To all 20 year olds who live with Mom and Dad

[Mari333]

heres a few questions:
Why is it so hard for some of you to move out of your parents house and live on your own?
What compels you to want to stay there, even though you KNOW its time to go?
What fears do you have that make you afraid to leave?

[ScreamingMeemie]

1. My husband lived with his mother (no he's not Cliff) till we were married

at 26. He paid half of everything, and it helped her out. I don't see anything wrong with it. I lived at home till I was 23, and the mushy mommy in me hopes my children are not in a rush to move out either. It's such a short time in life, why make it any shorter than it has to be?

[Mari333]

4. Because I want them out

They are grown men, and its time to leave. One pays rent, the other doesnt. I want a quiet life in my old age, without testosterone filled young men hanging around the house.
I am ready to start my life over, but cant, as long as they live here.
Thats why I am trying to understand why they have such a hard time making the decision to move. Ive already told them its time.
Thats why I asked the questions.

[ScreamingMeemie]

5. Well, that there is a horse of a different color then...I have no idea

what you could do. If you weren't really attached to your place, maybe get a smaller place?

Good Luck

[Mari333]

10. Im not leaving I love my house

and my land..I own a nature preserve..Its where I want to be...Minus 2 20 year olds . They are grown men now, almost 21.

[SoCalDem]

54. AMEN, sister !!!!

Luckily for us, our "grown men" are all on their own, but I remember the houseful of "guys" hanging out all the time..

What helped us, was the fact that I am a NIGHTOWL, so they always knew that if they brought the "guys" back to the house, they would encounter Mom in her flannel nightgown, on the couch, and in no hurry to scurry off to the bedroom, so they could hold court..

For lots of "kids" , it's a money thing too.. Usually they don't make enough to live "comfortably" on their own, and for some weird reason , lots do not want roommates..

My middle one got "pushed from the nest" when an opportunity to move to Seattle came along.. I helped him pack and he was out in 3 hours, and on his way to Seattle..

The oldest got out, first with a girlfriend, and after a 1 year "hiccup" back at home, his job took him to Concord..(he's the one who got married recently) and he's been there since..

The youngest was the one who went the roommate route and is very happy in his cute little "MelrosePlace-looking" apartment near the Old Town area of Riverside..

The ONE thing that helped us most, is that we prevailed upon them all to NOT GET A CAR PAYMENT... That damned car payment and the attendant high insurance, often sucks up all their money and they have nothing left over to LIVE ON..


Good luck to you.. I know your pain...

Julinda.....Loving the empty nest :)

[MoonGod]

2. You're being awfully judgemental and presumptuous...

How do you know that they "KNOW" its time to go?
How do you know that they have "fears" that make them "afraid to leave"?

When I moved out of my dad's house (at 21), he tried to stop me actually. In retrospect, I can't say I regret my decision, but I certainly see more benefits now to staying than I did then.

edit for grammar/typo

[Mari333]

6. I encourage them to leave

Its the only way they will ever grow up , and act like adults. Until then, they are post teenagers who are afraid to leave for some odd reason. I left home at 19 and it was the best move I ever made. Besides, at this point Im their landlord and they are tenants. I want them to get out on their own, Im too old for kids now.

[McDiggy]

7. ..welllllll....

I'm 20 and at home because:

1) I'm poor. My family couldn't afford to pay living expenses at a college far away. (Make JUST enough not to get any federal goodies)
2) I got a full tuition scholorship to my town's college.
3) Moving out, but in the same town, would have required working 40 hours a week to cover living expenses. Full time student taking Organic Chemistry, Microbiology, Calculus, and Physics in the same semester AND working 40 hours is impossible unless you are bloody Stephen Hawking. I only got in 24 hours a week, sorry.

I'm moving out 8/11 though for pharmacy school, so I'm only a statistic for another 4 weeks or so.

But until then I guess I'm a stupid, pathetic, useless 20 year old that is an economic drain on his parents and needs to get up of his ass and do something with his life.

[Mari333]

8. well its good you have plans

But I left at 19, with some money I saved up, went to Chicago, found jobs, worked my ass off, never borrowed money from my parents, and made it on my own.
I guess I dont understand why some kids are afraid to go.

[ScreamingMeemie]

13. Some parents enjoy having their children at home...

my dad would take us all back in an instant. It isn't a fear thing, it's happiness. Sorry your sons are making your life so difficult.

[Mari333]

22. Im not a parent anymore

Im their mom, sure, but not like I wipe their ass or wait on them..thats not my job...its their job...I dont want kids in my house anymore, I want quiet and peace...I know young men roughhouse and like to beat their chests, but thats not the lifestyle I want..
I want to be free again, no more kids at home.

[ScreamingMeemie]

27. I will always be my children's parent...

It's not about "wiping asses" to me. It's about a commitment I made on the day they were born. To help them through life, and I guess enjoy their company. There is no magic number. They'll always be my babies, I'll always be their parent. It doesn't mean I'll let them walk all over me. I have to go to bed now. This thread is a downer.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do...

[McDiggy]

14. Confused...

Are you trying to infer that because I was at home I had to work any less? "Oh, you're leaving at 20? That's nice, but *I* left at 19!" You know nothing about working your ass off until you have 3 sciences tests on a Monday when you worked until midnight on the night before. I hope I'm reading you wrong.

Sorry if I sound mean, you just come of as...unsettling. I feel the need to verbally assault you based on your tone I am perceiving as condescending.

Anyway, do your kids go to college? If not, do they have jobs?

[Mari333]

26. You took it wrong

I said I am glad you have plans, thats good. I just know that I dont want kids in my house anymore. I want to start my life again minus kids. Thats all, and thats why I asked if there were some kids on here who have problems with leaving out of fear.

[McDiggy]

30. sorry

Then I apologize.

[MissMillie]

52. Starting your life again w/o kids..... impossible

I think that is something you should have known when you decided to have kids. There is no chronological point when you stop being a parent--ever. It's a lifetime commitment.

Personally, I don't understand this culture that pushes kids out at 18. Extended families under one roof (or all very near to each other) work very well in other societies. Everybody chips in to pay the bills and take care of the house and the kids, etc. Kind of like a "village".

[TSIAS]

33. You make a good point

Many kids that have moved away are still relying on their parents heavily. I know many who want to go to a large state university for the prestige and partying and not necessarily for the quality education. Many of them do not work and their parents pay for their residence.

I was not interested in going to an FSU or UF. I was not interested in the party atmospehere of those big schools. I felt I could get a comparable education close to home and not strain my parents with massive tuition and apartment costs.

I think it takes a while to judge which was the successful path to take. Some kids think they can handle life away from home, but end up crashing and returning home. I feel my life is headed in a positive direction and things will turn out well for me.

[McDiggy]

37. state colleges aren't prestigious in the first place...

I can't understand that, either. What prestige? At WVU-Parkersburg, there were 9 people in my Organic Chemistry class. 9! I got VERY personal attention, I could talk to the professor just about any time I wanted; she knew my full name, where I worked, what my hobbies were, what my major was, etc. If I went to WVU-Morgantown for my undergrad work I would have been in an Organic Chemistry class of over 200, where I'd be just a number to some guy with a phD, teaching a class he's forced to teach in between his research....so prestigious...such a higher quality of teaching...*snicker*

[JVS]

40. Some state schools have prestige, some don't

WVU doesn't, I go to PITT and it doesn't either, so don't think that I'm trying to rag on anyone. But there is a certain amount of prestige to some state schools: Penn State, Michigan, Ohio State. These all have a bit more presitige. More of the classic "college experience" and connections. My brother went to Penn State. You wouldn't believe how many IBM office workers come from Penn State and Notre Dame! It is unreal. Also prestige on the academic side can be important. At the beginning level personal attention is more important, but when I look at these Grad school applications I am glad to know that when it comes to recommendations, the people whom I have writting the letter will be well known in the field.

[madfloridian]

31. I have enjoyed other posts by you, but this one is odd.

Our kids are not at home, but the way the economy is going anything could happen.

I went away to school for two years, then graduated from a private college in our city. I lived with my parents for those two years. I studied hard. I graduated at the top of my class.

I was dating someone here, and that is why I was home.

We frankly like it without kids here, but I don't think the ones who work it out that way should be especially criticized. I don't think that should be judged by someone else. Life is too full of uncertainties.

[SoCalDem]

55. I moved out on Labor Day weekend

I was 19..had $7.00 in my wallet, my clothes, my tv, my cat and a gas credit card with a $200.00 limit..I had no job where I was going, no place lined up to live in and it was 300 miles from home..

I think the late 60's was a "time bubble" though..we were never afarid to head out on our own.. I had NO fear at all..

I think kids today are afraid to fail..

[HEyHEY]

16. yeah

It's funny when I moved out at about 20, my parents couldn't wait to get rid of me. Now, after almost 4 year out of the house, My dad keeps dropping hints that he doesn't mind if I stay, I guess four years without wonderful me was too much for em!

On edit: should ad I just moved back to finish school ( it was too pricy living on my own and going to school)

[celestia671]

3. It's not just 20 year olds...

Lots of older children are having to move back home(with their own families)due to the poor economy and lack of jobs. Okay, I know there are some out there who don't even try to survive on their own, but there are others who have no choice but to go back home.

[Interrobang]

51. I've gotten into that situation...twice.

And it isn't like my parents are particularly glad to see me every time, either. The last time it happened, even though I'd been pretty sick for six months straight (and I still had one major problem going on), I was out the door as soon as I could afford it, even though it was a hell of a stretch. (I was only back home after leaving -- at age 19 -- for a total of about 7 months, though.)

Some kids just simply aren't mature enough at 19 or 20 to handle living on their own -- I find that with guys more so than girls, probably because some of the skills required for self-sufficient survival still have a negative stigma attached when men do them. (F'rinstance, how many young guys living on their own do you know who can't cook to save their lives, and live on noodle ramen, hot dogs, and cereal?) Also, a lot of kids just aren't "together" enough to handle it -- I saw an awful lot of people flaming out on independence when I started university at 18, but I didn't.

So even though YOU think they're old enough to go, they may not be. Your choices are basically to put up with it, or to give them an eviction notice and hope for the best.

[DrPepper]

9. Wave of the Future

Just think of yourself as a futurist. You're experiencing the newest societal trend.

[TSIAS]

11. My situation

I am 19 and live at home. I understand that there are times when a youngster should not live at home. I have a 22 year-old step-brother who lives at home. He did not graduate high school, has been in and out of prison, and has no job. He lives at home because his father does not force him to do anything with his life. In this situation, I believe it is a totally detrimental to his advancement as an individual.

I am a sophomore in college and live at home for many reasons. I go to school locally and it is not economically adventageous to live in a dorm. I am in transition academically. I plan to go to community college this year, and decide next year what to do. I will go to a state university, possibly a good distance away from home. I work and go to school full-time, so I don't think that I am causing my family trouble. I don't go out carousing and don't bring people home at all hours of the night.

However, if I were told by my parents directly that they didn't want me there, I would have no problems moving out.

[Exultant Democracy]

12. Are your boys going to college?

[Mari333]

18. One is working on it

the other is working at a low paying job and trying to get into the Police Academy...the first one was accepted into college, and is going to orientation tomorrow ..I also sent him off tonight to stay in the college town in a hotel so he will be ready for tomorrows orientation..hes been in trouble here in my town, was busted for 2 joints a couple weeks ago, and needs to get out of this town as its just a horrible little town full of rednecks and idiots..he has a good lawyer and a court date here so I hope that goes well...

the first one has plenty of money, so he wont have a problem finding a place to live...Im just encouraging him to move..the second one has no money, owes me rent, and Im not sure how Im going to get him to move...I might just find him a place, give him a couple months rent, and say "good luck".

[HEyHEY]

15. Mari333

In my case I am 24 and just moved home, because I was going to school. But I can't wait to leave again.

Anyway, I have friends who are my age not going to school and living at home...yowza!

Most of them just got it too good, even when I was 18 and living at home I had to pay $350 a month rent, maybe you should charge them.

[Mari333]

19. My son here pays 750 dollars a month rent

the other owes me 490 dollars in rent...right now Im willing to write them both off the rent if they move...

[McDiggy]

23. $750?!?! I bet you'll miss the extra income!

$750? Good lord, that would be a HOUSE payment plus utilities where I live. Albeit I live in the third world (appalachia) where property values are lower than Bush's IQ...

[HEyHEY]

25. what!!!

$750 and he ain't moving out???????

THat's it, you have to start being a real drag. NAG NAG NAG, talk about his friends with him, inquire about his business. Ask him about girls, that'll drive him out!

DOes he realize what a kick ass pad he can get for that kind of dough??? Tell him it'll be a babe den! "Chicks are helpless against it's powers" - Garth

[JVS]

38. That is a lot of money for someone with a crappy job!

I had a friend in highschool who decided not to go to college. He worked at the Pizza shop and the became the manager on his 18th birthday (you have to be 18 to run the slicer and you have to be able to run the slicer to be manager) He stayed living with his father and stepmother, who charged him $1000 per month rent. He was working and saving to be able to set up his own Pizza shop. His step-mom complained about his not moving out, but she didn't seem to realize that her $1000 for one room rent was financially hamstringing the boy. Incedentally, he also did the cleaning in the house, so we can safely say that the rent wasn't just high to cover additional benefits. He'd have been able to go off on his own much sooner without paying $12,000 to her each year.

[Mari333]

57. Naww, my son is loaded he can afford it

thats the point, he could easily afford it..anyway, today, he went out with ads for apartments out of town...Hip Hip Hooray!! I think its finally sinking in...
He needs to get out of this horrid little anti intellectual town and into college, and away from the Freeper types here...
anyway, looks like hes working on moving out, finally.

[JVS]

60. Ok. I had read low paying job

I hope he has good luck finding an apartment.

[SoCalDem]

58. My friend charged her daughter "rent" , but it had a twist..

She nagged the hell out of her to make her pay the $300.00 a month rent, but when it had been three years, and the daughter was still there, she went to the bank and got a cashiers check for $10,800.00 and handed it over to her daughter, and said.. Here's your start in the world..

She had set up a savings account when she moved back home and was putting the 300 a month in it.. She knew that her daughter would have never saved 300 a month, if she had let her stay for free..

It taught her daughter a valuable lesson about saving, and about her Mom.. She had had many an argument about how greedy Mom was for charging her own flesh & blood.. She took it all back..

She's married now and has a baby..

That 10,800.00 was the nudge she needed to grow up and get all the value oout of it that she could.. They got married in the back yard of her parent's house and put a large chunk of it down on their first house, and are happy as can be..

[Ein]

17. 19-live at home

got into school a year late so i'm only a year out. Postponed college due to skepticism about the economy. Will be out within the next year to go to work for my uncles company in Texas (Im so buying a damned Prius).

I'd stay here as long as they'd let me. They are my grandparents btw. I do alot of thier yard chores and help clean the house every other week, allowance free. I help pay for cable, phone bills, have to shop for myself...I'm basically paying rent.

[Mari333]

20. well thats good

I just want a quiet house back with no kids in it...quiet, peaceful, no loud testosterone, etc...
I guess everyones situation is different.

[baby_bear]

35. No testosterone where I lived...

I left at 17 (the earliest I could go away to college), and I was desperately happy to get out. I lived with my divorced mother and my divorced grandmother, and we were like three cats in a sack.

Testosterone was not the problem!!

Luckily my mother and I got close later. But boy, I sure needed to get out on my own and grow up. I was lucky in that I had student aid, and a job provided by the university to help me pay my dormitory costs.

I hope your boys do well on their own. It's definitely a learning experience. And everyone has to learn it eventually.

And by the way, I believe my mother was better off when I moved out. She got to have her own boyfriend then!

s_m

[Gringo]

21. This notion of independence is unique to the West, especially US

It's normal in most countries for unmarried kids to stay with folks (& grandfolks sometimes) until they marry.

I left at home at 18 to go to school and haven't lived there since. I wish I'd stayed with my dad for another 5 years, so I wouldn't have the huge student loan debt, but I had this desire to conform - anyone who hasn't moved out by 20 is a "loser".

Now I'm 35 and have 2 kids of my own, and can't bear the idea of parting with them. It will always be understood that they are welcome to live with me AS LONG AS I AM LIVING. I love them that much. I realize that 20 boys are annoying and repulsive, but they'll be my boys. I'm quite sure that when they are ready, they'll want to strike out on their own (& not be bound by the rules of my house, where serenity is crucial)

Anyway, I think this is another example of how completely twisted and unnatural family relationships have become in this country. Marriages are disposable, parents are selfish, spending most of their time on their own pastimes during their kids' childhood, then kicking them out during late adolescence. We a have been taught to put our newborn babies in a separate room to foster "independence" - as though a baby could be anything but completely dependent! It's now wonder we've had generations of sullen, nearly soulless and cruel kids, in spite of great affluence.

My wife and I, and our two boys share a bedroom, and wouldn't have it any other way. They can have their own bedroom when they demand it, but will never have separate bedrooms, or TV or phone in the bedroom. I consider this a gift rather than a deprivation - they will have more bonding and experiences for it.

[Mari333]

29. well sure when I was 35 and my kids were little

I wouldnt have wanted to part with them..

things change.

[HEyHEY]

34. Good points

I agree with completely. Even the French Canadians I know couldn't believe it when I said my parents charge me rent, I think it's an english thing, cause mexicans I know don't believe it either. But on the other stuff too, I agree, it is so much more important for a family to be a family, you can teach them independence till the cows come home without pushing them away. For example I have been doin my own laundry, cooking meals, and clothes shopping since about 10 (I got money for the clothes, if I wanted to be dumb and spend 100$ on a pair of shoes, so be it, that was all I got) Anyway, I still think that at 20 you should want to move out on your own, it's just natural. Also, no matter how much you try to make them independent in their state of mind it won't work. Even with the things listed above I learned early, my first night alone in my big scary apartment with the washing machine in the living room and the dryer in the bedroom. I still cried for the first time in years as I looked at pictures from back home that night. (of course I was 5000km away) But still it is natural to want to leave.

[sugarcookie]

39. 47 and still feel the same

I have 2 grown daughters. They know the door is always open. If the economy doesn't get any better, I suspect multifamily living will be a way of life.

[Mari333]

65. My sons lost their father

when they were little..they were 11, 9, and 6....dad was killed...I raised them on my own, and had to be BOTH parents..I also stayed home with them from childhood on, never worked outside the home..so, if you are implying that I am not a "good" parent, just walk in my shoes for one minute.

[Gringo]

80. I implied no such thing

I am talking about the general decay in family relations, which is as much due to economic pressures as it is to selfishness. But there is sometimes an element of selfishness. I'm in no position to evaluate how selfish or selfless you are. It is a fact, though that a statement like your post would be considered mean and strang in most countries of the world. You also attacked every other 20-year old living at home, not just your own.

I work full-time and do most of the housework so my wife can dabble in her hobby-would-be-career, and thus hardly ever get into bed before 3 am. My sympathies on your loss, but things are tough all around.

[Sean Reynolds]

24. Speaking as a 19 year old.

I want to move out. But my mother insists I stay for a few years until I become settled in my schooling. I've told her that once I get the money I'd like to move, but she pleads for me to stay.

[last_texas_dem]

28. Some answers

I'm 19; 20 in a week.

I live with my parents because I commute to a nearby college daily; I take full loads of classes in the fall and spring, and at least one full summer session of classes. I work a part-time job on the side. It makes more sense economically for me to simply live at home until I graduate college and have a decent-paying job. Besides that, my parents actually want me around, and have urged me to stick around when I've mentioned possibly moving out on my own. (My family is very close.) None of us seem to be cramping the others' styles, so I don't really see the problem. We lead busy lives and seldom see each other anyway. I don't believe I have any more "fears" than others my age; I just have a healthy relationship with my parents. If I was truly becoming a drain on them they'd tell me and we'd work out the next step, and I'm certain I'd have no problem setting out on my own if my parents desired it. However, that doesn't seem like the most logical choice. To afford my own place I'd likely need a full-time, better than minimum wage job which isn't necessarily the best thing to do when taking a full load of college classes and actually trying to get something out of them. Not saying it can't be done as it certainly can, but I fail to see how it's the best choice with other, better option available.

I don't really believe in these "one size fits all" judgments. What's best in one situation for one person/family isn't necessarily the best for another. Sorry if I sound a bit defensive, but the initial post sounds a bit accusatory to me.

[Mari333]

32. The initial post merely asked questions.

Not meant to be judgemental.

[PeakOil2008]

36. I would have probably moved out by now...

...If Al Gore were President. But thanks to pResident Bush and his misadministration's contribution to 9/11, that teaching job I went to school for is quaternary to the Pentagon's war budget and Carlyle's contracts.

I'm 25 right now. Maybe I'll be able to afford moving out by age 30, but only if I can find a decent-paying teaching job within the next year or so.

[Semi_subversive]

41. I can't wait for my 20 year old t move out

I have plans for that room. But I want to make sure he's able to do so. And if he's not currently employed, contribute otherwise (lawn, garbage, etc.). That's not happening much so it's beginning to grate on me. But dear Mommy says .......

[REP]

42. Moved Out When I Was 18

and I am doing my best to make sure I never have to impose upon my mother or her house! I love my mother, and part of how I show it is by taking care of myself. Of course, I'm old now.

Where I live, you can't rent a house $750 unless you have 3 roommates paying rent, too. Try charging more rent, plus utilities, and make them buy/prepare their own food, and impose strict house rules.

[gyopsy]

43. This depends on the situation

I still live at home and I am 19 which is close to 20.

But I do attend college three hours away from my parents house. I live in a dorm room there. But I live with my parents during the summer and since they help pay for my college education, I can't really say that I'm "on my own."

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. If I weren't going to school, maybe things would be different. I am away from home about 8 months out of the year.

[SmileyBoy]

44. Answers: (BTW, I am EXACTLTY 20 and live with mom and dad)

1. It's not hard for me. I'm movin OUT. I was in a local tech college for two years, and I felt that living at home was cheaper than getting an apartment. I'm moving out in three weeks to go off to a university far away.

2. Nothing compels me. I'm anxious to move into my dorm. Of course it will be hard for the first couple months or so, seeing as I'll miss my folks, and I'll probably visit every chance I get, but I feel that the feeling will pass eventually.

3. No fears. I'm ready. I can take care of myself. It's the part about getting a good paying job and balancing a personal budget while living in and paying for my own place instead of gettingroom and board and food free that I'm concerned about.

[HellKat]

45. Well

I am only 20 and live on campus. I'm usually home during the holidays and some weekends. I not totally independent from my parents since they pay for some necessities. My folks are like this as long as I do my part like finish school and do something with my life they don't mind me staying here with them, but don't worry I will officially move out of the nest as soon as I finish college. Okay. ;-)

[Dehumanizer]

46. People should move out before age 20? Really?

I've always been under the impression that they should first finish college and then 24, 25, when they get a real job, go out in the real world. 20 seems way too early.

[Shanty Oilish]

47. Toss 'em out

Mari, I don't understand why you are getting such negativity from this thread. But then, I'm old and I know where you're coming from. And I've known so many people who stayed in the nest too long. I'd say the disadvantages and risks outweigh the benefits by far.
Heyhey says, ask them about girls. I suggest you tell them about girls. A young single man who'd prefer to live with his mother is looking in the wrong direction. He'll get more dependent with each passing day, it'll never be financially smart to strike out on his own, and he'll turn into a permanent moocher.
(You may call these generalizations. I call them life observations.)

As for you, you're absolutely entitled to the domestic arrangement you prefer, and if you want them out, and they're not crippled, don't cripple them---help them OUT. If they're good people they'll thank you later.

Your relationship will improve when they're gone. They probably won't go far and when you're living the way you want, you'll all get along much better, and enjoy one another's company when it happens.

Not to mention, the most sensible women are leery of men who live with their mothers. Potential moochers and Peter Pan types (won't grow up).

Their financial convenience (especially at the price of your serenity) is not your problem. If you believe it is, you'll end up paying their rent elsewhere, with the constant threat they'll return if you don't pay their way.

I could go on, but I fear the flames. Show them the door. Lovingly, but firmly.

[Mari333]

59. Thank you and I agree!

My oldest 2 sons did leave, on their own, one to Arizona and one to Seattle now...they are happy and we all get along well and are close...Its these last 2 that have to go...one is my youngest son, one is my stepson...so far, so good..the son is looking for apartments today, yahoo...

one down now, one to go..

I think a lot of parents have a hard time giving up their "babies". Well, I dont consider my sons "babies", they are grown men and the kindest thing I can do for them is to let them BE grownups.
Thanks for being kind.

[Lars39]

48. You got a "momoni" boy?

Don't know about the spelling on that. I watched some news thing about a yr ago about this problem in Italy. There's a whole generation of guys that just aren't leaving home, and the family's OK with it for the most part. They think the Americans(US) are barbarians for wanting to kick our young out as soon as they turn 18.

[buddhamama]

49. i was out on my own

at age sixteen and i was scared.

i think the first big step is always hard.

talk with your sons and help them in any way you can.
be supportive but firm.

[rbnyc]

50. My boyfriend says...

...to all you 20+ year old living with the Ps: "Get the fuck out!"

He asked me to post that for him. (Think he's a little emotional about it because of his loser brother.)

;-)

[Mari333]

62. heh

well, Ive met parents who do what I call "enabling"...where they bail their adult kids out for years, and cripple them by keeping them like babies til they are in their 30's...and then the young men become crippled and immature, and cant take care of themselves..
My mom did that..she waited on all my brothers til they were in their 20s, even washed their clothes for them!! One turned into an alcoholic, the other finally grew up but was emotionally abusive , and the youngest did well eventually, but all of them are very immature.
I dont want immature adults living in my house til they are 40, heck, Im 52 and death is a couple decades away..I want to start over again myself, I still have to visit Greece and Paris and tramp about Europe while my legs still work! =)))

[LWolf]

53. My youngest is 23, and he is still with me.

I'd love for him to have a place of his own, but I don't expect it to happen soon, and we are good house partners in our little 800 square foot house. What will be interesting is when his brother comes to stay for a week; he's moving, and there is a week's gap between being out of one place and into the next.

Anyway, if my at-home son were to answer, this is what he'd say:

Why is it so hard for some of you to move out of your parents house and live on your own?

I did move out and live on my own. I gave up my job in another state and came back here to take care of my mom when her life caved in. Then I couldn't go; my job was already gone and there are very few jobs that will support someone on their own around here. And when I did find a (low-paying) job, the state took $900 a month off the top for child support for my one son.

What compels you to want to stay there, even though you KNOW it's time to go?

The fact that there is no place to go.

What fears do you have that make you afraid to leave?

None. When I finish school and can get a job that will pay a living wage, I'll be gone. But I'll be around if my mom needs me.

[Mari333]

61. Thank you

My mother is 76 and I still go see her, built a house for her, and am there for her..Im 52 and we have a wonderful friendship now as friends...I also enjoy the friendship I have with my oldest 2 sons, who do live on their own, because they are grownups now, and know how to take care of themselves.
You sound like a kind and wonderful person.

[LWolf]

74. *blush*

That's the best part about having them grow up, isn't it? My oldest son is taking me to 3 concerts this summer. We socialize and keep up with our lives, but aren't in each other's pockets. Actually, the boy at home isn't in my pocket, either. I think it's because we are both introverts. We value our personal "space," and therefore we respect each other's. We can go days without getting in each other's way. If it were the older boy, I'd probably be in the same place you are right now!

[mvd]

56. I still live with them at 27

We just have a bond that can't be broken - plus, I don't have a job yet. I help out, and I've been a special help lately because of mom's broken leg.

[mopaul]

63. sounds like my kid

he's the youngest, the others moved out. he's 20 and terminally lazy. sleeps all day, stays on the web all night. no job. if i lean on him to find a job, my wife scolds me. crazy. can't go on like this.

[Mari333]

66. Oh the youngest

My son Im working on moving out of here is my youngest, and of course I had to go through the emotional state or recognition that I was no longer a "mother" in the sense of the word that I did not have small children anymore..I am always their "mother" but not in the same way as I used to be...luckily, I have other interests now besides being a "mom" of kids...
so maybe your wife is afraid of losing her last "baby" by keeping him there...I realized that if I did that with my last one, I would only be harming him, and crippling him by keeping him home as a baby...heck, he shaves and is almost 21..thats not a baby ..

Its hard, I know...

[Samurai_Writer]

64. This is what I did...

New Year's Day, when my two sons were 19, and had been out of school for 1 1/2 years, with no intention of going to college, I sat them down and had a little talk with them. They had both been working full time for at least a year, living rent-free with me. I told them I was giving them 9 months from today to make a decision. To either enroll full-time in some type of technical school or college, or get their own apartment. They both turn 20 in mid-summer, so they would be 20 by the deadline, September 1st. They knew I was dead serious. A month earlier than the deadline, they got an apartment together (with their girlfriends), and moved out. They haven't been back, although I have had to help them financially with unexpected car repairs. But they've been paying rent and all their bills by themselves, on time. They both work in a manufacturing warehouse during the day, and one is a tattoo artist, the other a professional skateboarder. I have always told them if they wanted to go to school fulltime, that they were welcome to come stay with me until they graduated. Neither has taken me up on that, they enjoy their independence too much.

I moved 1100 miles away about six month after they moved out, a necessity to find a job in this stinkin' economy. I enjoy where I'm living now, but my boys miss me, and I miss them very much. I'll always be their mom, and be there if they ever need me. Parenting doesn't stop once the kids leave the house... it's just a lot quieter after they leave. And cleaner. And the refrigerator isn't raided every day by six hungry guys.

[THUNDER HANDS]

67. I'm 24 and I still live at home

Of course, I also live and work on Long Island, which has some of the highest property values in America.

Would you pay $1500 a month for a ONE-BEDROOM, unfurnished apartment?

And the folks up here wonder why young people like me are leaving Long Island in droves.

Nobody wants affordable housing up here. Practically everyone is a snobbish, racist, NIMBY who wants to imagine Long Island is still the 1950's suburban dream it was after WWII.

I could get out and find a place today in Brooklyn or Queens, but my parents don't mind me staying.

And Jesus Christ, being almost 21 is no big deal. You say you want to enjoy your old age...how old were you when you had your kids? 50?

My parents are 53 years old and they know when I move out in a year or two they'll have 25+ years to spend alone together.

[short bus president]

68. Mari, the solution is simple

just start walking around naked all the time.

;-)

[rene moon]

69. I hope this doesn't offend anyone...

But I never understood why parents "kicked" out there kids at 18. As if the day after you turn 18, you are an adult, emotionally or intellectually. Sure, legally you are an adult but I didn't feel that way at 18.

I hope not offend anyone but kicking your kids out seems to be a white American thing. None of my family kicked their kids out at 18 and it always seemed as if it were the white kids whose parents couldn't wait to get rid of them.

I live at home until I was 24. I went to college and had a job. My youngest sister lives at home now at 23. She is going to school and has a job. We had to either go to school or have a job at 18. If we wanted to move out, my father would have helped us in anyway he could. If we wanted to move out with a guy, we had to pay our own school and rent. My mother once said "only white people kick out their kids, only white people charge their kids rent-greedy people".

Now, I don't agree with her. Mind you, she is my mother. However, they are your kids for life, not just until they turn 18.

I didn't think I was so "Mexican in my thinking" as my grandmother would say until I read this thread. Go figure!

[SoCalDem]

70. There's a happy medium and every parent knows their own child

We always thought of our kids as "being on loan".. It was our responsibility to raise them and prepare them to be grownups..

We have all known people who , well into their 20's & 30's were "still at home".. Sometimes it's just too comfy, and they just stay there..

Assuming that there is a Mom & a Dad in residence, what the "kids" don't realize is that the time frame in a marriage that hits around 15-25 years , can be a very "dangerous time".. Kids always being underfoot can add to an already tense time.. Once the kids are out of the house, the parents can often rekindle the "spark" that was there before the kids came along..

Even though grown kids feel like they are not a burden, and any parent would tell them they are not.....they are..
Parents accept the burden willingly if the "child" is handicapped or going through a rough patch, but parents are people too, and privacy is something that cannot be underestimated...

Charging rent can be a tricky proposition too.. When our boys were all out, my water bill was halved..my electric bill was 1/3 of when they were here..and don't even get me started on the food bills. Now that there are just the two of us again, I only grocery shop about once a month..

To charge the kids rent,it's hard to get them to pay for one, and it's hard to calculate a "fair" amount.

Mine did not pay rent once they were working, but they did help around the house..

I guess the bottom line is.. Growing up and getting out on your own is ALWAYS a good idea.. Knowing that in a tight spot, you can go back and get on your feet, is also a good thing..

Every family has its own dynamic, and wanting your kids to grow up does not mean you are a heartless or selfish person, anymore than wanting your kids to live at home when they are 20-somethings makes a parent a clingy, child-obsessed person :)

There is a happy medium..:)

[rene moon]

73. We helped out around the house

We always did. I guess my point was that in many Latino families, living at home is not because you are "afraid" or are a "loser". It is what you did. I live on my own now and sometimes I wish I go could back but I like where I am now.

I just thought it was weird for parents are charge their children "rent". It seems greedy to me. Yes, they should help them around the house but charging them for sleeping in the same bedroom is absurd, IMHO.

To each his own.

[Chilly_Willy]

75. Q

What if the son/daughter has a hirer paying job than the single mom and the single mom has 2 other children to support. Can she ask for rent? I am not in this situation currently, but once was and my mother did not ask for rent because I picked up some tabs for the house. I am sure if I didn't have the consideration of offering the money she should have every right to ask for it. And I would give it to her. Family has to be there for each other.

It's just money and if you are eating the food your mother cooks, you should give back somehow.

I believe once you get out of HS you start to find your identity and in time you should decide as an adult to either contribute to the household or start your own path.

The kids that get kicked have their own issues or their parents do.

[rene moon]

78. Yes...

I always tried to help out financially but my parents never took my money. If you are asked to help out because families are suppose to help each other, I don't care. But to demand rent from your now "adult" 18 year olds is still crazy, again IMHO.

[Stuckinthebush]

71. I lived with my parents from 22 to 24

It was hard, but I needed a place to live while working on a Masters Degree.

The great thing about it in retrospect was that we really got to know each other as adults. I wouldn't give anything for those 18 months living with them, but at the time, I was very sad that I had to do it to them.

I paid what I could for food and other things around the house.

[jiacinto]

72. You are leaving out key information

Are they in college? Are they working? Or are they just sitting around and doing nothing?

If it is one of the first two I don't see a problem. On the last one you have a point.

[Chilly_Willy]

76. To all the college students that...

take for granted a full paid college tuition, screw you. I go to classes at night and you all make me sick. Getting too drunk is not an excuse to miss a test especially when it's on someone else's buck!

Heeheee.

[Loonman]

77. I moved out at 25, but I'm not JD Rockefeller

Nor do I work at a sinecure.

So I moved out at 25. Now I'm 33.



Just change the locks on the doors, and kick the bums out.

[youngred]

79. 20 is a bit young to classify that

but

1. I'd love to but they're making me be home this summer.
2. My Mother's demand that I stay here this summer even though I'd rather be staying in DC and getting a job
3. This there are a lot of, fear of failing, and fear of the unknown being prime among them. Even though life at home may suck its better than the possibility of falling completely