|
When playing Star Trek: Birth of the Federation on my computer, I got the crazy idea to see what playing the game for an Imperial Amerikkkan Empire would feel like. So I committed myself to playing the Ferengi (and I do mean commit, because normally I like playing as just about ANY other empire better).
Of course, no matter how much I try to run the Ferengi Alliance as W would, a few critical differences remain:
1)I, unlike the pResident, have half a brain.
2)Because I have half a brain, I understand that research is a very good thing. The faster I research, the faster I get to the best ships in the game, and the faster I can crank out the best ships in the game, the more win.
3)Unlike the pResident, I know that outing my intel agents=bad internal security=enemy (mostly Cardassian) spies blowing up all my ships, blowing up all my industry, and stealing all of Halliburton's cash. And we can't have Halliburton's cash disappearing, now can we?
OK, so the first empire I encounter is the Klingons, followed closely by the Romulans. Though this may sound somewhat insane, I immediately start warmongering against the Klingons, because they have a couple of really important minor races on my border that I want to acquire.
These would be? Well, in order of importance: The Edo, who can build a special structure that will distract freepers from their troubles empire-wide, the Betazoids, who can build a special structure that increases my internal security, and the Bandi, who can build a special structure to increase my construction research, which will allow me to industrialize faster.
I send a few bribes to the Edo and the Betazoids to join my coalition of the willing (read: coalition of the bribed) and position a couple of raider task forces to blow up any Klingon transports that might have silly ambitions of taking over the minor races that I have claimed. Both the Edo and the Betazoids join me, I buy their structures, and then a crapload of orbital batteries, starbases, and such to defend these systems while I go "liberate" the Bandi.
After I "liberate" the Bandi, I send all of my raiders (and there are a lot of them) into Qo'noS, where they proceed to blow up a bunch of Klingon destroyers and gain a bunch of experience. Yum, yum, especially considering I lack a training academy and can't build one. I order the raiders to steal all Klingon shipping and turn it over to my dominion buddies in Halliburton headquarters. Mission accomplished.
After a few turns of stealing half the Klingon economy, they come begging to me for a non-aggression treaty. As I've already taken the territory I want from the Klingons, and would rather turn my attention elsewhere, I sign it and start raking in the income from almost-legitimate no-bid contracts (aka "trade routes") with them.
But the silly freepers need someone to call teh terra-ists. So I turn my propaganda machine against the Romulan Star Empire. For one, their cloaking devices are a weapon of mass destruction, and cannot be allowed to proliferate. Also, they're right on my border by now, so I need to fight them over there before I have to fight them over here.
I build a few marauders as I'll need ships with powerful shields to absorb the Roms' first-strike cloaked attacks. Eventually, I get a really HUGH!!!11! task force of marauders to steam into Romulus to shock-and-awe their capital into submission. After a short little battle in which the Roms are routed as soon as they finish decloaking, I send in the raiders to start pwning their economy while I build troop transports.
Ten turns later, "democracy" comes to Romulus. About fifteen turns after that, the Romulan Empire is "liberated" in its entirety. Yum yum.
Around the time that I'm lolling at the thought of what to do with my new gloriously-conquered Romulan Empire, the Federation decides I'm a little too warlike, and paradoxically, declares war on me. The freepers are laughing their fat asses off as to them, Federation=French. They're happier than pigs in shit as my fascist propaganda spreads throughout the galaxy. However, there's one small problem.
I don't have any troop transports anymore.
Where are all my troop transports?
They're busy oppressing, er, I mean "liberating" the Romulans.
Not to mention the Federation is on the other side of the galaxy and I really can't reach them.
It'll take me quite awile to build the crapload of ships I'll need to own the Federation, but hey, that's what the draft is for! I start construction on the hordes of troop transports and marauders that I'll later send out of the Black Gate of d00m.
Moreover, around this time, two very good things happen:
1)I encounter the Zakdorn minor race, which is good, because they have the best ship training academy in the galaxy, and as the Ferengi lack the ability to build their own training academy on Ferenginar, I immediately send them a few bribes to join my coalition of the willing.
2)My research bears fruit, allowing me to build upgraded raiders and marauders, which I immediately use. However, I should note that if it really was the Bu$h* crime family running the Ferengi Alliance, research would not exist and they would never gain access to the best equipment. "Research? What research? I talk to God on a daily basis and research is blasphemy!"
I send all my newly built ships to Zakdorn system for training. The better they are trained, the more effectively they'll fight. Again, I have common sense that Bu$h* doesn't; he can't even be bothered to give the troops armor. Well, I want to make sure that the damage control crews on my ships are up to snuff, so I take the time to actually train them.
Quite a few turns later, I am ready to make my war upon the Federation. I spend a little bit of time blowing up their ships that happen to stray near my territory in the meantime. I have starbases all over the galaxy now so I can plunge right into Sol system and start raiding. A new power is rising--PNFC! (Project for a New Ferengi Century)
The army of d00m comes storming out of the Black Gate. I bribe all their minor races to join me unless they want to be "liberated." The Klingons, by now realizing the futility of resisting my military-industrial complex, offer me an alliance at this point; I accept because it'll send morale through the roof. I now have my lapdog, Tony Blair! The freepers are, once again, happy as pigs in shit.
A few turns later, my warships reach Sol and blow up everything there that isn't planetside. They then split up and "bring democracy" to three star systems in a single turn.
The next turn, two more star systems fall to my shock-and-awe campaign, including a minor race that dared to refuse my bribes. Hey, I warned them. The entire Federation falls to my üb3rarmy of d00m within ten turns of the "liberation" of Sol.
Upon the fall of the evil French (er, I mean Federation), the freepers bust out the Kool-Aid and start drinking and shooting their sawed-off shotguns and empty beer bottles in the air in one massive celebration. The Halliburton military-industrial complex is richer than ever as the denizens of the Federation become its newest slaves.
My lapdog Klingons receive their cut, and the game declares me winner by domination. I saved right before I accepted the declaration of victory, however, next up for "liberation" are the Cardassians...:)
|
Printer-friendly format
Email this thread to a friend
Bookmark this thread
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
