Who's better Sam Kinison or Andrew Dice Clay?

[tjwash]

OK, that was a completely unfair comparison meant only to grab your attention.

But I do want to know who your favorite comics are and why.

I'm a huge George Carlin fan myself. When you mention the big three of all time, he is definitely there along with Lenny Bruce and Richard Pryor when it comes to stinging social commentary, and a cynical view of the America that lays the culture of our country bare, exposed, and utterly hilarious.

That's just me though, what about all of you out there in DU land?

[KitchenWitch]

1. I liked Sam better

Andrew Dice Clay just seemed a bit to thuggish for me.

[TallahasseeGrannie]

2. Both are a bit over the top for me

[Shakespeare]

3. Eddie Izzard. Funniest man alive.

And Bill Hicks, funniest man no longer alive.

[Taverner]

4. "The Diceman" - interesting story

When he started out, he had this show where he did the characters in his neighborhood in Brooklyn. One of them was "the diceman" as well as an elderly Jewish man, his mom and several others. Pretty soon the diceman character became the popular one - and crowds would go to see him just to do the diceman. So he made that his only schtick. Pretty soon, well...we know the rest.

[dback]

5. I like women--Whoopi Goldberg, Rita Rudner, Joan Rivers, Brett Butler

I was watching Brett Butler--before she was big--doing stand-up on the "Tonight Show" in the 80's, and got so hysterical laughing I was literally weeping.

If you can find an obscure video from a few years back called "Women of the Night," it has classic Ellen Degeneres, Rita Rudner, Paula Poundstone and Judy Tenuta performances on it. Also, the hard to find "SNL: Best of Gilda Radner" and Whoopi Goldberg's Broadway shows.

There's also a tape called "Best of the Big Laugh Off" with Sandra Bernhard--back when she was ironic and funny instead of bitter and hostile--and a guy who's name escapes me but who does a great ventriolquist routine with giant-headed puppets. ("We're gonna kill you!")

And of course, Carol Burnett reruns.

All-time great Joan Rivers joke: "On my wedding night, my husband said 'Let me help you with your buttons.' I said, 'I...am...naked.'"

[datasuspect]

6. bill hicks?

anyone?

"People suck, there's too many of them, and they are easier to kill when they are fetuses than when they're growing up."
"If I thought the Jews killed God, I'd worship the Jews. 'Kay? 'Kay."

"Squeegee your third eye!"

You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too. You know, during the Persian Gulf war, those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons – incredible weapons." How do you know that? "Uh, well ... we looked at the receipts."

Revelations (1990's comedy routine)
"All governments are lying cocksuckers."

Philosophy of the Best
I'm so sick of arming the world and then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then we go and blow the shit out of 'em. We're like the bullies of the world, you know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane ... throwing the pistol at the sheep herder's feet: "Pick it up." "I don't wanna pick it up mister, you'll shoot me." "Pick up the gun." "Mister, I don't want no trouble, huh. I just came down town here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about 10 rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, mister." "Pick up the gun." Boom, boom. "You all saw him. He had a gun."

Revelations (1990's comedy routine)
(to a creationist)
I asked this guy, I said, 'Can I ask you a question? It's a one-word question.' "Go ahead." "Dinosaur. Come on man, Dinosaur fossils. What's the deal?" "Dinosaur fossils? God put those there to test our faith." "I think God put you here to test my faith, dude. You believe that?" "Uh huh." Does that trouble anyone here? The idea that God might be fuckin' with our heads? Anyone have trouble sleeping restfully with that thought in their heads? God's running around, burying fossils: "Huh huh ho. We will see who believes in me now, ha HA. Im a prankster god. I am killing me. Ho ho ho ho." You know, you die, you go to St. Peter, "Did you you believe in dinosaurs?" "Well, you know, there was fossils everywhere." KOOM Ooowwwwwww. "What are you, an idiot? God was FUCKING with you! Giant flying lizards? You moron! That's one of God's easiest jokes!" "It seemed so plausible! Aieeeeeeeee!" Bound for the lake of fire. . . . While I appreciate your quaint traditions, superstitions, and, you know, I on the other hand am an evolved being who deals solely with the source of light which exists in all of us, in our own minds, no middle man required. But anyway, I appreciate your little games and shit, you putting on the tie and going to church, a de da de da. But you know there's a LIVING GOD WHO WILL TALK DIRECTLY FUCKING TO YOU. Sorry, but not too many pages of the Bible that FORGOT TO MENTION DINOSAURS!"


Revelations (1990's comedy routine)
The war on drugs to me is absolutely phoney; it's so obviously phoney, ok? It's a war against our civil rights, that's all it is. They're using it to make us afraid to go out at night, afraid of each other, so that we lock ourselves in our homes and they get suspending our rights one by one.

Revelations (1990's comedy routine)
Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can't make a profit off it, would it?

Revelations (1990's comedy routine)
How much do you smoke, sir? Two packs a day, is that right? Pussy. I go through two lighters a day. That's right, two lighters! You're a health nut compared to me. You're like the Jack LaLanne of smokers compared to me.

Flying Saucer Tour (1991)
A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross? Kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on, you know.

Revelations (1990's comedy routine)
The world is like a ride at an amusement park. It goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: Is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey – don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride ..." And we ... kill those people. Ha ha, "Shut him up. We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up. Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and my family. This just has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. Jesus murdered; Martin Luther King murdered; Malcolm X murdered; Gandhi murdered; John Lennon murdered; Reagan ... wounded. But it doesn't matter because: It's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love.

The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace. Thank you very much, you've been great.

(Sound effect of three shots, Hicks pretends to fall down dead, lights go down.)