental stage when a young person starts working to claim greater independence/autonomy from those who are parental figures - sometimes this is just part of moving out and on... and other times, esp when there had been very close ties (as a business would do) there seems to be a need to create a reason (as in manufacture a rift) to then justify creating distance - which isn't really about the manufactured reason, as much as a need to be more autonomous as an individual. If this is the case, have faith and patience... it might be the end of the business partnership, but I would guess that as she comes more fully into her adult individuality/strength - that she will rebuild the bonds between you - but on a more adult-adult plane rather than parent-child/attempting adult-adult plane. Of course, I could be full of it (and have been before) and my words worthy of ignoring...

My best to you.

[chknltl]

8. Thank you for your thoughts.

Although the circumstances, I did not give you much to go on here, is inaccurate, the model does ring true. I can see her need for being independent, I can see her manufactured problems with me. This gives me hope that we may yet salvage something later on in life. My pain of course comes from our fighting but also from seeing her almost shell-shocked by all of this. I hate seeing her so alone in this big bad world. BTW: this ordeal between me and her has brought on sleep deprivation in me. I have not had a minutes sleep in almost 3 days now. Thanks for the advice, you have given me a little encouragement with your model.

[Misunderestimator]

9. Sometimes the "who we are" is one thing to most people...

and another thing to others who may be influenced by the view of one single person... and that one person's single experience.

There are times when it may seem that the self-image we wish to portray and the image we actually present (how we treat others) are opposite, and there are many reasons for that. Self-preservation, defensiveness, determination to do the right thing. Whatever the reason, there are always times that we fail to treat others as we would want to treat them.

This often happens during breakups. And to judge either party with information from only one side is a mistake.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

11. Sometimes what we are defending is delusion

but it's certainly our right to do that, isn't it?

[pitohui]

10. well i pretty much keep my comments to myself

i don't think it's appropriate to tell friend, co-worker etc. that their self-image is not quite in line w. their actions

esp. since this is prob. the case to a greater or lesser degree w. everyone

[merh]

12. I suppose it depends on what you mean by " deal with the folks"

with the inconsistencies you write about. If it is a relative or close friend, I would not focus on the bad, would not belittle them for their flaws, I would try to focus on their good qualities and help them cultivate those, praying all along that the good will increase and overshadow the negative. Self-esteem is a funny thing, without it, folks do all sorts of things to make an image or they covet the images of others.

It also depends on the extreme nature of the inconsistencies. Does the person feign sweetness and purity when all along they are cultivating hate and contempt? Are they constantly putting others down to build themselves up? If their actions harm me, if they involve me in their efforts to play the game or as you put it "create the reality for others", I may privately confront them with the inconsistencies and tell them I am not buying into the game. I would do that as logically as possible. I would then try my best to stay out of their way. Those type of negative emotions/actions are draining and life is too short for all of that.

I prefer celebrating loving spirits over battling negative energies.

[Zomby Woof]

13. Way to go, salin

:thumbsup: :hi:

[WCGreen]

14. Sometimes I know I come off better than I seem....

But still, I have a pretty good view of myself and pretty much know how others percieve me...

But, if someone makes up their mind on just one part of me, what does that say about that person....