Looking for two old funny English-language-based funny emails

[Rabrrrrrr]

Back in the early days of email for the unwashed ignorant masses, before every Johnny Dumbfuck with an electical outlet and a thumb was able to log on to AOL and make my life a living hell with ignorant forwarded emails with 3000 lines of headers, two emails - both uproariously hilarious - were passed around.

I'd like to read them again.

One was a short story (a few paragraphs) full of words that don't exist, but which variations do: words like "plussed" (instead of nonplussed), whelmed, chalant, etc. It took place at a party, and was done first person.

The other one a rhyming poem filled with words that are spelled the same, but pronounced differently (such as "row a boat" and "we had a row", and "I use soap" and "what use is this?") and words that have the same letter combinations but are pronounced different (such as through, though, tough, plough, cough). It was total hella fun to read out loud.

Anyone have these two items? I'd love to get copies of them.

[yewberry]

1. Not what you're looking for, I'm sure

but I remember "Anguish" being similarly passed around (remember "ladle rat rotten hut?")

http://www.crockford.com/wrrrld/anguish.html

[Felix Mala]

2. That's giving me a headache.

[Rabrrrrrr]

3. Ah, I found some! The first one is the second one I was looking for

English pronunciation

Dearest creature in creation
Studying English pronunciation
I shall teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I shall keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy,
Tear in eye your hair you'll tear,
Queer fair seer, hear my prayer!
Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!
Just compare heart, beard and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain
(Mind the latter, how it's written).
Made has not the sound of bade;
Say, said, pay, paid, laid but plaid.
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague.
But be careful how you speak,
Say gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak;
Previous, precious, fuchsia, via,
Recipe, pipe, studding sail, choir;
Woven, oven, how and low;
Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery:
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, ailes,
Exiles, similes, reviles,
Wholly, holly, signal, signing,
Same, examining, but mining;
Scholar, vicar and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far.
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label,
Petal, penal and canal
Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal.
Suit, suite, ruin, circuit, conduit,
Rhyme with "shirk it" and "beyond it".
But is it not hard to tell
Why it's pal, mall, but Pall Mall.
Muscle, muscular, goal, iron,
Timber, climber, bullion, lion;
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Ivy, privy, famous. Clamour
Has the "a" of drachm and hammer.
Fussy, hussy, and possess,
Desert, dessert, address
From desire - desirable, admirable from admire;
Lumber, plumber, bier but brier/briar;
Chatham, brougham, renown but known,
Knowledge, gone, but done and tone!
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel.
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
Reading, Reading (the town), heathen, Heather.
This phonetic labyrinth
Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, mirth, plinth!
Billet does not end like ballet,
Wallet, mallet, bouquet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like good,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Bouquet is not nearly parquet,
Which most often rhymes with khaki.
Discount, viscount, load and broad;
Forward, toward, but reward.
Ricochet, croqueting, croquet.
Right! Your pronunciation's okay.
Sounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Don't forget: It's heave but heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven
We say, hallow, but allow,
People, leopard, tow and vow.
Mark the difference, moreover,
Between, mover, plover, Dover!
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice.
Shoes, goes, does; now first say "finger";
Then say "singer, ginger, linger".
Real, seal; mauve, gauze and gauge.
Marriage, foliage, mirage, age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post, and doth, cloth, loth/loath;
Job, Job, blossom, bosom, oath.
Say "oppugnant" but "oppugns";
Sowing, bowing. Banjo tunes
Sound in yachts or in canoes.
Puisne, truism, use, to use.
Though the difference seems little,
Do say "actual" but "victual".
Seat, sweat, earn; Leigh, light and height,
Put, pus, granite and unite.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer,
Feoffor, Kaffir, zephyr, heifer.
Dull, bull; Geoffrey, late and eight,
Hint but pint, senate, sedate.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas (the state),
Balsam, almond. You want more?
Golf, wolf; countenance; lieutenants
Host in lieu of flags left pennants.
Courier, courtier; tomb, bomb, comb;
Cow but Cowper, some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither devour with clangour.
Soul but foul, and gaunt but aunt;
Font, front, wont, want, grand and grant.
Arsenic, specific, scenic,
Relic, rhetoric, hygienic.
Gooseberry, goose, and close but close,
Paradise, rise, rose and dose.
Say inveigh, neigh, and inveigle
make the latter rhyme with eagle.
Mind! Meandering but mean,
Serpentine and magazine.
And I bet you, dear, a penny,
You say manifold like many,
Which is wrong. Say rapier, pier,
Tier (one who ties), but tier.
Arch, archangel! Pray, does erring
Rhyme with herring or with stirring?
Prison, bison, treasure-trove,
Treason, hover, cover, cove.
Perseverance, severance. Ribald
Rhymes (but piebald doesn't) with nibbled.
Phaeton, paean, gnat, ghat, gnaw
Lien, phthisis, shone, bone, pshaw.
Don't be down, my own, but rough it,
And distinguish buffet - buffet!
Brook, stood, rook, school, wool and stool,
Worcester, Boleyn, foul and ghoul.
With an accent pure and sterling
You say year, but some say yearling.
Evil, devil, mezzotint -
Mind the "z"! (a gentle hint.)
Now you need not pay attention
To such words as I don't mention:
Words like pores, pause, pours and paws
Rhyming with the pronoun "yours".
Proper names are not included,
Though I often heard, as you did,
Funny names like Glamis and Vaughan,
Ingestre, Tintagel, Strachan.
Nor, my maiden fair and comely,
Do I want to speak of Cholmondeley
Or of Froude (compared with proud
It's no better than Macleod).
Sea, idea, Guinea, area,
Psalm, Maria but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion with battalion,
Sally with ally. Yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, hey, quay.
Say aver but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.
Never guess, it is not safe;
We say calves, valves, half, but Ralph.
Heron, granary, canary,
Crevice, but device and eyrie,
Face, but preface and grimace,
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass,
Bass (the fish); gin, give and verging,
Ought, oust, joust, scour and scourging.
Ear but earn. Mind! Wear and tear
Do not rhyme with "here" but "ear".
Row, row, sow, sow, bow, bow, bough;
Crow but brow. Please, tell me now:
What's a slough and what's a slough?
(Make these rhyme with "cuff" and "cow").
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen.
Monkey, donkey, clerk but jerk;
Asp, grasp, wasp, demesne, cork, work.
Say serene but sirene. Psyche
must be made to rhyme with "spiky".
It's a dark abyss or tunnel,
Strewn with stones like whoop and gunwale,
Islington, but Isle of Wight,
Houswife, verdict but indict -
Don't you think so, reader, rather,
Saying gather, bather, lather?
Tell me, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, cough, lough or tough?
Hiccough has the sound of "cup" -
My advice is - give it up.

- George de Trenite


We'll begin with box; the plural is boxes,

But the plural of ox is oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

But the plural of mouse in not ever meese.

You may find a lone mouse, or a whole nest of mice,

But the plural of house is still never hice.

If the plural of man is always men

Why shouldn't the plural of pan be pen?

If I speak of a foot and you show me two feet,

And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth, and a whole set are teeth

Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

If a singular this is a plural these

Should the plural of kiss ever be keese?

We speak of a brother and also call brethren,

And though we say mother we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim.

- Alice Hess Beveridge



I lost my appetite!

If GH stands for P as in "hiccough",
if OUGH stands for O as in "dough",
if PHTH stands for T as in "phthisis
if EIGH stands for A as in "neighbor",
if TTE stands for T as in "gazette", and
if EAU stands for O as in "plateau", then

the right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU!



No wonder English is so hard to learn!

We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.





Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

English Trivia

The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed.


When the English tongue we speak,

Why is "break" not rhymed with "freak"?
And the maker of a verse
Cannot cap his "horse" with "worse"?
"Beard" sounds not the same as "heard."
"Cord" is different from "word".
"Cow" is cow, but "low is low.
"Shoe" is never rhymed with "foe."
Think of "hose" and "dose" and "lose",
And of "goose" and yet of "choose."
Think of "comb" and "tomb" and "bomb",
"Doll" and "roll" and "home" and "some."
And since "pay" is rhymed with "say,"
Why not "paid" and "said," I pray?
We have "blood" and "food" and "good."
"Mould" is not pronounced like "could."
Wherefore "done," but "gone" and "one"?
Is there any reason known?
And, in short, it seems to me,
Sounds and letters disagree

What about "cough" and "through" and "tougher"
Which don't sound anything like each other.
"Thorough" can be made to rhyme with "dough,:
But "bough" sounds like "cow" and not like "though".
"Draught" is spelled a lot like " taught",
But only one of them sounds like "bought."
We haven't mentioned "laughter" or "daughter,"
Neither of which is spelled like it oughter.
Everyone says that " might" makes "right."
So how come "eight" doesn't rhyme with "sleight"?
"Trough" can rhyme with "off" or "moth",
And on that note, I'll end this froth.

- quoted in Ann Landers


Fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing.

Flammable and inflammable mean the same thing.

There is a whole collection of words called "Janus-faced" or "contronym" words.

Examples:

(source "Crazy English" by Richard Lederer)

WITH: a) alongside b) against
a) England fought with France against Germany.
b) England fought with France.

CLIP: a) fasten b) separate
a) Clip the coupon to the newspaper
b) Clip the coupon from the newspaper

FAST: a) firmly in one place b) rapidly from on place to another
a) The pegs held the test fast.
b) She ran fast.

BOLT: a) to secure in place b) to dart away
a) I'll bolt the door.
b) Did you see the horse bolt?

TRIM: a) add things to b) cut away
a) Let's trim the Christmas tree.
b) Let's trim the hedge.

DUST: a) remove material from b) spread material on
a) Three times a week they dust the floor.
b) Three times each season they dust the crops.

WEATHER: a) withstand b) wear away
a) Strong ships weather storms.
b) Wind can weather rocks.

HANDICAP: a) advantage b) disadvantage
a) What's your handicap in golf?
b) His lack of education is a handicap.

COMMENCEMENT: a) beginning b) conclusion
a) Beautiful weather marked the commencement of spring.
b) She won an award at her high school commencement.

HOLD UP: a) support b) hinder
a) Please hold up the sagging branch.
b) Accidents hold up the flow of traffic.

KEEP UP: a) continue to fall b) continue to stay up
a) The farmers hope that the rain will keep up.
b) Damocles hoped that the sword above his head would keep up.

LEFT: a) departed from b) remaining
a) Ten people left the room
b) Five people were left in the room.

DRESS: a) put items on b) remove items from
a) Let's dress for the ball
b) Let's dress the chicken for cooking

TEMPER: a) soften b) strengthen
a) You must temper your anger with reason.
b) Factories temper steel with additives.

CLEAVE: a) separate b) adhere firmly
a) A strong blow will cleave a plank in two.
b) Bits of metal cleave to a magnet.

STRIKE: a) secure in place b) remove
a) Use a firm grip to strike the nail.
b) When the show is over, we'll strike the set.

GIVE OUT: a) produce b) stop producing
a) A good furnace will give out enough energy to heat the house.
b) A broken furnace will often give out.

SANCTION: a) give approval of b) censure
a) The NCAA plans to sanction the event
b) Should our country impose a new sanction on Libya?

SCREEN: a) view b) hide from view
a) Tonight the critics will screen the film.
b) Defensemen mustn't screen the puck.

OVERSIGHT: a) careful supervision b) neglect
a) The foreman was responsible for the oversight of the project.
b) The foreman's oversight ruined the success of the project.

QUALIFIED: a) competent b) limited
a) The candidate for the job was fully qualified.
b) The dance was a qualified success.

MOOT: a) debatable b) not worthy of debate
a) Capital punishment is a moot point.
b) That the earth revolves around the sun is a moot point.

CERTAIN: a) definite b) difficult to specify
a) I am certain about what I want in life.
b) I have a certain feeling about the plan.

MORTAL: a) deadly b) subject to death
a) The knight delivered a mortal blow.
b) All humans are mortal.

BUCKLE: a) fasten together b) fall apart
a) Safe drivers buckle their sear belts.
b) Unsafe buildings buckle at the slightest tremor of the earth.

TRIP: a) to stumble b) to move gracefully
a) Don't trip on the curb.
b) Let's trip the light fantastic.

PUT OUT: a) generate b) extinguish
a) The candle put out enough light for us to see.
b) Before I went to bed, I put out the candle.

UNBENDING: a) rigid b) relaxing
a) On the job Smith is completely unbending.
b) Relaxing on the beach is a good way of unbending.

WEAR: a) endure through use b) decay through use
a) This suit will wear like iron.
b) Water can cause mountains to wear.

SCAN: a) examine carefully b) glance at hastily
a) I scan the poem.
b) Each day, I scan the want ads.

FIX: a) restore b) remove part of
a) It's time to fix the fence.
b) It's time to fix the bull.

SEEDED: a) with seeds b) without seeds
a) The rain nourished the seeded field.
b) Would you like some seeded raisins?

CRITICAL: a) opposed b) essential to
a) Joanne is critical of our effort
b) Joanne is critical to our effort.

THINK BETTER: a) admire more b) be suspicious of
a) I think better of the first proposal than the second.
b) If I were you, I'd think better of that proposal.

TAKE: a) obtain b) offer
a) Professional photographers take good pictures.
b) Professional models take good pictures.

IMPREGNABLE: a) invulnerable to penetration b) able to be impregnated
a) The castle was so strongly built that it was impregnable.
b) Treatments exist for making a childless woman more impregnable.

BELOW PAR: a) excellent b) poor
a) Her below par score won the golf tournament.
b) I'm disappointed in you below par performance on the spelling test.

DOWN HILL: a) adverse b) easy
a) When the source of the capital dried up, the fortunes of the corporation went down hill.
b) After you switch to diet drinks, it will be all down hill for your weight-loss program.

WIND UP: a) start b) end
a) I have to wind up my watch.
b) Now I have to wind up this discussion of curious and contrary contronyms.

[kick-ass-bob]

4. I'm gonna forward this to everyone I know.

:7

[Rabrrrrrr]

5. Ah, found the story, too!!

From the classic essay "How I Met My Wife" from the 7/25/94 New Yorker
magazine:

It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.

I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.

I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would do.

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.

So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads or tails of.

I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt apacitated--as if this were something I was great shakes at--and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to
prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.

She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation become more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.

[progmom]

6. Rabrrrrrr...I love you.

I have been looking for this for nearly a decade, since I first read it on the back page of the New Yorker. :yourock:

[Rabrrrrrr]

7. I am the god of google!

[progmom]

8. what search terms did you use???

:shrug:

seriously - this was my internet holy grail.

[Rabrrrrrr]

9. chalant and whelmed

http://www.google.com/search?q=chalant+whelmed+&btnG=Search&hs=pp0&hl=en&lr=&safe=off&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial


:loveya:

Of course, me being a T, and not an F, it's just natural that I would figure it out immediately...

:P

[supernova]

10. Oh thanks for these, Rabrrrrrr

I'm going to forward them to my fellow editor friends. :D

Here's one more:

Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fynd awl yore miss steaks. :7

I don't know to whom to atribute that.

[Rabrrrrrr]

11. You are welcome! And there are a lot of the spellchecker ones out there

I came across a lot just searching for the stuff I found in here.