Steven Wrightisms

[T Roosevelt]

Was going thru old emails and came across this one...

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way you are obviously in the wrong lane.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Of course you can't have everything -where would you put it?"

One night I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards - I got a full house and four people died.

Broke a mirror in my house and I'm supposed to get 7 years of bad luck ? but my
lawyer thinks he can get me off in 5.

I have a sea-shell collection. Maybe you've seen it - I keep it on beaches all over the world.

Sure, it's a small world. But I wouldn't want to paint it.

Curiosity killed the cat but for a while I was a suspect.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

What's another word for Thesaurus?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"

If Dracula can't see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

I bought some batteries but the batteries weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

I called information, I said "I lost my socks", the lady said "They're under the couch".

I have a lifesize map of the United States. It has a scale that says "1 mile=1 mile".

Do the emloyees at the Lipton Tea Company employees take coffee breaks?

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me...I'm afraid of widths.

The other day I...uh...no that wasn't me.

One time I put instant coffee in the microwave and went back in time.

I went on a job interview and before the guy said anything I said "Let me ask you a question... if a car was going at the speed of light and you turned on the headlights... would you see them? He said "I don't know" and I said "Then I can't work here."

"A cop pulled me over and said 'Why were you speeding?'. I said to him 'I was pressing on this pedal here. It sends more gas through the carbuerator and the car goes much faster.'"

[caledesi]

1. LOVE Steven Wright. Here's few.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is

research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (this is

one of my long time favorites)

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried

before.


All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

MORE:

http://www.weather.net/zarg/ZarPages/stevenWright.html

[KG]

2. you can't have everything, where would you put it?

:)

[HEyHEY]

3. I love him to! But I can't think of many qoutes

"What do want? Have some fudge, just leave me alone..."

[Kat45]

4. I love Stephen Wright!

I saw him a couple of times in comedy clubs in Cambridge/Boston back in 1980.

[Aristus]

5. The other day, I saw a subliminal advertising executive,

but just for a second.

S.W. is the greatest.

[underpants]

6. Anything is within walking distance if you have the time

I used to live at the end of a one-way dead-end street

I used to live in the median strip of the highway. You had to be going 50 MPH when you lef the driveway, it was hell on tires.

I had an apartment with a lightswitch that didn't seem to turn anything on or off. I used to just flick it on and off until one day a woman in Madagascar called me up and said, "Knock it off!".