Thief Steals $75,000 Worth Of Bull Semen

[matcom]

<snip>

WOLFSVILLE, Md. --Someone stole $75,000 worth of bull semen from a Frederick County farm, the sheriff's office says. Eric Fleming said the six small canisters of frozen semen taken from a liquid nitrogen tank represented four to five years of collection work.

He said he had planned to sell it and use the proceeds to expand his breeding herd of shorthorn beef cattle.

"I'm so depressed about this that I probably will get out of the cattle business," Fleming said Tuesday.

He said he found the semen missing from an outbuilding on his Stonewood Acres farm in northwestern Frederick County Sunday night.

Fleming said the canisters held the semen of 40 to 50 bulls.

http://www.boston.com/news/odd/articles/2005/11/02/thief_steals_75000_worth_of_bull_semen?mode=PF

[AussieDave]

1. Thief mistook farm for grocery store

"I just needed milk for my Corn Flakes" said Cletus D. Jerkoff after being arrested with two of the canisters. "I thought it tasted extra creamy."

[BreweryYardRat]

27. *snort*

:rofl:

[Mutley]

2. Ew. Some things just aren't worth any amount of money.

[jmowreader]

5. Bull semen, on the other hand, isn't one of those things

I hope you don't think cattle ranchers let their breeder cows conceive the natural way. In the US, cattle ranchers like the safety (a 2000-pound bull who smells cows in heat is a dangerous thing) and security (if you buy semen from a reputable vendor and implant it at the correct time, you will get a calf) of artificial insemination.

Besides, it is far more economical to ship a bottle of liquid nitrogen containing vials of the semen from a champion bull to a rancher than it is to ship the actual bull. Also consider: if you collect enough semen from your bull (one ejaculation will produce more than one calf because the inseminator will deposit the semen exactly where it is needed, unlike the messy natural method--and you REALLY don't want to know how they do it) he can continue to impregnate cows for many years after he died.

[Elidor]

12. No, I do want to know.

I also want to know how they harvest the stuff. There's a job I wouldn't want to have.

[jmowreader]

18. Mmm...okay, I'll tell

You harvest bull semen using the "artificial vagina" technique. It requires the device and a trained steer in addition to the bull. You figure it out. According to the University of Florida, whose artificial insemination page can be read at http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu/DS089, semen collection is a highly specialized skill calling for people with the proper equipment, training and experience...you know, to keep a horny one-ton animal from stomping you to death.

Placing the semen in the cow requires a catheter and a very long rubber glove. Put the glove on one hand and insert the catheter into the cow's vagina with the not-necessarily-gloved hand. Then (and this is the REALLY fun part) stick the gloved hand up the cow's ass and use it to guide the catheter through the cervix into the uterus, where you will deposit the semen.

Actually, I think we found Matcom's true calling. :evilgrin:

[DS1]

13. Jesus Christ!

I mean, I've been eating bovine-Jesus Christ all these years! :scared:

[Mutley]

15. Wow. TMI.

But I meant it in more of a why, of all the damn things in the world, would this guy steal bull semen?!? Why not a TV? Or a car? Or better yet, rob a bank. Really, anything that doesn't involve the semen of an animal.

[jmowreader]

19. Because it's worth his while to do it

The thief took three canisters and each one contained $25,000 worth of bull semen. The canister you get it in is about three feet high by two feet diameter, and it's full of liquid nitrogen (and, of course, the straws containing the semen).

You can put all the loot in this heist in the back of a minivan and cover it with a blanket.

Sounds like the crook made the right choice.

[swimboy]

3. OMG, the semen market is going to go apes**t!

Do you realize the hard work that semen represented? It's like being president. Maybe a lot like being this president.

[WCGreen]

4. The Bulls stole it so they could have some more fun....

[underpants]

6. That's serious bidness

We may laugh at the headline (and we should) but that is serious stuff in those parts I would suspect.

[Burma Jones]

7. As A Marylander.....

I sure won't be ordering any White Russians in Frederick County.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

21. ewww

:puke:

[Coventina]

8. Hey! There's a thread where Robb says he's been on a farm for the last

week.....

coincidence?

You tell me!

[Shell Beau]

9. Imagine 4 or 5 years worth

of doing what we all know they have to do to get that stuff. I'd be pissed too! And now he may get out of the business... He needs to hang in there.

Why do I get a visual of South Park's "red rocket" from this story?

[realisticphish]

16. what are

"studses"?

[DS1]

10. Eh, business cums and it goes

You gotta roll with the punches

[Endangered Specie]

24. aaahhhh

:rofl:

[sasquatch]

11. I raised cattle as a kid and we used AI sometimes

You see we wanted to get a better level of show steers or show cattle so we would look through a catalog and select a bull. The AI go would show up and we would load the cows into a shoot and allow him to do his work. The cows didn't mind because we'd feed them as he worked. Though everyone would like to know.

[RedCloud]

14. US NAVY to the rescue!

Naval forces have just informed me that they have huge boatloads of sea men on their way. Soon the sea men will be with the women who adore sea men.

Some women plan on kissing their sea men right out in public!

[edbermac]

17. From Bonnie & Clyde robbing banks to stealing BULL SEMEN?

How the world has changed...x(

[Marshall McClueless]

20. Lightweight.

I could easily have gotten away with a quarter-mil.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

22. Probably some rethug farmer

who wanted his wife pregnant again.

[Endangered Specie]

23. So they are gonna have to jack off the bulls again?

Good news for the bulls.

[RedCloud]

28. W has a penchant for milking horses...

Maybe he is open minded enough to try it with bulls.

[donheld]

25. Oh come now, who would do a thing like that

:evilgrin:

[Oeditpus Rex]

26. When I read this, I wondered

if the crook(s) bought into the old bit that taurine — the "magic ingredient" in Red Bull — is a derivative of bull semen.

:rofl: