For all you people who grew up as products of divorce...

[thom1102]

My partner and I are two of that rare breed of American who grew up with both original parents, so when this situation arose, I was a bit perplexed.

A friend of ours lost his grandmother the other day, and in the obituary, it read that "she was survived by... x grandchildren." Now, x is representative of her biological grandkids as well as her step grandchildren (the children from my friend's father's second marriage), and my friend was upset by this. Now there is history here: the father and my friend haven't spoken in ten years, and apparently it was a messy divorce and my friend took his mother's side.

That aside, do you think it is wrong for the step grandchildren to be listed among the grandchildren in the obituary? My naive take (and my partner's, and our friend's partner as well) is that this is really not a big deal, and that this mole hill is being blown into a mountain. Can you guys provide another perspective?

[Maple]

1. Objectively

it's a mole hill blown into a mountain.

But you're talking about family squabbles, which have nothing whatever to do with objectivity....and everything to do with intense emotion.

Just try to stay out of the way, and avoid the flak...fallout...etc.

[acmavm]

2. Why is it that people want to begrudge "stepchildren" a place

in a family? Don't they understand that sometimes it is very hard being a "stepanything"? And then to emphasize that fact whenever something happens, a death, a birth, a wedding?

"Stepchildren" are a part of life now. Treat them just like any other family member. I bet there are some actual family members that you'd just as soon not acknowledge. We all have them.

[thom1102]

8. See, now that is how I feel.

To me, how different is it to, say adoption? If his father were to adopt children with his new wife, would they be less her grandchildren than those who are blood related?

[KCDem]

11. sounds like you have a good head.

That's how I'd feel. Why make children "suffer" because they're not 100% biologically yours? Now, if the child was a full-blown adult when his/her parent remarried, I can see a grandparent possibly not wanting to consider that person their child. But, otherwise, I think those children should be as loved/respected/admired as should full-blooded kids.

[supernova]

3. Yes, they're her grandkids

And I'm sure she loved them all.

The issue here is your friend's unresolved conflict with his father from the divorce, NOT how many kids called her Grandma. It was really not his burden to choose one parent over the other.

In any event, may Grandma rest in peace. O8)

[SOteric]

4. I'm not actually a child of divorce

my parents were married until my mother's death a few years ago. But, never shy about offering my opinion:

1) Any time there's a death in the family, -even a family where animosity was present, there are complex and uncontrolled emotions.

I see nothing wrong with listing the stepchildren or stepgrandchildren in an obituary.

I question why your friend felt the need to close off his relationship with his paternal grandmother as well as his father. I can understand taking his mother's side, if that's an honest expression of his feelings, but why punish the grandmother over her son's failed marriage?

As he did close off the relationship, why should that spell the end of familial interaction for the grandmother in question. She's already no doubt hurt by the loss of relationship with her grandchild(ren), perhaps those 'steps' grew to mean a great deal to her. It's a bit like expecting the lover you've dumped to never have another.

Personally, if I were to kick off tomorrow, there are a great many people whose relationship to me would bear mention who are not in any way related to me. -And I have a fairly close relationship with my family.

I think what matters is those to whom we have close ties. It would be wrong to leave the names of the biological children and grandchildren off of the list in spite of the emotional distance, but it would only be cruel to leave off the names of persons to whom she had actually had the chance to act as grandmother.

All that said, refer to statement number 1.

[thom1102]

6. I must have been unclear about this...

I question why your friend felt the need to close off his relationship with his paternal grandmother as well as his father.

Actually, he was very close to his grandmother. Sorry, if that was unclear.

[Spirochete]

5. When my father died...

not my biological father (he deserted us when I was little), but my adopted father, neither me nor my sister were mentioned in the obit. Only my youngest sister, who was his biological daughter. She was pretty upset about us being left out. So I suppose stepchildren aren't always listed in obituaries, though maybe they should be.
If and when my bio father died, I doubt we were mentioned in that one either. He had two or three other families.

[Braden]

7. no

everyone has to accept that they are all family. like it or not. The jealousy and bitterness never subsides in most, I have my own family now and choose not to get involved with caring too much about who is blood related and who came in from other marriages or relationships.

My father recently remarried a woman with younger kids and my sisters (29-35) can't deal with it.

I have moved on. to answer your question all Grandkids should have been mentioned. Step or not. Its not all that relevant to me, and I would bet that "grandma" didnt differentiate either.

[MoonGod]

9. Products of divorce?

I never learned the birds and the bees that way... ;)

But seriously, My parents are divorced, but neither remarried, so I have no step-siblings.

However, a good friend of mine is divorced and her husband is remarried with step-children (step-siblings for her daughter). It all looks really messy to me. Some people seem inherently bitter, some have drastically different expectations, and others just get dragged into it...

[Darth_Kitten]

10. Grandchildren are grandchildren....

and stepfamily are family, too. :) It's to a family's CREDIT if they include the "step" kids or grandkids, whatever. It's family, and yes, it's not your friend's choice and beyond his control, so maybe he should "chill". It's not like he was loved any less.

[AmyStrange]

12. When my Dad died...

one of his stepwives (whom we --me and my sisters-- hated) was listed in the obituary as our Mom.

Trust me, she could arguably be considered the ultimate step mom....

And what's even weirder is that my Dad married her sister a year later.







Dave (AmyStrange.com)

DU (slang/ folklore) Glossary (Dictionary): http://DUG.SeattleActivist.org/
Index of WMD Articles: http://WMD.SeattleActivist.org/

Here are some excellent resources and timelines of quotes and interviews and newspaper article quotes documenting the different things Bush and Co did and said for the last two plus years concerning the war in Iraq and WMDs (and other fun things) from the Howard Dean Website---even if you're not a Dean Fan, these are still excellent resources:

The Bush Administration And WMDs: Then And Now:
http://www.deanforamerica.com/site/PageServer?pagename=bush_wmd_summary

Niger-Uranium Timeline:
http://www.deanforamerica.com/site/PageServer?pagename=niger_timeline

Bush and WMD: Assumptions vs. Reality:
http://www.deanforamerica.com/site/DocServer/TikTok_-_Bush_-_Iraq_-_Side_by_Side.pdf?docID=781

The Bush Administration and WMD: What did they know and when did they know it?:
http://www.deanforamerica.com/site/DocServer/TikTok_-_Administration_-_Iraq_Deception.pdf?docID=762

[Ellen Forradalom]

13. A year after he died?

That is weird.

[AmyStrange]

15. CRAP

I left town in 1980

http://www.SeattleActivist.org/MyLifeStory.html

[Cheswick2.0]

14. when your parents divorce

and you become part of a new family, it is painful to be treated as an outsider/stepchild. Your friend has issues with his own relationship with the father. To him it is a big deal. But your friend won't feel any better because he made someone else feel excluded.